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Want my alcoholic brother to move out--how to tell him nicely?



Want my alcoholic brother to move out--how to tell him nicely?

Old 07-15-2010, 07:31 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I think you are setting yourself up for failure by asking him to move out in November.
You previously asked him to move out in November and he started quacking about how hard it would be to find a place, the emptiness of the holidays, quack, quack, quack.

This is your post from 11-16-09
Originally Posted by vtsister View Post
My brother has shared our home for 3 years. (He's 48 now.) This past February, after LOADS of drama, he entered rehab for alcohol and drugs.

Because we found out that he had been selling pot from here, I threatened not to let him move back in with us once he got out of rehab.

He asked for another chance, and after speaking with his counselor and setting up some ground rules, we agreed to give him another chance. One of the rules was absolutely no alcohol or drugs on our property, and if we found out about any, he'd have to move. His counselor told us that these were good rules, and my brother agreed to them before moving back in with us.

Today I saw two boxes full of empty beer cans in his entryway. They were right in plain sight. (He's very smart and sneaky, so I'm not sure why he was so careless leaving empties where I'd see them, unless he wanted me to see them.)

We figured he'd try to say they belonged to somebody else, so I looked in his refrigerator--there was beer in there.

My sister also found a pot pipe and a baggie hidden in a cigarette pack. I thought I had smelled pot coming from his apartment one night recently, but thought I was imagining it. I guess I wasn't.

I'm tired of being a doormat, and getting taken advantage of by my brother. Though I love him dearly, I can't live with the drama of his drinking/drugging any more. He broke our trust (again), and needs to find a new place to live.

I told him he has until the end of this month to find a new place to live, and that we'd be changing the locks on December 1st. I knew without that specific deadline he wouldn't bother looking for a new place. He'd figure it would just blow over and I wouldn't mention it again.

I know I'll probably never understand what goes on in an alcoholic's mind. I don't know why he put his place to live at risk by going back to drinking. All I know is that I'm VERY sad tonight. I'm doing my best to tell myself that I'm not being a "bad guy", and it's not my fault that he chose to drink again even after knowing what the rules are. I hate having to boot my brother out of our house right before the holidays.

I just feel sad and awful tonight. I also tend to teeter, and second guess myself about whether we did the right thing. That's why I'm writing tonight.

Did I do the right thing?

Becky

Here is the link to the thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2434568
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Old 07-16-2010, 12:46 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Why do you worry about being the 'bad guy'? Why do you have to placate a brother who is using you to keep his addiction going? He's a grown up, able to look after himself. Why do you need to be nice? He's an active alcoholic. He will be very, very good at blame shifting. Being 'nice' gives him a way of keeping you where he wants you. No matter how 'nice' you are, he's always going to blame you. Accept this and you might find it easier to ask him to leave than you think.
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Old 07-16-2010, 03:42 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by bookwyrm View Post
Why do you worry about being the 'bad guy'? Why do you have to placate a brother who is using you to keep his addiction going? He's a grown up, able to look after himself. Why do you need to be nice? He's an active alcoholic. He will be very, very good at blame shifting. Being 'nice' gives him a way of keeping you where he wants you. No matter how 'nice' you are, he's always going to blame you. Accept this and you might find it easier to ask him to leave than you think.
I just hate being the "bad guy".
My sister told me last night that she already sees me waffling on this.
One minute I'm set in my mind that he needs to go; the next minute I'm thinking about how bad the economy is, and it's probably going to get worse, and families are going to have to "bunk up" together, and here I am, sending my brother out into that, when he could very well need to end up right back here with us if things do get a lot worse in the economy.
His line of work is in remodeling, repair, painting, stuff like that. He gets laid off in the winter for awhile, and there were some "bare spots" in the work available earlier this year.

I know it's not my fault that he doesn't save any money to get prepared for those times, but it doesn't help me feel any less guilty.

If I think about this too much, I get angry that I was even put in this position in the first place. He'd burned his bridges with everyone else in the family already by overstaying his welcome with them, but he knew we had empty space in our house. When he asked if he could stay "temporarily" and "for just a few months" until he "got back on his feet", I felt bad for him and let him in. How can you turn down your brother?

At the time, everyone else in the family thought this was a good idea, and encouraged us to let him stay with us. Now *I* am the guy that has to deal with the fall out.
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Old 07-16-2010, 04:31 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Well, seems the family didn't want him moving back in with them, so sure, it sounded like a good idea that he move in with you.

I think you are making this much more difficult that it should be, just sit him down and lay out the deal. I still think till November is too long, if you are already waffling now, by then, with more sob stories you will never get him out. Quick and decisive seems to be a better approach to me.

Good luck
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Old 07-16-2010, 05:19 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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hi-

i think the best way to handle this is to address it IMMEDIATELY. as in TODAY. delaying further will only add to your stress. i understand it is difficult to find the words but simply open your mouth and begin to speak. it will be fine.

i agree that november is far enough away that there will be no urgency for him to look. and it might also give him the impression it will blow over if he cools it.

if it was me, i think i would call him on the phone RIGHT NOW and say that you want to talk to him tonight about moving out. that will break the ice and take the pressure off of you immediately.

if it was me, i don't think i would even address the alcohol, as that might make him feel if he stops/lies/hides/manipulates that he can stay.

i would try something like this:

brother, we have decided that we would like all of our privacy as a couple in our home. we feel cramped and want to use our aparment for our grandchildren now. we have decided that it would be best for us as a couple if you moved out. we would like you to make steps immediately to find another place. we feel one month is enough time to rent a room somewhere else, so we have set a deadline of august 16th.

i would imagine he will try to persuade you otherwise. i would stick to my guns that you want to be alone with your partner, that you need some privacy.

he's using you and has stepped all over your boundaries.

you are not helping him by giving him a soft place to land. he's a grown man.

have you tried alanon or therapy? might be helpful to attend at this juncture, to receive assistance on enforcing your boundaries.

i would probably also do some research into his options. since he is a handyman, many apartment complexes will offer free rent to a resident handyman. or, if there is a university near you, there are often rooms for rent near the campus. there are always ads in the local papers for group housing.

good luck!
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Old 07-16-2010, 05:44 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Naive makes a good point about the work for rent apartment complexes. The main thing is to be sure you will follow through once you tell him he needs to go. It sounds like you have been dealing with this for almost a year. Seems like the time has come to either do it or accept that he will live with you forever.
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Old 07-16-2010, 09:40 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Thumbs up Want to tell alcoholic brother to move out....

Hi vtsister,

My Brother was living in our family home rent free but had to pay the property taxes, & keep the utilities up as well as the home. My Dad left the home to both of us which was a big mistake in the end.

He had a drinking problem but I didn't know he drank all day every day and did use drugs. He was renting the bedrooms out to other drug users off the street & wasn't paying the property taxes or utilities & let the home owner's insurance lapse.

I went to see him( I live across the state from him) unexpectedly & some was good most was bad...he was getting buckets of water from the neighbors to flush the toilet. He had sold a lot of the furnishings & in three years it looked almost like a crack house I have seen on TV.

I decided I needed to hire a lawyer to help me get the house sold with my Brother complying with his contract with me that had been drawn up by the lawyer that did our Dad's Probate of his Will.

That didn't work...I had to start paying the back taxes so the house wouldn't go into foreclosure. This was in 2008 so the big stock market & pay-out hadn't started yet. He was given one year to work with a realty outfit & of course chose one of his friends to do this job.

After the year was up I had the lawyer draw up eviction paperwork for my Brother & the other's living in the home. By this time my Brother wasn't living there because he was with a sober friend trying to come off meth & alcohol.
He was called & someone read the eviction notice to him over the phone.

I had to hire a contractor to clean out 50+ years of living in this five bedroom home & we had a yard sale. My Brother was holed up in a motel because he had a warrent for his arrest for unpaid fines. I saw him & we talked..he cried more than talked..so sad what we do to ourselves. I have been in alcohol recovery for 22 years now.

I stayed there 5 days & left the contractor to finish up & have the dumpster picked up when he was done. Before he was done a lady & her adult daughter came to ask if the house was for sale....they gave her my phone number and she called me & she bought it as is to fix up & resell. Someone was watching over me for sure.

My Brother is sober now & off drugs but had two heart attacks two months apart while detoxing with a doctor's help. He called again yesterday and does
sound like my real Brother now. I am keeping his share of the money & send him money when he asks for it...he can't manage money & gets into enough trouble with his retirement & pension.

I love my Brother sooo much & so do his kids. They all are giving him much needed support but no enabling.

You are right to ask your brother to find his own place. We had to do that when our son came home after four years in the Navy. He moved back into his bedroom...alcohol problem & all that goes with it & after six months of sleeping all day & partying all night we felt it was time to move on. He had a job & a place to live the same day. Ironic how that works.

Good luck to you & please don't feel guilty...your Brother is an adult...it is time for him to face up to reality.

kelsh
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Old 07-16-2010, 11:42 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Thank you all for the replies/encouragement on this thread.

I just had a talk with my brother, and even though I was VERY nervous, it actually went much better than I thought.

I simply told him that we had some things coming up and we'd be needing our space back. He asked if I had a timeline, and I told him October 1st. He said that was plenty of time.

I told him that it had nothing to do with me being mad or anything, because I wasn't.

He told me he'd start looking right away, and that he'd really like to find a place that had another bedroom so his son could have his own room when he's with my brother.

Even though I'm really worried about him, and hope that he won't have trouble finding a place, he didn't act like it was a big worry, which is good.

I'm having mixed feelings right now. Part of me is relieved that we've talked, and it will be nice to have our space back. The other part of me is sad, because he really is a good brother who I love very much, and I'll miss him.
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Old 07-16-2010, 11:53 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Sounds like it went quite well. Don't get all weak-kneed now. It's not like you'll never see him again. It's good that he is looking forward to having his own place and a place for his son. Shows some growth on his part.
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Old 07-16-2010, 12:11 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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OK, he's not moving far away--so you can visit, OK?

I am happy you were able to take the step to ask him to find a place to live. I know it was not easy for you. Good job.

Now, maybe take the step you need to take care of YOU. That can be hard but once you do it will be much easier to set your boundaries and start to get rid of those feelings of guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
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Old 07-16-2010, 01:29 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Good for you! And see, many of your fears were unfounded. Sounds like it went well. Many times the imagined outcome is worse than what actually happens.
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Old 07-16-2010, 01:37 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Good on you!

You will be able to enjoy your children and grandchildren with the extra room.
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Old 07-16-2010, 03:09 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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well done! that's 1/2 the battle. now stick to your boundaries!

and remember, don't pay much attention to what they SAY. pay attention to what they DO.

A's are great at saying all the right things and doing nothing.

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Old 07-16-2010, 06:24 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by akrasia View Post
you don't owe people explanations. "NO thank you", and thats it.
GOT IT!! wow, light bulb moment...I really have a hard problem with this in every day to day LIFE....

thanks for that quote!!
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Old 07-16-2010, 06:34 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Hi VT sister! Nice to "see" you again!
Glad you were able to give him the news. And glad you gave it a more realistic date, October 1 is certainly very generous and plenty of time.

I used to feel bad any time I cut my brothers off from the various forms of enabling I had been providing or anytime I asked them to do anything that for me, a normie, is just a normal aggravating part of life.

AlAnon helped me turn my head around and stop thinking that I have any control over outcomes anyway! It helped me to stop thinking about them solely defined by alcoholism.

Him moving out could be a good thing, a bad thing or an entirely neutral thing - but it's his thing, and it's something we all "normies" go through all the time and handle and it gives us confidence and pride in our strength and abilities - so let it go, let it be his situation to solve, he's an adult.

Now you can start planning the changes you'll make to the space! How exciting!

Peace-
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