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Is it safe to stay?

Old 07-13-2010, 06:35 AM
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Is it safe to stay?

Hi All,

I'm new... My husband of just over a year has started AA July 3rd. He was lead to do this because after a friends wedding he confessed to having thoughts of killing me. We are going through marriage counseling. The AA doesn't bother me as much as the fact that he thought about killing me. He hasn't done any kind of grand gesture or even anything extra in our marriage besides going to AA (which by the way it too 4 weeks for him to actually go) to make me feel better or loved. He says the killng thoughts were related to alcholo but he had them when he wasn't drinking, just hung over. I don't know if I can ever trust my husband again and the way he is acting isn't very promissing. I just didn't know if anyone had a similar story, or if you could give me any advice. In my head I have given it 6 months (so after christmas) to work on our marriage.

Also the other thing- yesterday I asked him if he had been drinking and he said now. I asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me and he said "I haven't had a drink in 11 days" (which would have been the start of his AA program) but techincally he should not have been drining since June 9th when we went to therapy and I said if you drink a single thing it's over (which that puts us more at 34 days) So I am confused that he didn't say "I haven't had a drink since our friends wedding" or "I haven't had a drink in over a month" but he said 11 days. Is that related more to his first chip and AA and that is what he counting now or do I need to think he had a drink?

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for your help!
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Old 07-13-2010, 06:42 AM
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Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of experience, strength and hope here.

The most important thing is that you feel safe. If you have any fears that he might attempt to harm you, please leave immediately.

When it gets right down to it, does it really matter if he has had a drink? He could always lie and there's really no way to know for sure. You don't sound happy with your marriage and that is what really matters. It sounds to me like you are spending too much time analyzing his drinking and that is exhausting. Have you considered attending Al-anon meetings? There you will find face-to-face support from people who know exactly what you are going through.
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Old 07-13-2010, 06:52 AM
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I did go to an Al-anon meeting and though AH can always lie about a drinking if he was ever drunk in front of me it is over. I found the people in Al-anon were still living with drinkers and to see the sadness/dred/and lack of self worth made me really sad and I will not let me self to sink to that sadness.
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Old 07-13-2010, 06:53 AM
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I'm sorry...perhaps I'm oversensitive at the moment because my XAH just half-heartedly threatened my parents, but if someone just came out and said "I've had thoughts of killing you", I'd get the heck away from them. Call me crazy, but I'd want to make arrangements to stay elsewhere and I'd be reporting this to a) the police, b) his sponsor and c) his doctor. He may be delusional as well as in recovery.
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Old 07-13-2010, 06:58 AM
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Originally Posted by whattodo28 View Post
I did go to an Al-anon meeting and though AH can always lie about a drinking if he was ever drunk in front of me it is over. I found the people in Al-anon were still living with drinkers and to see the sadness/dred/and lack of self worth made me really sad and I will not let me self to sink to that sadness.
Okay then. It sounds to me like you have pretty much made up your mind and, at this point, are just going through the motions. It doesn't sound like you really want to stay with this man, so, why put it off until December?
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Old 07-13-2010, 07:02 AM
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I do not have experience with anyone saying that kind of thing. It would certainly frighten me. I do not think that is alcohol talking. I spent many years with an alcoholic and he never said or did anything that was threatening to me. Alcohol does not create thoughts but it lowers innabitions and increases irritablity and can lead to irrational behavior. What was the counselors response?

I would suggest going back to al-anon. Help yourself to really define your boundaries and what specifically you will do to uphold them. You are going to need that and, IME, it is easier said then done. Gather as much support as you can - and keep reading here.

I was going to end my post there but I feel it important to say that I really do think the combination of those thoughts and even a low level of alcohol (ie not full on drunk) seems like a very dangerous situation to me. I'd be worried about living with him myself.
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Old 07-13-2010, 07:18 AM
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Welcome!
You have found a great place for support!
Some important things to remember about alcoholism are the 3 C's
You didn't cause it
You can't control it and
You can't cure it

I can tell you this, My AH many times had told me he was sober for X amount of days and 99% of it was a lie.

If he said he was having thoughts of killing you, then you ARE in danger. Please call a domestic violence hotline. They can help you. You can also get counceling through them too for free. I would also move out. Your safety is the most important thing. AA is not going to fix his homicidal thoughts!

Oh and please give alanon anther try. They usually rec. you try at least 6 meetings before you make up your mind about it. Also, try a few different meeting days/times to find a good fit
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Old 07-13-2010, 07:42 AM
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Good Morning.

My thoughts on this would be if you are having to ask yourself that then no, it is not. While my husband did not actually hurt anyone, he broke into a random person's home and caused $15k in property damage for no known reason. The police called me and I went there that night with my sister (who is a state trooper). I cannot explain the shock I felt as he had to be in a blind rage to cause all of that damage. If you would meet my husband you would never think he could lift a dangerous finger to anyone or anything. He has never done anything like that before or since then. He was alone. He had not been in an altercation or fight with anyone at all. That being said, he was on a mix of several prescription drugs and lots of alcohol. He does not remember any of it and could not even lead you to the house if he tried. (All this after being a serious drinker for many years)

I guess what I am trying to say is that he snapped. No one was home thank God or would he have hurt them?? I guess I will never know. I am just trying to show you never know when someone who is under the influence will snap. This was truly his bottom. He has went to rehab, gets counseling, in a support group, etc...I do truly believe he will never drink again as this scared him as much as it did everyone else.

It should scare your mate that he has even had those thoughts, it should scare you even more.

Please keep yourself safe and stay in contact.

God Bless!
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Old 07-13-2010, 07:54 AM
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I would say, in a not profressional 's opinion, that he has a personality disorder. He is not right and the alcohol is making it worse. Alcoholics are notorious for being liars. They would not know the truth if it hit them in the face. So if he confessed to 11 days, you can bet its more like 3. Be on guard. And please keep yourself safe. Is there anyway you can move out?
I would not belive that he is stable. H
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Old 07-13-2010, 07:57 AM
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Welcome to SR..I was a Domestic Violence Advocate and Educator for my local womens shelter an I find his thoughts of killing you to be extremely serious. There are several things to factor in also, does he have a history of violence, own or have a fascination with weapons, history of abusing pets or people,have a history of stalking, history or signs of mental illness, made threats of harm to you, himself, or anyone else? If it were me I would talk to someone at my local womens shelter, they can help you with a threat assesment or something similar..what does counselor say? 11 days off booze is not very long and the way you are making it sound he doesn't seem very committed to recovery. The most important thing here is not his sobriety, but your safety.
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:11 AM
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Is it safe to stay?
No way in hell.
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:27 AM
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Reading your post is reminding me that my xabf would say things like that. He'd talk about how he wanted to chop me up into little pieces sometimes. Or put a bullet through my head.

I think you need to accelerate that 6 month plan. I think now that my xabf is mentally unstable and self-medicates w/alcohol; I am thinking maybe your AH is as well.



Originally Posted by whattodo28 View Post
Hi All,

I'm new... My husband of just over a year has started AA July 3rd. He was lead to do this because after a friends wedding he confessed to having thoughts of killing me. We are going through marriage counseling. The AA doesn't bother me as much as the fact that he thought about killing me. He hasn't done any kind of grand gesture or even anything extra in our marriage besides going to AA (which by the way it too 4 weeks for him to actually go) to make me feel better or loved. He says the killng thoughts were related to alcholo but he had them when he wasn't drinking, just hung over. I don't know if I can ever trust my husband again and the way he is acting isn't very promissing. I just didn't know if anyone had a similar story, or if you could give me any advice. In my head I have given it 6 months (so after christmas) to work on our marriage.

Also the other thing- yesterday I asked him if he had been drinking and he said now. I asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me and he said "I haven't had a drink in 11 days" (which would have been the start of his AA program) but techincally he should not have been drining since June 9th when we went to therapy and I said if you drink a single thing it's over (which that puts us more at 34 days) So I am confused that he didn't say "I haven't had a drink since our friends wedding" or "I haven't had a drink in over a month" but he said 11 days. Is that related more to his first chip and AA and that is what he counting now or do I need to think he had a drink?

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for your help!
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by keepinon View Post
Welcome to SR..I was a Domestic Violence Advocate and Educator for my local womens shelter an I find his thoughts of killing you to be extremely serious. There are several things to factor in also, does he have a history of violence, own or have a fascination with weapons, history of abusing pets or people,have a history of stalking, history or signs of mental illness, made threats of harm to you, himself, or anyone else? If it were me I would talk to someone at my local womens shelter, they can help you with a threat assesment or something similar..what does counselor say? 11 days off booze is not very long and the way you are making it sound he doesn't seem very committed to recovery. The most important thing here is not his sobriety, but your safety.
AH has never hurt me, or even gotten mad at me really. We have very few fights. When he is really drunk he does get aggressive but never to me. There were 2 previous occasions where he cursed out a gas station guy because the ATM didn't work, and then once where he acted like a tiger on a hunt.

He is on an antidepressent. The counselor hasn't said much honestly about the threat expect that I could have had him arrested. He thinks because of his medication mixing with alchol it created a monster when he drinks. My fear is there is a part there that is mean, but it will one day come out when he isn't drinking.

The other flip side to this is he has the ability to kill me with no weapons. He is trained in martial arts. I don't fear him, I just fear a future with him.
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:55 AM
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Everyone deserves to come home at the end of the day to a place where they feel safe and secure. However small, or large, home should be a sanctuary. Please do whatever you must to get away from this man. It doesn't matter when he drank last.
So much good advice here; try different Al-Anon meetings, and keep coming back here. Stay safe.
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Old 07-13-2010, 01:40 PM
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oh dear. he's not sounding sane. i'm also alarmed that he has been violent before, to the gas station attendant.

as a person who has lived with a violent drunk, i can witness that he flipped in an instant. one moment simply moody, the next moment smashing something.

i feel you should take this statement of his very seriously and if it was myself, i would get to a safe place. it all goes down in an instant. best if you weren't around.

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Old 07-13-2010, 09:35 PM
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If you feel worried enough to ask us, you ARE worried. Me, I would be heading for a safe place and also contacting his sponsor to let him know why I am leaving.

Just because he hasn't DONE anything, YET doesn't mean anything. There has to be a first time......when it is a life safety issue....don't let him have that first or last shot.

God bless
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:37 PM
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have you met individually with the coucelor? If not I would ask to. Bring up your concern.

I would also call the domestic violence hotline. I recently went throuh a domestic violence situation and it was very eye opening the information they can provide. They also have a screening they do ( not sure what it is called) But they ask a series of questions and then rate in on a scale of 0-4. My AH scored a 3.

Oh and I never thought my AH would get physical........until he did. Adiction is a crazy thing
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:52 PM
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I'll be honest... my first reaction to the title of this thread was, "well, if you have to ask... then definitely not."

And after reading the rest of it, I haven't changed my mind.
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Old 07-14-2010, 11:59 AM
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Oh and I never thought my AH would get physical........until he did. Adiction is a crazy thing
Exactly. And to my horror and shame the last night I drank, I got physical.

Beth
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Old 07-14-2010, 12:38 PM
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Welcome! I had a similar situation last Labor Day weekend when all the $hit hit the fan the first time. My exAbf had been gone forover a month and came back and said similar things. (About hurting me and himself) That is when he left me his babbled (would be) suicide note and drove to the mental hospital. I felt really OFF, but thought "how could he hurt me?, he LOVES me". Well, Dec 4, it hit again and he got violent with me. It wasn't the first time although I never told anyone. I would say if you don't feel safe in your own home, trust your instincts....I didn't.........
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