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I feel a little guilty. I know thats dumb.

Old 07-12-2010, 10:16 PM
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I feel a little guilty. I know thats dumb.

BF has been doing great. Really great.

I've been at his house for the most part, for several days. I havent seen any drinking. There has been no beer in sight. I almost feel guilty. :-/ Like I took something from him. We really havent discussed it. We went to a party Saturday and we both drank. It was a wedding reception and everyone was drinking.. we stayed the night, got up and drove home (2 hours) he didnt drink at all Sunday... I didnt see any beer today either. I havent smelled it or anything. Aside from the party I have not seen anything that leads me to believe he has drank.

Now, I know that doesnt mean its just changed and done. That isnt my issue Im posting about.

Im posting because I know its silly of me to feel guilty and ..almost sorry for him? I dont even know why. Besides that I love him and I know he likes drinking beer and we had the talk and now he doesnt. He agreed with me during the talk, that it wasnt a good thing for the kids to see all the time. So he stopped. We havent talked about "quitting" as in never drinking... it is too good to be true to think that he really CAN just have control of it?

The kids spend a lot of time at their grand parents on weekends and I really dont care if he drinks then.

I kinda felt like, this guy has controlled, cut down and managed his own drinking .. from very heavy in his younger days to way less now in his older age ( well 44 lol) and like MAYBE he really is in a good enough position with it that he can control it even more.

What do you think?
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Old 07-12-2010, 10:29 PM
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I think the thing to ponder is why on earth you would feel guilty that someone you care about is not drinking. You feel sorry for him?

That is what you need to figure out IMO.

I understand what you are saying because I often experience the same feelings. At least for me, it had nothing to do with what my partner was doing, or thinking, or saying. It was internal. It isn't healthy. I believe that it is part of my co-dependent behaviors that I must address.
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Old 07-12-2010, 10:33 PM
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I think you should just give it some more time. It's only been several days. What's the rush? Just let things go as they are, with you staying at your own place most nights and just see what happens in the next few months. The fact that there are children involved here causes me to suggest that you err on the side of caution. Going back to staying most nights at his place only to have to leave again should things not work out would not be good for them. From your past posts, your children are one reason why you were questioning his alcohol usage in the first place, right?
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Old 07-13-2010, 12:12 AM
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I feel like, from my own experience, that you need to take a wait and see approach on this. You may be thinking he can just stop, or even cut down, right now, but only time will tell.

Many alcoholics are able to quit drinking for a short period of time. I have a friend in AA who's told me, he could go for months w/out drinking. But he always went back to it eventually, and it would gradually go back to being excessive.

My xabf was drinking every night...we kept breaking up, getting back together...the last time we got back together, he was going to his therapist, went to a couple AA meetings...and managed to stop drinking every night. He could actually go a couple of weeks not drinking...thing is, it gradually slid back into drinking excessively, even tho he wasn't doing it every night.

Because he would get angry and violent when drunk, I told him if he was going to do this "cutting down" thing, I could not tolerate any drunken behavior. If he got drunk, I was out.

Well I let him slide w/ getting drunk about 4 times in an 8 month period of being back together. The 5th time he got drunk, he called me names, threw things at me...it was really bad. It pushed me over the edge, and I had finally had enough.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Drinking is destructive, harmful behavior--alcohol is a drug, a depressant and is toxic to your body. It's funny how it's such a socially accepted behavior in our society, that we look at it as a "hobby" or something. No, it's imbibing a drug that f's a lot of people up.

Originally Posted by incognito70 View Post
BF has been doing great. Really great.

I've been at his house for the most part, for several days. I havent seen any drinking. There has been no beer in sight. I almost feel guilty. :-/ Like I took something from him. We really havent discussed it. We went to a party Saturday and we both drank. It was a wedding reception and everyone was drinking.. we stayed the night, got up and drove home (2 hours) he didnt drink at all Sunday... I didnt see any beer today either. I havent smelled it or anything. Aside from the party I have not seen anything that leads me to believe he has drank.

Now, I know that doesnt mean its just changed and done. That isnt my issue Im posting about.

Im posting because I know its silly of me to feel guilty and ..almost sorry for him? I dont even know why. Besides that I love him and I know he likes drinking beer and we had the talk and now he doesnt. He agreed with me during the talk, that it wasnt a good thing for the kids to see all the time. So he stopped. We havent talked about "quitting" as in never drinking... it is too good to be true to think that he really CAN just have control of it?

The kids spend a lot of time at their grand parents on weekends and I really dont care if he drinks then.

I kinda felt like, this guy has controlled, cut down and managed his own drinking .. from very heavy in his younger days to way less now in his older age ( well 44 lol) and like MAYBE he really is in a good enough position with it that he can control it even more.

What do you think?
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Old 07-13-2010, 11:43 AM
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Knowing that alcoholism is a progressive disease, why on earth would you practically encourage him to keep drinking..because YOU feel bad? I am an addict, and alcoholic..in recovery. Being able to "quit" for days, months at a time didn't mean anything..in the end I still pretty much destroyed everything in my life.

That being said, maybe he's not an alcoholic. Alcohol is toxic to both alcoholics and non alcoholics. I would be very relieved that he could quit drinking..it should be a non issue.

I'm sorry..but I'm just reading a lot of you wanting to control what he does. Bottom line, give it time. Alcoholics cannot control their drinking..for long. Non-alcoholics dont need to. I wonder..when you guys drank together, did you drink moderately (moderate drinking is 1 drink for women, two for men), or was it a big ol binge?

Give it time. I am glad you're protecting your kids from it, especially if its going to be routine and ongoing.
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Old 07-13-2010, 12:44 PM
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Bingo.

As I told my xabf, if the person I claimed to love more than anything was experiencing pain and harm from my drinking, I'd have no problem putting it down and never taking it back up again.

Originally Posted by smacked View Post
Bottom line, give it time. Alcoholics cannot control their drinking..for long. Non-alcoholics dont need to. .
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Old 07-13-2010, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
you are having more a relationship with what he does or doesn't do, in this case, DRINKING, than you are with the man himself.
We have a winner, folks!
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