aboutdone

My RXAH who is now my BF and I visited his sister a couple weekends ago. She lives about 6 hours away. We took our 1yr old with us, and was to pick up his 4 children from a previous marriage there as well. Planned on staying a couple of days and hanging out with the Sister and her family.

We get there and the first thing she does is offer me a drink. She then proceeds to get intoxicated. I was livid to say the least. This is the woman I called last year when BF left on a drinking binge 2 weeks before our baby was due. She is the one who I have kept in contact with over the last year. She KNOWS BF went to and completed treatment at a 28 day facility. She KNOWS this is why we have been working on our relationship. She KNOWS that I will not tolerate him relapsing. He picks up a drink and I'm out. Period. End of story.

She knew we were coming, and never once mentioned that she is struggling with her own addiction. She led BF and I to believe everything was wonderful on her end. We get there and find out her husband has his stuff packed up in the garage and ready to move out. Her 3 daughters don't even hardly talk to her, and most days she passes out before 10pm.

Alcoholism runs very deep in their family. BF has a brother in prison for DUIs, we visited his Mom early in the morning before she started her drinking for the day, and she had the shakes something terrible. BF Dad has been sober about 10 years, and this sister just got her license back after losing it for a year for a DUI.

Her family was so very dysfunctional and full of tension that I was very uncomfortable, and to top it off, I felt like she had this attitude that now that her brother (BF) was there, she finally had someone to take her side, and she almost acted as if he should drink with her. I was pissed!

We stayed the first night, the next evening we had a bbq, and she got smashed, had 3 crying bouts through out the day, and kept trying to hug on me...laughed and asked BF if I really threatened him that if he drank again I would leave, and to top it off, got in a verbal argument with her husband over the firepit and launched her beer in the middle of a bunch of kids, directly at her husband.

I told BF if I had the money I would get a motel room, because no kids deserved that BS, and I didn't want to stick around until the next morning to here her whine and beg for us to stay longer, since she didn't really have time to visit with us, which is what she always does when we are ready to leave.

At 9:30pm, BF decided enough was enough, his sister had went in and passed out, he gathered the family, our kids, and hers, and her husband, and make the announcement that this is what he went to rehab for, and it was not acceptable. He said he had enough, and wasn't going to enable her behaviour any longer and we were leaving.

At 10:00pm we packed up our stuff, the kids and drove all night to come home. At 6am next morning the sister texts " did you really leave because of me?"

BF text back, not you personally, the disease, and then she told him she was going to go to AA, like that was going to make it all better. She later posted some stuff on FB that night, and didn't spell things correctly, which indicated to me she was drunk yet again.

I am so mad at her. Even though I understand the disease, but seriously, what BS, and to think she was looking for someone to take her side, or better yet drink with her. I told her husband, that he shouldn't keep dealing with this and his children deserved better.

I have yet to really say anything to her, but I really really want to send her a message on FB. I just haven't calmed down enough to say anything that would make any impact on her at all. I simply stated thanks for letting us stay, and she sent a snotty message back, about have a great summer, acting as if it was my fault we left. Which I don't give a hoot what she thinks.

What would you do?

I want to send something along the lines of "what a shame you tried to sabotage your brothers 11.5 months of sobriety for your own selfish agenda, and in the meantime you are losing a beautiful family, what a selfish Biotch you are." Yet I know that won't do a bit of good.

Any ideas?

Thumper

I would let it go...and ignore her entirely from here on out.

Sorry you had such an awful trip - and it does sound awful.

TheSeeker

Yeah, I agree with Thumper. Gotta let that go and be glad that you know the truth now, and that your BF had the guts, courage, and dedication to stand up for what was right and gathering up you all and heading out of a toxic environment.

sandrawg

I agree w/Thumper. Let it go.

You've lived with your bf while he was actively drinking, right? So you know all about the denial...of COURSE she wasn't gonna tell you she has her own drinking problem. She hasn't acknowledged it yet!

One thing I noticed about alcoholics...misery loves company. My xabf was always trying to get people drunk. He also hung out with a friend who was a hardcore alcoholic and would drink with him. I kept trying to tell him he was enabling his friend and that he might as well just give the guy a gun full of bullets, because the drinking was killing him. do you think my xabf cared? Of course not! As recently as 2 weeks ago, my xabf was going out to a strip club with his hardcore alcoholic friend, helping him put away a 12 pack of beer.

I found this out because NOW the hardcore guy is in AA. He's been sober over a week. He's in recovery but, I'm sure my xabf is still doing the same old same old.

Anyway, I would try to look at the bright side of this trip if I were you - your BF didn't drink!! Even with his sister trying to tempt him...he did a great job of staying sober AND walking away from her, so that he wouldn't be enabling.

I think he deserves major kudos, and I'd be very grateful of that if I were you.

Pelican

The best response is no response.

You are angry right now.
This incident happened a few weekends ago, right?

Can you ask yourself why you are still angry?
Are you angry with her for drinking, or at yourself for staying with someone who was actively drinking?
Are you angry at yourself for walking on eggshells for another alcoholic?

I know that I want to be mad at the addict, more than anything, I want to be made at the addict. But every single time, I find that I am more angry at myself for not enforcing my personal boundaries. I am more angry at myself for not listening to that small calm voice that tries to warn me of unacceptable behavior. I am angry at myself for thinking, I can handle this...., but I don't handle it. I get mad at me for not taking better care of myself. It's part of the process. Progress not perfection. I need to forgive myself, and try to take better care of me.

Please keep in mind, she is not powerful enough to sabotage your bf's sobriety. The only person powerful enough to sabotage his sobriety is him. It seems that he took control of protecting his own sobriety and removed himself from the drama.

I hope you are able to give her to your HP. Let go and let your HP have her. Give the rest of your night and week to yourself, your children and your recovering bf. You are worth the time and energy.

Jadmack25

Ok, she is a foolish woman who is drinking her life and her family down the drain.
She attempted to drag your BF down with her, and sneered at your boundaries.....so she's a drunken bitch. Detach completely from her, forget she exists and save your breath for anything important....not trying to get thru to her.

Now get on your knees and thank God, for your BF taking you away from there, and for being strong and determined to stay sober.
Forget the negatives....they belong to his family, but....look with thanks for the great positives that belonged to your BF.

God bless

aboutdone

Very good points. Thank you.

Why I am angry is because she has been in and out of trying to recover. I am angry because she is a very smart woman. I am angry because she knew if she had said anything at all about her drinking every night, I would have vetoed the trip. Period. I am angry that all the phone conversations and emails back and forth, she has talked the talk of recovering, and how wonderful it is that BF is finally sober. I am angry that she doesn't talk to her own mother because she is an addict, and she can't stand her, yet does the very same thing. I am mad because she has a beautiful home, beyond gorgous daughters, a loyal and good man as a husband and treats them like crap. I am probably most angry at her attempt to snub me and her attempt to drag my BF back down into the depths of hell with her. Thats what I am angry about.

So that IS IT. I am angry because my BF found his bottom in the midst of our divorce, after missing the birth of our daughter, after I had to go to social services for help to feed my children, and move to housing to be able to afford to put a roof over their heads, while he was out partying it up.

I am angry because even though it is up to my BF to make the choice to stay sober, and remain sober, I can't help but think along the way I too have made progress. Together we do this daily. I paid a very high price for this damn disease at a time when I needed my DH the most. I had to start over. I am over that for the most part, but I am highly ticked off at her attempt to sabotage all that he and I have been through.

I rarely admit or agree that anger comes from fear, but in this case I would say it does. I was scared to death she was going to be able to tempt him into drinking. Its not that I don't have faith in him at all, its just that the temptation was laid out on a red carpet for him. I am so very proud of him for standing up for his sobriety and making the decision to leave.

We spent the drive back home talking the entire time about what could have happened and how on some level he was thankful that he was able to see with sober eyes, what he IS NOT missing out on.

I expect his past friends to try to pull the BS on occasion. Hell, I expect his drunk, doped up Mom to do this. I did not expect his sister, the one who claims to be supportive of him, and love him so much to do this. How dare she!!!

So that is what I am mad about.

BF said we could maybe go see her sometime when she is sober, or invite her here to see us. I told him no, because I can not trust her at all. I think what bothers me the most, is BF doesn't have much of a family. He rarely talks to any of them as they all live 6 hours away, and she is the one he is closest to. I am really just so angry at her for leading us straight into the gates of hell in her home, and acting as if WE were the ones in the wrong.

Ok, done venting. For now. LOL.

Again, I am very proud of BF, because I know he was very torn about leaving her in the state she was in, but ultimately did the right thing, and refused to be there to hear her excuses in the morning.

sandrawg

**{hugs}}

Sounds to me like what you're really angry at, is the disease.

HealingWillCome

Betrayal is a painful thing.

I was just thinking about you this morning, aboutdone. You said something to me weeks ago that has stuck with me and given me strength many, many times. You asked me if I would rather put my faith in the promises of a drunk man or in the promises of God.

The empty words/promises of an addict don't tell the story like actions do. You saw the truth when you went to visit BF's sister.

Her disease causes her to do the things that addicts do--lie, manipulate, betray, and hurt others. She has let you down. It is what addicts do.

Your past experience will speak to you and help you to move past this. To let it go and be thankful that your BF held strong and gained wisdom from it. Hugs to you!