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Tired of it All (this sounds familiar)

Old 07-12-2010, 02:25 PM
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Being Silent so I can Hear
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Tired of it All (this sounds familiar)

So - my AH's attorney says I'm not getting a thing. I'm a deserter.

Maybe I'm out of line here, because I don't know many people who deserted their marriages, but generally speaking a deserter takes their stuff with them.
I would guess?

Someone who flees the marriage would take necessities and just get themselves safe. Which is what I did.

In the mean time, AH has done everything in his power to make it very difficult for me to 1) get representation 2) make it to the court hearings. Not to mention find better employment. Try doing that with no vehicle. It's really all just a continuation of the abuse, the very reason I left.

While I'm busy digging up years worth of bank and telephone records that they asked for, I haven't as yet received copies of anything they have filed with the court. Nothing.

I've called the pro bono attorney five times, and left five different messages. I've heard nothing back.

I want to move on. I want all of that space in my head currently taken up with this mess back.

Some days I'm tempted just to do nothing, and so what when the court gives him everything I own. I don't have it now, so I won't miss it much. I can't afford to hire movers to get it, and I can't rent a truck to go get it myself. So, I guess he gets it all.

I could borrow enough money to get up there with my car key and take back the vehicle he took in the middle of the night. But, he knows where I'm at, he'll just come get it again. If he didn't change the key lock, which he might have done? Doesn't seem worth it.

I guess it's just do the next right thing, which is to keep getting all this paperwork his attorney wants together to mail. Then wait and see.

I'm just so tired of it all.
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Old 07-12-2010, 04:31 PM
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Hugs, Still Waters.

You might want to do a bit of research into the laws for your state. Abandonment (desertion) may be defined in any number of ways, in some states, its "wilfully leaving the marriage without just cause and without the consent of the other spouse." Excessive use of alcohol or drugs may be just cause. In Alaska, there is a Family Law Self-Help Center that can help with forms and there are lawyers who offer "unbundled" services, which is basically a set rate to assist with a particular aspect of a case (though I think it's for if you're filing on your own). Maybe something similar is available in your area?

I wouldn't take his attorney's word for anything. He's paid to say what your STBX wants to say in a manner that is understood by the courts. Just because he says it, doesn't make it true.

I'm sorry that I really don't have much other advice to offer. I'm just starting my divorce and STBXAH was just served his paperwork. I don't know what to expect from him but his text message from when he received the paperwork is not encouraging (in fact it had me scared, shaking and feeling sick and cornered).

I completely understand being tired of it all.
Hang in there.
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Old 07-12-2010, 04:44 PM
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(((Still Waters))) - I have no experience with divorce, just wanted to give you a :ghug3 'cause I think you need one.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 07-12-2010, 04:51 PM
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Google is your friend.

This site has the laws of all 50 states.

Lawyer, Lawyers, Attorney, Attorneys, Law, Legal Information - FindLaw

Who needs the pro-bono attorney?

L
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Old 07-12-2010, 04:53 PM
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I do call them to get help with forms and such, but they can't give me legal advice.

I have the emails where my AH threatened to have me evicted from the home, and where he told me to either do what he wanted or get out. As I see it, it's hardly desertion when you've been told to get out. But, I'm not the courts.

The biggest issue (to me) is him moving all the money, and leaving me stranded. Knowing I had no way to get a decent job with no money and no transportation. And, knowing that would make it almost impossible for me to fight him legally.

To anyone else reading this, if you're making a plan to get out, don't do it the way I did.
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Old 07-12-2010, 05:01 PM
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In my state, the Circuit Court handles divorces and they have a free divorce clinic every morning for a couple hours. You should check out the website of whatever court in your state handles divorces and see if they also have a clinic.
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Old 07-12-2010, 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Google is your friend.

This site has the laws of all 50 states.

Lawyer, Lawyers, Attorney, Attorneys, Law, Legal Information - FindLaw

Who needs the pro-bono attorney?

L
Oh, I've read them all LTD. None of them tell me how to get financial support prior to the hearing, and none of them tell me how to GET to the hearing with little money, no vehicle, and no way to rent one.
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Old 07-12-2010, 05:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
In my state, the Circuit Court handles divorces and they have a free divorce clinic every morning for a couple hours. You should check out the website of whatever court in your state handles divorces and see if they also have a clinic.
They do, but I'm 12 hours away from the state the divorce is in.
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Old 07-12-2010, 09:09 PM
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How could anyone desert such a caring, loving and charming man?
Honestly, I have to wonder if tidal pull is not responsible for such weird thinking.

You had to leave for your salvation, because he is enough to send anyone stark raving insane.

It is difficult to give ideas or even look for places to go for help, when we don't know where you are and some suggestions may be unworkable for you.

He obviously believes that might is right, and is using every trick he knows to stymie you.

Do not believe one single word you get from his lawyer, it may not be a lie, but it won't be all truth either....and sent to undermine you and lean things his way.

Can you demand a copy of all documentation from them, as they are doing to you, and in fact whatever they ask of you, if applicable, you ask the same from them.

I pray that your hassles melt away, that you get the financial and legal help you need, and that the law is NOT an ass, when it comes to sorting out your facts from his fiction.

God bless
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Old 07-12-2010, 10:04 PM
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Ugh. You're so thoughtful and funny and caring. I'm so sorry.

Question: why are you listening to the AH's lawyer? Don't.
Are the kids with you? Do you have kids? Can you camp out somewhere nearby until this is over? So you can get to the free divorce thingy? Is there a homeless shelter you can stay at? They'll help you apply for benefits. I know that sounds crazy, but if you have nothing, you will qualify for help.

I might add, and gently, that you sound defeated. Which is understandable, but is your AH's goal, to create such stress that you give up. Is giving up and doing nothing is how you want to address this?

Why not go up and get the car anyway? Keep it hidden. He knows where you're staying-so change that location. Why do you think he'll just come take it back?

Why not ask for it in the divorce? And again, why are you listening to HIS attorney?

I"m sorry if this causes you more stress. You're just such a good person, this really cheeses me off.
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Old 07-13-2010, 01:17 AM
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Hi dear,
sorry to hear you're going through this and feeling this way.
His attorney is making an argument, that's what they do, you're entitled to your own argument, you shouldn't feel intimidated by what he says.
And there is another thing that's coming to my mind, it is something that seems out of your character (mine too), but your AH is playing dirty, why don't you play it that way too? To me everything he's doing to you seems like a abuse, is there any kind of agencies (I can't think of the better word in English for it) that give support through divorce court cases for the spouses that have been abused?
I think your AH is counting on you being scared, nice and not putting too much figth into it. I think he has you right were he wants you, and his attorney is making arguments you know are not true. I'm afraid if you keep playing it fair, you might end up defeated. Also, I think it's time you pick up on rules he's setting and beat him at his own game.
I'm sorry if this sounds inapropirate, it just makes me angry he can do all this to you and make you feel this way.
I wish you well.
HUGS
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Old 07-13-2010, 03:36 AM
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I so agree with Sesh's post! and all others, for the attorney will try to intimidate you into giving up. You have rights, even if you had to leave. You could say you were afraid for your life and had to leave. that does not mean youo have to give up everything. you need your own lawyer, tho , it would cost you.
my x's did not have to present any papers, even tho my lawyer asked. he got away with it. the judge is the final word, no matter what your hubbys lawyer says. so present your own case well. defend yourself, and do not just wait for all to be said and done.

If you dont have your own lawyer, you will have to speak for yorself, if you want your side to be heard.

good luck ! and do not listen to his lawyer, or him, about what you will get!
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Old 07-13-2010, 06:25 AM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
Ugh. You're so thoughtful and funny and caring. I'm so sorry.

Question: why are you listening to the AH's lawyer? Don't.
Are the kids with you? Do you have kids? Can you camp out somewhere nearby until this is over? So you can get to the free divorce thingy? Is there a homeless shelter you can stay at? They'll help you apply for benefits. I know that sounds crazy, but if you have nothing, you will qualify for help.

I might add, and gently, that you sound defeated. Which is understandable, but is your AH's goal, to create such stress that you give up. Is giving up and doing nothing is how you want to address this?

Why not go up and get the car anyway? Keep it hidden. He knows where you're staying-so change that location. Why do you think he'll just come take it back?

Why not ask for it in the divorce? And again, why are you listening to HIS attorney?

I"m sorry if this causes you more stress. You're just such a good person, this really cheeses me off.
I'm reading the letters I get from his attorney. Since I don't have any representation, I have to read them.

My daughter is with me. She isn't his child.
The domestic violence centers here can't help me with legal issues there. It would be so much easier if all attorneys could practice in all states.

He came here and took it once, I have no doubt that he'd come here to take it again. And frankly, I don't feel safe with him knowing where I'm located, much less giving him another reason to come here. I've thought about it, and I do think it would just be a waste of my time and money to go get it unless I could for certain keep it.

I have asked for "a running, safe, and paid for vehicle" in the divorce. That's what I entered the marriage with you see. He attorney replied that they weren't willing to agree to that.

Keep in mind that my AH is asking for permanent alimony and that I pay him for upkeep on his home (his prior to the marriage) and all the vehicles.
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Old 07-13-2010, 07:31 AM
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I wish there was more I could do for you Stillwaters.

The only thing I can say is this: I work for lawyers. I write the letters you read on a daily basis. I hear my boss on the phone, yelling to the opposite party, and then hanging up to go laugh it up on the office next door. It's all a game to them and they LOVE it. They enjoy it. I suspect some get off on it. Try to keep this in mind as you read the letters sent your way. It's a common tactic to ask for way more than they think they can get, all the while using the language that makes it all sound so official and reasonable.

As for what your AH is asking for, I don't know how they could get blood from a stone. You're unemployed at the moment? You have no assets? They could very well order you to pay x,y,z, but then, how would they get it from you if you're in another state and unemployed to boot?

I dunno. I'm sorry I'm not being more help here...
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Old 07-13-2010, 07:54 AM
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Oh my, they laugh over all this? Wow. I have to admit, I'm so stupidly naive about this stuff. I thought lying was a nono with legal stuff. I was wrong.

I am employed noday, can you believe I managed to get a job with no transportation!!! My HP has truly been looking out for me. But, it doesn't pay much. $10/hr won't pay a $100/hr attorney I'm afraid. And all my assets are in his possession now. There isn't much of them anyway.

You are being helpful, very much so. Thank you.
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:38 AM
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My prayers are going out for you. I agree with the rest, his lawyer is just talking to scare you. He is saying what your ah wants him to say. You NEED representation. Do what you have to do to fight for what is rightfully yours!!
I had so many people telling me (and rightfully so ) to get a lawyer. I know you have no money, but please do try to find one that will take payments, or for free. There are women's advocacy centers all over this country. Look online, you will find help. Try your local churches as well. I hate to say this, but I know there are some that will not help, but there are some that will. I wish you were in my area, my church would help you.
I think its great that you have a job now. And don't think for a minute that any judge is going to give him alimony and support for HIS house. That is crazy!! He will not get that.
Yes lawyers lie. And its not personal to them. They just play the game when they are on the clock. Don't let it intimidate you . You are obviously a strong women. You will make it, just don't let him run over you . Remember, I'm praying for you. H
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Old 07-13-2010, 10:36 AM
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You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please don't give up and let him have everything.

Can you move back into your state, temporarily, and take care of business? You do really need representation, and you can't do squat while you're living out of state.
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Old 07-13-2010, 10:48 AM
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Do you have the title to that car on your person? Is your name on it? I could take a bus down there and get it, sell it immediately before you even leave the state, and then use the money to hire an atty.

When it comes down to it, if you have an attny, I think this will be over soon. Him and his lawyer both know he isn't going to get alimony or for you to upkeep his house. No judge will give that two seconds thought. It is a game they play and a way for him to torture you long distance.
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Old 07-13-2010, 10:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
Oh my, they laugh over all this? Wow. I have to admit, I'm so stupidly naive about this stuff. I thought lying was a nono with legal stuff. I was wrong.
Yep, I can hear my boss and his coworkers laughing it up right now. It's a daily occurrence in my department, and I don't even work in family law, which I hear is WAY more cut-throat than what I work in. It's eye-opening to be on the inside and hear how little these guys think of their own clients, let alone of the opposing party. I used to just have this general negative image of lawyers...now I have a clear-cut idea of how despicable most of them can be.
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Old 07-13-2010, 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
Do you have the title to that car on your person? Is your name on it? I could take a bus down there and get it, sell it immediately before you even leave the state, and then use the money to hire an atty.
You think like I do Thumper. And, make sure you ask for reimbursement of attorney fees in the settlement so you can buy another car.

L
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