Do you ever just get tired of it all??
 

You know, having to work so hard for all of this and to get past all of it??:a108:

Today is 100 days of my husband being clean. I should be happy right?? Instead I just look at what he has done to our family, what he has done to me and how do I ever get past all of this?? He has cost us so much. Our family almost split apart. Thousands monetarily, $25k so far this little episode alone. More than that, life is just still not normal. I am so bitter all the time. I dont try to be, I dont want to be. When I am not around him I am not bitter.

I just want a normal life. Have a normal husband that participates in my life and my children's lives. Who does not stay up all night because he is worried, so he never sleeps. That does not have impending court dates. That goes to a job each day. THAT I CAN LAUGH WITH (will we ever laugh together again)?? You get the picture.

I think I am doing so well, then I just fall apart. Dont know why. I guess it is two steps forward and one step back. I just get so tired of trying so darn hard. I know he is trying too, but will it ever be enough again?? I guess only time will tell.

Thanks for listening to me ramble, which is what I am doing. I guess I am just trying to get it all out. Today I am just mentally drained. I went to my support group last night, so I don't know what set it all tumbling out today.

God Bless...

I completely understand your desires; they are entirely legitimate.

As for me, I *did* get tired of it all. So I left.

A perfect example of how alcoholism is a family disease.
Are you getting some help for yourself? Therapy? AlAnon?

Where your relationship goes will become clear with time- but getting a plan in place to clear up your thinking and boost your mental health is the surest way to get YOUR life and your kids lives to a healthier & happier place.

Never underestimate the lasting damage of all that stress and dysfunction.

peace-
b

It sounds like your happiness is still very much dependent on what he does or doesn't do.

The best thing I ever did was focus on myself. It's not easy. In fact, after a lifetime of ignoring my own issues in favor of "fixing" others, it was downright terrifying. But, it has been the most rewarding experience of my life.

I can tell you this. If you focus on yourself, your dreams, your life, then what he does will matter less. And, no matter what happens, you will be happier and more fulfilled. For me, therapy was the path to focusing on myself. I also read a ton of books.

L

Yes, I go to a support group and am also in individual counseling bi-weekly. I usually feel great after these things and am on board with everything. I think I am just physically and mentally tired and that makes it all seem a little worse.

I know that he has only been back home from rehab for a very short amount of time (Since the beginning of May). It has just been a rocky time for me mentally. I was so focused on his drinking that I was not thinking about all the other ways we have grown apart or become incompatable it seems. I want to try to get my family back where we need to be. He is trying and I know that. I have always been a person who makes snap decisions, it is what I am know for. In this instance, it takes so much time and hard work that it is just hard for me to process.

I look at the other ladies in my group and I see how far they have come, even in a years time, so I know time is what I have to give it. I guess I am just inpatient and want some normalcy in my life. I also am bothered by how quick I am to anger these days. I get that honestly (my dad and sister are the same way) but lately it seems to be worse than usual.:c004: I think I have so much anger that it escapes in short bursts and I hate that about myself. I want to break that chain and now I can see my 10 y/p daughter is becoming the same way.

I am trying to find a way to make peace within myself and rid myself of all of this anger, I just cannot seem to find it. I do realize I have Post Tram. Stress. and I am reading all the right books, doing all the right things, why can I not just get myself on track with this?? One day it will come and I will have peace and calm. Until then I will chip away at it and pray to God to give me patience and guidance.

Thank you all again for allowing my rambling!!

God Bless!

I want to try to get my family back where we need to be.

This kind of expectation would get me into trouble and would definitely lead to disappointment and anger in me!

I've learned (the hard way like we all seem to!) that my fantasies and idealization, particularly of the past, are some of the creeping tentacles of DENIAL.

Also vis-avis anger: my therapist taught me a great lesson- the feeling of anger is vital, it points to something being wrong and something that needs attention. It is the expression of anger that I needed a plan for how to deal with. It really came down to having the right words, and practicing them, so that I was not hurting people I loved or saying things I would regret, but I was also not burying and denying very important and powerful problems.

It also helped to say to myself ten hundred billion times a day: The past is gone, I am free in this moment.

peace-
b

Hopeful4 - I can relate to so much of what you have written...from the tired of working for it all...to the anticipating and wanting better/brighter days...to the anger. Oh the anger! I brought this up with my C two weeks ago and of course he said - getting rid of the anger will come when forgiveness begins...blechy. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

i'll second bernadette with the helpfulness of the mantra "the past is gone, i am free in this moment."

i find it very helpful to attempt to stay present and not project into the future.

any chance you can work in a small holiday for yourself? perhaps getting out of the home environment for a few days might help you gain some perspective. any old friends somewhere you've been wanting to visit?

naive

Thank you, what a great thing to think that maybe all of this anger is not necessarily "wrong" per say, but just that I need to learn how to express it. That is something I seem to be able to control, the anger is not. I am also going to work on counting to 20 before I even make a comment on something I am angry about. I want to THINK about what I say, not regret what I said.

I know not to expect complete "normalcy" and know it is not even rational. Half of the couples I think are normal have issues or are getting a divorce. I think the anger is just consuming me like a slow fire right now and it makes it difficult to focus and be happy, which is what I want so badly, happiness. I am so scared that my kids will not grow up to be happy and healthy that between fear and anger I dont seem to have much left.

You are all so amazing on your insight into this. I thank you so much for your input and support.

Post-rehab is still a very hard place to be. My STBXAH only lasted a month before relapsing the first time (and he lied about it for another 2 months.) About that time, I realized I just couldn't do it anymore and ultimately he went back to rehab. He didn't realize it at the time, but I arranged it so he couldn't come back here, and instead flew home to his parents when those 60 days were up. He had planned to visit them, but I figured the least I could do was get him safely detoxed before he went out there. I packed up the majority of his stuff and my family drove it back to his parent's home.

So yes, I got tired of it all. And I left. Or rather, made him leave. Life is SO much better now.

Being on this forum has made me realize how hard it is to even be with a recovering alcoholic.

I always thought, it only my xabf would stop drinking.

But I know that is not the total solution. Obviously, there are deep psychological reasons and issues that led him into alcoholism in the first place, that would need to be worked on. And how could I forget all the harmful situations he got me in while drunk?

I think recovery is just a beginning, and doing the work--going to al-anon, therapy, workign the steps--is even more crucial during that time. Sometimes when the alcoholism is removed, the underlying problems in a relationship surface. This is where the really hard work can come in. It's crucial to have a lot of support during this time.

Thanks for the share, Hopeful4. I certainly understand where you are coming from about the anger, the short fuse, the PTSD. I have done a lot of anger work recently myself. Whenever I have dealt with people such as alcoholics and addicts, I would just get so angry and make such an idiot of myself because I could not control it. I would scream and yell, literally frothing at the mouth and spitting as I screamed, because I would get so frustrated with and angry at them. It's embarrassing to admit but there you are.

The first effective thing I learned about controlling anger was to learn how to ANTICIPATE it and therefore be able to calm it as it arises. Do things like walk away, or count, or distract myself from whatever is causing the anger to arise. Second thing, don't make excuses for myself as to why I am justified in being angry. For instance, I always said I am just impatient, which may be true, but all that was, was an excuse to continue my anger and my resultant bad behavior. Another thing I always said was how HURT I have been by the other person, and that just justified continuing to hurt my own self (anger is VERY bad for the body, mind and soul). Third, lower my expectations. The other person is HUMAN. Also, coming to believe in God has also helped in this department. And fourth, expect the BEST possible motivations in others. Look for the good in your own life everyday. This will help you to appreciate the small things he has done or does and will help keep the anger at bay. I also try to remember that life does not owe me anything and I actually have it A LOT better than MOST people on this earth.

Of course, the best way I have found to control my anger with alcoholics and addicts is to not have them in my life at all, or as little as possible. But it's totally understandable because you have made a marriage commitment and he IS making effort to get and stay sober. If I were in your position, I would definitely give yoga a try.

Oh, I forgot, two more things. I think that my anger with addicts and alcoholics has lessened significantly over time because since i got into Recovery: (1) I stopped HELPING them so much and started using those resources that I would have spent on them (my time, money, energy, efforts, work, etc), ALL on ME and (2) I made changes to my life so that I get most of my self-esteem from sources other than the person in my life. I am consciously aware that their behavior has NOTHING to do with me or my worth. In hindsight, I realize now these are probably some of the biggest differences in my life that helped my anger. My very best advice, if you want it, is to GET SELFISH. And lose any guilt about it. And don't worry about becoming a selfish a$$hole because we all start out so empathetic and giving that it is likely IMPOSSIBLE for us to turn into "one of them."

I hope I am making sense here. Sorry if not.

Thank you.... thank you.....that is wisdom....

I did just that at lunch. Got totally and crazy mad at my husband and daughter for something she did. She manipulated a situation (ask mom first, no....ask dad second...yes, pretty common kid thing but nothing too major) and I just came unglued with both of them. I should not have even went home knowing how I was feeling at the moment but I had to drop something off at our house that I could not avoid. Mistake. I was breathing fire and cleaning like some sort of maniac. Totally off tilt....

Now of course I feel horrible and wish I could go home and hug my family and tell them that I love them and nothing is so bad as to act like that. I am happy he is trying and I dont want to be apart from him, I just want to heal and move forward with myself. I cannot relive this every day, I just dont know how to stop that. I have been looking into yoga, maybe I will give it a shot. One of the girls in my group wants me to take a spin class with her but she goes at 4:30 AM...:c029: I dont know if I can get up that early!

Thank you all again. You are a group of wonderful people and there are days that I literally dont know how I would get through the day if I did not have SR to come to.

God Bless!!!!

Then you should do JUST THAT. Go home and hug them and say you are sorry and tell them you know that it is not right for them to be on the receiving end of your anger. Tell them you know it is bad for you to be that way and that you are working on it. And then work on it. It takes courage but keep your eyes open to your self and what you are doing. Don't continue to allow how you perceive what others are doing or have done to excuse your own "bad behavior." You can do it! :ring

Well, that is what I am going to do. I am at work and cannot leave just right now, but I did call my husband and my other daughter who overheard it all and told them I am sorry. My other daughter had just left, but I do plan on telling her I am sorry this afternoon too. I AM, with God's help, in control of how I act and what comes out of my mouth. I WILL, with God's help, be kind and considerate of my family who matter the most to me and treat them with respect. WE WILL, with God's help, find happiness and peace in our lives over time.

I know I keep saying it, but really thank you. I have sat here in a mess all day and I literally have no idea how I would get through without all of you.:tyou

God Bless!

Good for you hopeful4!! :ghug3