The final straw?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I guess I can't technically answer this, since I haven't got my stuff out yet, but I would say it wasn't a straw, but a gradual process.
As I began to allow myself to think it might be over, I could move toward seriously considering it, then toward planning for it, and I think I'm ready to do it.
As I began to allow myself to think it might be over, I could move toward seriously considering it, then toward planning for it, and I think I'm ready to do it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Looking back, I can see that there were many, many 'last straws.' Or at least they should have been. I remember thinking they were at the time, but I always minimized, rationalized, and justified so I didn't have to take action. Sometimes I wonder how things might have turned out if I hadn't kept moving my boundaries and accepting more and more. But, I had to reach my bottom, just like everyone else.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I havent left yet, but its in the planning stage.
I went to Al-anon in Sept 2009 because my life felt unmanageable, married/living with an Alcoholic for 22 years. This led me on the road to my own recovery. I have read all kinds of books on the disease of alcholism and threads on this website and am a great believer in 'knowledge is power'.
If Feb this year my AFIL died and my AH had a 'lightbulb moment', admitted he was an alcholic and sought help from AA and a therapist. During my AH dry spell of 5 months, (bliss) I found out that my mum had cancer and my daughter was in a head on car accident, breaking her nose and arm and lucky to be alive. Even with this news, I felt in control and that my life was manageable.
Just last weekend my AH relapsed. Instead of feeling remoresful, he has gone back to the complete denial stage and my life feels unmanageable again. It just goes to show how messed up alcoholics can make us feel!
He is also back to blaming me and putting me down saying that I am boring, all I do is watch telly, eat smarties, my life is boring, as well as the usual passive/aggressive stuff. I think he is codependant on me, as I say to him what has my life got to do with you. I like watching telly, camping, spending time with my family, downloading music/TV to watch, walking and watching dolphins, kangaroos, koalas and fancy birds but this is my life and if he doesnt like it, go and get a life of his own.
So sorry to waffle on, but to answer your question, I have realised how at peace my life can be (even with bad news) when not living with an active alcoholic and I am now not prepared to carry on living with the stress it causes for a further 22 years.
I am also finally able to say to myself that I may not be the perfect wife but I am certainly far too good of a person to live with an active alcoholic and deserve soooo much better.
I went to Al-anon in Sept 2009 because my life felt unmanageable, married/living with an Alcoholic for 22 years. This led me on the road to my own recovery. I have read all kinds of books on the disease of alcholism and threads on this website and am a great believer in 'knowledge is power'.
If Feb this year my AFIL died and my AH had a 'lightbulb moment', admitted he was an alcholic and sought help from AA and a therapist. During my AH dry spell of 5 months, (bliss) I found out that my mum had cancer and my daughter was in a head on car accident, breaking her nose and arm and lucky to be alive. Even with this news, I felt in control and that my life was manageable.
Just last weekend my AH relapsed. Instead of feeling remoresful, he has gone back to the complete denial stage and my life feels unmanageable again. It just goes to show how messed up alcoholics can make us feel!
He is also back to blaming me and putting me down saying that I am boring, all I do is watch telly, eat smarties, my life is boring, as well as the usual passive/aggressive stuff. I think he is codependant on me, as I say to him what has my life got to do with you. I like watching telly, camping, spending time with my family, downloading music/TV to watch, walking and watching dolphins, kangaroos, koalas and fancy birds but this is my life and if he doesnt like it, go and get a life of his own.
So sorry to waffle on, but to answer your question, I have realised how at peace my life can be (even with bad news) when not living with an active alcoholic and I am now not prepared to carry on living with the stress it causes for a further 22 years.
I am also finally able to say to myself that I may not be the perfect wife but I am certainly far too good of a person to live with an active alcoholic and deserve soooo much better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 8
I haven't left yet, like yesbutnobut, it's in the planning stage.
For me there has been no last straw, although I feel like I've been waiting for one. Somehow one gets into the thought process that there has to be one last drunken tirade to be able to justifiably walk away. I'm not waiting for that. I am just waiting for the right time, and for plans to fall in place. I have to have surgery in 2 weeks, and then the following week my AH has to have a heart procedure. Yes, a heart condition that is effected by alcohol and he still drinks. Have actually on numerous occasions returned from the hospital after my AH has been "zapped" to put his heart back into rhythm, and he walks through the door 2hours after the zap and drinks!! and on occasions gets drunk!! Go figure.
Sorry, side tracked there!, for me I know I have to make it through possibly the next 4 to 6 weeks before I can make my move. Luckily for me, I feel strong enough to make it through, although I do have moments of self doubt!
yesbutnobut- I read with interest what your AH said about what you like to do. I get the same thing from mine, all my interests are boring, serve no purpose, more important things I could be doing, the internet is evil blah blah blah. Never thought to say to my AH what you say to yours! How very true though! I think I may pinch your saying and tell my AH the same thing!
Funny though, how they don't see sitting around getting drunk talking crap, is boring, serves no purpose, is evil, and down right stupid!
For me there has been no last straw, although I feel like I've been waiting for one. Somehow one gets into the thought process that there has to be one last drunken tirade to be able to justifiably walk away. I'm not waiting for that. I am just waiting for the right time, and for plans to fall in place. I have to have surgery in 2 weeks, and then the following week my AH has to have a heart procedure. Yes, a heart condition that is effected by alcohol and he still drinks. Have actually on numerous occasions returned from the hospital after my AH has been "zapped" to put his heart back into rhythm, and he walks through the door 2hours after the zap and drinks!! and on occasions gets drunk!! Go figure.
Sorry, side tracked there!, for me I know I have to make it through possibly the next 4 to 6 weeks before I can make my move. Luckily for me, I feel strong enough to make it through, although I do have moments of self doubt!
yesbutnobut- I read with interest what your AH said about what you like to do. I get the same thing from mine, all my interests are boring, serve no purpose, more important things I could be doing, the internet is evil blah blah blah. Never thought to say to my AH what you say to yours! How very true though! I think I may pinch your saying and tell my AH the same thing!
Funny though, how they don't see sitting around getting drunk talking crap, is boring, serves no purpose, is evil, and down right stupid!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
For me the final straw was the way the separation went. After 21 years I asked for a separation . I asked for a year of sobriety before we reconciled. He used that as a reason to totally lose himself in his addiction. He went from bad to worse (and blaming me for his total collapse). The final final straw for me was that he got himself a new female enabler in rehab > ouch!!!! - 2 months into the separation. They were "just friends" but I will not have that ever from him again as we are in the process of divorce!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I was off and on w/my exabf for 3 yrs. We broke up over a bunch of different things. 1st time was over him doing cocaine. I caught him doing it once at my apartment...told him if he did it again, I was done. 4-5 months later, he was acting weird one day. Admitted to me after much harping, and begging to know what was wrong, that he'd done coke the night before.
I broke up with him that day.
Month and a half later, he came back, but there was a complication - he had hooked up with his ex. Months later, I found out he had seen her secretly behind my back - I broke up with him over that. He came back again, 2 mos later. Things were ok for a few months, then he admitted he did cocaine again.
Silly me, I had thought he had a coke problem. He then confessed he only did coke when he drank. Well, he drank an awful lot. I was in denial about it. AND for most of our relationship, we had a somewhat LDR. I was far enough away that I was unaware just how MUCH he was drinking.
He fed me some quacking about how I should stay with him to help him with his "drinking problem." I said fine, but to prove to me you're serious, you need to be sober for 30 days. He could not do it. So I walked again.
Mind you, during all these time, there had been a couple of alarming incidents. One New Yrs Eve I had to talk the cops out of arresting him for throwing some chairs off tables at an outdoor patio of a restaurant. Another time, he got drunk and smashed my phone and his computer.
Of course, he came back a few months later, saying he was seeing his therapist, and attending AA meetings. I let him come back if he'd promise not to get drunk-he wanted to try "moderation management" first. Well, there were about 3-4 drunk incidents after that. Nothing harmful, just it was obvious he wasn't paying any attention to my rules. And I s*cked at upholding my boundaries.
So what was the final straw? The last time he got drunk was his birthday weekend. He started screaming at me because I wouldn't give him chalk so he could go write on the walls. He called me the "c" word. He threw his car keys at me. He got so out of control, and scared me so badly, I called a male friend to come over and take him back to his house.
He screamed at me, in front of my friend, for 2 hrs. Finally, he packed up all his things and left. That was MY last straw. This was April of this yr.
I broke up with him that day.
Month and a half later, he came back, but there was a complication - he had hooked up with his ex. Months later, I found out he had seen her secretly behind my back - I broke up with him over that. He came back again, 2 mos later. Things were ok for a few months, then he admitted he did cocaine again.
Silly me, I had thought he had a coke problem. He then confessed he only did coke when he drank. Well, he drank an awful lot. I was in denial about it. AND for most of our relationship, we had a somewhat LDR. I was far enough away that I was unaware just how MUCH he was drinking.
He fed me some quacking about how I should stay with him to help him with his "drinking problem." I said fine, but to prove to me you're serious, you need to be sober for 30 days. He could not do it. So I walked again.
Mind you, during all these time, there had been a couple of alarming incidents. One New Yrs Eve I had to talk the cops out of arresting him for throwing some chairs off tables at an outdoor patio of a restaurant. Another time, he got drunk and smashed my phone and his computer.
Of course, he came back a few months later, saying he was seeing his therapist, and attending AA meetings. I let him come back if he'd promise not to get drunk-he wanted to try "moderation management" first. Well, there were about 3-4 drunk incidents after that. Nothing harmful, just it was obvious he wasn't paying any attention to my rules. And I s*cked at upholding my boundaries.
So what was the final straw? The last time he got drunk was his birthday weekend. He started screaming at me because I wouldn't give him chalk so he could go write on the walls. He called me the "c" word. He threw his car keys at me. He got so out of control, and scared me so badly, I called a male friend to come over and take him back to his house.
He screamed at me, in front of my friend, for 2 hrs. Finally, he packed up all his things and left. That was MY last straw. This was April of this yr.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 32
Thank you, all! I can relate to the idea of the leaving being a process. I guess I am just waiting for the "final drunken moment" when I'll have had it. But i see that all of my H's behavior is just wearing me down. It's just rubbing away my strength and ambition. It's frustrating to say the least...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Final moment #1:
Seeing AH chase DSS around the apartment with a plastic lightsaber, laughing like a maniac, stumbling everywhere, screaming, and realizing that he was good and drunk.
Final moment #2:
AH slamming his fists repeatedly on the kitchen table, bellowing at the top of his lungs, accusing me, raging, while I sat next to him holding our baby girl.
Seeing AH chase DSS around the apartment with a plastic lightsaber, laughing like a maniac, stumbling everywhere, screaming, and realizing that he was good and drunk.
Final moment #2:
AH slamming his fists repeatedly on the kitchen table, bellowing at the top of his lungs, accusing me, raging, while I sat next to him holding our baby girl.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
I don't think I had a "final moment," although I felt myself teetering on the edge of what our counselor called "the line." As in, a woman can be very forgiving up to a point, but when her line is finally crossed, there can be no going back. And that's EXACTLY how I felt it - coming right up to it, him blowing it again and again, and finally, I took off my rings, slammed them onto the stovetop, and announced that I'd HAD IT, and wanted OUT.
He was drunk, of course, so I don't know how much he remembers. I don't tend to fight dramatically, but felt like I needed to do something dramatic to get his attention. It worked.) We were separated within about 2 weeks, with him going back to rehab and then going to stay with his parents.
He was drunk, of course, so I don't know how much he remembers. I don't tend to fight dramatically, but felt like I needed to do something dramatic to get his attention. It worked.) We were separated within about 2 weeks, with him going back to rehab and then going to stay with his parents.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I had been planning to leave for a few months (there was an incident a few weeks prior that made decided I needed to leave....as well AH being on a downward spiral for the previous 3 months)....then God gave me the kick I needed.
It was Christmas Eve morning. I just returned home from getting new tires put on the car. It was 11:00 in the morning. I had been gone one hour. When I returned home, I couldn't find AH. I ran upstairs looking for the kids. The 2 little ones (1.5 years and 3) were playing with their older sister 11 years old. The little ones were half dressed....like they may have just got out of the tub. I felt relieved that they were safe. I went back downstairs to find AH and he was passed out....
This is the first time I had ever seen him drunk in the morning.
I decided that we all needed to get out of there before he woke up. I started packing up the car to go to my mothers (we were supposed to go their for Christmas Eve that day anyway). But I knew I wasn't going to allow AH to come with. Before I could get all the kids in the car AH woke up and was screaming and yelling. He wouldn't let me leave and he took the 1.5 year old and wouldn't give him to me. He was yelling and acting so very scary.......the kids were afraid, I was afraid and shaking. I called my MIL who tried to calm him down but couldn't. So I called the police. They came he calmed down once the police arrived and we left. That was the final straw. I haven't been back and it has been 18 months.
It was Christmas Eve morning. I just returned home from getting new tires put on the car. It was 11:00 in the morning. I had been gone one hour. When I returned home, I couldn't find AH. I ran upstairs looking for the kids. The 2 little ones (1.5 years and 3) were playing with their older sister 11 years old. The little ones were half dressed....like they may have just got out of the tub. I felt relieved that they were safe. I went back downstairs to find AH and he was passed out....
This is the first time I had ever seen him drunk in the morning.
I decided that we all needed to get out of there before he woke up. I started packing up the car to go to my mothers (we were supposed to go their for Christmas Eve that day anyway). But I knew I wasn't going to allow AH to come with. Before I could get all the kids in the car AH woke up and was screaming and yelling. He wouldn't let me leave and he took the 1.5 year old and wouldn't give him to me. He was yelling and acting so very scary.......the kids were afraid, I was afraid and shaking. I called my MIL who tried to calm him down but couldn't. So I called the police. They came he calmed down once the police arrived and we left. That was the final straw. I haven't been back and it has been 18 months.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
1) When I was firing at him from my back porch with a BB gun. I am a lousy shot so all I shot up was my shed. He leaped over the fence.
2) He returned two days later and was beating on my front door, I would not let him in. He called the sheriff, and they arrested him in the front yard, found pot in his sock and found 3 warrents on him. Off to prison he went, and, I was done.
I was as sick as he was/is, it was him or me, I chose me. Final straw 101!
2) He returned two days later and was beating on my front door, I would not let him in. He called the sheriff, and they arrested him in the front yard, found pot in his sock and found 3 warrents on him. Off to prison he went, and, I was done.
I was as sick as he was/is, it was him or me, I chose me. Final straw 101!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Yknow, that is so true...I realize now, with hindsight, how sick I was, to have put up with all that cr*p!
It's a daily struggle to not beat myself up about the time I wasted. I think sometimes we get addicted not just to the addict, but to the drama. Eventually tho, the drama weighs on us. We're actually doing grave emotional damage to be with someone who puts us in these harmful situations, and don't even realize it when we're in the middle of it.
It's only when we pull away and get perspective, that we can see and feel how damaged we are. At least, that's been my experience for the last 3 months. Thank god, I have quiet and still time to think now, where I don't have to be wrapped up in HIS negativity and destructiveness. Sometimes it makes me feel a little lost tho, which is where I'm so glad I have SR, and al-anon, and my support group of good friends.
It's a daily struggle to not beat myself up about the time I wasted. I think sometimes we get addicted not just to the addict, but to the drama. Eventually tho, the drama weighs on us. We're actually doing grave emotional damage to be with someone who puts us in these harmful situations, and don't even realize it when we're in the middle of it.
It's only when we pull away and get perspective, that we can see and feel how damaged we are. At least, that's been my experience for the last 3 months. Thank god, I have quiet and still time to think now, where I don't have to be wrapped up in HIS negativity and destructiveness. Sometimes it makes me feel a little lost tho, which is where I'm so glad I have SR, and al-anon, and my support group of good friends.
Originally Posted by dollydo 
1) When I was firing at him from my back porch with a BB gun. I am a lousy shot so all I shot up was my shed. He leaped over the fence.
2) He returned two days later and was beating on my front door, I would not let him in. He called the sheriff, and they arrested him in the front yard, found pot in his sock and found 3 warrents on him. Off to prison he went, and, I was done.
I was as sick as he was/is, it was him or me, I chose me. Final straw 101!
2) He returned two days later and was beating on my front door, I would not let him in. He called the sheriff, and they arrested him in the front yard, found pot in his sock and found 3 warrents on him. Off to prison he went, and, I was done.
I was as sick as he was/is, it was him or me, I chose me. Final straw 101!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Eastern USA
Posts: 38
Thank you! What a great subject. I learned allot, I am still wondering when the last straw is. Things are wonderful for months, then all sh** hits the fan, then its great again. ah the rollercoaster of stupidity!
Thank you guys for all you wrote. Like I said I am learning so much on this site. I love it here!
Thank you guys for all you wrote. Like I said I am learning so much on this site. I love it here!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by GRACIE01
Thank you! What a great subject. I learned allot, I am still wondering when the last straw is. Things are wonderful for months, then all sh** hits the fan, then its great again. ah the rollercoaster of stupidity!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
The last straw came when I confronted him with his sneaking and lying about his drinking. He said he wanted to drink, and would no longer be going to AA (he was there in body only, anyway). He said if this was not good enough for me, that was too bad, and I should leave. He said, "I have to be me!". So I called some very good friends, and they helped me move out that very day.
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