sandrawg

Ouch.

How many times did I hear that one. It stings just to read it.

I went with him to his therapist 7-8 months ago, when he was pretending to be facing this stuff. Right there, in front of the therapist, he said "Sandra can either accept my drinking or walk."

I should've said, "ok, I don't accept it. Bye." and walked out, and never looked back.

LaTeeDa

Yeah, I heard it many times, too. The thing is, he was right. I spent so much time trying to get him to change, when in reality, there were only two choices:

Accept him and stay
Accept him and leave

It's really that simple. Acceptance is the key to recovery. It doesn't matter if you stay or leave, all that matters is acceptance. I wish I could have learned that about 20 years sooner, lol.

L

naive

my last straw was when he began to fall asleep (pass out) with lit cigarettes, burning the mattress, wooden floor, sheets, even his underwear.

after taking notice of this and noting about 20 burn marks on the wooden floor next to his bed, i wrote my first post here. everyone was alarmed.

i spoke with him that same day, saying i was scared to sleep. he said he would not smoke in bed. that night, he came in, fell asleep again with a cigarette. i woke him, took his cigarettes off of him. that's when he threw me around the flat, saying he would smoke if and where he wanted to.

naive

Still Waters

When, in marriage counseling and I stood my ground about no more marriage counseling until we had both had individual counseling (I was already going)... he stated that he didn't need counseling, that there was nothing wrong with him and that he would have no idea what to discuss with a counselor. That it was all me.

That was the end.

Thumper

It seems like I had many endings. I would plan to leave...and then I got pregnant. A couple years after that I would plan to leave then and I'd wait till after Christmas, or after school ended, or whatever - always waiting for that perfect time. I had planned it for spring, and then MIL came to live with us waiting for a nursing home placement, then I waited till school as out, then MIL came back, then ..... then I went on a camping vacation. It was the first vacation xah had came on with us for years. He was flat out drunk the entire time. 7 days from morning till night. I felt so old, tired, worn out, and hopeless. I could not laugh with my kids. Everything was so dark. My mind was sooooo dark. At the end of that trip my cousin, whom I am close to but she lives far away so I rarely see her, hugged me and said "My heart is breaking for you." That is all she said. 6 words. I had not even told her anything that was going on in my life. That was it. End game. How on earth had I become that woman? A woman that breaks peoples hearts. It was absurd really. I didn't even understand it. I still can't wrap my brain around how I could get so lost.

So we came home and I filed for divorce. Xah was completely flabbergasted. He had no idea that was coming. I had completely quit talking to him long ago so he probably was. He knew how much family meant to me and he was convinced that I would never in a million years leave. He was 'almost' right, but not quite.

From my first thoughts of leaving until I did leave things got worse. My own mental stress was exploding in the last 6 months. Physically I was falling apart. My blood pressure was through the roof even after they doubled my meds, my hair was falling out, my skin itched all over all the time, my eyes twitched, I had non stop yeast infections, I over ate or couldn't eat at all, my jaws ached from grinding my teeth so much, I had a constant headache, I couldn't go to sleep and when I did I couldn't get up....and I thought I might literally explode from all the internal rage. I was a flat out mess. Something had to give. I am happy to report that every single one of those things vanished by the time the divorce was final - 6 months from the fateful camping trip.

KeepingItReal

Several things happened

1. She said she wasn't going to stop drinking.

2. I decided that if I could just be ok with/less uptight about the drinking, the relationship would get better, but that didn't work out.

3. She told me that the only time she felt ok was when she was with me, drinking, eating, or shopping.

4. I didn't like that list.

Still Waters

Thinking about it (referring to my first comment), that was when I decided to leave. That wasn't the "end" in my mind really.

The END was when he came and took my vehicle in the middle of the night, leaving me stranded.

I think I always hoped that he'd still embrace recovery. I've heard the two year mark after getting sober is an important one. Time to get the body healed and clear the mind. Don't get me wrong, I never contacted him. I had no desire to talk to or see him. But, I did hope that he'd get better. At the very least get SANE.

So, when I woke up that morning to find myself stranded, I knew then.

theuncertainty

Final Straw that got me to leave the house: finding a picture that our young son took with my digital camera of a dog that we were babysitting. DS took the picture from the hallway, the dog was standing in the bathroom in front of the tub; (now) STBXAH was in the tub, where he'd apparently fallen and looked like he should have been passed out long before the picture was taken.

Final Straw that got me to file for divorce: the realization that

• STBXAH has been lying to me for years
• he continues to lie to me and our son
• he apparently feels no remorse for the mental and emotional abuse that he's put me and our son through, or at least not enough to STOP
• I no longer want to, nor am I under any requirement to, put up with his abusive and passive aggressive cr--
• I do not want to live with some one that appears to be getting even more delusional and unpredictable, regardless of whether or not he is drinking again.

sesh

I think the final strow for me was when I finally understood how serious and how bad his alcoholism was. Since for years prior to that I kept trying to convince him of that, while I myself didn't fully get it. Only when I allowed myself to be completely honest and when I saw reality for what it really is, I was able to leave and be in peace with it. So again it wasn't about him, it was about me.
Since than he ended up in hospital, with liver cirrhosis, and miraclously survived and is recoreving since. This is only going on for the past two months, in which I had to take him back home, as he had no other place to go and as he's still not well. I don't have a problem having him here, he's father of my children and I want to help him get well. But I don't see him as my husband any more, I don't know if that will change if he keeps doing well, but I know that the thing that will never change is this what I have inside of me: I will never live with or be in relationship with active A again.
So IMHO the final strow is not as much about what alcoholics do, but about us, deciding to open our eyes and see our lives for what they really are. If we take this to be true than time an A brings that glass to his lips is a final strow.

Thumper

That is so well put Sesh. That is exactly what those words my cousin said meant to me. It all came crashing down. Like flipping a switch I saw the reality, and it was shocking.

FreeingMyself

For me when my STBXAH turned to my 19mo old daughter and said, "A your mommy is a slu* and a B," I knew I was done. I KNEW with everything in me.

sandrawg

This still boggles my mind that anyone could say such a horrible thing to a child.



Then again, alcoholism makes people do some frightening things.

Kudos to you for getting out.

CatsPajamas

First marriage: when my 5 yr old son said something to me. I don't remember the words but I will never forget the tone of voice or body language. I had that AHA moment and realized my sons were learning how to treat their wives by watching how their father treated me. I couldn't get out for myself, but I could do it for them.

UNFORTUNATELY I did not have a program of recovery, so I got myself another one just like the first...

Second marriage: when he made my sons (teenagers) move out of our home for being disrespectful. Then he had me followed and confronted me for having the nerve to see my sons away from him - He reminded me they had been disrespectful and therefore I needed to disown them both. He had already severed ties with his own 3 children because he could no longer control them. He was convinced that I would move to another country with him so we could be missionaries. (that's another thread for another day...)

The second time I had a few yrs of recovery and I knew my life could be better. I decided to work on making myself happy, healthy and whole regardless of what he did. I chose recovery and he chose to continue a life as a manipulative control freak. From what I know he's still in that mode today 10 yrs later.

Jadmack25

I figured I was done when the morning after I got an insurance demand for his crash in his car, I saw him in bar area with 7oz glass of whiskey in one hand and a stubbie of beer in the other......at 7am.

The crash was when he hit a Mercedes in the bottle shop car park....DUH.
Couldn't hit an old Holden or Ford, could he?

Insurance policy was under my name, so I rang and took him off it, told them he was probably over limit at the time of the accident, had my few words to the idiot and left. A couple of days later I moved me and my gear out.

Later got accused of "stealing" $21,000 from him.....on checking this out, it was what he had to pay the Mercedes owner as insurance knocked his claim back.

I had load of guilt for years, but both guilt and he are now gone.

God bless

IamSaved

I had many.."Get help or I'm leaving you" moments. Too many in 3yrs.

The final straw for me was New Years Eve, 2009. We went to a sporting event, sponsored by a vendor of ours. Corporate box seats, free flowing booze, food, game tickets to a Blackhawks game. You get the picture right?

I came home that afternoon from work, excited but wary, knowing that NYE was going to be rough. He was drunk when I got home at 4p. Instead of leaving him home (which I should have done!), we took the limo (that he arranged, now I know why), went to the game. He got even drunker at the event. He downed 1/2 bottle of vodka and at least 6 more beers. He stumbled around, he slurred, he made a pass at one of our clients. He fell on top of my district manager in an attempt to sit down. Everyone kept asking me if he was ok, feeding him coffee in between more boozing it up.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I got called into the office at work on the Tuesday after this all happened. My boss was great. She explained to me that she heard what happened, but thankfully everyone involved brushed it off as he was 'celebrating' early and was a little more toasty than he should have been. I found out through my boss that he had taken a picture of the clients rear end that he made a pass at, and told her "You have a nice @ss." I wanted to DIE!

I could have been fired. I could have lost my job, my reputation. Everything, because of him!

His response to all this? "Well, I was just having a good time. Besides, YOU should have known better to invite me to go with you on NYE. You KNEW I couldn't handle it, so this is all your fault."

Yeah, that was the last straw. I left a month later.

hadenoughnow

I had one eye and foot out the door for years but still one in as I hoped he would get sober (he would admit occasionally that he knew he had a problem and wanted to quit). The final straw was when he told me that I "ruined his life" by asking him to get help, he was unhappy that the SA counselor told him he was definitively an A.

I was planning to file for divorce when he had a huge meltdown during which he tried to take our son (then 13), when that failed he holed himself up in a hotel room, would not tell anyone where he was and threatened suicide. That sealed the deal for me and I filed days later and basically gave him a month to get out.

bigpillproblem

This is my first post ever, but I needed to comment on this one. My ex did so many horrific things while drunk but the thing that pushed me to leave was him not kissing me goodbye one morning. Thats all it took. After 20 years. I took 3 kids and cabbed to a shelter. I have never once regretted it, or looked back.

cr995

I had phoned AH who had been out drinking all day to ask him when he would be home. He said in half an hour.Then I heard his voice on the phone and realized he had forgotten to terminate the call at his end. I heard him talking about me, making fun of me and saying what a sad person I was and how I was only interested in his money. After us being together for 3 decades I was so humiliated I was shaking. I was also mad because it was not something I could ignore - I had heard every word so clearly. I felt so betrayed and hurt - and it was all so unnecessary. I realized then that alcohol had won and I was powerless.

ThethreeCs

There are no last straws, and bottoms are not comparable is what I am learning. I always said that after having an abortion, I would stop all contact. If he couldn't be a father, and ran from responsibility, that would be it.

Then I rationalized, minimized and pushed my boundaries to accept a little more.

Then, I said it would be when he moved on and had a new girlfriend (which was more respecting the other women than respecting myself). Then I found out via the internet, that he has had a girlfriend for over six months while being with me.

I went no contact, then after I rationalized and minimized, I picked up an unknown phone call one day, but I knew it was him at 12:20 am in the morning, and I talked to him and listened like a friend. So, what happened to that last straw?

I always think I know my last straw, till it happens, and then it doesn't become a last straw but something else to rattle around in my head. I would like to think that I have hit bottom, or can stop myself before I get there.

But I take one day at a time, and try to remember "you get the love you think you deserve". I KNOW I deserve better, I just have to let my heart and head catch up with each other.

lillamy

A death threat to me and our children. That woke even me up. I wish the kids had not had to experience that. And the be court ordered to spend time with him.