rover

Hello everyone. Have been reading off and on. Now ready to post again.My AH is still laid off with only 10 weeks left. Nothing set up yet. Still has not gone for 2nd dui, they said sometime between july and september. Drinking and attitude have slowed down. Still drinks 1 or two times a week. Gets drunk sometimes. I am at my end now but things are getting complicated. He has always worked and supported us. I have worked but had a hard time keeping a job either because he was not responsible enough for the kids or I just was uncomfortable not knowing what my kids were doing, so alot of the time i did not work. I did put us into situations where we almost lost our home because i didn't work. But he has put me thru so much more IMO, all the drunken nights, the abuse, the kids seeing everything, accidents, vehicle damage, i could go on and on. Now we are like strangers, live under the same roof but do not talk at all. He is so very angry all the time and always snappy with me. I have made my own bedroom, as i can't stand to look at him. He says that if i would of worked and we wouldn't be soo broke that things would be better. So now everything is all my fault and of course he is still making me feel like a piece of ****!!He is going to try and get out of having to go to jail by playing the stay at home dad role while i am at work. How pathetic. He has about 7 charges on just this dui. Thinks he will get off scott free. I have told him I am DONE, says he wants 50 - 50 of the kids and it is not to be my concern if he has a couple drinks or smokes while having kids. Wrong answer!!!! He has drove with them while drinking numerous times, and I am afraid he will do it again. I am stuck here right now with no where to go, no money and only a part time job. Trying to hold out till jail time. He is just making me feel like the loser because i didn't work and a couple times i used his checks to pay for bills because i didn't have enough, i would forget to tell him and he thinks now i am a liar and a sneak. Is that true? He thinks he is so better than me but i am the one who has always been there for our children. I do not drink or go to parties and the bars like he does. Where do i stand? I will take any input i can get. Sorry it's so long.

sandrawg

Whew, wow.

It's amazing how textbook most alcoholics are, and how textbook we codies are.

It's tough, reading this forum sometimes. It's like we're all living the same story-we're all the same person, just at different levels in our codependency. I can see why people get on here and instantly reply "Get out of this relationship now, before you do any more damage to yourself and your kids."

Cuz that's exactly what I want to say to you.

However, just like every A has to hit bottom and nothing we say makes any difference, so too does a codependent have to hit their own unique bottom. Mine came after 3 yrs of off and on, broken promises, crazymaking behavior and lies..I knew in my heart my exbf had a problem, but I lived in denial for too long. That's what I gotta look at...why did I let him trample my boundaries, cause so much drama, and waste so much of my precious time, focusing all this energy on someone incapable of giving or having a meaningful rel'ship with ANYONE? Not even HIMSELF?

I tell you, the scariest thing about your post is what you said about your children. You have a choice, whether to put up with his destructive lifestyle--your children do not. I cannot believe that, knowing he has driven drunk with those children in the car, that you're still there and still putting your children at risk.

You say you're afraid of him doing it again--well what's to stop him if you don't start taking some action? You have a choice - you're the only one who can prevent this from happening, by getting your kids away from him. Why would you not be doing this????

I don't even know what to say to you other than, you need to get those kids out now, and I would highly suggest an al-anon meeting, asap.

Freedom1990

Do you have someplace you can go to and stay until after his court proceedings?

rover

I honestly don't know why i am still here, maybe because he has made me feel so worthless that i am now only realizing that. I am trying to find somewhere to go but nobody wants to get involved because he is who he is. With no money and no where to go, i feel stuck. he has some money but will never give me any.

sandrawg

I'm so sorry.

At the very least, can you get the kids away from him? are there any grandparents/aunts/uncles...?

rover

Yes there are but they are the ones who do not want involved. He can become very irate and they don't want to risk their own well being. Kinda sad yes, but that is the way it goes. He will just bad mouth me that i am the loser and bad one.

sandrawg

Um...does him bad mouthing you really mean anything, when your kids' safety is at risk here?

Thumper

Have you contacted a domestic violence shelter? They can give you referrals about places to go to get things situated to get out on your own. There is assistance out there for women that want to go out on their own. Help with getting squared away with a place to live, there is usually state assistance for daycare costs so you can work, health insurance for the kids. Things like that. Utilize what is out there to help you get out of this situation. That is what it is there for.

Living under these conditions clouds our thinking, makes everything foggy. We doudt ourselves and our reality sometimes. You are not deserving of this. You have done nothing wrong. Don't worry about paying a bill behind his back! You are surviving - the only way there is to survive in such a situation. He is an alcoholic and they make a game out of twisting truths and blaming others. We believe in you. We know what it is like.

You are not a loser. You are not stuck. You are just cracking open the door, peaking out at us, wondering what is out here and if you can come here too. I felt like that a lot, lol. Well Hell Yes. You do belong here! You are a winner for taking that first step and cracking open the door! Throw it open wide and come on out in the sun. There is help out here. There is a different way of life where you will feel safe, peaceful, and centered. Walk right on out. IME, despite all the threats and bluster, the alcholic is to mired in inertia to follow you out.

I know it isn't quite that easy. I was on a roll .

I found such strength from SR during this time. Keep posting.

rover

Thumper thank you so much. That was very comforting and I plan on doing that this week. I am scared as hell, because he is always the tough guy, bad ass, know it all, mr. perfect. But thank you for reminding me that i am not the loser. He is actually down in the garage with a buddy drinking right now, playing guitar.

Freedom1990

Those resources were such a tremendous help for me, being a single parent of two girls. Neither father carried health insurance on them, and I thank God I could get them good medical care with state assistance. Help with daycare was also a big bonus when I went back to work after having my youngest.

Reach out to those resources.

sandrawg

Rover, here's a 24 hr domestic violence hotline:

National Domestic Violence Hotline

I hope this helps.

rover

To freedom 1990; what other help options were available for you and your children?

tjp613

I work in a DV shelter (actually, on the hotline) in a major metropolitan city. Every shelter is different in what resources they can offer as is every state and county. All of those things are prone to budget cuts during difficult economic times, but you won't know what's available until you call the shelter and/or go for counseling.

Just FYI, if you were to check into our shelter you would be provided a private room for you and your children, but you'd share a small living space and kitchenette with another family. Meals are shared in the cafeteria. You and your children would receive intensive individual and group counseling several times/week. Your children would be educated at the shelter unless they are over the age of 13, then they would go to a nearby school. You would be eligible to stay at the shelter for 60 days, then depending on your individual financial situation you might be eligible for the transition program which provides ongoing assistance for another 6 months. The counselors help with applying for public assistance, legal advice, rent, utilities, and ongoing therapy.

rover

I am going to check into those things today. His friend left early and the drinking stopped but the anger was there. Said when it comes to finances, i have no common sense. That i made us almost lose our home and vehicle a few times. I would spend money on things we didn't need. And its true, which makes me feel like a loser again. Alot of hateful words thrown my way and yelling that my kids could hear him at the neighbors. Said if it wasn't for kids he would of left me a long time ago but he is not a quitter. Also said i am lucky he didn't beat **** out of me a few times or throw me thru the window that was behind me at the time. Says he is the coolest man i will ever meet, what more could i want. That i want to act like i am 80 yrs old and don't wanna have fun anymore. He still wants to have fun.Says every marriage has rocky roads and i always wanna walk out on ours. If we had money he would be happy and we wouldn't be this way. I do take full responsibility for the money issues because that was my fault. I still do not feel like i deserve all the stuff he has done to me.Did say i am an awesome mother and i have no faults except money.

sandrawg

When he says all that cr*p just think QUACK QUACK QUACK...that's what we call, it alcoholic quacking. It's all meant to make you feel bad about yourself so you'll stay and put up with his mess. Don't fall into his trap.

bookwyrm

So, is he the pot or the kettle? Spending money on booze is spending money on "things you don't need"!!!

You're allowed to buy a few fun things - so what. Doesn't mean you deserve the abuse you've posted here. If you're so bad with finance, then you can always learn. My XAH used to blame me for our lack of money. Yeah, had absolutely nothing to do with the ridiculous amounts he used to spend on beer and smokes. Turns out I'm not as bad with money as he liked to make out. I believed him for a long, long time too (we were together 18 years). it took standing on my own two feet for me to realise that I can manage my own life and finances quite well when I don't have to fund an active alcoholic!

Yeah, he's so fantastic and you ought to be sooo grateful he didn't beat you or throw you out a window - oh, he's so cool!!!

You're worth so much more than this. Get away from this abusive a-hole.

tjp613

Rover, honey... if you've been subject to that kind of abuse for any length of time it is no wonder you are beaten down and confused. And it breaks my heart to hear you take "full responsibility" for the finances being a mess. That just can't possibly be true because marriage is supposed to be a partnership and he is just as much responsible to keep a watchful eye on that (not to mention how much money he's spent on booze, etc.) He just keeps harping on that because he knows it's the button he can push to keep control of you.

Please know that this type of extreme verbal abuse can easily turn physical at any time.

And this is very important:

When you talk to the shelter make sure that he is nowhere around and allow about an hour for your initial phone call just to be safe.

Also, if you are making plans to leave DO NOT tell him or ANYONE. This is critical to your safety.

Abusers are all about control. If you let him know you are making plans to leave then he will step up the control which could very possibly trigger him in all sorts of nasty ways.

Please read this safety plan several times to become familiar with it: http://www.abanet.org/tips/publicservice/DVENG.pdf

Here's another useful tool (a safety plan template): http://www.ncall.us/docs/SafetyPlanExample10-06.pdf

Read all the stickies at the top of this forum relating to abuse -- they are all excellent. This one is full of useful links: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

Please let us know how you are doing. Remember, whether you decide to stay or to go, it is important to plan for your SAFETY at all times. (((Hugs)))

TeM

Rover, don't beat yourself up over the finances. I think we all buy things we don't need... it's what drives our economy. My AW and I have gotten ourselves in some financial difficulties, and it took both of us to do it. We should have known better, but here we are.

You're getting some good advice here, and I hope your situation improves. Good luck to you.

RollTide

Rover. We all know what you are going through. It sounds like you know that you have to leave this situation. I left mine and it was the best thing I could have done. I should have done it much sooner. You're getting some good advice here. I highly recommend going to Alanon. The people there also know exactly what you are going through.

nodaybut2day

rover...the stuff you are posting is sending chills down my spine. These words are words my XAH would use and they are ABUSIVE.

No one deserves to be abused. There is NO EXCUSE.

tjp's last post is full of useful information. Please start thinking about an exit strategy asap. The statement he made about you "being lucky he doesn't beat you" is a precursor to further physical violence. I'm very concerned for your safety right now.

Please call the hotline and see what help they can give you:
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7

Keep us updated when you can!