I cracked today...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
I cracked today...
This morning I went to my third funeral this summer. All very young people (41, 36, and 23). Today it was the funeral of my counselor's daughter. It was difficult beyond words. She was only 23, beautiful, intelligent, and had so much to give.
The priest said many beautiful things about life and death and reminded us that we are not promised any tomorrows. I left the funeral thinking about XABF. I texted him and said "Life is precious, sometimes short, and I'm reminded that there we are not promised any tomorrows. I just want you to always know that my love for you was genuine no matter the circumstances. In case I never get the chance to tell you again. You don't have to respond. I just wanted you to know."
I was at peace. I didn't care/didn't need for him to respond. This may sound crazy, but I still love him and yes the love is genuine, it was not a case of infatuation for us...despite the pain and the problems we had, there was a connection that was real. Despite the fact that we both have issues that need healing (my abandonment, codependency, and trust issues...and his abandonment, addiction, and commitment issues), there were many precious pieces of time in our relationship when we were able to give to each other with genuine giving love. Not fantasy, but reality. Our problems made it a toxic combination...and it was many times, but there were many pieces of time when the connection was powerful and real and we were able to be who we are with each other.
I fell asleep praying last week and had a dream that he and I were in a field. It was a beautiful prairie with a lot of wild flowers and sunshine. I watched all the ugly layers that had grown over each of us in our lifetimes be peeled away, one by one, and what was left was him as a child and me as a child, both of us around 10 years old. We were best friends, laughing, playing, no cares in the world. It was us, as our true selves, spending time together the way we know each other best.
He responded to my text this morning, and here is part of it..."Although it may not appear this way, I have not stopped loving you. There is not one minute that I don't think about you every day. If's continue to come into my head every day. You have a love and a lifestyle I am trying to attain. It has not been as easy as I thought it was going to be. Lots of prayers and soul searching and a great sponsor have helped. Continuing my prayers for you and your family. Miss those girls. I love you with even more of me than before. I know appearances don't jive with my words, but that will change soon."
This has stirred up emotions in me, but it's okay, and I'll be okay. When I sent my text, it wasn't because I wanted a response, although I knew that there would probably be one. I knew it could create emotions for me...scary, since I have learned that no contact is so important for finding my peace. But, thinking about life and death in such a real way this morning simply made me want him to know that what I felt for him was real. We had a connection that I know is real. He attempted sobriety last year. We had hours and hours of discussion about spirituality, a higher power, addictions, life as we wish it could be. We shared much over two years.
The addictions became too powerful. He quit going to counseling. I became silent instead of being honest about how it was affecting me. Until 3 1/2 months ago, when I just couldn't take the disrespect and dishonor and I walked away. In a sense, it was abandonment for both of us. I am getting help now. He is getting help now.
I don't want to go back to him. I have no trust in him because he filled the void with someone else so quickly, and yes, she is still there. He clearly knows that his words to me don't match his actions with her, and he isn't asking me to be a part of his life again. Which is good. Us getting back together is not in my reality, and I am okay with that.
The hard part is knowing that we had something that could have been wonderful. Addictions and abandonment steal joy from children and steal from our adulthoods too...until we are somehow graced with the gift of growth and healing and learn to make peace with ourselves. My peace has come from knowing that God, my higher power and my X's, will take care of us separately, and that some day after this life, we will have our time of happiness together. Until then, I am happy with the life I have, with the blessings I have.
Thanks for letting me spill all of this.
The priest said many beautiful things about life and death and reminded us that we are not promised any tomorrows. I left the funeral thinking about XABF. I texted him and said "Life is precious, sometimes short, and I'm reminded that there we are not promised any tomorrows. I just want you to always know that my love for you was genuine no matter the circumstances. In case I never get the chance to tell you again. You don't have to respond. I just wanted you to know."
I was at peace. I didn't care/didn't need for him to respond. This may sound crazy, but I still love him and yes the love is genuine, it was not a case of infatuation for us...despite the pain and the problems we had, there was a connection that was real. Despite the fact that we both have issues that need healing (my abandonment, codependency, and trust issues...and his abandonment, addiction, and commitment issues), there were many precious pieces of time in our relationship when we were able to give to each other with genuine giving love. Not fantasy, but reality. Our problems made it a toxic combination...and it was many times, but there were many pieces of time when the connection was powerful and real and we were able to be who we are with each other.
I fell asleep praying last week and had a dream that he and I were in a field. It was a beautiful prairie with a lot of wild flowers and sunshine. I watched all the ugly layers that had grown over each of us in our lifetimes be peeled away, one by one, and what was left was him as a child and me as a child, both of us around 10 years old. We were best friends, laughing, playing, no cares in the world. It was us, as our true selves, spending time together the way we know each other best.
He responded to my text this morning, and here is part of it..."Although it may not appear this way, I have not stopped loving you. There is not one minute that I don't think about you every day. If's continue to come into my head every day. You have a love and a lifestyle I am trying to attain. It has not been as easy as I thought it was going to be. Lots of prayers and soul searching and a great sponsor have helped. Continuing my prayers for you and your family. Miss those girls. I love you with even more of me than before. I know appearances don't jive with my words, but that will change soon."
This has stirred up emotions in me, but it's okay, and I'll be okay. When I sent my text, it wasn't because I wanted a response, although I knew that there would probably be one. I knew it could create emotions for me...scary, since I have learned that no contact is so important for finding my peace. But, thinking about life and death in such a real way this morning simply made me want him to know that what I felt for him was real. We had a connection that I know is real. He attempted sobriety last year. We had hours and hours of discussion about spirituality, a higher power, addictions, life as we wish it could be. We shared much over two years.
The addictions became too powerful. He quit going to counseling. I became silent instead of being honest about how it was affecting me. Until 3 1/2 months ago, when I just couldn't take the disrespect and dishonor and I walked away. In a sense, it was abandonment for both of us. I am getting help now. He is getting help now.
I don't want to go back to him. I have no trust in him because he filled the void with someone else so quickly, and yes, she is still there. He clearly knows that his words to me don't match his actions with her, and he isn't asking me to be a part of his life again. Which is good. Us getting back together is not in my reality, and I am okay with that.
The hard part is knowing that we had something that could have been wonderful. Addictions and abandonment steal joy from children and steal from our adulthoods too...until we are somehow graced with the gift of growth and healing and learn to make peace with ourselves. My peace has come from knowing that God, my higher power and my X's, will take care of us separately, and that some day after this life, we will have our time of happiness together. Until then, I am happy with the life I have, with the blessings I have.
Thanks for letting me spill all of this.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Yep, this is a fantastic place to be. Acceptance. Acceptance and compassion. Healing comes in this way too. I was there for months with my AH, detachment with love, but made the choice to try to work things out with him again. That just imploded in the last week or so, so if you start thinking about giving it another round with your X, please give me a call and I'll share my story. I'm smart. I'm strong. None of that can combat the death sentence of addiction, because addiction starts killing you long before your physical body dies. It kills your honesty with yourself. Your sanity. Your soul.
I'm sorry about the plane wreck and the loss of these lives. You may want to pick up "Journey of Souls." It's perfectly aligned with my belief system, my beliefs of the afterlife.
Thanks for sharing.
I'm sorry about the plane wreck and the loss of these lives. You may want to pick up "Journey of Souls." It's perfectly aligned with my belief system, my beliefs of the afterlife.
Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
I'm smart. I'm strong. None of that can combat the death sentence of addiction, because addiction starts killing you long before your physical body dies. It kills your honesty with yourself. Your sanity. Your soul.
Are you including codependence when you say addiction? If so ... amen to that soul sister ... amen to that.
Are you including codependence when you say addiction? If so ... amen to that soul sister ... amen to that.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I'm smart. I'm strong. None of that can combat the death sentence of addiction, because addiction starts killing you long before your physical body dies. It kills your honesty with yourself. Your sanity. Your soul.
Are you including codependence when you say addiction? If so ... amen to that soul sister ... amen to that.
Are you including codependence when you say addiction? If so ... amen to that soul sister ... amen to that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
HWC,
I love your handle name. Yes, healing will come. When we crack, we make more room to grow.
Life IS short, there are no promised tomorrows...so what do you want this precious life that you have to look like?
You have choices and options--remember, you ALWAYS have choices and options. And you can take all the time you need to sit still, be with yourself, and then create the life you want to live.
How precious that your counselor's 23 year old daughter has taught you so much in her passing. Such sadness, but what a gift.
Thinking of you,
posie
I love your handle name. Yes, healing will come. When we crack, we make more room to grow.
Life IS short, there are no promised tomorrows...so what do you want this precious life that you have to look like?
You have choices and options--remember, you ALWAYS have choices and options. And you can take all the time you need to sit still, be with yourself, and then create the life you want to live.
How precious that your counselor's 23 year old daughter has taught you so much in her passing. Such sadness, but what a gift.
Thinking of you,
posie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by transformyself 
Yep, this is a fantastic place to be. Acceptance. Acceptance and compassion. Healing comes in this way too. I was there for months with my AH, detachment with love, but made the choice to try to work things out with him again. That just imploded in the last week or so, so if you start thinking about giving it another round with your X, please give me a call and I'll share my story. I'm smart. I'm strong. None of that can combat the death sentence of addiction, because addiction starts killing you long before your physical body dies. It kills your honesty with yourself. Your sanity. Your soul.
I'm sorry about the plane wreck and the loss of these lives. You may want to pick up "Journey of Souls." It's perfectly aligned with my belief system, my beliefs of the afterlife.
Thanks for sharing.
I'm sorry about the plane wreck and the loss of these lives. You may want to pick up "Journey of Souls." It's perfectly aligned with my belief system, my beliefs of the afterlife.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks...I can't imagine another round with my X, but I know where to reach you if the thought crosses my mind.
I believe that our time on this earth is a blink compared to eternity in heaven. My Christian faith helps me to know that God is in control, and it is the reason that I have been able to let X go. My faith is in God that X and I will have eternity together, an eternity of happiness, in a place where we'll understand the purpose of what we're going through now.
Hang in there, Transform. I'm praying for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by posiesperson
HWC,
I love your handle name. Yes, healing will come. When we crack, we make more room to grow.
How precious that your counselor's 23 year old daughter has taught you so much in her passing. Such sadness, but what a gift.
Thinking of you,
posie
I love your handle name. Yes, healing will come. When we crack, we make more room to grow.
How precious that your counselor's 23 year old daughter has taught you so much in her passing. Such sadness, but what a gift.
Thinking of you,
posie
Yes, the reminder of the preciousness of life was a gift yesterday! We can be good to ourselves and good to others without letting others steal our joy.
Like Transform said, it's about acceptance and detaching with love. Loving from a distance, living life, and letting go and letting God. Those three things are written on a piece of paper and taped to my bathroom mirror.
Through this breakup, God has also reminded me that if I take care of my responsibilities the way HE expects me to (live life His way and not mine), then he will take care of the rest. It has felt good to get back to that place of confidence with him.
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