Help, Please...I fear she is relapsing.
 

Hello, I'm new here, so please be patient with me.

I started dating a girl (25, I am 28) and we hit it off really well. She told me right off the bat that she was a recovering alcoholic and participating in an out-patient rehab along with AA. She seemed to be very optimistic about treating her alcoholism, and I told her that if she needed any help she could count on me.

Well, things were going great for the first month, we connected really well and she continued her programs and stayed sober for 30 days...then she slipped and got drunk. I was understanding of it, because I know that slips are common in recovery. She seemed truly remorseful and said she hated me seeing her that way. However, not long after this incident her whole mindset began to change in regard to her optimism for sobriety, her life, and our relationship. She also discontinued her treatment, AA, and some medications citing that she couldn't afford the rehab, and the meds "seemed ineffective". Since her initial slip, she told me that she has drank socially a couple of times with her friends and on her bday, she went out and drank and said she had been planning on it and hadn't told me.

Now she has told me that she wants to break up with me and that se doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. Her behavior has been very erratic as of late, vascillating between sentiments of love toward me to this. Honestly, I think she is pushing me away because I am hindering her from her drinking.

I just don't know what to do now. Maybe there is nothing I can do. That's why I need some opinions. She knows she has a problem, and even said that she needs to get back into treatment.

Please help me. Thank you!

Also, I wanted to add that I have read many of the "sticky" posts pertaining to various topics on here. They have been very useful, and I hope that their wisdom sticks with me. Just reading over the signs of relapse, I know she is either already there, or getting there.

Welcome to SR, Seeker. Reading the stickies and posting is a great start to understanding. Hope you'll stick around because there is a lot of wisdom here.

Unfortunately, you were right when you said there's really nothing you can do. It sounds like she has relapsed and until she decides again, on her own, to stop, there is nothing you can do or say to change that. My advice is to do as she asks...just back off and leave her to decide what she wants to do. The more you try to engage and convince her that she shouldn't drink, the more you are setting yourself up for misery. She is an adult and has the right to live her life however she wants. So do you. Hang in there and take care of yourself. :grouphug:

It's heartbreaking really. I hate feeling like there is nothing I can do to help...it's just my personality to help people out. You're right though, she has to be willing to help herself first and foremost. I haven't ever really harped on her about the drinking. I just told her that she needed to focus her energies on her recovery.

One thing I failed to mention...she is a bartender, at a bar. Not particularly helpful, I know, as she is surrounded by alcohol, people drinking, and people she used to drink with before her attempt at recovery. She knows it's a bad environment, and I suggested maybe she look for another job. She did for a bit, but with her recent behavior she stared that she really didn't want to quit because she makes good money working fewer hours. I posed the question: Well, what's more important to you, money or recovery. Sadly, it seems that the money got the answer. I just don't know if it's her alcoholism that is affecting her decisions or if she is really even consciously aware that she is heading back down her destructive path. Geez...

Again, unfortunately, as long as she works in that environment, the chances of her truly embracing sobriety are pretty slim. It's easy to be gung ho about it at first because of all the momentum, but after a while, we lose that momentum and unless we stay active in a recovery program, it is all to easy to fall back into old habits.

I agree with Angelina though...you don't have a whole lot of time invested in this relationship, so getting out now is a lot easier than if you had years invested.

That's what the alcoholic knows and manipulates. It's counterintuitive to think that the best way to help an alcoholic is to NOT get in there and meddle and control and give it your best shot in helping them, but it's true. As a sadder but wiser person half a century older than you, I know that for a fact.

Be glad that all this is so transparent early in the relationship.

Suki: Thank you for the welcome and kind words. My previous post was mostly a response to you, but it also applies to Angelina.

I can't pretend that I know how the alcoholic mind functions. I know only really what I've read on here and previous experiences with family members who were alcoholics (father, grandfathers, grandmother). It kind of runs in my family and I did allow myself to go down the path of substance abuse for a while, but thankfully with some therapy I was able to pull myself out. I don't have the urge to drink today, so I don't think I was ever truly addicted.

With her, it was like night and day. When she was in treatment and her group AA, she was optimistic, loving, caring, and alive! I loved it about her, and I wanted her to succeed. Now though, she is pessimistic, moody, isolating herself, pushing me away, and worst of all seems to be drinking progressively more. It's just awful to see her go from one way to this. As far as our relationship goes, she knows I will support her, but she said there is a part of her that doesn't want it or anyones help.

Well, only you can decide if you will continue with the relationship. Only you know your own limits. It's just important to know that nothing you say or do is going to change what she does. If she wants to drink, she will drink, and you will have to deal with the bad attitudes that go along with that. If you decide to stick around, I second the motion that you find and attend Alanon meetings. Alanon and those of us on SR are only concerned about YOU and your well-being. We already know that she is going to do whatever she wants.

God, this is depressing to think about, but from everything I've read...you're probably right. It's a double-edged sword for me because not only do I worry that the relationship ended due to her "losing feelings for me" as she put it, but then I just wonder if that is true or it's her trying to eliminate an obstacle on her pathway back to alcohol. Maddening stuff.

It's only been a short period of time, but so much has happeed in that time that to me it seems like it's been longer. I really do care for her very much, and want to see her succeed. Ugh, I really hate alcohol. It has ruined the lives of too many people in my life and countless others I've never met. So sad.

Oops! I just made myself 20 years older--LOL--but the message is the same. I'm finally giving up on "helping" my 57 year old AH.

I found for myself, and like you, having had others in my life that have succumbed to alcoholism, the sadness of seeing others slip away somehow strengthens your resolve to "fix it" even though you can't. And it just doesn't work that way, sad to say.

It's a double-edged sword for me because not only do I worry that the relationship ended due to her "losing feelings for me" as she put it, but then I just wonder if that is true or it's her trying to eliminate an obstacle on her pathway back to alcohol.

Not to sound harsh, but...it doesn't really matter. If she wants to end the relationship, then just accept that. She drinks. It doesn't matter if she says that stuff because she's drinking or not. She drinks. She wants to be free to drink and not have to deal with your reactions or whatever the case may be. Again, my advice is to let her go. You will never understand an alcoholic's way of thinking and you'll drive yourself mad trying to.

This whole thing has affected me. When she and I met at college last semester, I was very confident, had high self-esteem, was optimistic, in great physical shape, and always upbeat. However, I am the type of person who tends to over-think and really be emotionally influenced. Myers-Briggs Personality type INFP. Since all this turmoil has transpired, I have found myself somewhat depressed, eating less, not motivated to work out, etc. I've also had some personal problems come up, so I'm definitely not placing the blame solely on her, but worrying about her takes some energy.

Maybe this break was a blessing, but it doesn't feel like it. It's hard to feel like you're abandoning someone you love.

Bingo!!!

I was with my xabf off and on for 3 yrs. I was always being dumped because he wanted to party w/his friends. I was also an obstacle. It truly s*cks to think of yourself that way, I know, and it goes against everything rational.

Many nights I spent thinking, "wait, but he says he LOVES me...so how on earth could he choose drinking over me?" That is probably the most crazy-making part.

We would break up and then in my absence, he'd start missing me. So he'd make some perfunctory promises to taper down his drinking (but note, never to STOP drinking altogether. That's a red flag right there.) I'd go back with him, and before you know it, it started back up again.

Total freakin' insanity for 3 yrs-that's what alcoholism did to me.

Unfortunately, relapse is a risk you take when you're dating an alcoholic in recovery. It's a helpless feeling but there truly is nothing you can say and nothing you can do, other than look out for yourself.

Check out al-anon, check out the book "Codependent No More", do things that are healthy, life-affirming and positive for yourself. If she pushes you away, I know it is painful, I know it s*cks worse than anything you've probably ever felt before, but al-anon and your own strength can get you to the point of acceptance and detachment. And stay here and keep posting! SR has been a lifesaver for me.

Honey, you're not abandoning her. Pls don't look at it that way.

She's in the grips of a disease, so she's actually abandoning you. The disease is making HER abandon anything that's good and positive in her life. It will drag her down into a death spiral if she doesn't get it under control.

Thankfully she has some time in AA and in sobriety under her belt. She has the recent memory of what it's like to be out of that tornado, so hopefully that will get her thru. But it's not your problem anymore. Please take care of yourself! Right now, while you are grieving the relationship, you need to take the utmost care of yourself.

It's kind of like what the say on an airplane- put the mask over your own face first. Look out for yourself. If you don't, who will?

Hey, I'm an INFP, too! For us, I love the quote "Don't Analyze--Utilize!" I remember telling my MIL that she should go to Alanon, and read x,y,z books etc. when dealing with her AB, who lived with her.

She didn't do any of that. Instead, she kicked him out and changed the locks on the doors and her phone number. I've always admired her for that.

Seeker, you are going to have to let go of your ego. You cannot save her. If you have read the stickies and continue to read and post here, you will see that many, many of us have been exactly where you are and many have been in far worse situations. The underlying theme is that we have learned that we cannot control another person and make them do or say or act any other way. We all wanted to control the situation. We all felt like there was something we would ultimately say or do that would cause that light bulb to click for our alcoholics. So, we kept trying, sometimes for many years. In the end, most of us realized that we were only prolonging our own agony and finally stopped. You are not abandoning her. You are getting out of her way and allowing her to live the life she chooses to live.

Thank you all for your insight. I appreciate it VERY much. I haven't had anyone else to talk to about this...it feels good to get it off my chest and to know that other people understand this whole mess. I'm just so sick about it.

Yes, and every RAH who ever posts on the Family and Friends forum, I've noticed, has said the same thing.

Go to the "Alcoholism" section of this forum and you will see the same message reiterated over and over, by both the active and recovering As on there. They all say "Nothing anyone said or did made a bit of difference in my decision to seek help."

It's quite sobering (no pun intended), considering how much time, effort and energy most of us have wasted trying to make the A in our life "see the light." It's ultimately wasted energy better spent on taking care of ourselves.

Seeker - my wife is an alcoholic, and our marriage is ending after 13 years and 4 beautiful daughters. She has been to rehab 3 times, to jail, been in a car accident with our children, acknowledges that she is an alcohol, but is convinced that she will now stay sober if I am not longer allowed to control her. I would strongly suggest a few alanon meetings for you. You cannot save your girlfriend, you will only become the object of her anger. Believe me, it's not a great experience. Be thankful that you learned about her challenges early in the relationship, keep her in your prayers, but RUN FOR THE EXIT NOW.

It is truly life altering to repeat the Serenity Prayer each time you think about interfering in someone's life -

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Good luck and focus on getting yourself emotionally and physically healthy.

ChildrenB4AW