Help, Please...I fear she is relapsing.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
Posts: 161
Hey Seeker,
I wish I would have bolted during the phase you are in right now. I did not, I actually wound up taking my XAGF to detox and then to rehab. I would visit her at rehab about once a week, and helped her with basics while she was there. She relapsed twice while she was there, and the last time ran off with a recovering alcoholic (RA) who could meet her immediate needs. The point is, that she gave up on her recovery program and I was expendable, had been the whole time. It has taken Al Anon and my HP and SR to show me the light.
I know it hurts, I knew my XAGF for over 18 years prior to our relationship, we were very good friends. What the whole experience taught me is that I come first, and no one else. I am a ENFP, so I am a giver as well. I have a job that requires me to give and to rescue folks. No wonder I am really good at what I do!
The lessons I learned as a result of this whole thing, was that I needed to do a lot of work on me, before I could have a relationship with anyone else. I learned to let go, and Let God. It has not been easy, in fact it is hands down the hardest thing I have had to do in my life, (I lost both my parents at a young age).
My advice to you, is to leave and don't look back, it will be difficult no doubt, but it will save you an untold amount of misery and finances, and in the end result you will be able to give to others in a healthy way, and they in turn will give back to you what you deserve.
I wish I would have bolted during the phase you are in right now. I did not, I actually wound up taking my XAGF to detox and then to rehab. I would visit her at rehab about once a week, and helped her with basics while she was there. She relapsed twice while she was there, and the last time ran off with a recovering alcoholic (RA) who could meet her immediate needs. The point is, that she gave up on her recovery program and I was expendable, had been the whole time. It has taken Al Anon and my HP and SR to show me the light.
I know it hurts, I knew my XAGF for over 18 years prior to our relationship, we were very good friends. What the whole experience taught me is that I come first, and no one else. I am a ENFP, so I am a giver as well. I have a job that requires me to give and to rescue folks. No wonder I am really good at what I do!
The lessons I learned as a result of this whole thing, was that I needed to do a lot of work on me, before I could have a relationship with anyone else. I learned to let go, and Let God. It has not been easy, in fact it is hands down the hardest thing I have had to do in my life, (I lost both my parents at a young age).
My advice to you, is to leave and don't look back, it will be difficult no doubt, but it will save you an untold amount of misery and finances, and in the end result you will be able to give to others in a healthy way, and they in turn will give back to you what you deserve.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 26
Man, I am sorry to hear of some of your own personal struggles with your alcoholic mates. I'm sure my rantings here seem pretty miniscule compared to the hell you all have been through. My heart goes out to you.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Thanks for your sympathy but you know what? it is true that whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
I'm certain that many good things would not have come into my life, had I not had this experience. Such as, all my SR friends! One of whom I met in real life, and he and I are really good friends today. He's a RAH who's in AA. He's one of the most positive, amazing people I think I've ever met. My experiences w/my ex, brought us together. Can't put a price on a good friendship like that.
I'm certain that many good things would not have come into my life, had I not had this experience. Such as, all my SR friends! One of whom I met in real life, and he and I are really good friends today. He's a RAH who's in AA. He's one of the most positive, amazing people I think I've ever met. My experiences w/my ex, brought us together. Can't put a price on a good friendship like that.
Originally Posted by TheSeeker 
Man, I am sorry to hear of some of your own personal struggles with your alcoholic mates. I'm sure my rantings here seem pretty miniscule compared to the hell you all have been through. My heart goes out to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by TheSeeker
Man, I am sorry to hear of some of your own personal struggles with your alcoholic mates. I'm sure my rantings here seem pretty miniscule compared to the hell you all have been through. My heart goes out to you.
It really sounds like this little gal has a long ways to go before hitting a bottom.
I was 28 when I ran out of gas. I was literally physically dying when I was taken to rehab.
I will also tell you that after 4 years clean/sober, I did drink again.
There wasn't a thing anyone could do about it.
Like this gal you know, I quit doing the things that had kept me sober and the end result was 2 months of sheer hell out there.
No one saved or rescued me.
When I was done hurting, when the pain of drinking outweighed the pain of climbing that long flight of steps to my home AA group, I got sober again.
She knows where the solution is.
Keep her in your prayers.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 26
Thanks Freedom.
She told me she had reached a low point before we had started seeing each other. She said that she couldn't stand the thought of causing her parents any more grief. She said a lot of things...unfortunately, they're just words and words seem to be powerless against this disease.
I am just absolutely crushes by this whole situation. I was very hesitant to get involved with her to begin with, but I convinced myself that she seemed seriously commited to her recovery and was still young enough to really have a good chance at it. I really hope she still can. I am torn between "being there" and preserving myself from the mental and emotional drain that has accompanied this aspect of our relationship. I may not have to worry about it, as she has broken up with me and eliminated me from her facebook. It hurts. It hurts to feel that alcohol is more important than the love of another human being, but I keep telling myself that this isn't really her...I got a glimpse of her when she was doing well, and I fell in love with that person, but she is not the same and it is heartbreaking. I hate it for her and for me, because she really is a special and unique individual.
She told me she had reached a low point before we had started seeing each other. She said that she couldn't stand the thought of causing her parents any more grief. She said a lot of things...unfortunately, they're just words and words seem to be powerless against this disease.
I am just absolutely crushes by this whole situation. I was very hesitant to get involved with her to begin with, but I convinced myself that she seemed seriously commited to her recovery and was still young enough to really have a good chance at it. I really hope she still can. I am torn between "being there" and preserving myself from the mental and emotional drain that has accompanied this aspect of our relationship. I may not have to worry about it, as she has broken up with me and eliminated me from her facebook. It hurts. It hurts to feel that alcohol is more important than the love of another human being, but I keep telling myself that this isn't really her...I got a glimpse of her when she was doing well, and I fell in love with that person, but she is not the same and it is heartbreaking. I hate it for her and for me, because she really is a special and unique individual.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
**{hugs}} We've all been there. Felt that same pain and confusion.
Unfortunately, it's the nature of addiction. Getting the drug is first and foremost and takes priority over EVERYTHING in the A's life. Pls don't take it personally.
I think of my ex as one of those rats in those science experiment, the ones they give cocaine to in a dispenser. Eventaully the rats forego food and social interaction and press that lever to get the drug, until eventually they die.
It's sad to think of a human as under that intense of a death grip, but that's how the brain under addiction works.
Unfortunately, it's the nature of addiction. Getting the drug is first and foremost and takes priority over EVERYTHING in the A's life. Pls don't take it personally.
I think of my ex as one of those rats in those science experiment, the ones they give cocaine to in a dispenser. Eventaully the rats forego food and social interaction and press that lever to get the drug, until eventually they die.
It's sad to think of a human as under that intense of a death grip, but that's how the brain under addiction works.
Originally Posted by TheSeeker
It hurts. It hurts to feel that alcohol is more important than the love of another human being, but I keep telling myself that this isn't really her...I got a glimpse of her when she was doing well, and I fell in love with that person, but she is not the same and it is heartbreaking. I hate it for her and for me, because she really is a special and unique individual.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by TheSeeker
It hurts. It hurts to feel that alcohol is more important than the love of another human being, but I keep telling myself that this isn't really her...I got a glimpse of her when she was doing well, and I fell in love with that person, but she is not the same and it is heartbreaking. I hate it for her and for me, because she really is a special and unique individual.
I know it hurts.
She's had a taste of recovery. She made the conscious choice to pick up that first drink again.
Notice what I put in bold in your quote?
This is really her at this moment, this is the active alcoholic.
When you come to accept that, you won't have the pain of hanging onto the 'other person', the one you came to love, and who is no longer present today.
She is what she is, today. She is not what she was when you first met.
Am I making any sense to you?
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Good point. I kept looking at my ex as two people.
I hung onto him cuz I kept waiting for him to just, wake up, and realize what he would miss out on if I left, and that he'd let the sweet, caring, kind version of him take over.
Didn't happen, for 3 yrs, and it's not looking too likely in the near future. I had to accept, that partying guy who gets drunk and mean, and says rude, hateful things WAS him.
I hung onto him cuz I kept waiting for him to just, wake up, and realize what he would miss out on if I left, and that he'd let the sweet, caring, kind version of him take over.
Didn't happen, for 3 yrs, and it's not looking too likely in the near future. I had to accept, that partying guy who gets drunk and mean, and says rude, hateful things WAS him.
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
I know it hurts.
She's had a taste of recovery. She made the conscious choice to pick up that first drink again.
Notice what I put in bold in your quote?
This is really her at this moment, this is the active alcoholic.
When you come to accept that, you won't have the pain of hanging onto the 'other person', the one you came to love, and who is no longer present today.
She is what she is, today. She is not what she was when you first met.
Am I making any sense to you?
She's had a taste of recovery. She made the conscious choice to pick up that first drink again.
Notice what I put in bold in your quote?
This is really her at this moment, this is the active alcoholic.
When you come to accept that, you won't have the pain of hanging onto the 'other person', the one you came to love, and who is no longer present today.
She is what she is, today. She is not what she was when you first met.
Am I making any sense to you?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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I kept looking at my ex as two people.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by TheSeeker
I may not have to worry about it, as she has broken up with me and eliminated me from her facebook. It hurts.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 26
I am just gonna lay low and try to work on rebuilding myself from this. There is really nothing I can do, and that is a very bitter pill for me to swallow. It goes against every fiber of my being to admit...but it's the truth. She knows how I feel about her and that I treated her well during our time together. I can take solace in the fact that I know I did my best. Ultimately, she has to get serious about her sobriety. For her sake, I pray she does very soon.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Well, just thought I'd update how things are going. I ended up getting to see some family last night that I haven't seen for years. That was nice, and a good distraction from all this. Although, they asked about how my new gf was (thanks fb) and I had to explain that we had broken up. Of course, I didn't go into details. None of my family or friends know that she is an A. They just say that her behavior appears to be very irrational and erratic. In reality, it really is.
I guess she's gone back to her old habits. Her new fb picture is her out dancing at the bar she works at. It makes me sad and angry all at once. I know thy there is nothing I can do. She has to get to the point where she sees what she is doing for what it really is. Still, it stings to know that she has rejected a chance at recovery and a good, supportive partner in me. I sent her a long message a couple of days ago explaining how I felt...after she sent me something saying that she is not unaffected by this and that she will miss and think of me. Still haven't heard anything back...maybe I won't.
So that's how it's going today. Another day behind me and another day for me to try and heal myself. Thanks again for all your support.
I guess she's gone back to her old habits. Her new fb picture is her out dancing at the bar she works at. It makes me sad and angry all at once. I know thy there is nothing I can do. She has to get to the point where she sees what she is doing for what it really is. Still, it stings to know that she has rejected a chance at recovery and a good, supportive partner in me. I sent her a long message a couple of days ago explaining how I felt...after she sent me something saying that she is not unaffected by this and that she will miss and think of me. Still haven't heard anything back...maybe I won't.
So that's how it's going today. Another day behind me and another day for me to try and heal myself. Thanks again for all your support.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Hey hon, it sounds like you're doing pretty well...I would suggest tho, that you try to stay away from her social networking profiles.
Not long after my breakup, a good friend of mine saw my ex's profile on a dating website. This really tore me up for a while. I wish I had never gone and looked at it. Things like that can really set us back.
If you're gonna focus on you, focus on you. Try not to think about what she might be doing or who she might be with. Just know that she's still in her disease, until she surrenders and gets help. That's really all you need to know.
Not long after my breakup, a good friend of mine saw my ex's profile on a dating website. This really tore me up for a while. I wish I had never gone and looked at it. Things like that can really set us back.
If you're gonna focus on you, focus on you. Try not to think about what she might be doing or who she might be with. Just know that she's still in her disease, until she surrenders and gets help. That's really all you need to know.
Originally Posted by TheSeeker
Well, just thought I'd update how things are going. I ended up getting to see some family last night that I haven't seen for years. That was nice, and a good distraction from all this. Although, they asked about how my new gf was (thanks fb) and I had to explain that we had broken up. Of course, I didn't go into details. None of my family or friends know that she is an A. They just say that her behavior appears to be very irrational and erratic. In reality, it really is.
I guess she's gone back to her old habits. Her new fb picture is her out dancing at the bar she works at. It makes me sad and angry all at once. I know thy there is nothing I can do. She has to get to the point where she sees what she is doing for what it really is. Still, it stings to know that she has rejected a chance at recovery and a good, supportive partner in me. I sent her a long message a couple of days ago explaining how I felt...after she sent me something saying that she is not unaffected by this and that she will miss and think of me. Still haven't heard anything back...maybe I won't.
So that's how it's going today. Another day behind me and another day for me to try and heal myself. Thanks again for all your support.
I guess she's gone back to her old habits. Her new fb picture is her out dancing at the bar she works at. It makes me sad and angry all at once. I know thy there is nothing I can do. She has to get to the point where she sees what she is doing for what it really is. Still, it stings to know that she has rejected a chance at recovery and a good, supportive partner in me. I sent her a long message a couple of days ago explaining how I felt...after she sent me something saying that she is not unaffected by this and that she will miss and think of me. Still haven't heard anything back...maybe I won't.
So that's how it's going today. Another day behind me and another day for me to try and heal myself. Thanks again for all your support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 26
Yeah, sandrawg...I know what you mean about staying away from her profile. It's ridiculous to look at it. It serves no purpose except to bring me down. I just want to march over to her place and tell he to get a grip and realize what she is doing! That this isn't about the two of us, it's about her saving herself!
Still working on the whole concept of being "powerless" and detachment.
Still working on the whole concept of being "powerless" and detachment.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I don't know if you saw my thread, but I just did the first of the 12 steps yesterday, which is admitting you're powerless, and that your life had become unmanageable. Wow, until you really start doing the steps, I don't know that you can truly grasp it.
It forced me to flash back to a lot of situations me and my ex got in, because of this disease, and it all really hit home. I got very emotional, but at the end, it felt liberating. I'm eager to keep going to al-anon, and progressing onto the next steps...I can't wait to see what the journey will hold. I really do feel so much better.
Until I started this process, I felt like you did. I wanted to just say something..anything..to make him see the light. But it's just not possible. Any recovering alcoholic will tell you that it has to happen on their own, the moment they finally realize the truth. If we were able to actually convince someone they needed help, alcoholism wouldn't be such a big problem, would it?
We'd be able to just, talk to the alcoholics in their lives, and they'd all get help.
That's another thing the 1st step helped me realize.
It forced me to flash back to a lot of situations me and my ex got in, because of this disease, and it all really hit home. I got very emotional, but at the end, it felt liberating. I'm eager to keep going to al-anon, and progressing onto the next steps...I can't wait to see what the journey will hold. I really do feel so much better.
Until I started this process, I felt like you did. I wanted to just say something..anything..to make him see the light. But it's just not possible. Any recovering alcoholic will tell you that it has to happen on their own, the moment they finally realize the truth. If we were able to actually convince someone they needed help, alcoholism wouldn't be such a big problem, would it?
We'd be able to just, talk to the alcoholics in their lives, and they'd all get help.
That's another thing the 1st step helped me realize.
Originally Posted by TheSeeker
Yeah, sandrawg...I know what you mean about staying away from her profile. It's ridiculous to look at it. It serves no purpose except to bring me down. I just want to march over to her place and tell he to get a grip and realize what she is doing! That this isn't about the two of us, it's about her saving herself!
Still working on the whole concept of being "powerless" and detachment.
Still working on the whole concept of being "powerless" and detachment.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by sandrawg
If we were able to actually convince someone they needed help, alcoholism wouldn't be such a big problem, would it?
We'd be able to just, talk to the alcoholics in their lives, and they'd all get help.
That's another thing the 1st step helped me realize.
We'd be able to just, talk to the alcoholics in their lives, and they'd all get help.
That's another thing the 1st step helped me realize.
Yes, I did see your post yesterday and I found it very informative and inspiring. For me, I haven't been involved with my A for a long period of time, so I'm not sure if I can appreciate it the same way. I remeber a conversation I had with my ex once about the fact that I would be willing to attend al-anon meetings or sit in with her AA (if you can do that?) just so I could better understand this disease.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
That's entirely up to you. I can't remember how long you were with her, but I was with my ex 3 yrs off and on, and a recovering alcoholic for a yr before that...
I guess I am going to al-anon because I feel damaged. I feel like my codependent tendencies are what keep getting me into relationships with alcoholics. I'm hoping that by doing the steps, going to meetings, working on my issues....that I won't end up in any more unhealthy relationships. I'm doing this for me, not my ex.
I guess I am going to al-anon because I feel damaged. I feel like my codependent tendencies are what keep getting me into relationships with alcoholics. I'm hoping that by doing the steps, going to meetings, working on my issues....that I won't end up in any more unhealthy relationships. I'm doing this for me, not my ex.
Originally Posted by TheSeeker
Wouldn't that be nice
Yes, I did see your post yesterday and I found it very informative and inspiring. For me, I haven't been involved with my A for a long period of time, so I'm not sure if I can appreciate it the same way. I remeber a conversation I had with my ex once about the fact that I would be willing to attend al-anon meetings or sit in with her AA (if you can do that?) just so I could better understand this disease.
Yes, I did see your post yesterday and I found it very informative and inspiring. For me, I haven't been involved with my A for a long period of time, so I'm not sure if I can appreciate it the same way. I remeber a conversation I had with my ex once about the fact that I would be willing to attend al-anon meetings or sit in with her AA (if you can do that?) just so I could better understand this disease.
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