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Old 07-13-2010, 04:01 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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My AH would always say it couldn't happen again too. This was while he felt sick and weak after coming off a bender. Then he would re-commit to his counselling program, have a couple of sessions with the counsellor. As soon as he started feeling better again, after not drinking for a week or two, he was always back at it. And it always started small, until he was in the throes of another binge. Suddenly, he didn't need a counsellor, he didn't have a drinking problem, and I was a control freak. LAther, rinse, repeat. When an A is serious about getting help, he doesn't care how uncomfortable it makes him--he just does it.
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:03 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I wish the best for you...but...

I have been with my AH for 6 years now, and I have had very similar experiences. I have seen the "change in attitude" and the tears, the "I just can't drink anymore", the counselor that he seemed to really be loving but was lying to him just as much as he was lying to me. My counselor said exactly what one of the other posts said. She told me that someone who really wants help will do WHATEVER it takes, not just give me enough to keep me hanging on by a thread. I moved out 5 months ago because I knew it was the right thing to do. I finally had a lightbulb moment.

We have a little boy and I have kept in contact with him more than I probably should have. He went into rehab and I thought I would be moving back in as soon as rehab was over because that is all I thought it would take. Well, he went through rehab. He lied the whole time to everyone, including himself. That's what this disease does. I have really been backing off the last few weeks, and yesterday he told me how much he misses me. I felt myself falling into the same trap again. I have been ready to divorce him, and somehow I am just so scared to make it final. I realize by saying I am done and staying I am completely harming this situation.

With alcoholics, every counselor and piece of advice I have ever gotten is to NEVER say something you are not completely prepared to follow through with. Also, the talking, crying, nagging, and then going to sleep and waking up the next morning thinking that today will be different will most likely become the story of your life unless you decide to take care of YOU. I am so glad that I don't have to do that part anymore. Like I said before, I hope he is different, but I cried myself to sleep almost every night for 5 1/2 years.

The next morning he would rub my back or cuddle me for hours. He never reallt touched me unless it was the morning after he had been drinking, so I was starving for the affection. It was just enough to keep me there. It's so sad how much I needed to feel loved. You should absolutely read this article:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
It helped me so much as well as reading other's experiences. I also go to Alanon and do a lot of praying. Good luck to you! I am still in it, but getting more ready every day to do what I know is best :-)
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:06 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I wish the best for you...but...

I have been with my AH for 6 years now, and I have had very similar experiences. I have seen the "change in attitude" and the tears, the "I just can't drink anymore", the counselor that he seemed to really be loving but was lying to him just as much as he was lying to me. My counselor said exactly what one of the other posts said. She told me that someone who really wants help will do WHATEVER it takes, not just give me enough to keep me hanging on by a thread. I moved out 5 months ago because I knew it was the right thing to do. I finally had a lightbulb moment.

We have a little boy and I have kept in contact with him more than I probably should have. He went into rehab and I thought I would be moving back in as soon as rehab was over because that is all I thought it would take. Well, he went through rehab. He lied the whole time to everyone, including himself. That's what this disease does. I have really been backing off the last few weeks, and yesterday he told me how much he misses me. I felt myself falling into the same trap again. I have been ready to divorce him, and somehow I am just so scared to make it final. I realize by saying I am done and staying I am completely harming this situation.

With alcoholics, every counselor and piece of advice I have ever gotten is to NEVER say something you are not completely prepared to follow through with. Also, the talking, crying, nagging, and then going to sleep and waking up the next morning thinking that today will be different will most likely become the story of your life unless you decide to take care of YOU. I am so glad that I don't have to do that part anymore. Like I said before, I hope he is different, but I cried myself to sleep almost every night for 5 1/2 years.

The next morning he would rub my back or cuddle me for hours. He never reallt touched me unless it was the morning after he had been drinking, so I was starving for the affection. It was just enough to keep me there. It's so sad how much I needed to feel loved. You should absolutely read this article:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
It helped me so much as well as reading other's experiences. I also go to Alanon and do a lot of praying. Good luck to you! I am still in it, but getting more ready every day to do what I know is best :-)
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Old 07-14-2010, 12:24 AM
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Hi all, thanks for the responses.

I have no idea what he needs to do to actually not drink anymore, whether an in-patient treatment program or an out-patient treatment program is better. And I could do a literature review of all the latest studies to find out, but I don't want to because I already have a profession and it's not as an addictions specialist.

It is heartening to see him say, for the first time since I've known him, "I don't want to drink anymore." But my gut tells me one needs more than just weekly sessions with a counsellor to make such a leap, no matter how committed one is. It's like acknowledging you have cancer and then saying, "Naw, I won't get chemo, I'll just beat it through positive thinking!"

So thanks again for all the food for thought, and I'll see how it goes tomorrow. I'm trying to think: what would induce me to stay at this point, if anything? If he starts a treatment program that's more than just the counselling? If he starts medication? I'll ask the drink counsellor what he thinks.

(Also, I need to remember to just call the counsellor Tony when we meet. My husband and I know a lot of "Tonys" so between ourselves we've been calling him "Drinking Tony." Which, you know, he might not appreciate.)
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Old 07-14-2010, 06:56 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by akrasia View Post
I'm trying to think: what would induce me to stay at this point, if anything? If he starts a treatment program that's more than just the counselling? If he starts medication? I'll ask the drink counsellor what he thinks.
Rather than base your decisions on the specific steps he decides to take (or not take), try thinking about behavior. What behavior is acceptable and unacceptable to you? What are your boundaries?

I commend you for not researching what is best for him. It's entirely his decision how he wants to approach this. Your decisions should be about you and what you are willing to tolerate.

L
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Old 07-15-2010, 03:18 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Thanks LaTeeDa, I see what you're saying, but I've reserved an apartment to move into two weeks from now. I'm clear on what actions aren't acceptable, I'm looking for an indication of real change.

For those of you playing along at home, he's sober now and back to his non-drinking self, so we're back to the peaceful home life. The counsellor came over this morning and we had our little session.

We had a nice talk about it, trying to find solutions. The counsellor said that he wouldn't recommend residential treatment in my husband's case, as he was only out of control during the binges (which last about a week until he sobers himself up). Also the counsellor wouldn't recommend medication. The counsellor recommended a drinking diary and more intensive counselling. Also my husband reiterated that he didn't want to binge anymore, and if it meant not drinking any alcohol ever again, then so be it.

My counsellor said it would be a long process, finding other outlets for stress, etc., as one would expect. (Which, I'm happy to leave the whole treatment process to them as I'm not an addictions specialist, just so long as it's something serious.)

I was able to get it off my chest that I was tired of walking on eggshells all the time, that even when he isn't bingeing I'm worried about when the next one will be, and I can't go on like that. Which my husband kind of knew, but it was nice to say my piece.

He's ashamed and contrite, but I don't want any of that: contrition never lasts and anyway I think contrition and resentment are two sides of the same coin. Put your energy into generally knocking it off!

So--do I keep my apartment for the end of the month, or not?

Let's see: on one hand, husband has said for the first time that he doesn't want to drink anymore. He's committed to intensive alcoholic/addictions counselling. This is a major step, and so in the wake of that it doesn't really make sense for me to then go, "Yeah, but I'll just cut my losses anyway and leave."

On the other hand, oh, who knows? Really only time will tell whether he's got the commitment to this.

I need a plan for myself though. I could do this: if, at the end of these two weeks, he's still doing the intensive counselling and diary, then I'll cancel my apartment and stay. If he's back to the "Hey, what's the big deal?" crap, then I'll go.
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Old 07-15-2010, 04:12 AM
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Oh, and I still haven't mentioned the fact that I found an apartment, because I don't really do threats. If I decide to leave, I'll leave, and if not I'll stay.
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Old 07-15-2010, 05:05 AM
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It is a hard position.

Instead of cutting your losses and leaving could you frame it, to yourself and him, that you are moving into your own space for 6 months and see where things go. If he continues with his counseling/recovery/abstinence etc. you can maintain contact and work on things during that time. At the end of 6 months you can take a look at where things sit. If he does not stay on the path to recovery, well then you have your space.
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Old 07-15-2010, 05:51 AM
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Thanks. I'm feeling so hurt right now, and lost. And the person I usually go to for comfort is him!
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Old 07-15-2010, 06:20 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by akrasia View Post
My counsellor said it would be a long process, finding other outlets for stress, etc., as one would expect. (Which, I'm happy to leave the whole treatment process to them as I'm not an addictions specialist, just so long as it's something serious.)

I was able to get it off my chest that I was tired of walking on eggshells all the time, that even when he isn't bingeing I'm worried about when the next one will be, and I can't go on like that. Which my husband kind of knew, but it was nice to say my piece.


I need a plan for myself though. I could do this: if, at the end of these two weeks, he's still doing the intensive counselling and diary, then I'll cancel my apartment and stay. If he's back to the "Hey, what's the big deal?" crap, then I'll go.
Keep in mind, the counselor recommended intensive counseling just this morning. The intensive counseling hasn't started yet, right? I'd look at the A's actions over the next week. Does he start the diary and does he schedule and maintain the intensive counseling?

The counselor has advised you that this is a long process.
You have admitted to walking on eggshells in your own home.

You have an apartment available to give yourself and your A some time to work on your own recoveries. Taking the apartment does not mean ending the relationship forever.

The apartment is your santuary. You can walk around barefoot (no eggshells). If you are grumpy after work, you can be grumpy and relax at your own pace. Walking around on eggshells is a learned behavior. In my experience, I was more aware of another persons feelings. I eventually put the other persons feelings ahead of my own. Learning to be aware of my own feelings and learning to respect my own feelings took time.

The apartment is an opportunity to take the time needed to focus on your own feelings. It is an opportunity to learn to love and respect yourself.

You can still love your A. You can respect his recovery by giving him the time and space he needs to do the hard work.

Best wishes to you both as you begin your recovery journies.
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Old 07-15-2010, 12:21 PM
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Hm, kind of a rough day after all. I thought the counselling went okay.

Husband came back later today though (I was working at home) and was really distant, I could tell he was upset. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Well, you can really hold on to resentments, can't you?" I said, "Hey, you were the one who kept telling the counsellor, 'I want to hear what akrasia has to say!' so I told you what it was like for me, worrying about the binges!"

So we were grumpy with each other for a while there, which was a little awkward since we were both working at home. But we're friends again now. Anyway, we'll see how it goes.
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Old 07-15-2010, 02:21 PM
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Things any better AKrasia?
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Old 07-16-2010, 08:58 AM
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It is a long process, it's the rest of your/his life. Take the life rope offered at alanon, it might be of some help. Take care of Yourself.
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Old 07-16-2010, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by akrasia View Post
If things don't change once he's sobered up tomorrow I will leave for a few months. I don't want to divorce him, ever.

Hi Akrasia... Welcome to SR!

I'm so sorry you are going through this now.

I pulled this statement out because it stands out the most. I believe you should find an AlAnon meeting to attend if they have them where you are and/or read up on alcoholism and addiction. I just hope you understand that recovery takes time and doesn't happen in a few days or by "tomorrow." He might stop drinking but without recovery work his behaviors stay the same and a relapse is inevitable (always). It's a vicious cycle that you can get easily pulled into if you allow.

Possibly, your idea of going away for a few months to see what he decides may not be a bad idea. It will certaintly get you to focus on your own healing and to get him to focus on recovery (if he chooses that path). If not, you have already done the hardest part and that's stepping out on your own.

Best of luck with that decision. I know all too well the difficulty in making them.
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Old 07-17-2010, 07:25 AM
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Hey you guys! I came back to all these nice check-ins, thank you.

I was away on rather an epic business trip yesterday, which ended up affording me time to think while on the train. I realized that when I'd made the decision about the apartment I'd been 1. in a panic and 2. 100% alone, neither of which is a good place to make life-changing decisions.

So I called the woman and said I didn't want the apartment after all, which was fine because she had someone else who was keen.

Thanks to you-all, I've decided it's weird that I haven't reached out to anyone about this. I mean, I'm a private person and I'll always be that way, but that's different from getting help when you need it. Sheesh. I'm not keen on groups but I've looked into counseling.

So regarding Himself: it's nice that he's got this "not anymore" attitude. And at the same time, who knows how it will turn out? It could be that in five years I'll be like, "...and that's when he stopped drinking! So glad we weathered it through!" And it could also happen that he comes home drunk tonight, and I'll be like, "Why did I give up that apartment?" But that's entirely up to him so it's not worth worrying about.

But if it's something like the latter situation and I do decide to move out later, there will be other apartments. And anyway it would make more sense to talk to someone and sort out my finances, transport, etc., instead of just jumping on the first place available.

So that's me.
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