I need help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Manchester, Ct
Posts: 2
I need help.
Im 21 and dont have a drinking problem, It's my mother a friend suggested me to try a fourm online and see if I can get any ideas of how to get her to see that I cant sit around forever and watch her drink herself to death. Shes a diabetic, and drinks from 6am until she passes out. I don't know how to get her to stop. Shes tearing apart my family, I just need some answers! please.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Welcome! I am so sorry for what you're going through. **{hugs}}
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can really do to make her see the light--that's something all of us have had to learn the hard way. She has to be ready, and accept her disease, and really want to recover.
There is a lot of good reading material on this site, in the "sticky" section....I'm not familiar with the specifics of having an alcoholic parent--it was my ex boyfriend who was the alcoholic in MY life--but there are many similarities among us all and what we've gone thru as a result of this horrible disease.
My suggestion would be to read the stickies, and try to find an al-anon meeting in your area. I have been to 2 meetings so far, and I can already tell, it is starting to help me so much. It helps to be around people who know exactly what you are going through.
Stick around...I'm sure more will reply soon...
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can really do to make her see the light--that's something all of us have had to learn the hard way. She has to be ready, and accept her disease, and really want to recover.
There is a lot of good reading material on this site, in the "sticky" section....I'm not familiar with the specifics of having an alcoholic parent--it was my ex boyfriend who was the alcoholic in MY life--but there are many similarities among us all and what we've gone thru as a result of this horrible disease.
My suggestion would be to read the stickies, and try to find an al-anon meeting in your area. I have been to 2 meetings so far, and I can already tell, it is starting to help me so much. It helps to be around people who know exactly what you are going through.
Stick around...I'm sure more will reply soon...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Manchester, Ct
Posts: 2
Shes so abusive mentally. She attacks for no reason. She has no one left and just last night she had my step dad and his brother arrested because she flipped out on them when they got home and they were drinking but not like her. My step dad drinks but only a beer or two. He doesn't go overboard. The cops took her side, she told them she felt threatened. She hides being drunk very well at times. I can't take it. I dont know what to do. Shes pushing all of us away.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I understand...many of us have unfortunately been on the receiving end of an abusive drunk.
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend 3 months ago when he had a drunken temper tantrum on his birthday weekend. He, too, attacked me for no reason. He screamed at me, threw things at me, called me names...for about 2 hrs. Thank god he packed up his stuff and got out so I didn't have to do it for him.
We have not been back together since that incident. I can't even believe I told him AFTER that, that if he'd give up drinking and go to counseling with me, I would stay. Of course, he said no, he would not give up drinking for me. That is typical. They make us feel like we're not worth changing for, but you know what? we're not the ones with the problem -- they are.
My question is, do you live with your mother?
Just because she is your mother does not mean you have to tolerate abuse. No one should stay in an abusive situation. Do you have somewhere else you can go?
The one thing that we can do, as people affected by alcoholism, is to get away from it...to not enable the alcoholic. To make them experience the consequences of their drinking. If we stay in the craziness of an environment where there is alcoholism, we not only lose little pieces of our soul...we give the alcoholic passive approval to continue thinking that what they're doing is ok...to maintain the delusion that their life is "normal." (see, it must not be THAT bad, I still have my husband!...or kids...or job...etc.)
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend 3 months ago when he had a drunken temper tantrum on his birthday weekend. He, too, attacked me for no reason. He screamed at me, threw things at me, called me names...for about 2 hrs. Thank god he packed up his stuff and got out so I didn't have to do it for him.
We have not been back together since that incident. I can't even believe I told him AFTER that, that if he'd give up drinking and go to counseling with me, I would stay. Of course, he said no, he would not give up drinking for me. That is typical. They make us feel like we're not worth changing for, but you know what? we're not the ones with the problem -- they are.
My question is, do you live with your mother?
Just because she is your mother does not mean you have to tolerate abuse. No one should stay in an abusive situation. Do you have somewhere else you can go?
The one thing that we can do, as people affected by alcoholism, is to get away from it...to not enable the alcoholic. To make them experience the consequences of their drinking. If we stay in the craziness of an environment where there is alcoholism, we not only lose little pieces of our soul...we give the alcoholic passive approval to continue thinking that what they're doing is ok...to maintain the delusion that their life is "normal." (see, it must not be THAT bad, I still have my husband!...or kids...or job...etc.)
Originally Posted by fallingxx3 
Shes so abusive mentally. She attacks for no reason. She has no one left and just last night she had my step dad and his brother arrested because she flipped out on them when they got home and they were drinking but not like her. My step dad drinks but only a beer or two. He doesn't go overboard. The cops took her side, she told them she felt threatened. She hides being drunk very well at times. I can't take it. I dont know what to do. Shes pushing all of us away.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome to SR, fallingxx3.
I am so sorry that the best I can offer you is: she has to make the decision to not drink and start working on her recovery on her own. No amount of pleading, begging, factual or other discussion with her is likely to make her decide to change until she's ready to change.
My story is different in that I'm recovering from a relationship with STBXAH (soon to be ex alcoholic husband) who was emotionally abusive. So I'm not sure too many of my stories will translate to something that will help you.... But I do know that nothing I said to him about his drinking, about our relationship, our life, no threats that I'd leave him and take our young son with me, actually leaving him, nothing I've said or done has gotten him to start working on recovery. He'll have to reach his bottom (if he ever does) before he's ready to do that.
Please know though that you are in the right place. There are so many supportive shoulders here to lean on. Keep reading and posting. You might want to check out threads in the Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents for additional insights, but I think there is a lot of... cross-over (for lack of a better word) between the 2. Others will definitely be around soon to offer their support.
Hang in there. If you live at home and have some where else to go for a quiet, safe and turmoil-free night or weekend, definitely do so.
I am so sorry that the best I can offer you is: she has to make the decision to not drink and start working on her recovery on her own. No amount of pleading, begging, factual or other discussion with her is likely to make her decide to change until she's ready to change.
My story is different in that I'm recovering from a relationship with STBXAH (soon to be ex alcoholic husband) who was emotionally abusive. So I'm not sure too many of my stories will translate to something that will help you.... But I do know that nothing I said to him about his drinking, about our relationship, our life, no threats that I'd leave him and take our young son with me, actually leaving him, nothing I've said or done has gotten him to start working on recovery. He'll have to reach his bottom (if he ever does) before he's ready to do that.
Please know though that you are in the right place. There are so many supportive shoulders here to lean on. Keep reading and posting. You might want to check out threads in the Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents for additional insights, but I think there is a lot of... cross-over (for lack of a better word) between the 2. Others will definitely be around soon to offer their support.
Hang in there. If you live at home and have some where else to go for a quiet, safe and turmoil-free night or weekend, definitely do so.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
We are glad you found us. You will find support for yourself and lots of information.
Have you heard of Alanon meetings? They are face-to-face group support meetings for friends and family of alcoholics. It is a 12 step program that uses the same 12 steps as AA meetings. Alanon is an option for you as a 21 y.o. with an alcoholic parent.
You can also make yourself at home here by posting your questions and concerns.
I am sorry that you had to witness the drama of police being summoned. I know it must have been very frustrating to see the police side with your mother. Your mom was doing what most active alcoholics are skilled at doing: manipulating. Unfortunately, the police officer was doing the best he could on the information provided.
Please continue to reach out for support for yourself. You are not alone!
This is from one of our sticky posts (permanent posts) at the top of the forum:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
We are glad you found us. You will find support for yourself and lots of information.
Have you heard of Alanon meetings? They are face-to-face group support meetings for friends and family of alcoholics. It is a 12 step program that uses the same 12 steps as AA meetings. Alanon is an option for you as a 21 y.o. with an alcoholic parent.
You can also make yourself at home here by posting your questions and concerns.
I am sorry that you had to witness the drama of police being summoned. I know it must have been very frustrating to see the police side with your mother. Your mom was doing what most active alcoholics are skilled at doing: manipulating. Unfortunately, the police officer was doing the best he could on the information provided.
Please continue to reach out for support for yourself. You are not alone!
This is from one of our sticky posts (permanent posts) at the top of the forum:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
fallingxx3,
You're not alone. Many of us are struggling with very similar situations.
I'm just as new here myself and it's a great outlet. Keep posting and keep reading. You'll find many shards of information that can not only help you now but will stabilize for the future.
You're not alone. Many of us are struggling with very similar situations.
I'm just as new here myself and it's a great outlet. Keep posting and keep reading. You'll find many shards of information that can not only help you now but will stabilize for the future.
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