Shellcrusher

I've seen many posts about anger lately. I have something that always helped me. Instead of worrying if I forgot to respond to a post, I'll just leave this here and let you guys do the rest.

My self proclaimed optimistic pessimism has taught me many things, if only backwards or in a different way.

So here's the deal.

Anger in it's raw, uncontrolled, unrefined state is no different than a chunk of coal. Dirty and not very strong. Take that coal and toss it at a wall and see what happens. It breaks into many small pieces and leaves a dark smudge. There's nothing beneficial there and I'm not a fan.

Take a step back. Feel that anger. Feel the heat. Let the pressure build but don't let it overwhelm. Refine it. Control it and direct it in a better way, like Yoga or whatever you like to do. Harness that energy into something else.

Keep it up and you will have something very powerful inside of you. Something very strong. Just like that coal, if given enough time, pressure, heat and refining, it will turn into a Diamond. Something beautiful. Something that takes in light and gives it back in many different colors. Something hard and timeless. it's something everyone wants, it's worth alot and it makes you feel good.

I feel angry, I see darkness. My face turns red and I feel hot. Finally, I feel hardened and strong and I see diamonds. I feel better.

That may be corny but it's something I've thought about since I was a youngster with a short fuse and it helps.

HealingWillCome

I like what you've said here. I'm starting to learn a lot about myself and the way I suppress anger in my significant relationships, because I hate to rock the boat. I grew pleasing people, part of the residue of abandonment by an AF. You know, if you please people, they'll like you and not reject you in any way...that's one of the ways my very young little mind learned to deal with abandonment.

So, in working on my abandonment issues, I have been doing a lot of reading. What you say here about using anger to create positive and beautiful things reminds me of something I read recently.

In abandonment grief, which has its unique characteristics, we go through stages of interalizing our anger (blaming ourselves for what has happened) but then we go through stages of turning our anger into useful energy...energy that helps us to fight for something to be gained as opposed to hanging on to something that we have lost.

This was a pretty important concept for me to latch on to and learn to make use of. My counselor had been saying to me, "I wish you would just get angry with (XABF)." I was giving him so much emotional power by not letting myself feel angry. But when I learned that I could use the anger to FIGHT for something to be GAINED, it was like a lightbulb went on. No more hiding anger to please others is pretty empowering.

Your "coal into diamonds" philosophy is the same idea. Pretty cool and amazing that you were able to process this and create this for yourself as a kid.

LaTeeDa

Shellcrusher,

I love this post. I believe all our emotions have a place as part of our humanity. Even the so-called "negative" ones. And, I also believe that it's what we do with them that makes all the difference. Your post illustrates this beautifully.

I hope you will forgive me for dragging a question from the other thread over here in order to answer it.

I've been angry at both. And much more.

Angry at him for:
being verbally abusive
breaking promises and lying
neglecting his role as a partner and father

Angry at the disease for:
Consuming his good qualities
Turning him into someone I didn't even know
Stealing my kids dad from them

Angry at myself for:
Depending on him
Expecting him to see things my way
Trusting him
Staying longer than a rational person would

I don't carry the anger around with me any more. It doesn't consume me or color my life. (There was a time that it did.) But, still every once in a while, I'm reminded of something and it brings the anger back. Or, more accurately, a new feeling of anger washes over me. And that's how I see it. Like waves washing over me. As long as I keep my balance, it doesn't wash me away. It comes and goes, just like a wave. I can't stop the wave with all the logic and common sense in the world. I can only hang on, knowing it will pass. And then I get on with living my life, knowing other waves will eventually come, and they will also pass.

L

Shellcrusher

I shared it specifically for those questions from other people and also a reminder to myself. It seems to be very common amongst us.

theuncertainty

Thanks to each of you for sharing on this topic. LaTeeDa, I could have written your 3 angry-at sections, though, at this point, probably not as concisely or without any **$@.

I've gone back and forth, and back and forth, at being angry at STBXAH and myself for what we've been through, to not believing that it really happened, to forgetting STBXAH's actions and dwelling only on my faults... To being truly terrified at how angry I finally got when I acknowledged everything.

All three theories/methods (anger as diamonds, anger as useful energy and anger as waves that can be survived) are tools that I will attempt to remember and use as needed. In fact I will print out this thread for my recovery notebook.

Thank you again.