TakingCharge999

I did not read the replies of my other thread - feeling too low and vulnerable at the moment. I will get to them when I feel stronger and receptive to feedback. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read/post.

BF disrespected me a lot the other night.
I have felt really bad since then.
I feel I failed myself choosing this guy.

Also it is dawning on me I am a woman. I am NOT supposed to be the main provider of everything.

Another discovery I made is that I really owe peace to myself.

I don't need extra stress beside my job.

Yesterday i went to a friend's house. I stayed until 10pm. Have told that to BF. Well when we woke up today he woke up yelling at me asking me if i didn't care about "us" anymore.

I had an important training at 9 and it was getting late. He as saying I cared more about other stuff than him. Well... YES? I need my job?? duh..

I am not waking up to be yelled at as if I had done something horrible.
I am looking at housing options again. I will see a house for rent in 3 hours. I told that to BF and he got angry and said that HE was leaving. I said fine...


All throughout today he kept calling and calling me making my day more stressful. He KNOWS I'm busy and that I don't want to be called - already in other calls- arghhhhh-

A friend is getting divorced -I was thinking on renting a room on her house but - she is pregnant and already has 2 dogs, no space for my cats.

Today I talked to a coworker and he said he and another were looking for a roomie - again on the house where I moved in with XABF - and they don't have a problem with my 2 cats. Its spacious,silent,cheap and I got to park my car inside. Those guys are geeks, there are no parties, no nothing. I can't believe THAT is my best option

Current apt- living there alone may be a good option but moneywise it would suck, football matches last ALL afternoon (sometimes they also start at 12 30 AM in the night), Sat, Sun, and now that there is rain sometimes they can't play - so they prefer to PARTY. Its been unbearable lately. Nothing like a stressful IT day to spend the rest of your day hearing guys and men shouting and swearing and whistles - I swear if I hear whistling again -


I feel like a failure and very vulnerable. I am almost crying at work.

sandrawg

First off, making a bad choice of a bf does not make you a failure. It just means you made a mistake - a mistake you are gradually starting to realize and rectify. You're human.

Secondly, why does this choice seem so bad??? It's GOTTA be better than living with an alcoholic who verbally abuses you and disrespects your boundaries.

TakingCharge999

Thanks sandra. BTW I got the same name...
He is not an alcoholic.
I mean, just for the ones (like me) who originally thought alcohol was the problem.
Nope, there are also selfish jerks who can be like that without drinking.

cpoirier

You always have a choice.

Connect to your higher power.

Forgive yourself for being human and having all these messy emotions.

Take care of yourself FIRST, then from that place you can serve others. But not until you are handled.

Be safe. Get support! Help is out there!

Blessings,
C

TakingCharge999

anvilhead

doesn't it make me a total loser to go back to the house that has memories of XABF? if BF somehow gets his act together in a hundred years wouldn't it be weird to invite him there? oh well who cares about them right.it would be great to enjoy that house. I always LOVED that house. its funny I may end up there in the same place ONLY WITHOUT PPL ABUSING ME...

good for me the room we had is used by my coworker so I would have the room that I previously used to sleep in, away from XABF.

this coworker also told me XABF uses to bring his rabbit there. i could train my cats to chase it... lol, poor rabbit though.... i dunno it still seems like raising the dead again... although it could also be great for me to go there and enjoy it and transform the energy there and make it mine and make my room a happy place.

I asked my coworker to tell the other guy and see his opinion, he says he is SURE he will be ok, they want to share the expenses and know I am also a tired geek looking for tranquility.

OK just talked with the lady that rents the home I'll see later...there are ppl interested in using the place as an office ............. BF messaged me saying he really cares abt me and needs to talk to me......... I won't buy his lies anymore. He has done the same over and over, when I asked him why I was going to believe him this time he said "this time I am serious I was not being serious before" right. And I am a stupid doll to toy with.

I am starting to feel angry. Good. I prefer angry than sad.

TakingCharge999

That house also has a small garden im sure my cats would enjoy..

TakingCharge999

If one wants to go NC living in a house shared with an XABF doesnt make much sense.

MissFixit

does ex still live in that house?

TakingCharge999

Honestly, anvilhead. How the hell am I going to keep my sanity 8 hours with XABF at work then going "home" and knowing he f***** his gf in the same place? that is why I can't believe that place is my best option

No gladly XABF moved out (or was kicked out) some months ago. And his drunken friend of all time who used to be our roomie, is no longer there anymore.

TakingCharge999

Can someone please let me know I have hope and there is peace for me somewhere? thanks.

Gosh I have done so great sometimes. Now all the stress hits me like a ton of bricks again as if it we were in 2009.

At least I learned a tool: breathe and take time, don't take rushed decisions... one thing at a time... ok back to work i'll check back later......

MissFixit

I think you need to breath for your own health and stress level.

Do you want to cry it out? Scream, punch, run?

If you need a place asap, this one is there. Is it the best option, I don't know?

If you are looking at a strategic permanent move, then how do you get there?

Do you want instant relief or permanent relief? They are different paths.