nodaybut2day

I thought I'd properly set my filters at work to block XAH's emails. I obviously didn't do it properly. I noticed an unread email in my "Spam" box this afternoon.

"Re: Dd's birthday

I would really like to see my daughter this weekend. Please let me know if there is a way we can work this out Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile."

I'm wondering what to respond. I already have a birthday party planned on Saturday with many friends and family, and the new guy I'm seeing will be there. Obviously not an appropriate situation for XAH to show up. I doubt he will though. I assume he wants me to drive DD to wherever so he can see "his daughter" on her birthday.

And yes, I noticed how he managed to insert his ownership in that short message, all the while couching his request in a grovelling/polite sort of language.

DD hasn't seen his man in over a month. I doubt she'll remember him. I'm really not looking forward to having to reintroduce her to him, only to have him disappear a few weeks later...and then reappear a few months after that, and so on and so forth. It seems cruel.

Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that this is just a ploy to reinsert himself back into our lives, to get around my decree that DD is not to go visit him until I inspect his new apartment, find out who he is living with/if this person will be around when my child is there, and deem that a) he is not intoxicated and b) she feels comfortable.

I have sole custody. I could decide not to respond, and I believe it would be ok legally. He could go through the courts, but I don't think he will. He never did show up for the custody or divorce hearing (pesky old criminal record). I guess this is just a question of karma...would I feel ok to explain to DD when she is older that I didn't respond to her bio-dad's request to see her when she was 2?

This isn't a life-threatening question, but I'd appreciate the wisdom that SR has always had to offer me.

suki44883

Yeah, he may be a jerk and yeah he may not be the greatest father in the world, but still, I believe he has a right to see his daughter on her birthday. I'd go ahead and let him know about the party and tell him he can stop by if he wants to. You'll have plenty of backup there so it shouldn't be a huge deal. If he wants to see her on Sunday instead, then tell him he'll have to do the traveling. You can be firm while at the same time allowing him to see her. Just my opinion.

LaTeeDa

I agree that if he really wants to see her, he will make the effort. So, I would respond that there is a party planned on Saturday, what did you have in mind? Let him figure out how to get to her, not you figuring out how to get her to him.

L

Thumper

If it were me, I wouldn't want him at the party. To much stress and pressure.

I wouldn't keep them apart on purpose though. I might reply with something like "There are already plans on Saturday but she'll be at xyz park on Sunday from 1pm-3pm if you want to come there and see her."

Only if you don't mind going to the park on Sunday though Something like that would be the route I'd go.

I'm assuming you don't want him to actually take her anywhere without you or have him at your house. If you don't mind those two things you could just say we'll be home at <insert time and day you'll be home for sure> if you want to stop by and pick her up.

mrphillipctrs1

I would let him come see his daughter on her birthday. I too believe there a strength in numbers. It will provide him with a reality moment.

nodaybut2day

a) he doesn't have a car, so he would have to take the subway to come get her, and seeing as I live "at the other end of the world" (i.e. about 1 hour of bus + subway away from him), he has only come to visit her at my place once, gripping the entire time.

b) he would never come to see her while my parents/family were around. He despises them all...and his ego is too big to allow him to come in their presence.

c) the last time he saw her was May 22, at which point he returned her to me starving and soaked in pee from a diaper unchanged after 5 hours. The previous visit of April 25 had her returned to me covered in dried blood from when she "fell on the playground". I'm understandably apprehensive about letting him see her unsupervised in any way.

*pout* I was hoping to dodge this bullet altogether. Guess HP is testing my resolve.

suki44883

Believe me, noday, I understand exactly how you are feeling. My daughter's father was, is and always will be a first class jerk. I absolutely hated that he had visitation rights with her and as she got a little older, she didn't like going to visit him because they just had nothing in common. However, as long as he treats her well and wants to see her, I think it's important that he be allowed to. He may only show up sporatically, but he is still her father and I think they should be allowed to develop a relationship. That doessn't mean you should go out of your way to accommodate him, but if he wants to see his daughter, I feel he should be allowed to. Having him come to the party (if he decides to) would be easier for everyone, in my opinion. You wouldn't have to deal with him one-on-one and like I said, you would have backup and other people to divert your daughter's attention if anything ugly should occur. Like I said, I've been through it and I'm just sharing my own experience and opinion with you.

suki44883

a) he doesn't have a car, so he would have to take the subway to come get her, and seeing as I live "at the other end of the world" (i.e. about 1 hour of bus + subway away from him), he has only come to visit her at my place once, gripping the entire time. Oh well, too bad so sad. If he wants to see her, he'll do it.

b) he would never come to see her while my parents/family were around. He despises them all...and his ego is too big to allow him to come in their presence. His choice.

c) the last time he saw her was May 22, at which point he returned her to me starving and soaked in pee from a diaper unchanged after 5 hours. The previous visit of April 25 had her returned to me covered in dried blood from when she "fell on the playground". I'm understandably apprehensive about letting him see her unsupervised in any way. But he won't be seeing her alone and there will be many other people around.

nodaybut2day

LOL Anvil, I was waiting for your response.

Seriously though, will you adopt me??

I've asked a good friend, also in the midst of a nasty divorce with an abusive X to be my buddy for Sunday, in case he thinks he's going to talk to me or anything.

In all likelihood, the exchange will go something like this:

Me: "You can see her Sunday, from 12h00 to 15h30, at the kiddy park around the corner from my house".

Him: "You controlling b*tch! How DARE you tell ME where and when I can see MY child, fruit of MY loins! You were NEVER willing to compromise and if you think I'm going to haul my precious @ss out to butt friggin nowhere just to hang out in some park for a few hours while I WATCH DD play and ignore me, you've got another thing coming! I'll make sure to tell DD when she's older that you cut her poor father out of her life and THEN you'll have to answer to your own daughter!!!" (said with fist shaken in the air ever so dramatically).

Aaaah, I can smell the drama now.

sandrawg

Wait, wait...I'm a little confused here.

I see everyone saying "he should be allowed to see his daughter."

Hold on a second...isn't he an alcoholic?? Don't you guys usually give the advice that children are better kept away from alcoholics??

My opinion is, you put on a filter so you wouldn't have to hear from him again...obviously if you set up the filter to delete the emails, then you shouldn't be checking your deleted items folder. I'd pretend like I never even saw it, if it were me.

But if you agree that she SHOULD see him, then it should be on YOUR terms.

Look at it this way-he's the one who is compromising the relationship by living in his disease and not getting help. I'm wondering, how many ultimatums did you give him, to stop drinking or you were gonna remove yourself and your DD from his life???

He's the one making the choice to cut you guys out, not you.

I would under no circumstances take my child to an active alcoholic's house and leave her there, whether it's her father or not.

LaTeeDa

I agree again. This is the first of many birthdays. (Not to mention school activities, ceremonies, special events, etc.) If he wants to be a part of her life, he needs to learn to deal with it. I assume your parents will be in her life, so too bad for him if he doesn't like them. In my mind, this is more than 'just a birthday party,' it's a precedent. Time for him to step up and deal with being a divorced parent.

My daughter recently graduated high school. My parents traveled a long distance to be here for it. My sister came, too. We had a bbq in my back yard to celebrate. The guy I am dating was here. I invited the ex, even though it made me uncomfortable, and probably made my parents and sister a little uncomfortable, too. It was for my daughter and we adults just had to get over it.

This is just the first of many uncomfortable situations to come. But, it's not about doing what's most comfortable for the parents, it's about what's best for the child. Inviting her father to her birthday party is best for her, IMHO. If he can't put aside his selfishness and inconvenience to come, that's his problem.

L

Evey2010

Don't get sucked into the drama. If he wanted some say in when and where he could see her, he has rights he could fight for. I don't know your situation, but I do know that it's not all that difficult for fathers (and mothers) to get at least partial custody of their children. If it were me, I'd just say "if that's how you really feel, plead your case to the court."

nodaybut2day

Yes, but sadly, because alcohol isn't an illegal substance, it's hard to keep a child away from an alkie parent. Here in Canada, they're so pro-father's right that XAH would have to be a convicted sex offender to warrant ordering supervised visitation.

HOWEVER,

I was granted sole custody and discretion over visitation on May 30th. He doesn't know this because he never deemed it necessary to show up in court. Considering this, I can dictate how safe it is for DD to spend time with XAH, which is why I refuse to let her go to his house because I don't know the conditions there (last i heard, he was rooming with an alkie buddy).

In our last communication, I laid down the law. XAH b*tched and moaned about how unfair it was, and then slinked away.

I was considering this as well...

hello-kitty

When my ex USED to call to see his son (he hasn't attempted any contact in 3-4 months now) I used to pretend I didn't see the first text/phone message for a day or two. And then I'd wait at least 24 hours to respond to any subsequent efforts.

Usually his attempts to contact us dried up well before then.

And my inclination to acknowledge the fact that he is my son's father dried up too.

smacked

Stop checking your SPAM folder! That's where tons of "blocked" emails can end up.

You wouldn't have seen it, if you hadn't have checked it.. so pretend you didn't. Or if your concience is preventing you from being that dishonest, I agree with telling him about the party, leave the rest up to him. (we ALL know he will NOT make her a priority and actually show up.. ).

nodaybut2day

This morning, I accidentally-on-purpose pressed that magic DELETE button and suddenly, I feel *tremendously* better. Imagine that?

(I still want you to adopt me though Anvil :p )

I've decided to wait to see if he calls the 3 numbers he knows he can reach me at. Texting something on a Blackberry is far easier than calling me on the phone and having the guts to request something especially after having crapped all over me for 5 years. We'll see what happens. DD's birthday is actually on Monday.

hello-kitty

IMO, that is an awesome plan. Having a plan helps me. Boundaries for myself ya know...

nodaybut2day

I thought I could escape this, but sadly, it wasn't to be.

Today is officially DD's birthday. I get a call from my father on my cell saying that XAH called at our place and asked to speak to me. When informed that I was at work, he seemed surprised. I get back to my desk from lunch to find a nasty voicemail message from him, saying that a) *I* have a large amount owing to Blockbuster (i.e. he's been using my account and racking up a large bill and now BB wants the owner of the account--me, to pay up), and b) to wish HIS daughter happy birthday.

That's fine. Just him being his usual self.

Then I contact my father thinking I'd calm his nerves and tell him not to worry, but upon speaking with him, I find that XAH also left a voicemail message on our home voicemail saying:
a) Hi, I hope you're aware that I want to see my child on her birthday, and
b) You're on my list now (i.e. the list of people he's going to kill--he used to always talk about this a lot when I was still with him).

My dad was REALLY upset and talked about calling him back to egg him on. Poor dad.

Ugh, I just hate that I can't really DO anything about this. I can't call the police about this crap. It's not an overt threat. It's just a little flip of the bird, walking that fine line, meant to upset and scare a little. And on top of that, he doesn't actually say when/how he wants to see DD, he just rants about wanting to do so.

And now *I'm* supposed to call him back to find out what he wants?! Yah right. Fat chance.

I know XAH is being triggered by the fact that today is officially DD's birthday, BUT I'm also wondering if DSS finally told him that he's not coming back to live with him, and this is why XAH is being more of a "/$%?&*. Usually when things aren't going well for him, he drinks and then harasses his exes more.

Anyhow. This isn't overly dramatic. I've managed to get myself under control in record time and figure out a plan if XAH does show up at my work to threaten or yell at me.

keepinon

Pleas save the voice mssge.that is scary and even (veiled)threats like that add up with the police. sorry u r going thru this..yuck!

Jadmack25

The thing that scares me is, that one day this "ranting and raving do nothing", may actually get off his arse and do something.....and it won't be for anyone's good.

He waffled on, and threatened all sorts prior to court....then was a no show.
Everything he squarks about, and demands re DD, is only if you do the hard work and deliver her to him, otherwise it is too much for him to come see or get her. What a father he has shown himself to be.....what a loud mouthed jerk.

I hope you have informed BB that he, not you is hiring movies and they can dun him for the money.....over here a pal put a notice in the papers, saying she was not responsible for any debts incurred by her separated husband, and he was not authorised to use her name to gain any benefit, financial or otherwise.

I would keep a record of his comments and threats and hold on to voice mail or txt messages, and if they get nasty...I would hand them to cops for action.