Please welcome MusicIslove82
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 29
Please welcome MusicIslove82
Hi. I am new here. Very first response and all. I've been searching this board for a while.
I'm going through the whole "no contact" thing. I have not hardly heard a word from him for almost 2 weeks.
Maybe this is a well over-due "goodbye" for us. We first met over 3 years ago,and became reconnected in Dec of this last year via facebook. I decided I wanted to be friends,because I of course cared and loved this man. So we started hanging out. He was in the middle of wanting to recieve help.(Not only is he an alcoholic he also has mental problems.)
Well things slowly progressed and we were "together" I was being called his girlfriend,he was mine. He even took me home to meet his family! Through it all he drank however..
Well,a few months back,things came crashing down. He admitted to me he had a "Crush" on another girl.(This is a girl that he BARELY knows,besides facebook,and his best friend dated her) I was crushed,so things were said,and I left.
The next day he calls me,and tells me he still has things to work on in himself.(He was married for 8 years,and still had unresolved issues) He said it had nothing to do with me,so we decided to be friends. He admitted to me he loved me,and cared a lot for me.
Yeah,all the time I'm loving him. I stayed with him in an appartment that was so unhealthy. He had no bed,I got EATEN ALIVE by bedbugs,but the whole time I stayed and I loved him. I made sure he had things to eat,I held him while he was sad. We,I guess lived almost as a couple did.
A month or so ago(with my insisting and telling him he could do better) he moved into an appartment. I even helped him move.
Now it gets even more tricky..He is now living next to his supposed "Crush". I've met her,and we've talked,and we became friends. She is still very much in love with his best friend. He is moving back into town.
My "Ex" and I continued to see one another,and I would stay the night with him. I forgot to mention in all of this,that he is of course emotionally abusive towards me. He can treat me like a child sometimes.
Anyways,a few weeks back his grandma died. I was heart broken and tried to help. Instead,he tells me he doesn't think he was ever in love with me,and that my HEALTH PROBLEM(I have Ovarian Cysts,and Polyps in my colon) bothered him! I was floored.
I am so very hurt. He is pushing me away I suppose. I guess now that he lives next to her,he wants to pursue her. I did everything in the world for this man,and now nothing. He posts on his Facebook as if he is as happy as ever.
I don't know how to handle all of this. I've read stories on here like mine,and here I am. I'm sorry if I don't make much sense,it's hard to write and cry at the same time.
I'm going through the whole "no contact" thing. I have not hardly heard a word from him for almost 2 weeks.
Maybe this is a well over-due "goodbye" for us. We first met over 3 years ago,and became reconnected in Dec of this last year via facebook. I decided I wanted to be friends,because I of course cared and loved this man. So we started hanging out. He was in the middle of wanting to recieve help.(Not only is he an alcoholic he also has mental problems.)
Well things slowly progressed and we were "together" I was being called his girlfriend,he was mine. He even took me home to meet his family! Through it all he drank however..
Well,a few months back,things came crashing down. He admitted to me he had a "Crush" on another girl.(This is a girl that he BARELY knows,besides facebook,and his best friend dated her) I was crushed,so things were said,and I left.
The next day he calls me,and tells me he still has things to work on in himself.(He was married for 8 years,and still had unresolved issues) He said it had nothing to do with me,so we decided to be friends. He admitted to me he loved me,and cared a lot for me.
Yeah,all the time I'm loving him. I stayed with him in an appartment that was so unhealthy. He had no bed,I got EATEN ALIVE by bedbugs,but the whole time I stayed and I loved him. I made sure he had things to eat,I held him while he was sad. We,I guess lived almost as a couple did.
A month or so ago(with my insisting and telling him he could do better) he moved into an appartment. I even helped him move.
Now it gets even more tricky..He is now living next to his supposed "Crush". I've met her,and we've talked,and we became friends. She is still very much in love with his best friend. He is moving back into town.
My "Ex" and I continued to see one another,and I would stay the night with him. I forgot to mention in all of this,that he is of course emotionally abusive towards me. He can treat me like a child sometimes.
Anyways,a few weeks back his grandma died. I was heart broken and tried to help. Instead,he tells me he doesn't think he was ever in love with me,and that my HEALTH PROBLEM(I have Ovarian Cysts,and Polyps in my colon) bothered him! I was floored.
I am so very hurt. He is pushing me away I suppose. I guess now that he lives next to her,he wants to pursue her. I did everything in the world for this man,and now nothing. He posts on his Facebook as if he is as happy as ever.
I don't know how to handle all of this. I've read stories on here like mine,and here I am. I'm sorry if I don't make much sense,it's hard to write and cry at the same time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there MusicIsLove, and welcome to SoberRecovery 
I am sorry you are going thru so much pain. Addiction does that to people, it turns them into hurtful people and it ruins relationships. That's what it did to my marriage.
Oh goodness nobody does. That's why there's places like this, and therapists, and meetins of self-help groups, and tons of books in the self-help section of the bookstores. Take a little time to read thru the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum, there's a lot of wonderful information there. Also check out meetings of al-anon, they're the experts at helping us deal with loving someone who is addicted to alcohol. You can find them in your local phone book or here
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
No worries. We've all done plenty of crying. In real life meetings of al-anon they even have boxes of tissue, so don't worry, we have all felt much the same way.
Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us. You'll find a lot of kind and wise people here who will show you how they survived the insanity of a loved one's addiction.
Mike
I am sorry you are going thru so much pain. Addiction does that to people, it turns them into hurtful people and it ruins relationships. That's what it did to my marriage.
Originally Posted by MusicIslove82 
.... I don't know how to handle all of this..... .
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Originally Posted by MusicIslove82
.... I'm sorry if I don't make much sense,it's hard to write and cry at the same time..... .
Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us. You'll find a lot of kind and wise people here who will show you how they survived the insanity of a loved one's addiction.
Mike
Welcome! Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome to SR, MusicIsLove82. Keep reading and posting. SR and all the wonderfully supportive people here have helped me come to the realization that I'm not completely alone in dealing with alcoholism and that I do deserve to be treated better than my STBXAH is willing to or capable of treating me.
Be gentle with yourself.
Welcome.
Be gentle with yourself.
Welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 29
Thank you all for the greetings and the support. I'm glad I joined,because I DO realize I'm not alone in this. I'm having such a rough time in NOT contacted him. He became my best friend,and not talking to him at all is rough. Maybe I should crack first and write him? Or do I wait for him?
I will definitely make sure to read more on the site,and post on the forum.
Thank you all so much.
I will definitely make sure to read more on the site,and post on the forum.
Thank you all so much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 29
Thank you,Anvil.
It just feels like a slap in the face,and a kick in the heart to think that he used me. He even wasted his time in having me meet his family. I read your other post on codependancy,and I see those things in me. I am going to focus on that. I just have a feeling once I am happy with myself,that he will be back. The question is:Will I be willing to let him back in my life?
It just feels like a slap in the face,and a kick in the heart to think that he used me. He even wasted his time in having me meet his family. I read your other post on codependancy,and I see those things in me. I am going to focus on that. I just have a feeling once I am happy with myself,that he will be back. The question is:Will I be willing to let him back in my life?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Welcome, Music.
If you offered a youngster a piece of chocolate cake and he took it, then you had a cake sitting on the counter and said he was welcome to it, then kept your doors open and told him he was always invited....would it be that he used you for the cake, or he just took what was made available?
I know people who are takers, do use others. Not ok. But sometimes we, in our desire to be loving and helpful, offer too much and then later feel taken advantage of.
People cannot take without our permission.
I'm sorry you're hurting. It really sucks.
If you offered a youngster a piece of chocolate cake and he took it, then you had a cake sitting on the counter and said he was welcome to it, then kept your doors open and told him he was always invited....would it be that he used you for the cake, or he just took what was made available?
I know people who are takers, do use others. Not ok. But sometimes we, in our desire to be loving and helpful, offer too much and then later feel taken advantage of.
People cannot take without our permission.
I'm sorry you're hurting. It really sucks.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I agree with Anvil but need to add that it takes some time to get to that point where we are free of our old issues.
I recommend assuming he WILL be back-as soon as you no longer want him and are working on yourself. Expect it. And expect to WANT to believe that this time things will be different.
You're the only person who can create boundaries with him. Trust me, I've been going back and forth with my AH for nearly 6 years. We've seperated three times, he dumps me treats me like garbage, I leave and become independent and then he comes around all charming and promising. Just when I thought I was strong enough to say no.
We have children and property together, so that make NC more difficult, but honestly no contact is the way to go to get your head together and see things clearly.
Good Luck
I recommend assuming he WILL be back-as soon as you no longer want him and are working on yourself. Expect it. And expect to WANT to believe that this time things will be different.
You're the only person who can create boundaries with him. Trust me, I've been going back and forth with my AH for nearly 6 years. We've seperated three times, he dumps me treats me like garbage, I leave and become independent and then he comes around all charming and promising. Just when I thought I was strong enough to say no.
We have children and property together, so that make NC more difficult, but honestly no contact is the way to go to get your head together and see things clearly.
Good Luck
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