my mouth dropped....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: new jersey
Posts: 15
my mouth dropped....
i stand there like a fool....with no comeback. which is why i'm still living this life....
so, after my AH's last rehab stint in february (which lasted all of 2 weeks after the fact), he still has no job & lives on unemployment while i work full-time from home (which would be ideal--if my home was not an alcoholic, crazy, dysfunctional home).
ok, so we are totally struggling with money. he, of course, is trying not to drink--again.
so i hear him on the phone & he's talking about spending $60---on WEED!
he gets off the phone & i say, "are you kidding me??! we need to pay our mortgage & utilities & get some food in the house for the kids!" and he just rolls his eyes and yells back "you know this is the only thing that stops me from drinking & i don't want to drink so don't start a fight w/ me or it'll be YOUR fault!".
now, i'm not a wimp, but i've learned in the past (because i don't hold back what i'm feeling at the moment & it can get me in trouble), so i don't say anything....which makes me BURN inside!
what should i have said or done?? what would be the right thing??
i invite any comments--positive or negative please. i need to hear it....
so, after my AH's last rehab stint in february (which lasted all of 2 weeks after the fact), he still has no job & lives on unemployment while i work full-time from home (which would be ideal--if my home was not an alcoholic, crazy, dysfunctional home).
ok, so we are totally struggling with money. he, of course, is trying not to drink--again.
so i hear him on the phone & he's talking about spending $60---on WEED!
he gets off the phone & i say, "are you kidding me??! we need to pay our mortgage & utilities & get some food in the house for the kids!" and he just rolls his eyes and yells back "you know this is the only thing that stops me from drinking & i don't want to drink so don't start a fight w/ me or it'll be YOUR fault!".
now, i'm not a wimp, but i've learned in the past (because i don't hold back what i'm feeling at the moment & it can get me in trouble), so i don't say anything....which makes me BURN inside!
what should i have said or done?? what would be the right thing??
i invite any comments--positive or negative please. i need to hear it....
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
Well, I'm not very good in situations like that, so I probably would have said something smarta$$ like...It's not my fault you are a loser who can't face life like normal people without either being high or drunk! Then all h*ll probably would have broken loose, but who cares.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Whatcha need him for? Weed instead of alcohol? Alcohol instead of weed? Hmmm, that's the mantra of an addict.
I agree with Roll, shhhh, make your plans, CHILDREN FIRST, you are their future, this is not a healthy enviroment for them.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Dolly
I agree with Roll, shhhh, make your plans, CHILDREN FIRST, you are their future, this is not a healthy enviroment for them.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Dolly
OSSSU!
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: West Palm Beach, Florida
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by suki44883 
Well, I'm not very good in situations like that, so I probably would have said something smarta$$ like...It's not my fault you are a loser who can't face life like normal people without either being high or drunk! Then all h*ll probably would have broken loose, but who cares.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by sodrained
i stand there like a fool....with no comeback.
You've tried making your point in the past and it didn't change anything. The A just twists things even more and you are left feeling like a pretzel. That's what happens when we try to reason with an active addict. It's like going to the hardware store looking for fresh bread.
You did good by not saying anything. There is no winner or loser in this. That burning inside is repressed anger. Find a healthy way to express it and don't keep pushing it down. I found healthy ways to release my anger by cursing and punching a pillow, or taking it to my car and turning up the stereo and screaming.
You are not a wimp.
You did not engage with an unreasonable adult. Good move!
What I would do now is to remove his name off of any credit and bank accounts that are in my name. I had to seperate my finances from my husband. I had to start protecting myself and my children. If you need money for mortgage and bills, where is he getting the $60 for weed?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
Originally Posted by Mataleao
This is me....No matter how many times I say to myself I'm not going to respond to crap....I can't help it. I have very little self control so it seems. Being Italian probably doesn't help.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
There is no right thing to say. It's a lose/lose situation for you.
Remember what I said in another thread... "alcoholic brain"
I remember when my xabf said he kept going to the bar cuz " I can't smoke weed, it makes me sick"!
I was like HUH? Why do you have to be either high or drunk to get thru life? Something is wrong with that!
But that's the addict brain. They have no normal coping skills, so OF COURSE, he needs the weed to not drink! {shaking head}
No, what he needs is treatment, so he can learn new coping skills and how to deal with the world without needing an escape.
Remember what I said in another thread... "alcoholic brain"
I remember when my xabf said he kept going to the bar cuz " I can't smoke weed, it makes me sick"!
I was like HUH? Why do you have to be either high or drunk to get thru life? Something is wrong with that!
But that's the addict brain. They have no normal coping skills, so OF COURSE, he needs the weed to not drink! {shaking head}
No, what he needs is treatment, so he can learn new coping skills and how to deal with the world without needing an escape.
Originally Posted by sodrained
i stand there like a fool....with no comeback. which is why i'm still living this life....
so, after my AH's last rehab stint in february (which lasted all of 2 weeks after the fact), he still has no job & lives on unemployment while i work full-time from home (which would be ideal--if my home was not an alcoholic, crazy, dysfunctional home).
ok, so we are totally struggling with money. he, of course, is trying not to drink--again.
so i hear him on the phone & he's talking about spending $60---on WEED!
he gets off the phone & i say, "are you kidding me??! we need to pay our mortgage & utilities & get some food in the house for the kids!" and he just rolls his eyes and yells back "you know this is the only thing that stops me from drinking & i don't want to drink so don't start a fight w/ me or it'll be YOUR fault!".
now, i'm not a wimp, but i've learned in the past (because i don't hold back what i'm feeling at the moment & it can get me in trouble), so i don't say anything....which makes me BURN inside!
what should i have said or done?? what would be the right thing??
i invite any comments--positive or negative please. i need to hear it....
so, after my AH's last rehab stint in february (which lasted all of 2 weeks after the fact), he still has no job & lives on unemployment while i work full-time from home (which would be ideal--if my home was not an alcoholic, crazy, dysfunctional home).
ok, so we are totally struggling with money. he, of course, is trying not to drink--again.
so i hear him on the phone & he's talking about spending $60---on WEED!
he gets off the phone & i say, "are you kidding me??! we need to pay our mortgage & utilities & get some food in the house for the kids!" and he just rolls his eyes and yells back "you know this is the only thing that stops me from drinking & i don't want to drink so don't start a fight w/ me or it'll be YOUR fault!".
now, i'm not a wimp, but i've learned in the past (because i don't hold back what i'm feeling at the moment & it can get me in trouble), so i don't say anything....which makes me BURN inside!
what should i have said or done?? what would be the right thing??
i invite any comments--positive or negative please. i need to hear it....
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Consequences being = behind door A, a DUI!
behind door B, Jail!
behind door C, a stay in the hospital for an alcohol-related illness
behind door D, verbal and/or physical abuse
behind door E, loneliness
behind door F, therapist bills for the rest of your life
I could go on.. and on....
behind door B, Jail!
behind door C, a stay in the hospital for an alcohol-related illness
behind door D, verbal and/or physical abuse
behind door E, loneliness
behind door F, therapist bills for the rest of your life
I could go on.. and on....
Originally Posted by mrphillipctrs1
How about a new game of Deal or No Deal where the numbers are consequences instead of money!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by sodrained
i stand there like a fool....with no comeback. which is why i'm still living this life....
so, after my AH's last rehab stint in february (which lasted all of 2 weeks after the fact), he still has no job & lives on unemployment while i work full-time from home (which would be ideal--if my home was not an alcoholic, crazy, dysfunctional home).
ok, so we are totally struggling with money. he, of course, is trying not to drink--again.
so i hear him on the phone & he's talking about spending $60---on WEED!
he gets off the phone & i say, "are you kidding me??! we need to pay our mortgage & utilities & get some food in the house for the kids!" and he just rolls his eyes and yells back "you know this is the only thing that stops me from drinking & i don't want to drink so don't start a fight w/ me or it'll be YOUR fault!".
now, i'm not a wimp, but i've learned in the past (because i don't hold back what i'm feeling at the moment & it can get me in trouble), so i don't say anything....which makes me BURN inside!
what should i have said or done?? what would be the right thing??
i invite any comments--positive or negative please. i need to hear it....
so, after my AH's last rehab stint in february (which lasted all of 2 weeks after the fact), he still has no job & lives on unemployment while i work full-time from home (which would be ideal--if my home was not an alcoholic, crazy, dysfunctional home).
ok, so we are totally struggling with money. he, of course, is trying not to drink--again.
so i hear him on the phone & he's talking about spending $60---on WEED!
he gets off the phone & i say, "are you kidding me??! we need to pay our mortgage & utilities & get some food in the house for the kids!" and he just rolls his eyes and yells back "you know this is the only thing that stops me from drinking & i don't want to drink so don't start a fight w/ me or it'll be YOUR fault!".
now, i'm not a wimp, but i've learned in the past (because i don't hold back what i'm feeling at the moment & it can get me in trouble), so i don't say anything....which makes me BURN inside!
what should i have said or done?? what would be the right thing??
i invite any comments--positive or negative please. i need to hear it....
I don't mean to be hard-nosed... but my ex said the 'EXACT SAME THING" to me and reading this made my stomach turn!
You are struggling for money right now BECAUSE he's buying weed or drinking!
You are the one struggling to pay the bills BECAUSE he's buying weed or drinking!
You are the one struggling to hold a relationship together BECAUSE he's buying weed or drinking!
You will continue to struggle with this situation as long as you're in it BECAUSE he's buying weed or drinking!
He yells and rolls his eyes because he has nothing to contribute except BUYING WEED OR DRINKING...
The choice you have.... is to live your life with or without someone who is concerned with nothing but buying weed or drinking!
Big hug to ya... the rollercoaster ride you're on and the big "unemployment" lumpy sack YOU carry around WILL DRAIN YOU!
p.s. I shudder to think how your money situation would get worse... if he got busted because of his need for weed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by sodrained
what should i have said or done??
To yourself: I don't want to live like this anymore. Tomorrow I'm going to file for divorce.
(I like Hammerhead's post better, but he said it so well there was nothing else to say.)
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Originally Posted by Pelican
Sometimes the best response is: No Response.
You've tried making your point in the past and it didn't change anything. The A just twists things even more and you are left feeling like a pretzel. That's what happens when we try to reason with an active addict. It's like going to the hardware store looking for fresh bread.
You did good by not saying anything. There is no winner or loser in this. That burning inside is repressed anger. Find a healthy way to express it and don't keep pushing it down. I found healthy ways to release my anger by cursing and punching a pillow, or taking it to my car and turning up the stereo and screaming.
You are not a wimp.
You did not engage with an unreasonable adult. Good move!
What I would do now is to remove his name off of any credit and bank accounts that are in my name. I had to seperate my finances from my husband. I had to start protecting myself and my children. If you need money for mortgage and bills, where is he getting the $60 for weed?
You've tried making your point in the past and it didn't change anything. The A just twists things even more and you are left feeling like a pretzel. That's what happens when we try to reason with an active addict. It's like going to the hardware store looking for fresh bread.
You did good by not saying anything. There is no winner or loser in this. That burning inside is repressed anger. Find a healthy way to express it and don't keep pushing it down. I found healthy ways to release my anger by cursing and punching a pillow, or taking it to my car and turning up the stereo and screaming.
You are not a wimp.
You did not engage with an unreasonable adult. Good move!
What I would do now is to remove his name off of any credit and bank accounts that are in my name. I had to seperate my finances from my husband. I had to start protecting myself and my children. If you need money for mortgage and bills, where is he getting the $60 for weed?
I realized that I was progressing in my recovery (as a co-dependant) when I was able to not respond. I would say what I had to say once and only once. I would say it nicely and then.... I could step outside of the conversation and tell myself I had stated my peace. I ignored the quacking of the alcoholic that would follow.
But to get to that place I had to realize that my AH was not a rational person. You can's have a rational conversation with an irrational person. My expectations had to change.
I could let go of resentment once I stopped trying to control my AH. I turned him over to God. I also turned my life and my finaces over to God too. Let me tell you He has REALLY taken care of us! I think a lot of fustration comes when WE want our AH's to do what WE think they should be doing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
quoted-by Daisy :Pelican is spot on!
I realized that I was progressing in my recovery (as a co-dependant) when I was able to not respond.
It is such a feeling of relief and FREEDOM to not say ANYTHING - but just to make the next healthy move for YOU and the CHILDREN .
I realized that I was progressing in my recovery (as a co-dependant) when I was able to not respond.
It is such a feeling of relief and FREEDOM to not say ANYTHING - but just to make the next healthy move for YOU and the CHILDREN .
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I don't know if I'm the silent stoic type or passive aggressive, but I would often say nothing to the ridiculous comments and rants. Saying anything at all would have served absolutely no purpose. I would just think of where I was in my current plan of action and wish I could make time move faster.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I too think it is good you dind't respond, as what would be the point of it. By the sound of it nothing you can say can make any difference. But things you do can. For you and your kids.
To me your AH doesn't seem serious about his recovery, it seems he's just trading one adiction for the other, and is doing some serious blame shifting too.
Reading your post makes me so angry, not with you, but with situation you're in. I guess it is so close to home, and I guess I'm actually angry with myself for allowing same kind of BS in my life for far too long. As the saddest fact is one day you'll realize it was not worth it, none of it, and you wasted years of your life, your precious life. You're entitled to happy life with your kids. And you're the only one that can make that happen.
I wish you well
To me your AH doesn't seem serious about his recovery, it seems he's just trading one adiction for the other, and is doing some serious blame shifting too.
Reading your post makes me so angry, not with you, but with situation you're in. I guess it is so close to home, and I guess I'm actually angry with myself for allowing same kind of BS in my life for far too long. As the saddest fact is one day you'll realize it was not worth it, none of it, and you wasted years of your life, your precious life. You're entitled to happy life with your kids. And you're the only one that can make that happen.
I wish you well
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
hi sodrained,
I just went back to read your previous posts to see if I could find it, but I couldn't so I'll just ask: what's your plan? I mean, aside from imagining a baby grand piano dropping on your AH someday, what do you want to do about this? Where do you see yourself in a few months, a year, 5 years?
I just went back to read your previous posts to see if I could find it, but I couldn't so I'll just ask: what's your plan? I mean, aside from imagining a baby grand piano dropping on your AH someday, what do you want to do about this? Where do you see yourself in a few months, a year, 5 years?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: CT
Posts: 46
How is he going to get a job if he is smoking weed, testing positive for Pot? I know some drinkers that swear pot nullifies the craving to drink. I used to think that too. I haven't smoked ganja in 2 years. Trust me , you can live with out it, you won't die. Quitting drinking takes discipline. Of all the people here I seen, the discipline comes from a deep inside feeling that this is the only way to get better. It's a very strong resolve stemming from a decision to get away from all the mistakes and pain of alcoholism. Your AH may not be in that place right now. Either way this is no way to have a healthy relationship.
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