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Old 07-07-2010, 03:51 PM
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Hello and bit more

Hello Everyone.
I'm not sure how I found this place but I suspect Google played a part in it.

The better half of today has been spent reading these threads. I've already learned alot but I've realized I know nothing. Most importantly, I realized that I'm probably not special and that very thought seems to be lighting a spark for me.

Please pardon any mis-use of acronyms. I'll get it down.

My posting name is exactly how I always feel. I'm always walking on eggshells. I don't know what I am. Codependent? Enabler? A Victim? Do I need to have a label?

My entire life I've been exposed to this disease from both parents while growing up to a certain level of heavy drinking on my own. Currently, I'm married to what I believe to be an AW. We have not been married long and we have a 1 year old son. The writing has always been on the wall but I paid no attention to it until we became responsible for a little one. Before then, it was simply brutal fights inflicting total mental devastation and things said that will never be forgotten. Everybody told me that fighting was typical the first few years of marriage. They followed that statement with a whisper of a laugh. I harbor tons of remorse, regret and my trust in her is completely gone.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being sucked down or towards some dark place and made to feel that I trigger her and I am wrong. I sometimes question my own sanity even during her episodes, which have now become a weekly thing and not always on the weekends. Will this disease grow to a daily struggle? I hope not. Can I hack it if it does? I don't know. Then again, I hate going home so perhaps for me, it already is a daily struggle regardless of her current state of intoxication. It's not 24/7 but I guess between heavy drunkenness, she's sobering up so I doubt if I'm ever really talking with the women I fell in love with. Sometimes I feel pushed towards that which I detest. I have tons of anger but I'm becoming numb.

I think I understand the concept of detachment but again, it's hard to do with a little one. I've read that people have certain ways they detach or deal with things but I'm not sure how people are dealing with those passive aggressive alcoholics and I don't know how they're doing it with a little baby in the mix. Financially, things would be tough if I were to file papers. Fact is, I would be destroyed and I don't see any recovery from that, given my personal state as well as the economic circumstances.

Well that's about it, I guess. I am reading through the stickies and doing research on local Al-Anon groups. I know that I need to find myself but I must ensure my son comes first. I don't know if this is the right approach.

Thanks for the ear. Or the eyes. Seeking for and finding a forum like this, reading, registering and posting my general story on my first post is a monster thing for me to do.
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Old 07-07-2010, 03:56 PM
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Welcome to SR, shellcrusher! There are lots of good people here who understand your situation and are ready to help in any way possible. I'm sorry you are dealing with this and with a little one, I know how difficult it can be. Stick around and keep reading and posting. There's a lot of experience, strength and hope to be found here.

My main concern is with your son. Does you wife work or does she stay at home with him? Does she drink when she is alone with him? That would be my main concern.
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Old 07-07-2010, 03:58 PM
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Do I need to have a label?
No, but one thing that made it easy for me was to think of my Recovery as simply learning a new language. They are words that help us to make sense of ourselves and our world. I hope you give Al-Anon a try. It saved my life. I know it can help you too. Welcome ShellCrusher.
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Old 07-07-2010, 07:15 PM
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Yeah, and does she ever drive while drinking?? That would concern me, in case she ever put him in the car.



Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Welcome to SR, shellcrusher! There are lots of good people here who understand your situation and are ready to help in any way possible. I'm sorry you are dealing with this and with a little one, I know how difficult it can be. Stick around and keep reading and posting. There's a lot of experience, strength and hope to be found here.

My main concern is with your son. Does you wife work or does she stay at home with him? Does she drink when she is alone with him? That would be my main concern.
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Old 07-07-2010, 08:28 PM
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Welcome!
Keep on reading. Keep on reading and keep on reading.
You are welcome here.

Peace
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Old 07-07-2010, 08:56 PM
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This forum and Alanon were both lifesavers for me.
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Old 07-07-2010, 09:23 PM
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Welcome to the forum! For me Alanon, recovery books and recently this forum have all been tools that have made my life peaceful and sane again. Ok semi-sane maybe....

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Old 07-08-2010, 07:44 AM
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Thanks for the warm welcome.

I wrote that after a night of hell. After reading through a few things here I decided to put some of it into practice last night. I realize that it's probably just noise to her but I started setting boundaries. I wanted to know what was setting her off to drink like that and when she told me, I let her know that those are her problems and she needs to figure it out.

The first year of raising our son was pretty good and in general I think she's an excellent mother. She cares, she's informed, she figures things out but she also stumbles. Sometimes she stumbled with the booze. Aside from her time carrying him through pregnancy, the first year showed some of the longest periods of sobriety to date.

He was breastfed and our stupid lactation consultant said drinking a glass of wine wasn't going to hurt him. Unfortunately wine for her is like a bag of chips. She just can't have 1. There were some big fights about that but I digress. The point I'm making is that it was a very typical mother/baby bonding time. I attended to cooking/cleaning and general household chores while she focused on the baby. Again, I digress.

It was liberating last night. I told her that I will no longer deal with her drunkenness on any level. Should she choose to go the route of the wine, I will be leaving and I will taking our son with me because it's not our problem. I think her eyes opened up a bit. I hope her eyes opened up a bit. Maybe I shouldn't care what her eyes were doing. I know that I can effectively remove my son from her problem and I think she knows that now too.

To answer a few questions. I can't lie or sit on the fence. Yes, she has been alone with him and was drinking. How much she drank is unknown and probably doesn't matter but I would come home and see a glass of wine/beer on the counter. She is excellent at justifying her actions.

I don't know if she's out driving around with him after drinking. So far she hasn't taken that type of action. She's made threats to leave late at night after drinking but I wasn't going to let her get on the road. I probably should have just called the cops but I don't know how that would affect our son. I just put all the keys in a pocket, hidden somewhere.
She is off for the summer. = Teacher I can't be there to watch over my son during the day.

I think I found an Al-Anon location in my area and I think they meet this Saturday.

Side note: I am agnostic. I've been down the path of prayer and god and I won't be going back. Perhaps that may be a barrier of some type but I'm here to learn how I can change. To me, that is a personal thing that I have to do and doesn't require faith in a single higher power. If I must, I can have faith in a single higher process/system.

Again, thanks for being here. I can't believe nor never thought a community of this type existed.
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Old 07-08-2010, 08:19 AM
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hi ShellCrusher...and WELCOME to SR. The people here are wonderfully supportive and surprisingly loving for a bunch of strangers scattered across the globe!

SR saved my life. It's thanks to this place and Al-Anon that I was able to leave my AH and take my DD (dear daughter) with me. Coincidentally, it's because of SR, Al-Anon and leaving my husband that I came to believe in a Higher Power. Maybe not the old toga-wearing beared guy from my Catholic school days, but *something* that gave me the opportunity to leave, save my baby girl, and begin my life again, away from the madness of her father's abuse and drinking. It's not a pre-requisite to going to Al-Anon though. Some people there just talk about HP as "fate", while others never really "adopt" a Higher Power. They can however benefit from the support and camaraderie of being in Al-Anon.

I like the boundary that you have begun to enforce. I encourage you to flesh it out (and others) further as they come to you. My first boundary was "I will not buy you any more beer". The next was "I will not stay in your presence when you are intoxicated". The big one "I will leave if you verbally abuse me". As I enforced my boundaries more, my AH's attitude changed. He felt the shift of "power"; he felt himself losing his hold on me. He got desperate. That's when I was glad to have consulted *several* lawyers.

I encourage you to quietly do the same. It can only help you to be properly informed about your rights and obligations in your geographical area. I went in with the attitude that I did not want to deprive my XAH of his child; in fact, I WANTED him to have a good solid relationship with his daughter, but in the end, booze and selfishness won over and he no longer sees her.

Anyhow, I digress.

Welcome. Keep reading. Keep posting. SR is open 24/7
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Old 07-08-2010, 09:12 AM
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Welcome to SR Shellcracker. I have pretty much the same story as you. My little one is 2. Get to Al-anon bro!!!
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:18 PM
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Welcome to SR, Shellcrusher.

Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
Sometimes I feel like I'm being sucked down or towards some dark place and made to feel that I trigger her and I am wrong. I sometimes question my own sanity even during her episodes
I can definitely relate to this. I still catch myself thinking, what if I hadn't done X, would we be OK now (i.e. would he not have been drinking and not done Y). How wonderful it was to realize that I was wrong to feel like I've triggered the drinking/behaviour. I had to leave and had been gone for a couple years before I could really acknowledge that I felt this way, that I felt like I had been going crazy trying to deal with STBXAH and his drinking. I am always in awe of my fellow SR members who have the strength and reach the clarity to be able to see this. It was such a huge accomplishment for me.

Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
I think I understand the concept of detachment but again, it's hard to do with a little one. I've read that people have certain ways they detach or deal with things but I'm not sure how people are dealing with those passive aggressive alcoholics and I don't know how they're doing it with a little baby in the mix. Financially, things would be tough if I were to file papers. Fact is, I would be destroyed and I don't see any recovery from that, given my personal state as well as the economic circumstances.
The book Letting Go with Love by Julia H. is wonderful and helps explain the process of detaching from an alcoholic. Detachment is not necessarily about leaving or divorcing the alcoholic, but about stepping back and not getting sucked into the crazy-making behaviors. That being said, I had to leave my STBXAH for myself and for our young son, but there were/are several other issues with our relationship.

I wish you all the best, strength and peace. Take care of yourself and your little one.
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Old 07-08-2010, 12:54 PM
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In the same boat with two kiddos. It is not easy but alanon has been very important in my understanding of this disease. She is in an outpatient treatment now but is not working it. Find an alanon meeting or you will lose it. Trust me.

Welcome!
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