reality
 

well, if there's one thing i am realizing from this site, it's that as long as i'm with my AH my life will never change and most likely get worse.
i think deep down i knew this, but hoped beyond hope, it wouldn't be that way.
now i have to begin the dreaded steps of getting my AH to leave & to sell the home i cannot afford & find a decent place for the kids & i to live. i just didn't want to deal with all this but i know i have to.
i just wonder how my life got to this point. i'm not stupid, but i let him take over my life.
i'm just thinking out loud.
thanks for listenimg.

Don't know if you attend Al-anon, but it's a good place to start.

Remember, you don't have to solve everything today. And every decision you make doesn't have to be perfect. Just do the next right thing and remember to breathe in between.

Remember to be gentle with yourself during this process.

You didn't arrive in this situation overnight, so don't plan to fix it overnight either.

I felt overwhelmed with too many choices at one point in my recovery. I had a potential job offer to accept or decline, I had to find housing for myself and my children, I had to decide if I was ready to file for divorce, I had a deadline at my current job, etc....

I picked up the phone and called someone from my alanon group. She listened while I cried and told of all the decisions I needed to make. This is what she told me:

"You do have a lot of decisions to make for your future.
Ask yourself this: Do you need to have all the answers by 3 p.m. today?
No? Then give yourself time to discover all your options."

I have also learned this from my friends at SR:
"Be patient, more will be revealed"

Trust your HP, the answers will come.

Peace and (((hugs))) to you!

Welcome! We are glad you're here :)

Hi there, I just want to say, i agree with the other posters, but, perhaps as you take your days step by step, you may think of temp seperation, before u rush headlong into divorce, sometimes, there may just be a silver lining, once you ave been seperated for awhile, all may just become quite clear what you should do, but, I think right now its just a blur. Thinking of you and your family.

thank you all for your kind words & support.
i guess i do rush too much, but i feel like i've waited so long & here is where i am....nowhere. so i feel like i have to rush now. i have been going through my home thinking, i have to clean that up & throw that out & get that together if i'm selling this house. but i think i've always lived like that---knowing someday this day would come. i never made serious changes to my house because in the back of my mind i figured--why? i'll just be leaving it soon.
but i will try to slow down a bit. and thank you for pointing that out.

roxie-i have been to alanon. i get very shy to a point of panic attacks and when we have to go around the room reading & speaking, i just about fainited. i bought a bunch of the alanon books and read them all the time.

Deep down I also knew what I would have to do. I just didn't want to face it or go through it. I finally had to and now I've been divorced for six months and things in my life are much better. This forum helped me to see things as they were and not as I wanted them to be.

Hi and WELCOME to SR :)

I just wanted to make the suggestion to...make lists! (ok I know I know, I ALWAYS makes lists, but hey, they work!). Then you can slowly work through your lists, ticking things off as you go, and feeling like you're getting somewhere.

Someone at alanon told me that we heal at the speed of our pain..maybe that's why you feel so urgent right now, you are ready to do what you need to get out of the pain:c011:

Good advice-I would be lost without my various lists! to-do lists, business priorities lists, etc.

There's a Japanese business philosophy called Kaizen. It's all about chipping away at a big task with little steps...not trying to accomplish too much all at once. It's a very successful approach. Often we feel so overwhelmed by a big task (for ex, selling your house), that we're stuck in inertia. Trying to break a big task down to a series of smaller, more manageable tasks, helps keep anxiety at bay and also gives us a sense of accomplishment when we can cross the smaller tasks off our list.

For ex., when selling your house you have a lot of sub-tasks, such as 1) finding a realtor, 2) getting an appraisal done ,3) fixing up various parts of the house, etc.

OP, it's true, you ask yourself "how did I get here" (like in the Talking Heads song). It was a slow, gradual slide. You didn't go into this thinking, I'd really like to be married to an alcoholic! Of course not. But just lke alcoholism is progressive, so too is codependency. We just end up letting go in all kinds of ways of our boundaries and limits, til we get to the point of insanity.

At that point we either hit bottom and realize we have to start over, like you and I are doing, or we just let denial keep flowing like a river in Egypt and keep tolerating the pain, drama, etc.

I for one am glad I am moving on.

Sodrained - at al-anon meetings you are always welcome to say "I'll pass" when sharing is going around the table. Please remember that. (((Hugs)))