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Old 07-06-2010, 09:14 PM
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My Story

Hi all,

What a wonderful place to find. And in finding it, I have found some peace.
Denial has been my best friend for a few years now. I have not been able to see things for what they are. My husband was not alcohol dependant! He just enjoyed to drink. And me I denied the pain that it caused.

I met my husband over 5 years ago, he was divorced 2 children, I was single 2 children. We married 18 months later. And now have 2 children together. He drank from the day I met him, certainly not like he does now. But remarkably even in it's beginnings it caused fights. His drunken perception, would cause him to say the most hurtful things to me. I accepted it as just one of those things that would happen from time to time. At some stage, and I can't even say when, my husband went from getting drunk on weekends to drinking every night of the week. Which over the last three years has gone onto him getting drunk every night of the week. Has gone from him drinking a bottle of whiskey every weekend, to one every 2 nights, or on alot of occasions nearly a full bottle every night. He wont even eat with dinner with the family. My nightly routine consists of him walking through the door, saying hello to each individual person, then making a drink and going outside to drink and smoke and talk on the phone. He comes back in to make drinks then straight back out the door. When he runs out of people to talk to on the phone, he starts on me. My psychologist asked me, what do you do to escape? Do you go to bed? I spend the night watching him, gauging what his mood is, how much has he drank? Wondering will this be the night I cop an earfull of his abuse. I don't go to bed to escape, I gave up that charade a long time ago, he only comes and wakes me up, because he either suddenly realises there is some important matter to discuss, or he's decided that I have done something wrong therefor I need to be dealt with. I am tired! I am so tired.
I have at times tried to point out to him that this fighting damages our relationship. And in some ways he has tried to keep some of the things he absuses me about in check. I have always tried to tell him in a way so as to not hurt his feelings! Silly me.
He went overseas at easter. When he returned I sat him down told him that he needed to get the drinking under control, that this stupid drunken merry-go-round was never going to stop. That he needed to stop getting drunk and absusing me. I did this in a way not to hurt his feelings.
Since that time I have been seeing a psychologist, and each week my husband and I go through the same conversation. Each week he says he will try. He would give me hope by having 1 or 2 nights where he didn't drink or didn't drink as much. A horrible rollercoaster of hope then despair.
He also told me a month ago, after he or course downed enough dutch courage, that while he was over seas that he had sex with another woman. A woman who is essence was a prostitute. I was effectively told not to feel bad about it because he was drunk and that on the second night she was too tired and went to sleep. Since then any comment I have made has been "un-called for".
Over the last week I have come to the realisation that my husband is an alcoholic or alcohol depandant, which ever, to me they are the same thing. He keeps telling me he needs time to sort out things, business etc. I say you are asking me to give you permission to drink. I can't do that. I have over past weeks told him that I will not and can not tolerate this forever. That I fear he will never stop, that it will only get worse, and that it will greatly affect our children. He can not see this, or more importantly he choses not to.
For what ever reason, I have in finally understanding what he is, gained strength. Once I could admit to myself that my husband was an alcoholic, I finally understood that this is not my battle to win. That no matter what I say to him he is never going to see not only what he is doing to himself, but to me and to our children.
I came here on Friday and spent hours reading, and in that gained more strength and understanding. It is this that gave me the strength to finally and truely confront my husband. Instead of telling him in a nice way, I gave it too him straight. Told him what he is, what he is facing. Told him he needed help both medically and psychologically. He told me doesn't. That its simple he just has to stop drinking, after all it is just a lack of discipline. I told him I wanted him to go away for a few days think about things, come back to me with a decision. He would not do that. Said he didn't need to, after all it's simple, I just stop drinking. I told him, this is it, you stop drinking or I am gone. Told him that I believed that he would only be able to see a future after he'd hit rock bottom and the only way I could get him to see that was to leave. That was Sunday, it is now Wednesday. My husband came home Monday night, didn't drink, told me he was feeling abit funny about what I had said to him. Told me that he couldn't believe that I was prepared to throw our childrens future away by leaving. How did I know they would be better off without him. All of these questions that were running through his mind. I simply said, all of those questions and feelings you are having, I know and understand, because it is exactly what I am thinking and feeling everyday. No I don't want to throw our childrens lives away, I am trying to prevent that, but it's up to you! Are you prepared to drink it all away?
I know the game he is now playing, I am not stupid, I have been, but not anymore! I am not going to be guilted.
As I said today is Wednesday, my husband came home and drank last night. Didn't drink much out of the bottle, but he went and bought it before he came home, how many cans did he drink at his alcoholic friends house before he came home? I don't know. I don't care. Yes I am still here, I am biding my time so to speak. The end is near, I can't plan it, I just know that it is just around the next bend. Or bender if you will!

I feel strength. I feel saddness. I morn the man that I loved so much, and the life we could have had together. I feel for my children, and the effects that staying or leaving will have on them. I feel that denial has been my worst enemy, yet understanding will be my new best friend.

I know the end is near, and I know my husband will not try to save this, he will be too busy wallowing in a bottle, telling people how unreasonable I am.

I love(d) him, I can't save him. This is not my battle to win. Nor is it my resposibility to save him. Only he can do that. I have made peace with my decision.

Thank you all for listening to me, and to all that have shared their stories, it has helped me.
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Old 07-07-2010, 05:55 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. We are having a few technical difficulties and most members are having trouble reaching the Friends & Family Forum. Our administrators are working on a solution.

You are not alone. We understand what it is like to live with active alcoholism. We understand what it is like to finally reach our own bottom with someone else's addiction. We are here to support you.

Have you tried to find Alanon meetings in your area? They are a terrific resource for face to face support. It's like walking into a room filled with your best friends, even tho you don't know them, because they all understand what you are going through.

From your post, it appears you have the facts in order and are making healthy decisions to take care of yourself and your children. Good on you! Your children deserve to have one sober, sane parent to protect them.

Alcoholism is progressive. It does not get better. It will get worse.

Reading the book "under the influence" helped me to understand how alcohol takes over the entire body, mind and soul of an alcoholic. Here is a link that contains excerpts from the book:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Keep taking care of yourself! You are worth the effort!
Make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed.
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Old 07-07-2010, 09:35 AM
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timeheals! Love your name...


Originally Posted by timeheals View Post
Hi all,I came here on Friday and spent hours reading, and in that gained more strength and understanding. It is this that gave me the strength to finally and truely confront my husband.
You seem to have a good grasp of the understanding of the disease... it is progressive... it will get worse.


I feel strength. I feel saddness. I morn the man that I loved so much, and the life we could have had together. I feel for my children, and the effects that staying or leaving will have on them. I feel that denial has been my worst enemy, yet understanding will be my new best friend.
I also went thru this exact pattern of emotions... I just couldn't understand how someone would give up their family for booze.. it just doesn't make sense does it... guess what... it never will make sense to us... that's why it's important for us to take care of us.

Good for YOU that YOU are choosing to understand the effects of staying or leaving will have on your children... if you stay you are possibly teaching your children a set of debilitating and codependent skills that they will potentially carry for the rest of their lives...... if you leave... you teach them empowerment. It is just as important for you to understand what the effects are for you as well.

I know the end is near, and I know my husband will not try to save this, he will be too busy wallowing in a bottle, telling people how unreasonable I am.
The end of chaos, verbal abuse and not knowing is near... a new chapter of enlightenment, friendships and self love is beginning. You taking care of you and your children... will not be perceived as unreasonable.

I love(d) him, I can't save him. This is not my battle to win. Nor is it my resposibility to save him. Only he can do that. I have made peace with my decision.

Thank you all for listening to me, and to all that have shared their stories, it has helped me.
I loved my ex too... I couldn't save him either... you are right HIS battle is not for YOU to win... however... YOUR battle is for you and your children to win... to live with respect and love.... the just rewards for such a battle won.

((hugs)) You are not alone.
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Old 07-07-2010, 01:30 PM
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Hugs to you. I can say that I really do understand. I was in a very similar situation. My husband did go to rehab, but his bottom was not losing his family I am sorry to say. He caused thousands of dollars of damage to someone's house, was charged with two felonies and we are spending about $25k on all of this. Our money. We are not bums. Before all of this happened he held a respectable position in the social work field. I am a working professional. We have two beautiful children. Life could have been so much better than it has been the past several years.

Luckily he participated in rehab and is now clean for 100 days. That is not a long period of time for someone who has been drinking for years. He almost lost his family, and he still might, time will tell.

What I will say is this. If you have children, put them first in every decision you make regarding your life. You are not taking away their father, you are taking away someone who is going to hurt them mentally, cause them grief in their lives and could potentially physically hurt them. Maybe not with intent, but i learned after the fact my husband was driving my children around in a car while he had been drinking. It is only with God's grace nothing happened to any of them or someone else. I am disgusted and cannot believe I let it go on for as long as I did. You know, you have the right to call the police and have him removed if he is a threat in your home. You don't have to leave, let him. How much can he love you if he is willing to be with a prostute??

So, I guess the moral of my story is to make each decision in life as though your child's life depends on it, because it does.

Good luck to you and God Bless!
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Old 07-07-2010, 04:30 PM
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Many women would leave him based on the prostitute episode alone.

No, it makes no sense he would trade his family in for alcohol, but if you were to put all of us here on the forum, physically, in a room and ask for a show of hands of, how many people were traded away so that their significant other A could drink?

You'd see a H*LL of a lot of hands, mine included.

A friend of mine who is 5 yrs sober and in AA told me, back when he was an active alcoholic, he would only get his kids on the weekends. And you know what? He remembers feeling like he couldn't WAIT for his kids to leave, so that he could drink again.

Now that he's sober, he recognizes how freakin' CRAZY that was!

And he totally cherishes every moment he spends with his kids. But unfortunately, he had to lose his marriage, before he even took the first step and admitted his disease.
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Old 07-08-2010, 03:12 AM
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Thanks to all for replies.

A little self doubt set in today. Trying to stay strong though. My husband has not been drunk since our "talk", although is drinking.

Hopeful4: he is not a physical threat, but verbally I've been the copped alot.

I know many would have left him for the prostitute. Don't know why I didn't. Still don't know why. Probably tried to convince myself that a "good wife", would not let infidelity destroy the marriage. Silly I know.

At this point I'm preparing for alcohol to destroy the marriage.
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