How do I get to whats after no contact??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 25
How do I get to whats after no contact??
Stuck on this. I am 13 days no contact with my exAF. He's not banging down my door to win me back ... I am stuck in the "This needs to be over for good for my own sanity" vs "Please God make him see the light and come back to me". Can't get past that. I am still obsessing and reading and trying to fix him through mental telepathy. Its not really working!
We were only engaged, not living together, no kids between us ... this should be easy, right? NOT!
How do I work on detachment? Those close to me feel its only a matter of time before I crack and go running after him. He is too much on my mind. This is not what I want for myself. I started Alanon again last night and I go to private counselling. What else can I do?
We were only engaged, not living together, no kids between us ... this should be easy, right? NOT!
How do I work on detachment? Those close to me feel its only a matter of time before I crack and go running after him. He is too much on my mind. This is not what I want for myself. I started Alanon again last night and I go to private counselling. What else can I do?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
I was in the same place you are. I went 6 weeks with no contact, knowing it was best, but still hoping to hear from him. Then I did. I got blasted with all the right words, all the things I needed to hear to get the validation I was hoping for.
The problem was that it just ripped open a deep wound that was barely starting to heal. I thought it was what I wanted, but it just prolonged the agony.
Nothing had changed. Not his behaviors. Not his addictions. None of the underlying problems. It was not good for me to hear from him!
He may very well see the light of missing you, but 13 days does not make for healing. No contact is the only way to go.
It isn't easy. I fully feel your pain! It is a very, very difficult and painful time, and I am sorry you have to experience it. But getting THROUGH it (not denying it, not going around it, not burying your head in the sand to it) is what will bring you your own healing.
Alanon and private counseling are awesome. Journaling has been huge for me. A couple of friends who listen when I need them have been amazing. Staying busy is also huge for me.
There have been times when I would rather curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day than face the world, so I have had to have people hold me accountable for things, like lunch dates, going to garage sales, cooking a certain meal with my kids, ANYTHING to keep me living my life and not wallowing in my pain.
And find a way to shift your thoughts to REALITY, away from FANTASY. What are the reasons you chose to get out of the relationship? Make yourself think about them.
The underlying pain will be there even while you're doing other things, but the days will go faster and be less painful if you choose to focus on healing yourself rather than longing for what could have been.
Stay strong...it really, really does get better, but it takes time and lots of it. Hugs to you!
The problem was that it just ripped open a deep wound that was barely starting to heal. I thought it was what I wanted, but it just prolonged the agony.
Nothing had changed. Not his behaviors. Not his addictions. None of the underlying problems. It was not good for me to hear from him!
He may very well see the light of missing you, but 13 days does not make for healing. No contact is the only way to go.
It isn't easy. I fully feel your pain! It is a very, very difficult and painful time, and I am sorry you have to experience it. But getting THROUGH it (not denying it, not going around it, not burying your head in the sand to it) is what will bring you your own healing.
Alanon and private counseling are awesome. Journaling has been huge for me. A couple of friends who listen when I need them have been amazing. Staying busy is also huge for me.
There have been times when I would rather curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day than face the world, so I have had to have people hold me accountable for things, like lunch dates, going to garage sales, cooking a certain meal with my kids, ANYTHING to keep me living my life and not wallowing in my pain.
And find a way to shift your thoughts to REALITY, away from FANTASY. What are the reasons you chose to get out of the relationship? Make yourself think about them.
The underlying pain will be there even while you're doing other things, but the days will go faster and be less painful if you choose to focus on healing yourself rather than longing for what could have been.
Stay strong...it really, really does get better, but it takes time and lots of it. Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Huntington Beach, CA
Posts: 29
I'm right there with you. I told him not to contact me, and so did everyone else that loves him. His daughter and I are both in the same place. We don't want to go after him, but he hasn't contacted us, and so we are just fearing the worst. We both just want to know he is alive. So, I sit hoping that he calls, just to know. ugh. Although, I too have a fantasy that he will get sober and beg forgiveness, mean it, and stay sober. But, reality tells me that won't happen, and it isn't worth the risk to find out. Ugh..so many ping pong thoughts going around in my head. His roommates haven't seen or heard from him in 4 days. =(
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
The underlying pain will be there even while you're doing other things, but the days will go faster and be less painful if you choose to focus on healing yourself rather than longing for what could have been.
I watched a Dharma & Greg re run and when Dharma got separated from Greg her mom told her:
"don't worry, you will be together in another lifetime. That is what reincarnations are for!"
I watched a Dharma & Greg re run and when Dharma got separated from Greg her mom told her:
"don't worry, you will be together in another lifetime. That is what reincarnations are for!"
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
As one who went through the merry-go-round of breakup, then he comes crawling back saying the right things, then you get back with him and it's "deja vu all over again" , as Yogi Berra said, TRUST ME. SILENCE IS GOLDEN.
Originally Posted by Katfshh 
I'm right there with you. I told him not to contact me, and so did everyone else that loves him. His daughter and I are both in the same place. We don't want to go after him, but he hasn't contacted us, and so we are just fearing the worst. We both just want to know he is alive. So, I sit hoping that he calls, just to know. ugh. Although, I too have a fantasy that he will get sober and beg forgiveness, mean it, and stay sober. But, reality tells me that won't happen, and it isn't worth the risk to find out. Ugh..so many ping pong thoughts going around in my head. His roommates haven't seen or heard from him in 4 days. =(
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Time and then more time.
Give yourself time. Feelings don't bounce directions overnight.
Decide what kind of life you want and work towards that life. Little by little he will diminish in your mind. Until then, do recovery work, post here, try therapy or al anon, work, play and do whatever makes you happy.
Give yourself time. Feelings don't bounce directions overnight.
Decide what kind of life you want and work towards that life. Little by little he will diminish in your mind. Until then, do recovery work, post here, try therapy or al anon, work, play and do whatever makes you happy.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
This is what my gf (social worker) said to me when I was freshly into No Contact with my active alcoholic:
She suggested I think of something awful reason for not communicating with my A. For instance, the reason you are not communicating with your A could be because the A is in a coma on life support, after driving drunk, and a major car crash.
I had a "WTH?" moment when she said that to me! I asked her to please explain how thinking something awful like that was going to help me. She explained that it might help me to think of some awful reason for there to be no communication between myself and my A. Then to look at the real reason why I was not communicating with my A: My Choice for My Serenity. When I compared the imaginary reason(s) for No Contact with the real reasons for No Contact I understood that I was taking control of my life. I was taking my power back.
I went from "WTH?" to "AHA"
I also kept a piece of paper in my wallet. (Still there) on that piece of paper were my reminders of what life with an active alcoholic means.
_________'s love comes with:
drunkeness
physical illness
financial problems
legal problems
etc......
That list helped keep my in reality.
She suggested I think of something awful reason for not communicating with my A. For instance, the reason you are not communicating with your A could be because the A is in a coma on life support, after driving drunk, and a major car crash.
I had a "WTH?" moment when she said that to me! I asked her to please explain how thinking something awful like that was going to help me. She explained that it might help me to think of some awful reason for there to be no communication between myself and my A. Then to look at the real reason why I was not communicating with my A: My Choice for My Serenity. When I compared the imaginary reason(s) for No Contact with the real reasons for No Contact I understood that I was taking control of my life. I was taking my power back.
I went from "WTH?" to "AHA"
I also kept a piece of paper in my wallet. (Still there) on that piece of paper were my reminders of what life with an active alcoholic means.
_________'s love comes with:
drunkeness
physical illness
financial problems
legal problems
etc......
That list helped keep my in reality.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
The underlying pain will be there even while you're doing other things, but the days will go faster and be less painful if you choose to focus on healing yourself rather than longing for what could have been.
Also, i started a thread on one of these forums, either the old jacked up one or this new temporary one, about Fantasy vs. Reality. I really like this
reminders of what life with an active alcoholic means.
Reminders of what life with AH REALLY looks like:
Drunk when I least expect it (a testament to my denial)
Surprise! - He's being kind and wonderful! See he DOES care
I spend much of my time trying to sort out what the hell he REALLY means
Surprise!- He does something amazingly mean and selfish. See he DOESN'T care
No money for milk but there are tons of bottles in the garage.
A swarm of flies living in the garage
Blameshifting
Crosses my boundaries in frightening ways.
I feel unloved, unaccepted and jealous when he flirts with other women in public--but take crumbs of affection from him as a sign that he really cares
Oh, and I lose my ability to love myself. Yeah. There's that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
You have exactly articulated what I went through, too, with the
"This needs to be over for good for my own sanity" vs "Please God make him see the light and come back to me".
And the "telepathy". Me too, me too, me too. It was so weird when I realized that MY telepathic powers weren't working for some reason.
You keep doing what you're doing, you will get there if you truly wish to.
For me, of all the tools, Sober Recovery was the most helpful resource I availed myself of.
"This needs to be over for good for my own sanity" vs "Please God make him see the light and come back to me".
And the "telepathy". Me too, me too, me too. It was so weird when I realized that MY telepathic powers weren't working for some reason.
You keep doing what you're doing, you will get there if you truly wish to.
For me, of all the tools, Sober Recovery was the most helpful resource I availed myself of.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
How do I get to whats after no contact??
How do I work on detachment? I started Alanon again last night and I go to private counselling.
I think you are doing EXACTLY what you need to be doing but that you may not be living in the Present Moment (it sounds like you may be anxious about what comes "next"). By continuing to go to Al-Anon, you will better learn how to live in the Present Moment. I think also you may not trust yourself and your own judgment. Start reminding yourself on a regular basis to "Trust Your Instincts." You KNOW what YOU need, now trust that you KNOW and you are RIGHT about what you need. If you are feeling anxious at any given moment, BREATHE and say the Serenity Prayer out loud.
What else can I do?
Good for you for going No Contact!!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
For me, the challenge is how do I stop obsessing? Retraining my mind to go to and work on other issues, rather than obsessing is HARD for me, for whatever reason. I've always been analytical. I have analyzed this relationship my AH and myself to DEATH.
I'm starting a 5 yoga classes a week program, that's truly the only thing that fixes all of this.
Do you exercise? And I mean get your heart rate and breathing elevate for at least 20 minutes..
I'm starting a 5 yoga classes a week program, that's truly the only thing that fixes all of this.
Do you exercise? And I mean get your heart rate and breathing elevate for at least 20 minutes..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
First off:
Worked really well for me. No emails, no texts, no FB, no calls. Anything that came from XAH got ignored. You can do this since you've got no kids with this person....I got distracted by focusing on stuff I'd been wanting to do for a long while and had ignored. I read a book. I wrote in my journal. I knit a scarf. I gave myself a manicure. I went to a dance class. I contacted friends. I went out on adventures by myself to places I'd never been.
Once the desire to contact him, hear from him, hear him grovel at my feet lessened, I focused on healing...reading inspirational books, writing out my experience, talking to others who'd been there, going to therapy, etc.
Worked really well for me. No emails, no texts, no FB, no calls. Anything that came from XAH got ignored. You can do this since you've got no kids with this person....I got distracted by focusing on stuff I'd been wanting to do for a long while and had ignored. I read a book. I wrote in my journal. I knit a scarf. I gave myself a manicure. I went to a dance class. I contacted friends. I went out on adventures by myself to places I'd never been. Once the desire to contact him, hear from him, hear him grovel at my feet lessened, I focused on healing...reading inspirational books, writing out my experience, talking to others who'd been there, going to therapy, etc.
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