I am not who I was
 

I've put myself in a couple of situations in the past week. Situations where people were drinking - a lot, and both times have ended badly. I thought I needed to get back out there and start doing things that I stopped doing three years ago, but no. I had a few drinks, started feeling loose and didn't like it. Don't get me wrong, there were some hilarious moments where I laughed harder than I've laughed in some time, but the night ended with me feeling uncomfortable and unsafe because of the behaviors of others.

I'm feeling sad today. I'm feeling like a hypocrite. I've had no contact with my xgf for about almost a month now. I'm having thoughts of "what if" and "if only" and "i wish". I wish I had behaved differently...better, behaved in a manner that was not crazy or unhealthy. Would it have changed the outcome? Unlikely. Would she have stopped drinking? Most likely not. But maybe I would feel better now. If only I could have just been ok with her drinking? I tried so hard to do just that -- tried to change everything about myself, my thoughts...my feelings...my actions, until I became somebody I didn't even recognize -- dishonest and cowardly. How many times did I apologize for coping poorly with her drinking? Many.

I am not who I was before I met her. I have no idea who I am. How do I figure it out? Ugh...I hate the way I feel right now. Please help me.

I went to church. I usually feel better afterward. Not today.

Hello KeepingItReal,

First, let me say, my name is Beth, and I am a recovering alcoholic.
Can you try not to be so hard on yourself? It will not serve you well while you are trying to discover who you are. We can learn from past mistakes, but we don't have to live in regret.

The good news is, you don't like to be drunk, and you don't like the out of control behavior of other drunks. To me, this means you have already discovered something about yourself, and that is you dont like the feeling, and you dont need a substance to block feelings.

So, if your XGF is an alcoholic, then maybe you should steer clear of drinking and drinking establishments. This will only give you the feelings you had when you were with her. Try something new, you dont need to go "out there" to get out. Have you been to any meetings? Al-Anon? You could also find some activities associated with your church, or some volunteer opportunities, and there is always just a lovely walk around a local park. (my personal favorite.)

Also, although a month may seem like a long time because you were so focused on her, it is actually a very short time in reference to your whole life and also to the three years you were together.

could you possibly get to a therapist or a counselor (church?) who specializes in addictions? this will help you enormously in finding yourself again. bring the focus back to you.

you can do this. i did.

Beth

Thank you Beth.

I am trying not to be so hard on myself, but obviously I'm struggling in that area.

It seems like, where I live, having a good time = going out and drinking. Since I became concerned about my xgf's drinking I pretty much quit going out with friends and family especially when I knew drinking was going to be involved. So, I thought that since I broke up with her, perhaps things could go back to being the way they were, but no, they can't.

I have been trying some different things. I worked on a Habitat house and will be joining the Women Build Committee. I'll also be volunteering at the Habitat resale store. I bought a road bike and a friend and I are training for a century ride. I've also joined the local cycling club.

It's still hard tho, and I imagine it will be for some time. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to be kind to myself. I went to al-anon a few times and I do have a therapist that I see weekly.

I want to respond to your post, even though I don't really have any advice. I know how you are feeling. It does get a little easier over time but I am still working on it too.

I struggle with this off and on and today is not a good day but I will get through it. So will you. You did the best you could at the time. We all make mistakes but we learn from them. That is recovery. Today, we will do the best we can, with new lessons learned. It will be a little better then yesterday but we'll make more mistakes, learn more, and do the best we can tomorrow - which will be a little better then today. I tried for a long long long long time to change, or wish things away, wish them different, couldn't I just change myself to live with what I had. etc? I make myself stop the 'if onlie's. I already know the *real* answer. The answer is no. I couldn't do any of that. No matter what. I just need to keep marching forward and keep doing the next right thing.....I'm not explaining myself very well, maybe because I am floundering right now.

I understand. Time alone is helping a little bit. Living in today, looking toward the future, and not getting stuck in the past and 'if onlies' help. Counseling will help. I need to figure out a way to start again.

Keepingitreal, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I broke up w/my ex-bf because I got tired of the "ferris wheel of death" I was on for 3 yrs, of all the horrible situations I was put in because of his drinking.

Things got so bad-he had one really violent outburst at me on his birthday-that I had to give him an ultimatum. Give up drinking, or I walk. He chose to let me walk.

I, too, live in a city where it's all about the partying. I cannot help it-being around drunk people makes me think of him, and I get SO sad. I find myself giving speeches a lot about the dangers of alcoholism. I, too, am not the same person I was before I met him.

I'm trying to stay out of bars. I made the mistake of going to one w/some gfs Friday night. a friend from out of town who was staying w/me, drank too much and I had to babysit her til 4am. It was horrible. Also, because she was drunk, she lost her car key. Dealing with her lost key ruined my day Saturday-I am a model and had a paid photo shoot, and I had to cancel it. Not good. So, I thikn I'm done with bars.

I am definitely not the same person I was....

I think that anywhere you go you find that the common enjoyment is heading out to the bars or going out for drinks etc. It's the same everywhere.

I went out for a drink with a couple of girlfriends the other night, I didn't stay out late, and they invited someone they knew to meet us out. He wanted to head out to the bars after we were finished where we were.... and I had no desire. All I wanted to do actually was get home. And I went home.:)

Though there is a part of me that sometimes feels like I am missing out on something....so many people seem to go out and have a good time, and the girls I work with go out for drinks, and they have fun.
I try to change my thinking and let "loose" and feel like I am being too serious about it, I MUST be missing something! (I am speaking to the fact that most people I know are not alcoholics either)

When I am out now, seeing other people drink reminds me of my XA. I am definitely bitter towards drinking. I put a lot of emphasis on his drinking so that I remind myself that I didn't lose someone wonderful.
Besides the fact that it reminds me of a painful time, drinking does absolutely nothing for me. Alcohol is a depressant and thats exactly what it does to me. It doesn't mask my feelings, it brings them out.
So, though other people I know may enjoy the occassional drink, I have come to terms with the fact that I just don't. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
:)

Being around alcohol/partying reminds me of my XABF too. It does crazy things to my thinking if I let it...it makes me miss him...it makes me think maybe I've over-reacted to the addiction. Crazy thinking.

It was an interesting holiday weekend and I think God let me experience some contrasting things for an important reason.

Saturday we had a block party on our street. I LOVE our neighborhood and we had a great time--barbecue, lots of fireworks, yard games for the kids, etc. But there was also a fair amount of drinking by most of the adults, and by the end of the night I was thinking, almost obsessively, about XABF. I came in early because I was letting it affect me and needed to clear my thinking!

Tonight, however, we went to a barbecue at our best friends' house in a different part of town. There were around ten families there, and all the same activities we had at our neighborhood party EXCEPT that there wasn't a drop of alcohol to be found (my friends are non-drinkers and intentionally provided the drinks so people wouldn't bring alcohol).

I had SO MUCH MORE PEACE tonight. It was such a great reminder that yes, sober adults can and DO have just as much fun--in this case, better quality fun! They have better conversation, better interaction with their kids, don't do/say stupid things, and no one will wake up with tomorrow with a hangover.

I needed tonight to remind me how important it is to appreciate my friends, my daughters, my life, and to be able to take a deep breath and say, thank you, God, for allowing me to be free from the mess I had created for myself in two years of an empty-promises relationship with XABF.

My girls and I have a life to live and it won't be affected by the alcohol/drugs/addictions of an XABF. Tonight was a blessing!

Wow-this is such a great way of looking at things.

I stayed in tonight-I cannot deal w/the craziness of this holiday, and the drinking. I did healthy things-I worked out, I swam in the pool...I had lunch with a friend...went for a hike...

I feel like I am enjoying my independence from the craziness of a codependent relationship! I too feel grateful! When I was with my XAB, this holiday held great dread and misery for me. I am free at last, free at last, to live my life as a choose and not be held hostage to his disease.

There's another twist to all this - one of my XAB's friends is a SEVERE alcoholic, and he is finally getting help. I am providing some guidance to his gf, who is a very sweet girl whom I love. I posted something on the forum about her. I feel happy that he is getting help finally, and great empathy for her. It is a bumpy road, but I'm hoping he stays on it.

That's what I'm talking about. I miss having that kind of fun.

My son invited five of his friends over, ages ranging from 12-15. They roasted hotdogs over the fire pit and made s'mores. They listened to music. They talked and enjoyed each others company. They drank orange soda and had a ball. They had good, clean, authentic fun. Heck, maybe I should invite some of my friends over for a roast.

For the past 2+ years, my anxiety surrounding my xgf and her drinking has caused me to become physically ill and emotionally distraught when opportunities for social interactions arose where alcohol would be present. I'm also bitter towards drinking and I will be steering clear of drinking and drinking establishments.

I am the same. There were so many crazy situations around my x's drinking that it's like I now have my guard up whenever I'm around people drinking anymore.

I'm all tense, like someone who was in the Iraq war, jumping when he hears a loud noise thinking it's a roadside bomb...

The craziness around my xgf's drinking included lying, sneaking, being unable to follow through with plans, disappearing, breaking boundaries, etc. There were health issues, emotional issues, job issues, financial issues, and parenting issues which I believe to have been caused/made worse by the drinking (she would disagree). I felt chronically disappointed...didn't believe that she would do what she said she would do. I was always on guard against the drunkenness. There was never any physical aggression. Nothing overtly verbally or emotionally damaging....some manipulation. If drinking in public, she would be obnoxious and embarrassing. If we were alone, she would sometimes become obnoxious but then super emotional before finally passing out.

She made it clear that she didn't plan to stop drinking. I tried controlling here drinking for a long time. I drank with her at first but that was bad for my depression. I monitored her drinking, nagged, poured alcohol down the drain, tried to monopolize her time, etc.

I did some really crazy things. Now I'm aware of how those things made the situation worse.

Now I know that I do not have to accept that which is unacceptable to me.

Sorry for venting, but it did help me to remember why I needed to end the relationship.

Never be sorry for venting....

"but it did help me to remember why I needed to end the relationship".Exactly!

:)

I agree-don't apologize.

Your venting helped reinforce to me why I am no longer with my x.

I experienced a lot of the same things you did, but add physical aggression to the mix.

My x would have temper tantrums when he was drunk. I had to talk a cop out of arresting him 2008 New Yr's Eve-shoulda let him get busted, now I realize. He smashed my phone, his own laptop...he shot at me with a squirtgun, the last time he had a drunken tantrum, that was pretty much the last straw. And this was 8 months after getting back together with him claiming he wanted to change his life--he made a couple compulsory visits to AA and to his therapist, but none of that lasted once we got back together.

I will post my story about him soon enough. I think us sharing our stories helps reinforce why these relationships are so toxic.

And my x, like yours, is in total denial. He would never agree with me that "drinking is the problem." In fact, he has said MANY times "drinking is not the problem." Hmmm, maybe he's saying that cuz he doesn't wanna stop doing it??? And why wouldn't you, when you've blown a relationship to smithereens and alienated someone who loved you because of your drunken behavior, put an end to it? Only reason I can think is, cuz you CAN'T. Cuz you're addicted.

But see...that's too logical for him. He's gotta be the most illogical person I've ever met. I don't know if he's naturally that way, or it's the disease. He's not a dumb person, so I gotta figure...it's the disease. I just had to get away before I became like that as well-so wrapped up in my own delusional thinking that I couldn't see the truth.