JenT1968

could be, or he could have stopped going to the therapist because he was hearing some uncomfortable truths, or because he couldn't be bothered, or he could still be going, any of those really, thankfully it doesn't have to impact your life any more so it doesn't really matter which it is.

its all manipulation, if he is feeling suicidal, there are trained professionals and volunteer services and charities that he can reach out to, people who can actually help. What would you call continually contacting a former partner, after they've expressed the desire for no contact, using this sort of language other than an attempt at manipulation? would you do this to a former boyfriend who had expressly asked that you don't contact him? and if you did what would your real motives be?

It isn't love, or passion, or romantic, it isn't about any special connection between the two of you, its all about him and his refusal to accept that you have your own life and feelings and thoughts. I would bet my last penny that if you went running after him, he'd drop you from a great height after a very short time. I would also bet my last penny that he is using this drama as an excuse to drink more and wallow in the melodrama of it all

One of the most difficult things about this, is realizing that he won't ever get your reality, you can't convince him to leave you alone, you just have to cut off the feedback that his efforts get him. The bf I had before AH chased me vigorously after we split up, despite my protestations that it was all over, I had to realize that somehow this contact was feeding something within me too, I wanted to feel that I was that special to him that he couldn't live without me, that our love was that unique and deep.

well, it wasn't, it was a movie fantasy pastiche of real love at best and he lived just fine without me, in fact he was living it up with several young lovelies at the time and this was all about keeping as many options on the go as possible, and him not being the rejected one.

we had some amazing times together but it was shallow, we did not work, and often it was horrible and painful, the intensity of which felt like it must be important, but that certainly wasn't love.

HoopNinja

OK, I admit it-I laughed outloud when I read the title of the thread. How do they come up with this stuff (burned his tongue on bacon?? ) and all the follow-up stuff he said. If it was not for real I would think he was doing improv comedy. It is just such manipulation on a huge scale. It sounds like he is a pathological liar--he may even be convincing himself this is all true. He has to or he would have to face the truth about himself.

I agree with others-detach. Until you do that he will keep trying to suck you in. He will probably keep trying after you have detached but don't take the bait. stbxah is constantly doing this. His manipulation is to act like a human being for brief periods of time but all it takes is one question/statement he does not like for the mask to come off. I have to have contact with the fool because we have kids. But for that I would do total no contact. The contact we have now is simply logistics about the kids. At the end of each of those conversations when it is time to say good-bye he just sits there on the phone or at the door like he thinks I am going to change my mind. It is just another form of manipulation. He is delusional. I just say thanks and hang up or close the door.

You sound like you are responding in a very healthy way. Keep those boundaries you have set--you put them there for a reason. Return to sender is good--then you do not even have to read the stuff. Don't even open the door if he shows up. Can he get in? Does he have a key? Caling the police would work too and maybe he would finally get it-maybe.

KeepPedaling

I couldn't believe the bacon thing either. It's so sad, but I can't help but laugh about that one. And nope! He can't get in! I'm not sure if he's a pathological liar. I wonder sometimes if he actually believes some of the stuff he says. Like, maybe he convinces himself that it's true.

KeepPedaling

When you put it like that, it's pretty clear. It took a while for me to see this though. That's for sure.

I think it's also about the fact that he's drank away all his money and might be close to losing his apartment.

KeepPedaling

Thanks for the post, but the "He's still sucking the life out of you, the sanity" is simply not true. I'm not sure why you would write that. I'm not lifeless or insane because I dated an alcoholic.

KeepPedaling

Hey! Happy 4th everyone! I hope you got to see some fireworks! The one's we had were so awesome!!!!!!!

tjp613

Thanks, KP! We had a great day, too! There's a huge new development going in about a mile from our house and they had a big display.... we didn't even have to get in the car to see 'em! That was the best part!

God Bless America!

zbear23

There's a saying I've heard in AA: "We don't have relationships, we take hostages." This is a fine example of such hostage taking...emotional extortion at which alcoholics are exceedingly well-versed. Perhaps that's why our first, and most necessary step is based on the principle of HONESTY. Of course, any active addict is lying to him/herself anyway, so one can't expect them to be honest with anyone else. Basically, he is projecting his own deceitful thoughts, feelings and behaviors onto you, so he can deny any responsibility.

My own rule is that I refuse to allow anyone to make THEIR problems MY problems. I think you're doing pretty well with this. Stop the emails. Send the letters back. His well being has nothing whatsoever to do with you....it's all about his own choices, his own fears....and as for love: I can't imagine that an active addict could even have a clue about authentic love.

blessings
zenbear

TakingCharge999

Hi KP.

I read a lot of myself in your posts.

There is no need to explain yourself to him anymore.

No contact is the way to sanity...

No Contact is the starting point to start seeing things more clearly and gain yourself back from the endless suffering and twisting of an Alkies World.

I too went back and back again and tried to reason. I only found more hurt and lies and manipulation, a horrible hell I never want myself or any close friend, relative, neighbor, teacher, coworker, internet acquantaince or Breathing living being to be in close range with.

If he comes to your house you can call the police or perhaps Pest control

KeepPedaling

Thanks. After he sent me that letter in the mail, I sent him that email. Another thing I included in the email was a copy of that "Hi, my name is Jon. I am an addict...." You know the one I mean? Where he's saying how he doesn't care about anything but himself? I included that and after wrote that I get that now.

He wrote me back several emails. I haven't responded. I won't be responding to anything he sends anymore. If he shows up, I won't let him in. If he doesn't leave, I'll call the police. I think that's the best I can do.

Thanks again for all of the help. I'm going to go find some coffee.

Freedom1990

There you go. Most email programs have filters where you can automatically have email from certain senders go directly to trash. I've used that handy dandy feature myself!

:ghug3

fourmaggie

DETACHMENT allows us to let go of our obsession with the others behaviour and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives....

*WE can still love the person without liking the behaviour*

AL ANON