Intro and Thanks !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
Intro and Thanks !
Hi Everyone!
Just wanted to take a moment to introduce myself - I have been lurking for awhile and wanted to come out of the shadows. I have been in Alanon for about 2 years now and have been in a relationship with my ABF for about 5 years now. I come from a family with many alcoholics in various shapes and sizes and stages of recovery or not as the case may be.
My relationship with ABF is pretty simple at present - we do not live together or share finances due to his alcoholism. He wishes to move forward on living together but I will not live with active addiction PERIOD. He would need to be in recovery for at least a year first if not more. We are not young - both in our mid forties - I am twice divorced so I have learned some lessons at least ! Being in Alanon has taught me so much these last couple of years - taking care of myself first is the biggest one. Also boundary setting - I no longer allow ABF to drink or be intoxicated in my home. This was tough at first but he has adjusted for now. His behavior was progressing quickly to intolerably toxic so I had to make "no drinking around me" a written in stone thing. He dabbles in getting sober with a some meetings and lots of words with little action at present. He admits fully he is a binge drinking alcoholic and I admit fully I have been a classic enabler and a raging psycho codependent at times.
I take my recovery very seriously and am working the best program I can everyday. Tough going sometimes but I truly believe in my case this is the only thing for me to do - I could not keep on with my former lifestyle and expect to every find peace or happiness! Let alone sanity....
I am so glad to have found this group and thank everyone for all of thier posts. I absolutley love SR so far and look forward to getting to know all of you better!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. You will find lots of support and information here for yourself and we are open 24/7.
Sounds like you are working on keeping your side of the street clean. Good on you!
Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. You will find lots of support and information here for yourself and we are open 24/7.
Sounds like you are working on keeping your side of the street clean. Good on you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
Thanks for all the welcomes. Hope everyone is having a good holiday so far. I plan on laying low and keeping the day as drama free as possible. ABF is out in la la land somewhere instead of following thru on some plans we had - which is fine - truthfully he belives the "plans" at the time but I know full well followthru is limited. My plan A is usually not those plans. 
My expectaions are finally reflecting reality in that regard! I will hopefully get out to the beach tomorrow when the crowds thin out a bit.
Have fun today and celebrate INDEPENDENCE !
My expectaions are finally reflecting reality in that regard! I will hopefully get out to the beach tomorrow when the crowds thin out a bit.Have fun today and celebrate INDEPENDENCE !
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Wow-your bf sounds a lot like my ex. I too was a RAGING psycho codependent, many times!!
I got to the point where I had to give xabf an ultimatum, because his last drunk threatened my physical security and safety. He wanted to water down the ultimatum from "no more drinking period" to "no more drinking around SANDRA."
Sounds like you guys have the latter agreement. I just couldn't agree to it. I kept thinking, whether he's drinking around me or with me or not, there are always potential consequences for me of his drinking. It's inescapable. As long as he is not in recovery, I am being affected negatively. In your example, your bf fails to follow through on plans. This would drive me nuts. I can't stand being stood up.
I'd just always feel like I was being thrown crumbs. Also, I felt like perhaps my departure would help him hit bottom. BUT I did not do it for that reason! I did it to save my own emotional health and sanity. After his tantrum, I feel a bit traumatized still.
I think it would be a while before I'd be ready for even a healthy relationship.
I got to the point where I had to give xabf an ultimatum, because his last drunk threatened my physical security and safety. He wanted to water down the ultimatum from "no more drinking period" to "no more drinking around SANDRA."
Sounds like you guys have the latter agreement. I just couldn't agree to it. I kept thinking, whether he's drinking around me or with me or not, there are always potential consequences for me of his drinking. It's inescapable. As long as he is not in recovery, I am being affected negatively. In your example, your bf fails to follow through on plans. This would drive me nuts. I can't stand being stood up.
I'd just always feel like I was being thrown crumbs. Also, I felt like perhaps my departure would help him hit bottom. BUT I did not do it for that reason! I did it to save my own emotional health and sanity. After his tantrum, I feel a bit traumatized still.
I think it would be a while before I'd be ready for even a healthy relationship.
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