Closure
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
I feel like I've come almost full circle, and NC has been the only way that could happen.
Of course, I get an email out of the blue from STBXAH every 2-3 months saying that he loves me and misses me, and just wanted me to know he was thinking about me. And that he'd like to know my schedule so he can call and "talk." And then I take 2 steps back... (and then I delete his email, and try to not think about it. I work random shifts, and he knows better than to randomly call, as there's a good chance I won't be home or would be sleeping.)
The divorce is mid-works, mediation is scheduled, but he's in such thick denial that I will have to make my own closure. I hope the divorce will provide some of that, but like the others say, I really have to do it myself.
Of course, I get an email out of the blue from STBXAH every 2-3 months saying that he loves me and misses me, and just wanted me to know he was thinking about me. And that he'd like to know my schedule so he can call and "talk." And then I take 2 steps back... (and then I delete his email, and try to not think about it. I work random shifts, and he knows better than to randomly call, as there's a good chance I won't be home or would be sleeping.)
The divorce is mid-works, mediation is scheduled, but he's in such thick denial that I will have to make my own closure. I hope the divorce will provide some of that, but like the others say, I really have to do it myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Set up your email so emails from STBXAH go straight into your trash.
My exabf apologizes. He has bent over backwards apologizing, for being cruel to me when drunk, and putting me in bad situations. but ya know what, since we broke up, he's still partying with lame drunk people. so I kinda feel like his apology is empty.
Someone who's truly sorry for their behavior is gonna make a conscious effort to change it. I don't think he knows what sorry means.
My closure is to try to figure out why i put up with his behavior for so long. Yes I can get mad at him for the things I did, but I had red flags in the beginning. He was pretty drunk on our first date. So, what was *I* thinking? I gotta look at my own role in this, because it's the only thing I can change in the future.
My exabf apologizes. He has bent over backwards apologizing, for being cruel to me when drunk, and putting me in bad situations. but ya know what, since we broke up, he's still partying with lame drunk people. so I kinda feel like his apology is empty.
Someone who's truly sorry for their behavior is gonna make a conscious effort to change it. I don't think he knows what sorry means.
My closure is to try to figure out why i put up with his behavior for so long. Yes I can get mad at him for the things I did, but I had red flags in the beginning. He was pretty drunk on our first date. So, what was *I* thinking? I gotta look at my own role in this, because it's the only thing I can change in the future.
Originally Posted by DMC 
I feel like I've come almost full circle, and NC has been the only way that could happen.
Of course, I get an email out of the blue from STBXAH every 2-3 months saying that he loves me and misses me, and just wanted me to know he was thinking about me. And that he'd like to know my schedule so he can call and "talk." And then I take 2 steps back... (and then I delete his email, and try to not think about it. I work random shifts, and he knows better than to randomly call, as there's a good chance I won't be home or would be sleeping.)
The divorce is mid-works, mediation is scheduled, but he's in such thick denial that I will have to make my own closure. I hope the divorce will provide some of that, but like the others say, I really have to do it myself.
Of course, I get an email out of the blue from STBXAH every 2-3 months saying that he loves me and misses me, and just wanted me to know he was thinking about me. And that he'd like to know my schedule so he can call and "talk." And then I take 2 steps back... (and then I delete his email, and try to not think about it. I work random shifts, and he knows better than to randomly call, as there's a good chance I won't be home or would be sleeping.)
The divorce is mid-works, mediation is scheduled, but he's in such thick denial that I will have to make my own closure. I hope the divorce will provide some of that, but like the others say, I really have to do it myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by anvilhead
I would just never treat someone like he's treated me.
i believe the KEY is to never ALLOW someone to treat US poorly again. to be our own guardian and protector, and to swiftly and surely remove ourselves from any toxic damaging situation. to hold ourselves in high enough regard where unacceptable is ALWAYS unacceptable.
"closure" comes when WE change.
i believe the KEY is to never ALLOW someone to treat US poorly again. to be our own guardian and protector, and to swiftly and surely remove ourselves from any toxic damaging situation. to hold ourselves in high enough regard where unacceptable is ALWAYS unacceptable.
"closure" comes when WE change.
Definately. Definately. You know, I need to put this somewhere where I can read it and see it often. Like tattoed on my hand. Ha!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Great thread!
A shortcut for this is also to remember some FACT that shows the person was not really there for you.
When I remember an instance of it it is easier for me to wash my hands and realize there are much better things to do and think about.
I was also thinking closure means feeling all my feelings without censorship or repression, in safe ways. IMHE (in my humble experience) feelings have not been infinite. There is so much sadness and so much anger one can feel. Its like a toothbrush paste you got to squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze until there is nothing and you can then throw it to the trash .....
Forgiveness to me does not come from rational thoughts, logic or "wanting to be a good girl" or feel superior or spiritual ........ without walking through the sadness, anger, jealousy, regrets, "how could you"s etc etc forgiveness is an empty word. I used to think one had to make an effort to forgive but now I feel more like... it finds its way to you organically and naturally once you accept, name, recognize, embrace, study, transform and release all those uncomfortable feelings.
Thinking aloud here...
A shortcut for this is also to remember some FACT that shows the person was not really there for you.
When I remember an instance of it it is easier for me to wash my hands and realize there are much better things to do and think about.
I was also thinking closure means feeling all my feelings without censorship or repression, in safe ways. IMHE (in my humble experience) feelings have not been infinite. There is so much sadness and so much anger one can feel. Its like a toothbrush paste you got to squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze until there is nothing and you can then throw it to the trash .....
Forgiveness to me does not come from rational thoughts, logic or "wanting to be a good girl" or feel superior or spiritual ........ without walking through the sadness, anger, jealousy, regrets, "how could you"s etc etc forgiveness is an empty word. I used to think one had to make an effort to forgive but now I feel more like... it finds its way to you organically and naturally once you accept, name, recognize, embrace, study, transform and release all those uncomfortable feelings.
Thinking aloud here...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Healing thought: wanting validation/closure from someone is natural and does not have to be on the way to joy and happiness. And the more joy we allow the less imagination and wishful thinking we have, and that can only lead to good things
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