Lotus2009

Hi Everyone,

I need some ESH.... It's been a while!

I moved out of my (now seperated) AH's apt. 3 or so months ago. There has been very little contact (conversations were mainly by email or text and usually about financial issues). I've tried to not think about AH and to push all my thoughts and feelings about him away- I think that's probably part of the reason I haven't been on SR much. It was somewhat working for a while (with a few ups and downs), but the past 2 weeks I've been really, really struggling. I've had quite a few days off work, but instead of getting out and meeting with people, I was hiding out in my apt (my roomate is on vacation, so I haven't had much social interaction other than at work). I had my first two almost anxiety attacks in public when I was running some errands (I was able to use my breathing technique before they turned into full anxiety attacks). I guess I'm starting to become more and more depressed and it's getting really hard to counteract it. I just don't want to leave the apt. or talk to anyone unless I have to.

I went by AH's apt. on thursday to pick up some insurance letters and saw him for no longer than a minute. I miss him and would probably go back to him, if I could - but everything inside of me screams NOOOO when I contemplate maybe trying to be friends (and more) with him. My anxiety level rises everytime I'm around his apt or work area. I guess that's a good thing, my body finally recognizes that this would be toxic for me. But part of me is still in love with him. It's crazy, it feels like part of me wants to just be with him and part of me wants nothing but run away and never look back. It's like a constant battle inside of me. There's a lot of pain and anger that I'm still carrying around with me, but then why do I still love him - after everything he's done, after his cheating, after all his lies, after witnessing all his abusive behaviors?? - It just doesn't make any sense.

I guess part of me is still hanging on to my good old fantasies... "he will finally realize that he needs to get into treatment - he'll get sober and everything will be fine - we will get back together and live happily ever after" ... yeah right! I can't seem to move on. Just the thought of meeting another guy makes me want to scream and run the other way (well, actually the thought of me going back to AH makes me want to do the same thing). Hm!?

Maybe it'll help getting some of my thoughts and feelings out - Thanks for letting me share (I hope my post isn't too confusing)!

safetygirl

I am new here but just could not help commenting. I am in exactly the same situation as you mentally. Fortunately, although engaged, I did not live with him and I did not marry him. We have been apart for 3 weeks and I have been no contact for 10 days.
I suffered immensely for alot of our three years together. He could not communicate, he was lazy, he did not take care of ANYTHING - not for me or himself, he denied me affection, he lied about everything and he constantly betrayed me by putting profiles on dating sites and talking to women behind my back. He is weak and a coward when it comes to participating in anything that doesn't revolve around him. Any single time I have expressed my concerns about our relationship he says nothing and disappears. I have always been the one to run back, dig him out of his own depression and try to make things right. Three weeks ago he did the same thing after I tried talking to him. This time I blocked him every way possible from contacting me, I wrote him an email and told him I would call the police if he ever came near me again and I have done nothing but try to put the three years I wasted behind me. It sucks! I have moments where I love him and want him back and any cost and then I want to strangle myself.
And on a side note - I supported him through 28 days of rehab back in November, and after 40 days he stopped working on his own recovery. He is exactly the same person doing the same bad things and rehab did nothing but keep him from picking up the beer.... which he probably has done again by now. There is no way he could live his mess of a life sober, sadly.
I will gladly keep you company, feel free to email me any time. My heart is with you and I wish you the best.

Freedom1990

Have you attended any 12-step meetings like Alanon?

My first reaction to stress/depression is to isolate. It's horrible because the more I isolate, the more anxiety I have when I do get out of the house, which makes me isolate more, which increases the anxiety...see where this is going?

I have to have a program of recovery and a support network of others in recovery, people I can interact with face-to-face. If nothing else, a 12-step meeting gets me out of the house, I can talk about my feelings, and I always feel better afterward.

Finally leaving the alcoholic is like letting go of an old tattered security blanket. It's served its purpose, but now we feel naked, exposed, and we're not sure how to life life without the chaos, pain, and everything else that comes from living with active alcoholism.

Does that make any sense?

Learn2Live

Isolating feels "right" to me. I'm not sure where that comes from but I know it is bad. Al-Anon is a good way to interact with others that gives you a "safe" feeling.

You may also find it beneficial to seek counseling or be evaluated by a physician for depression or other mental health issues, because this is a very stressful thing for ANYone to be going through.

I hope you feel better soon.

transformyself

Holy Crap! That's my AH! I spent FOURTEEN YEARS with him doing this. Thank The Heavens I found a website about leaving your passive aggressive husband, because on it I found the following four sentences and they changed my life!

I am leaving you now
This is my choice
I am free of you and your toxic behavoir
All is for my greater good.

I recite that to myself when I"m feeling desperate and abandoned (cause that's what my triggers are that keep my tied to him and his sickness) and it helps always, every time.

this is great news!

But why on earth does it suck? You don't feel any better?

Lotus
Try using those phrases when this happens. Let me know if it works.

I swear to you both, this will get better! You need to get a life! You need to learn to love your life, love yourself. I know that sounds like happy hippy crap but it's true! I have created a life, a career, and relationships with people that I treasure and I spent a freaking decade and a half feeling the way you do!

Those men don't love you! They're master manipulators, it's crazy making stuff!

I hope you're feeling better. I hope others come along and give better advice...

Thumper

It is a fantasy. When I have the flashes or sad moments I make myself go through a list of 'real life' versus 'fantasy life'. I spend so much time in dream land.

I dropped the kids off to see their dad. He was sober and decent and the kids were happy and dancing around and doing fireworks and my heart was breaking in two as I drove off. It was so hard. I want that family. That family is my dream and damn it is hard to let it go. Those moments of time (some long and some short) were what kept me in the soul sucking mightmare for years.

As I drove off I made my mental lists. 'Real life' versus 'Fantansy life'. So that snippet in time, that trigger, was part of my dream. The reality paints a different picture. I have to stay in reality. That process of staying in the reality and forcing myself to see what is a fantasy helps me get through the depression. I also make myself do the list for things to be greatful. I have zero desire to meet other men right now. Zero. I don't necessarily see that as a sign of moving on past this relationship.

transformyself

Thumper you're freaking brilliant. I'm going to start a 'Real life' versus 'Fantansy life' thread for support.

thank you!

transformyself

BUT I'm going to start it here, as requested by the mods
Temp Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

fourmaggie

why DO WE except the crumbles, when we can have the WHOLE CAKE!!
WE ARE SOOO WORTHY...I know I am....so...I am looking for the whole cake...

I went to a AA meeting the other nite...support a friend of 7 years of soberity...the chairperson mentioned..HOSTAGE....when he was drinking he took in HOSTAGEs'...that woke me up...we love the addicted...yes we do...but I do not want to be a HOSTAGE to HIM/HER....

that was my wake up call!!

keepinon

When my daughter was in rehab one of the techs used to tell her "I don't negotiate with terrorists." I loved that! The hostage comment got me thinking of that...Brad if u r out there reading this..thanks for that one!

tinkerlocks

I moved out almost 5 months ago with the intention of only being gone long enought for him to realize what he had lost and go get help. Well, 5 months later, he has gone through rehab and drank the whole time and lied about it to his therapist. He told me a few weeks ago that I either needed to move back or divorce him. I wrote a letter to him that I read in front of a counselor. Part of it said, "Moving back in won't help the situation just like moving out didn't. I am my least healthy self when we are living together, and at this time I choose to be true to myself. I cannot live in a home where alcohol is still present. We are the biggest role models that our son has. I need to take care of myself so that he can have a happy, productive mother." It was hard because he cut me off before I could even finish the letter and asked me to leave. He hasn't worn his ring since. Taking mine off is the last thing on my mind. In rehab at family night I learned that when we start setting and keeping boundaries, the alcoholic or addict does not like it because it's not what they are used to. I truly believe that you have done the right thing. This link will take you to an amazing article. It has helped me to slowly let go.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Good luck to you!

Kittyboo

Lotus... wow, I really understood your words. I feel like you wrote what I had been feeling the past couple of weeks.

I wanted so much to believe that I could be friends with my XA after he contacted me, but I had to acknowledge the pain was still there. I had to acknowledge that his presence is completely toxic for me. But I still care for him deeply and miss him. But it's not healthy for me to have him in my life.
So in accepting that reality, I had to cut him out of my life again.... tell him I don't want to hear from him, block him on FB, etc... and begin to heal past it all.

I realized that since I am doing this, I have learned a great deal from mistakes I have made in the past. There were times in past relationships when I would have kept someone around, allowed him to still contact me even though he certainly didn't want to be with me, but he filled some kind of hole in the moment. And usually ended up causing myself pain.
I feel that my XA is the most difficult relationship for me to let go of, but the difference in me now is that I no longer want to allow someone in my life because they fill a void. I want someone in my life because they truly care, and offer me positive growth.
So the lesson I feel I have learned is to let go of the people who are toxic, to respect and love myself enough that I know I deserve better. And to not settle for less...never settle for the second best scraps that men tend to throw me again.

I would bet if you think about your life, you will have learned something from your past experiences and are applying those lessons to your choices now. Though there is pain, and though you feel you would go back to him if he wanted (sometimes I feel that way too) you ultimately know that this is NOT what you really want or deserve, so you are coming here and "getting it out".
I say bravo on the strength you are demonstrating!!!

And your post isn't confusing. Sometimes feelings are confusing. Sometimes we can start a thread with one thought and end it with another. We are just sorting it all out.

Lotus2009

Thank you all soo much for your responses. It always helps seeing that I'm not alone in this - that others either have been where I am now or are currently going through the same thing.

I think I might print this thread out and re-read it whenever I have my weak moments. I wish all of you who are still going through the same thing lots of strength

THANKS again!

HoopNinja

tinker I just read that article and WOW!! it spoke volumes to me. Of course I wanted to immediately cut and paste it in an email to stbxah---but as the article points out that would not produce the desired response. The concept of terminal uniqueness really hit home for me. The ability to lie and not see it as a lie-to have 2 separate lives-that was (and still is) stbxah. . .and the demonizing anyone who gets in his way. I think I am going to print this out and keep it on my desk to read so when all the crazy talk starts I can just read it and remind myself I am not dealing with someone who knows the difference between reality and fantasy.