ajangels2

Boy do I feel duped again. Why do I keep making the same mistakes with my AH? Am I really that masochistic? AH is actively using again..and things are horrible again. I want to leave him and take the kids but at this time I need to get a better job and then move out of the city towards my mom. I know we will be happier being away from this insanity. Everyday there's arguing... no peace anymore. I can't take it anymore, but I have no choice I have to take it and keep going until I can find a way out. I just hope I can hold onto my vehicle and I can leave with everyone unharmed and healthy. Emotionally, I feel like a train wreck. I have my recovery program, I have my meetings thank goodness. Some days of course are better than others.

What I realized this morning, is that AH is only nice and sweet to me when he wants something. Of course when that something is to use my vehicle to go to a party and I say no, I'm a b@@ch again. I finally got the pattern and it sucks. He says I love you but now I see that he loves me when I'm doing what he wants. When his manipulation works he is happy. All he wants to do tonight is take my car and drive some place I don't even know and get drunk. I don't want to go home because it will just be more arguing over the van. Maybe I should take the kids to a hotel room tonight just to avoid the conflict? I wish I had a friend or a family member close by that we could go to. I just have to hang on long enough until I get out of this. It's God's timing not mine right?

Thanks for letting me vent this out. Have a great day everyone.
AJ

CatsPajamas

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's a learning process for all of us. I remember my sponsor telling me "Nothing changes if nothing changes." I had to work thru the facts - my ex was a manipulator and he was going to do what it took to get what he wanted. Period. As I started to heal and grow in Al Anon, I started to change the steps to our dance just a little bit. It changed the dynamics of our relationship and everything around us.

It really helped me to have a plan and goal in front of me. I wanted to get OUT, get my kids out - and safely. I had to make a safety plan for if his temper got out of control - and once I did that I felt a lot better. It was a really good feeling once I realized that I was going to be OK no matter what, and that my kids would have a better life if at least one of their parents got healthy.

Don't beat yourself up about wanting to believe that things have/might/could/oughtta change. It's something most of us do. Our recovery friends are there to pick us up when we stumble. They brush the briars and brambles off our behinds, take our hand and say let's keep going in this direction. It's all good.

nodaybut2day

Remember that this process is part of you learning about yourself and finding ways to detach and move on. There's always a perfectionist streak in all of us that won't allow for "mistakes" or "blunders", but it through these that we can finally say with complete and utter certainty that we're ready to leave and not look back. This is priceless!

So tell us, what's your plan?

ajangels2

Thanks I appreciate the encouraging words. I took steps to secure the money I do have coming in by getting a different account and have my pay checks starting next pay period going there. That's really the first step I've taken. I increased going to meetings this week and it helped with the emotions. Sunday AH had a bad relapse and right now I'm on edge watching and nervous.

So, for tonight. If the arguing continues when I get home about using the van, I found a decent hotel room that won't cost an arm and leg to stay in tonight with the boys. I even thought about hiding the van and the keys for tonight down by another building in the complex. He could attempt to use his van but of course that means he can drink because he has a breathalizer attached to the ignition. He could still go if he wanted to and get a ride. I'm even nervous if he goes with a ride because he's gaurenteed to come home plastered. I don't want to deal with him coming home trashed like I did on Sunday. So, I'll call first to see what his plans are and then make my decision for tonight.

I have been putting out resumes in Orlando left and right and just praying that I find something soon. I asked God last night for a sign that if leaving was the right thing to let me know. I feel like this is him saying here is your sign. While you thought things might get better with the A in your life, nothing is secure and real. Without complete honest sobriety everything in my home with him seems like smoke and mirrors. I'm so tired of living like that. Being alone wasn't always fun or easy, but it was stable for me and peaceful. I long to get back to that.

ajangels2

I wish I could do that Anvil, but my mom is not willing to take us in unless I have a job. She is able to keep the older boys but not the little one because she works from home. So, I'm kinda stuck until the job materializes. I have thought about a shelter, but honestly I will not find peace there. The women in the shelter will hound me because I have a vehicle and because I have a job and I'm a social worker. Also, it is very professionally embarrassing for me, because chances are I will run into people at the shelter that I work with on a daily basis. Just the nature of this business.

nodaybut2day

There may come a time where you will have to overlook the potential harassment factor to safeguard yourself and your boys. Also, if you relocate to a new area, people won't know about your job and you don't have to share what you do with them (or, um, just lie). Have you considered taking a job that's not in your field, just so you can get the hell out? I'm definitely not a legal secretary but it's what I've been doing for the past year because it allowed me to get away from XAH, pay for a lawyer, pay off the debts he put in my name and save up cash.

Just trying to brainstorm for you here...

Also, have you spoken to a lawyer? Perhaps there's a way to get HIM out of the house instead of having you leave...