Not2bforgot10

I am needing (have decided) to break away from my alcoholic, former coke user, mentally ill N (Narcissist). Is anyone quitefamiliar with N's?

I need advice... I have decided against being friends with her for a while (as the board suggested) and maybe indefinitely, but I still have this strange urge to keep her on my Facebook.

I will not look at her Facebook (I promise that), but I ironically have this weird desire to not delete her yet... which I know doesn't make sense if I am not going to look at her page, but/and I guess I want her to be able to still see my page and see updates... (And no, I am not talking about new relationships, etc. because I have committed to being celibate for at least one year; I am more or less referring to general posts, namely on my health and new lifestyle).

I do and I don't want to keep her on my Facebook. I may end up deleting her entirely off my facebook. At the moment though I am conflicted. I need help.

Has anyone ever dated a narcissist?

Would you be willing to share your experience with the breakup and being (or not being) friends afterwords, and specifically, if you stayed connected via a social network, ie: Facebook, Myspace, etc. and how that experience worked out for you?

Just to inform you, I am living with her now... we are 26 and 27 and living with her dad paying rent (Yes, this is very awkward for me; on the other hand, she does not mind it and says it feels "natural"). I want to move back to "X" (another state; my first "home" away from home), and will likely leave on Saturday and head back and look for work... at any rate, this will be the first time that I have officially, physically, left, making a healthy decision for myself, to get away from this relationship and regain sanity, rest, peace, etc. I am very apprehensive simply because I simply do not have a job (I will be staying with a friend for a few weeks) and though I have been independent in terms of money while living here with my N, my N has been my emotional security... I am afraid of the big change.

At any rate, I know that a small thing like Facebook could ruin everything (my progress), so I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice? Also, I know this might sound weird, but I also think if we're not Facebook friends, just knowing this will drive me nuts (I think this is due to unresolved grief on my end) and my grief will be intensified and prolonged. Ugh, "damn if you do, damn if you don't!" Help!

Pelican

Then don't let it ruin your future recovery.

KeepingItReal

What do you hope to gain from her seeing these posts?

tigger11

I've seen LOTS of threads on FB'ing on this forum. Those with experience, although reluctant to "un-friend" their alcoholic/addict/narcissist (BTW, the vast majority of addicts are narcissistic), have been glad they did.

When you split from someone, inevitably they'll use FB to communicate with you in subtle, and not-so-subtle ways. Often, these communications are intentionally hurtful.

I un-friended my almost-XAH early on, very reluctantly, and on the advice of many on this forum. I've never regretted it.

Whatever you decide to do, you've got great courage and strength, and I know you'll do the right thing.

As always, we're here for you.

Not2bforgot10

I guess I want her to see my new healthy lifestyle, and no, not a compensation... real. To me I call it "emotional," or "relational" "sobriety" ...because for me this will be the first major step to regaining self-confidence and self-worth not based on unavailable (often alcoholic and more often than not narcissistic) partners.

At any rate, I wanted her to be able to see my lifestyle and regret what she left behind... that's grief there, unresolved... but yeah... I am angry (grief), and have every right to be. See my recovery blog: Self-discovery: Grieving our hearts and losses after a lifetime of fear… | Just another WordPress.com site You guys are welcome and encouraged to give feedback, as it's always helpful, and I don't have a lot of support right now. Unfortunately I have become isolated through having been in this relationship.

At any rate, I thought maybe she would regret pushing me away, lying to me, cheating, sabotaging the relationship, etc. and actually "man" ("woman" actually) up Honestly though... I lost a good partner 7 years ago due to unresolved, or rather, inhibited grief due to a major trauma in my life, and the loss of the relationship, literally, changed my life. I was (am) hoping that our relationship will be the same where she will notice what she gave away...

So yeah... I really will not look at her page, but I guess I am just not ready to let it go... (I will consider it after hearing your responses). I have blocked many of the functions on the Facebook between her and I, so she would basically only be able to see basic stuff and of course my "posts." But yeah... I am still angry (bitter) and grieving...

Not2bforgot10

I just deleted her from my facebook *sigh* ...and her family, too... ugh. This really sucks, and is really hard. I actually wrote each of her family member's short and sweet (honest) individual emails letting them know sincerely why I was deleting them and wishing them the best with their lives.

I deleted them by the way because I know that Erin will try and get a hold of me and "cyber stalk" me, etc. through their profiles. Anyway, this is so sad... it really hurts me that I have to do this. I honestly feel like I am losing a family of my own... I also am worried about how they might take this... you have to understand, I (and Erin) have been staying (living) with Erin's dad... granted, we have been paying rent, but yeah...

I just hope the family doesn't see me as being "disloyal" or having "used" them, etc. That would be awful... and the only reason I say this is because I am concerned (worried) they might only because they are dysfunctional and codependent and don't always see things realistically To say the least, they are human, and they do not have a calloused rough edge (skin) like Erin...

Ugh. You definitely know someone is psycho if you have to delete their whole family, too, just to keep them from contacting you! Grr. I honestly do NOT want to regret this. I mean, it's not like I can (well, I chose not to) just say to them, "Oh, I deleted you because your daughter would have tried to pry into my life and cyber-stalk me." At any rate, I just told them Erin and I were (are) going through some things and have decided to part ways...

At any rate, I do care about them, and I truly hope they do not take this the wrong way.

As for Erin's profile no longer being connected to mine anymore... I do not know how I will feel about it before long... again, I am afraid I might regret it... ugh. I don't want to feel this way. I don't know why it feels so bad?

doneforsure

Forgotten,
If breaking all ties feels right, then you're doing the right thing. Maybe many people will tell you that you are. It's sooo hard to let go of someone a person loves and it's obvious from your posts that you love this woman. What is right for You? What does your gut tell you? The people that comes into our lives because of a signifiant other are so often very very hard to let go of. We get involved and then it becomes something bigger because we genuinely care and love others that we meet just because of the relationship.Only you can decide when the time is right, However, if you're looking at fb or not deleting that person and everyone associated with that person, i9t's because you're not done. She isn;t going to just "magically" see what you want her to. If you come this far, there are reasons, and those reasons don't change overnight. It's so hard, it really is, to break away from someone that you really love, and their family. But if that's what you really intend to do, and you feel ready, fb contacts will be deleted, in a heartbeat. If you don't, noone says you have be. Noone has the right to judge you, none has the right to make you answer to it. If and or when you're ready to make a complete break, you will. No matter what,express how you feel.

nodaybut2day

Forgotten...I'm only 32 and I clearly remember the days *PRE* Facebook. And before that...well, people just broke up, right? I think it's important to remember this as we put so much stock in separating our online presence from our Xs' online presence. It's all virtual and nothing more. In the end, you are still separating and it will still be painful. Facebook just seems to symbolize that separation with something visually tangible.

I'm really glad you decided to cut ties. A clean break is easier to deal with than navigating necessary contact due to shared children. During my separation and divorce from XAH, I often wished that I could just shut the door and never look back. Having to see him weekly for parental visits just seemed to open up old wounds over and over again.

As for your question re: narcissism, I can't confirm for certain that XAH was a narcissist, but he definitely displayed all the main characteristics (lack of empathy, delusions of his own grandeur, need for appreciation, sense of entitlement, etc). This is a person who couldn't understand the world in any other way but how it would relate to HIM. Consequently, our divorce was a GIGANTIC insult to him...how dare *I* leave *HIM*? When I came to terms with the fact that XAH was not only an alcoholic but also mentally ill, it made it easier to shut the door on him. There would never be a way to reason with him, to make him realize what he lost, or to make him feel remorse. How could he? I don't think he's capable of it...

Not2bforgot10

Thank you guys... this is a really tough time for me, and I am scared more than anything right now about my security. This is a HUGE change. I am leaving the place I've been staying (with Erin at her dad's) and am moving away 8 hours to the town I went to school in... with NO job. I am staying with a friend for 2 weeks. The thing is, the job market there is extremely tight, and I have exhausted many of my options... I am really afraid.

I would love to hear some short spiritual stories right now about miracles, etc. Do you think God, or our "Higher Power" looks after us? I just want to start my life all over, but I am clearly stepping into the unknown...

Freedom1990

I hope that once you get moved that you will check into Alanon or CoDA meetings for yourself. I understand your anger right now, but at some point if you don't let that go, it becomes resentment and keeps the soul cut off from the sunlight of the spirit.

SoloMio

I'm going to tell you that I have experienced miracles in my life, and you will, too. I have stepped into the unknown and have been caught in the palm of God's hands. I would tell you my story but you asked for a short one and I'll resist the temptation of self-indulgence. However, hope is a wonderful thing.... that's all I'm going to say. Have hope for the best that life can give you and release yourself to that unknown--it's amazing how we can't even imagine the possibilities that our HP has in store for us when we boldly do what's right. Keep the faith!

Nerdgirl

I have gone no contact with my narcissistic, dry drunk father - it's been nearly a year. I got sick of him simultaneously putting me down while taking credit for my accomplishments. I got sick of making excuses for him, i got sick of a lot of stuff. My epiphany came when I asked myself if he was someone I would include in my life if he was not a blood relation, and the answer was no. Funny thing is that I don't think he misses me, he has himself and that's all he needs. His loss....