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I cant handle it no more

Old 06-30-2010, 05:54 PM
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Baabaa
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I cant handle it no more

My partner of 16 years is at his worst. He was an addict when I met him but didn't realize it(I was only a teenager). We have three children and I have never touched drugs and very rarely drink. He has been on heroin for three years now and over the last three months has been on methadone, he is still using heroin and has moved from smoking to injecting it, he is also drinking very heavily for the last two weeks. I am in hell. I have been going to Al Anon for support but I work full time and am extremely run down and stressed. I have no life and all our money is spent on drugs and drink now. He hasn't worked in years. Tonight I caught him trying to inject and when I confronted him he squirted the water from the needle into my face, laughing he said "Your face, its only a joke" I had to make sure sure he didnt overdose and have been watching him for the last two hours. He is asleep with the needle in his hand and empty cans all around him. I know I am not in love with him anymore but feel responsable for him. His family are not very helpful and have stood back from the situation. I am so alone and no one knows about us, as I never told anyone. I cant cope and dont want to be in this situation anymore. I know I cant do it for him and have given up on the empty promises. He has stolen money from me, taken money from the kids, he has been extremely voilent and I have had orders taken out in the past, although he never spent time in prison as I have never had the heart to prosecute him maybe because of fear and repercussions. My eldest child asked if his daddy was on drugs today as they had learned about in school. I denied it as i am not ready to tell him. He is only 13. I am desperately isolated,lonely and I need this to end. I cant take this anymore.
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Old 06-30-2010, 05:58 PM
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Ask for help, that's all it takes. Call your local abuse center, and tell them you need help for you and the kids.

And we're all here for you too, whenever you need us.
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Old 06-30-2010, 06:04 PM
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Thank you so much it means a lot to me. Its my first time posting anything its almost a relief to just get it out there. Were Im from theres not many centres fro addicts never mind families but I will get on to my support group in the morning. Ill just keep reaching out
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Old 06-30-2010, 06:10 PM
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If you are working and he is not what do you need him for? The money he spends on drugs could be used to provide a safe haven for you and your children.

You are not fooling your 13 year old, you are only trying to fool yourself. This child has known for years what is going on.

This enviorment is unhealthy for your children, your first responsibility is to them, you are their voice, their future.

I grew up in an alcohol fueled home, one of abuse. I still bear the scars.

Children first and foremost, you need to toss him to the street.
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Old 06-30-2010, 06:17 PM
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I feel like a complete failure to them. They are bright and intelligent and I have always done my best to protect them from it. I wish I had the strength to of left him years ago. There is no one to blame but me on that one. I always held on for a better and brighter day it just never came. I hope soon I will be writing a thread to say we are free from this.
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Old 06-30-2010, 06:24 PM
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Originally Posted by baabaa View Post
I feel like a complete failure to them. They are bright and intelligent and I have always done my best to protect them from it. I wish I had the strength to of left him years ago. There is no one to blame but me on that one. I always held on for a better and brighter day it just never came. I hope soon I will be writing a thread to say we are free from this.
It's never too late to start over, and you are not a failure to them.

We do the best that we can with what we have at the time.

My oldest daughter spent the first 8 years of her life living around active addiction/alcoholism.

My second husband was an addict/alcoholic, just like me.

He was abusive, violent, and psychotic.

He went through rehab before me and went back to slamming dope and drinking whiskey the day he got out.

After I got out of rehab, I never went back home.

I felt safe moving over 2 hours away from him because he was always so strung out I figured he'd never make the drive to where I was.

That move paid off for me.

That man is dead now, buried at the tender age of 47.

I'm alive, clean/sober, and grateful for my life today.

You are not alone. I understand what it's like to live with that kind of insanity.

:ghug3
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Old 06-30-2010, 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by baabaa View Post
I feel like a complete failure to them. They are bright and intelligent and I have always done my best to protect them from it. I wish I had the strength to of left him years ago. There is no one to blame but me on that one. I always held on for a better and brighter day it just never came. I hope soon I will be writing a thread to say we are free from this.
you will be writing a thread saying you are free.
just take the first steps baabaa,
anything will be better than the hell you are living now.

do not waste precious energy on blaming or shaming yourself.
you did what you knew at the time.
now, you can do differently.
do it.

you have the strength, you have been handling this horror long enough.
when it comes to your children, you can do anything, yes?
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Old 06-30-2010, 06:32 PM
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This is gonna sound harsh but if you do it you'll thank me in about a year.

Call the cops on him. He's has illegal narcotics in your house and doing them in front of your kids. You have repeatedly asked him to stop bringing narcotics into your home but he refuses. Call the cops and get him the hell out of there before it gets any worse and some neighbor or concerned parent of one of your childrens friends reports you to CPS and they come and take your kids.

Failure to act could cost you more than you realize.
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Old 06-30-2010, 06:37 PM
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this sounds so familiar. I completly understand. Having said this run for the hills. (You can find me there)...
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Old 06-30-2010, 06:53 PM
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Baabaa
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No its not harsh. I did call the cops last month and they found nothing, he is smart enough not to have anything in the house. Today was unusual in the sense that I found him like that. The kids went away on a holiday this afternoon so he probably was taking advantage as that what he always does. It makes me feel stronger knowing that there is people out there who have been through similar circumstances and have made it!!It gives ME the courage to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to know the difference...
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Old 06-30-2010, 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by baabaa View Post
No its not harsh. I did call the cops last month and they found nothing, he is smart enough not to have anything in the house. Today was unusual in the sense that I found him like that. The kids went away on a holiday this afternoon so he probably was taking advantage as that what he always does. It makes me feel stronger knowing that there is people out there who have been through similar circumstances and have made it!!It gives ME the courage to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to know the difference...

maybe with the kids on holiday, they would not have to witness the whole drama of it all.
he thinks you will do nothing, but you can do something.
hmmm
you have a domestic violence hotline in ireland?
certainly something like that?
or someone in your alanon group can help you with suggestions.

i just had to throw out my heroin addicted son baabaa. I know how hard this is, and how worn out you are. just keep moving, you can do this.


beth
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Old 06-30-2010, 07:21 PM
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yes we do Wicked I called them before and they offered me and the children a place in a refuge, but that would of meant keeping the kids out of school and not going to work. It is kind of like going into hiding. I wanted to keep everything as "normal" as I could for the children and the mortgage is in my name. I realize now it was a mistake not to have taken the place, I was too afraid. But while the kids are away I have the week to put things in place for us. I also have a two weeks off work in July. All i can do is get a full barring order in place which would force him to leave and if he does try to come back he will automatically be arrested and thrown in jail. I know he'll be worse if he is thrown out of the home(from previous attempts he has been hospitalized from overdoses) I think he knows that, thats what I am afraid of but I am beginning to let go of that responsibility now as I cant do it anymore. It would mean the price of mine and the childrens mental health. They have to come first
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Old 06-30-2010, 07:30 PM
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Can you get him to leave, and stay gone? If you can, great. But, if he won't leave, what's the next step?
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Old 06-30-2010, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by baabaa View Post
All i can do is get a full barring order in place which would force him to leave and if he does try to come back he will automatically be arrested and thrown in jail. I know he'll be worse if he is thrown out of the home(from previous attempts he has been hospitalized from overdoses) I think he knows that, thats what I am afraid of but I am beginning to let go of that responsibility now as I cant do it anymore. It would mean the price of mine and the childrens mental health. They have to come first
He is not your responsibility, nor is his addiction.

There is plenty of help available to addicts these days.

My 32 year old addicted daughter grew up around the rooms of AA. She knows there's a solution. She chooses not to participate.

That's okay. Today I give her the dignity to make her own choices, poor though they may be.

Keep posting and get your ducks lined up in a row!
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Old 06-30-2010, 07:40 PM
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In Ireland its called a Barring Order. It means that he cannot come within a 100 yards of the house, he cannot call or threaten me even verbally or he will automatically get 12 months in prison. It usually the last straw as you have to go to court to apply for one, they dont cost that much, but because they are so strict some people get protection orders as this means that they can come to the house but cannot put you in fear. In some cases women have been afraid to give evidence in court as you have to sit facing them in court and the cases are thrown out and the barring order is no longer valid leaving you very vulnerable again. Also if you make the mistake of opening the door the order isnt valid. So its very stressful getting it out. You have to be 100%. I do feel confident after posting tonight but i will definitely be seeking advice in the morning. i need to make the right choices now for us and stick with them this time
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Old 06-30-2010, 07:45 PM
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Originally Posted by baabaa View Post
Tonight I caught him trying to inject and when I confronted him he squirted the water from the needle into my face, laughing he said "Your face, its only a joke" I had to make sure sure he didnt overdose and have been watching him for the last two hours. He is asleep with the needle in his hand and empty cans all around him..
It appears, from here, that calling the police now will give them all the evidence they need to have him removed from your home.

You have three children that need you to protect them.

I hope you will keep reaching out for help.

We are here to support you.
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Old 06-30-2010, 07:49 PM
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Thanks Freedom. I am slowly letting go of my guilt. My partner is the son of recovering alcoholic. His father is sober 20 years now. So he does know there is a life out there. But like your daughter he has chosen a different path. His parents have stepped back now even they cannot go through the pain anymore. He was clean for a period of 3 years so he knows what its like to clean. I know how hard he fought the last time, and how much he wanted it. He doesn't want it now. He ticks boxes with me telling me he wants to get clean but I know thats what he says to get money to get what he needs. Over the last week i have stopped giving him money. I cancelled my bank and credit cards and told him that there was no more money. Baby steps one day at a time.....
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Old 06-30-2010, 07:52 PM
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I do feel confident after posting tonight but i will definitely be seeking advice in the morning. i need to make the right choices now for us and stick with them this time
Yes, this is excellent.
His addiction is his problem, and not your responsibility at all.
And certainly not for your children to continue to witness.
You can do this. Get your local support. You will be amazed how much they want to help you.
I know how very hard it was for me to ask for help.
Once I did, a whole new world opened up.
I will be thinking of you and sending you some Irish-American strength!


Beth
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Old 06-30-2010, 07:56 PM
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Pelican I love the quote by Trina Paulus. its ten to three in the morning in ireland at the moment and he walked out the door ten minutes ago. He is pretty wasted and nothing is open here at this time. I can only hope the cops pick him up. They always take him in if they see him as my local station know him very well. They have always been very good to me and are aware of situtation. I just had a look around the sitting room and there is nothing left behind. I probably should of called them earlier but the shock of seeing him injecting that had me distraught. i have never seen that before. It was heartbreaking but he is almost to far gone to realize anymore.
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Old 06-30-2010, 08:00 PM
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It was heartbreaking but he is almost to far gone to realize anymore.
When I pointed out a couple needle marks to my son, he said,
"I don't know, maybe just scratches?"
Yeah, it is heartbreaking when they have lost all common sense and every cell in their body screams to protect that addiction.
I am in recovery from alcohol baabaa, so I do understand how evil the mind can get.
Having the local station on your side is a blessing.
Praying for you.
Yeah, I thought it was really late for you!
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