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?? about boundaries

Old 06-29-2010, 06:19 PM
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?? about boundaries

So I am reading about boundaries, and had a question that maybe you can answer....maybe the book will but I am not that far yet. I am trying VERY hard to set clear boundaries and I feel I am doing it well....however....if only one spouse is communicating this...is it really even possible to do?? The book says that by setting boundaries growth will occur on both sides....has anyone had experience with that being true??
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Old 06-29-2010, 07:09 PM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
The book says that by setting boundaries growth will occur on both sides....
I doubt that book is referring to marriage where the husband is a volatile, angry, abusive alcoholic.

What do you think?
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Old 06-29-2010, 11:35 PM
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I agree with Freedom.

You are not in a safe situation. Do you have a domestic violence counselor or contact that you talk to about things, how he might react to you taking a stand etc? I hope so.

My experience is that relationship work of any kind is not possible with an active alcoholic.
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Old 06-30-2010, 04:19 AM
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Boundaries work when one person decides what needs to work for them as a boundary, and the other person RESPECTS that boundary.

Reading your story, I could see hell freeze over before I could expect your chap to respect anything or anyone, certainly not any boundary you may tell him about.

Boundary setting by a spouse, often inflames the other if he/she is anything like your AH, and is not a good move when with a short fuse man.

The safest and cleanest boundary for me, when in similar to your situation, is for me to decide when the abuse and misery is enough, and when it reaches there, to get the hell out, or have him charged. In fact my dear lass, I would have gone long ago, for my sake and that of my kids.

God bless
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Old 06-30-2010, 05:03 AM
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mentally,

i just want to make an observation. you said that the book says that growth will occur on both sides. this causes me to think that you learning about, and setting, boundaries, is a veiled attempt to effect a change in your husband. it seems to me to be a horse of a different color.

keep working through these things. they are bringing you to a deeper, crucial understanding.

(((hugs)))
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Old 06-30-2010, 05:17 AM
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"growth will occur"

doesn't always mean that people grow in the same direction -
you may grow in your recovery and your partner may grow in his addiction

In some cases:
We set boundaries, they don't not honor those boundaries, we step out of the picture, out of their lives, they choose to continue on that downward spiral -
We grow in healthy behaviors - they grow in unhealthy behaviors

Just something I learned thru my own experiences . . .

Wishing you Joy, Peace and Guidance - You Deserve it!
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Old 06-30-2010, 08:44 AM
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I would also like to add, having been married to a volatile, angry, abusive A, that when I did stand up to him, I got my a$$ beat even worse.

To this day, I'm still amazed I made it out of that marriage alive. I'm incredibly grateful too.
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Old 07-01-2010, 05:23 AM
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thanks to you who responded you were amazingly correct in what has/is happening....he just gets angry
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Old 07-01-2010, 05:39 AM
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I pray that you are able to protect yourself from his anger.

For me, angry people SCARE me, because in my experiences they are so unpredictable, and recovery has given me the ability to protect myself in a healthy way - either by placing distance between the angry person and myself, limiting my contact, or avoiding them all together.

Don't know what your options are - just wishing you peace, serenity and safety!

HUGS,
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Old 07-01-2010, 05:55 AM
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Have you ever talked to an abuse counselor? I know that we have advised you MANY times to do so...not that you have to take our advise!...but in your situation I think it is definitely the next proper step. Do you need the phone numbers?
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Old 07-01-2010, 06:49 AM
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I expected this MX, sorry.

My dear, how long is your list of things to try, before you send this jerk a pack'n...for good.
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Old 07-01-2010, 08:39 AM
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When you are ready please follow tjp's advice and speak to an abuse counselor..they can help you leave SAFELY. If your boundaries are causing your partner to become angry that is a bad sign.
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