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OMG! I am so upset, hurt, confused..

Old 06-29-2010, 07:11 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Yes, it is going to take some time to make any sense of all this -- if that is even possible. I guess for now just allow yourself the freedom to feel the feelings. Maybe write him a long letter (that you never send) or journal 'til your pen runs out of ink. Go get yourself a gallon of chocolate ice cream and some oreos and a fresh box of kleenex. Stay logged on to SR and just read about all the insanity so many of us have been through. So many have had to let go of fantasies or accept gigantic disappointments. It seems to make no sense now but maybe, just maybe, someday it will.

For now, just move with it and be gentle with yourself. Let us know how you're doing. (((HUGS)))
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Old 06-29-2010, 07:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Katfshh View Post
Thank you. I can't stop crying. I have been through worse,(divorce with 4 kids, and then an abusive relationship) but right now after all the hope I had and trust I put into him, I am so sad. Just really, really sad, and alone. He has been my best friend. I feel like it was all just a big fat joke. I trusted him to love me. I trusted him to stay sober, I trusted him. Right now, I am trying hard to accept this, and trust God. It is without a doubt, a struggle.
Hey Kat,

I have been right there where you are, and that place is the worst, it really does get better. Keep posting, but make sure you go through the grief process. It is tough, believe me, but with the support of Al Anon and SR and your HP, you can and will do it. The first step is the hardest and you know, that you know, that you know, that you deserve better! Right!?

You have everyone here, just about 24/7.

The way I look at it now, is that God sent me a message, he wanted me to start helping myself so I could be in a relationship with the one He has in mind for me.
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Old 06-29-2010, 08:50 PM
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Katfshh, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Good job on transferring your money out of the joint account. Now, let yourself grieve the loss of your trust and continue taking care of yourself.
Hugs
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Old 06-29-2010, 10:03 PM
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OMG Kat, i am so sorry! what a shock. All we can do is thank HP for revealing what kind of a person he really is, u can be so thankful u weren't already married and then he did this and had a one night stand, i think that would be so much worse.. You are in a good position now, miles away from him, still have your cash u invested and minus one JERK. Keep strong, be good to yourself. The right man will come along at the right time, sometimes we just misread our emotions and don't always think clearly. Make a fresh start. Hugs and prayers xxx
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Old 06-29-2010, 10:11 PM
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Thank you everyone. I had my bestfriend pick me up after work we went to a local pub and had a couple of glasses of wine. I am still so heartbroken. I cannot stop grieving and crying. I am so sad. But, I know what I have to do. I just don't understand why it felt so much like the perfect relationship that I have been praying for. And then just slapped in the face, like I am a stuipd fool. I am a good person. I give, and I give. I am hurting. Why do I have to suffer, I did nothing wrong, but love someone????
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Old 06-29-2010, 10:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Katfshh View Post
Thank you everyone. I had my bestfriend pick me up after work we went to a local pub and had a couple of glasses of wine. I am still so heartbroken. I cannot stop grieving and crying. I am so sad. But, I know what I have to do. I just don't understand why it felt so much like the perfect relationship that I have been praying for. And then just slapped in the face, like I am a stuipd fool. I am a good person. I give, and I give. I am hurting. Why do I have to suffer, I did nothing wrong, but love someone????
I have recently spent many nights in tears....not to your extent, I'm sure, but all of this pain and heartache is for us to learn from. Give yourself time to heal, if you have health insurance I would maybe use it to see a therapist...you just pay your copay. It certainly couldn't hurt.

Don't give up on love! That is what I must keep saying to myself like a mantra.
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Old 06-30-2010, 09:50 AM
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Thanks again everyone. About 445 this am, he called. I didn't pick up. Then he sent 3 texts, I didn't answer and then he called again, and left a message about me not answering,andhow rude it is for me to not answer him. His roommates girlfriend called me this am. She said he is super drunk, came home in a cab last night. This morning he is drunk as a skunk. She said, he doesn't know where that girl is. He told her they were married in their minds. OK, Huh? But, apparently she is GONE and he doesn't even know her last name. But, she has his wallet, his credit cards, atm cards are in it and his money. She also has his other cell phone. He told his roommates girlfiend, "now I lost my wife and I lost Kathy in California." (that is me, Kathy in California). His roommates girlfriend told me that she thinks that chick is a professional scam artist. Well, good!!! I hope so. ugh.

OK, Today I am going to take care of myself. I will not answer the phone from him or any texts. I am going to do this day, by day. Keep prayers coming. I need the strength to stay away from him. Becuase when he gets sober, I am sure he is going to be begging me for forgiveness. And I am pretty weak when that sort of stuff happens. I was thinking the only way I will ever talk to him again, is if he goes through a long term inpatient program to get and stay sober. But, I am not going to talk to him to even suggest it. He will have to figure that out on his own. His Son, 18 that lives with him, is leaving to go back to his mom. They live in NJ, and My AH is in NC. So, he will be losing his kid too. What a mess. Thank you all.
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:07 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Katfshh View Post
She said, maybe this happened so you do go to Alanon, because of my growing up with and alcoholic dad, and having a 18 year old son that is a drug addict.
I believe we can find something to learn from just about any experience, and I believe she has a very valid point about Alanon. Will you take her advice along with others here?
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:40 AM
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Kat - Very proud of your willingness to stay strong. Whenever you get the urge to make contact, please come here instead. I don't think there is any need to explain your position. Praying for your serenity today.
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Old 06-30-2010, 11:16 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
i really hope you shut the door FIRMLY on this man and anyone remotely connected to him. THIS you do not need darling.....not when you have 4 kids to love and raise and guide and protect.

Agreed! I would suggest not fielding any more calls from the GF of the roommate either.

I'm sorry you were sucker-punched. I know that feeling too well.

Be gentle with yourself, okay?
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Old 06-30-2010, 11:28 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Thanks everyone. I am really struggling right now. I still just feel so sad. I know it has to get better. But, right now I feel so broken hearted. But, thank you all for the support.
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Old 06-30-2010, 11:32 AM
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That's really crappy what he did. But I'm not surprised because he's just doing what addicts AND alcoholics do. I'm so glad that you transfered your money out of that account. I'd also get my name off that account as fast as possible in case he starts writing bad checks.

This is taken from the F&F of addicts threads, but I think it will help explain his choices better. And maybe provide you with some clarity into his actions.


What addicts do:

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
Your whole situation has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with him. You did not choose this. IMO you were horribly manipulated. BUT you can learn from this situation and grow if you choose to. You can ensure this never happens again.

And hey... what about that al-anon meeting...
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Old 06-30-2010, 11:51 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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This is a crazy-a$$ story. I am only saying that because I don't want you to forget it. I have my own crazy-a$$ story, and when I'd get sad and lonely, I'd try to rationalize it somehow. I hear a little of that, like "they only got married in their minds" and "I'd only take him back if..." Just stay focused on the facts - at best, this man you trusted and loved went on a bender and cheated on you with some bar hag.

You know, many of my relationships have ended in dramatic ways. I think that I was always unwilling to recognize red flags and unwilling to leave sketchy situations. So, my good old HP has had to step in many times to make it so that I had no choice but to leave. I can just imagine my HP shaking his head and rolling his eyes after showing me red flag after red flag, and then finally going, "OK, wonder if she'll leave if the guy if he has an affair with her friend!"
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Old 06-30-2010, 12:45 PM
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Hey Kat,

Glad to see you are still here!

Think of this entire episode of your HP stepping in protecting you from him. He has got your back for sure! You are going to get stronger as a result and one day you will look back on this whole debacle and thank your HP for steering you off of that path!

Praying for you.
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Old 06-30-2010, 12:45 PM
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Hey Kat,

Glad to see you are still here!

Think of this entire episode of your HP stepping in protecting you from him. He has got your back for sure! You are going to get stronger as a result and one day you will look back on this whole debacle and thank your HP for steering you off of that path!

Praying for you.
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Old 06-30-2010, 04:27 PM
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I am so sorry for your pain. I have been through a similar situation...though mine didn't get married (at least not that I know of!).

I'm still struggling to process it all myself. I can start crying out of the blue. My moods are all over the place.

All I can say is if you loved him, it will take time to heal. I'm still working on the healing part myself. It's hard. Hang in there. You found this site and it will help.

One last piece (peace) of advice: PRAY.
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Old 06-30-2010, 04:41 PM
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What an effing a$$hole.
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Old 06-30-2010, 04:49 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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This guy is not only an alcoholic, but is also one brick short of a full load. Please, no contact, let him go, this will never work, sober or not.

Keep posting, we are here for you.
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Old 06-30-2010, 07:01 PM
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Thanks. I have made it through the day without contact. He never tried again after the three texts and two phone calls. I do love him. I hate to see him so messed up. But, I know, as hard as it is, I cannot live a life with someone that is this out of control. I guess all the other alcoholics I had in my life were functional. So, this is just so strange and overwhelming to me. I mean, I have never seen him drunk, so to me, I can't even picture it. Thanks everyone for the support. I have have been doing a lot of crying and praying. It comes in waves, I feel peace at one minute and then I just break down. Just need to get through the rest of today. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:59 PM
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No contact works one day at a time. Do something nice with your children tomorrow.
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