TakingCharge999

I just spent a few days in Oaxaca city, Mexico with my mom and they were wonderful. Holidays! That place should be marked as an effective anti depressant. It was for me at least!

Anyway it was wonderful to have holidays from BF, too.

As some over here know he is not an alkie but I keep posting in SR because I like you guys-ah- and because I see many of my codependent and toxic traits repeating with him.

Anvilhead and freedom, I wanted to tell you I get you now.

For instance this guy is too horney and I'm not. This has caused issues (for him). I told him ok watch XXX if you need. Well he has. In MY computer! Yuk. He has saved many stupid chain stuff in my laptop.

Today I find out he put a MSN book called "All my naughty pictures!" asa favorite. Ugh.

I feel ashamed to call him my boyfriend.

I came back feeling stronger and more supported by my mom now.

So I asked him to leave. So far I had 2 options, either be intimate (I don't feel like it) OR put up with XXX and that BS and then be told its my fault because I don't feel desire. (At least not towards this man).


I take option 3 - NOT be intimate, NOT put up with anyone's porn.
I choose: Sleeping With my Cats. Perfect for me.



Then he tries to negotiate and yesterday told me we would get married. I said yeah right. Maybe if you respect me consistently and got stability and become mature LOL so at least we got a handful of years before even considering the idea.


In a month I'll get some savings. This will give me the chance to pay rent alone. I don't care much about that extra money I'll have to pay, my objective is clear now: PEACE. Daily peace. Silence.


Meanwhile I will do my own stuff as if I already lived alone. Like not washing his clothes.



NOW it is clear to me "playing house" with some guy is a way for me to keep getting stressed. For some reason I am used to it. But I don't need extra stress. I am open to relaxation. I accept it in my life now. I crave it. My soul needs it. I canNOT go without it anymore. I was given gifts I NEED to use (like painting). I haven't painted for YEARS caught up with the problems of partners. My frustration comes from washing someone else's stinking socks. Before, figuratively and now literally! NO that is NOT MY life.




It is funny how I got this, for instance I came back from my trip SUPER TIRED after 2 hours in a plane and 7 in a bus and all the in betweens. "Partner" had nothing for me to eat. Yesterday I came straight from the bus station to work! Then he "cooked" for me: cooked pasta and bought me a tuna can. I had bought the pasta before!! so if it was for him...... all he could offer was a tuna can.. oh wait,no ... i had asked for it... so he had NOTHING for me. LoL.


Yesterday I arrived from work SUPER tired and slept from 7 PM to 8 AM today. Nothing in the fridge yet.

So if I don't personally go to the supermarket, we have nothing. Not even milk.


Now he calls and tells me he will invite the sushi today. Ok. Good.
But I am not saying "thanks!you are GREAT" that is something normal and natural and nothing EXTRA he is giving me.



AND I am not buying food for "US" anymore. How stupid of me!! feeding a guy so he can see porn in MY computer while I'm away !!!!!!!! or wait.. while I'm IN the apartment but in another room!! how could I not SEE? well I see how pathetic that is now. Sheesh.



I feel glad I am taking my needs seriously now ! sorry for the ramblings but my point is that WE always got options... I am so very excited, about MY future.

tjp613

What an AWESOME post!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

You GO girlfriend!

dollydo

You sound strong, this is good. Keep moving forward, leave him in your dust!

canuckch

tired of settling for less, so no longer doing it

I love that! You know that cheesy saying "you had me at hello"? Well, you had me at hello.

hopeful4

LOL at "You had me at Hello"....that's funny.

Seriously, you are my hero. Good for you! Realize it before you have children and other ties that..you are not tied! I envy what you are doing. I hope you and your kitty sleep well! God Bless!

naive

dear taking charge-

i'm at the same point as you: just beginning to identify my needs. my therapist asked me, "who is taking care of my valid needs? who is nuturing me emotionally?"

i couldn't think of anyone. after thinking for a minute, i answered "i am."

in my relationships with men, i always took care of them. i bought the groceries, i cleaned the house, i comforted them, i listened to their problems and tried to find solutions.

all the while ignoring my own very valid needs.

for myself, i require a few things to maintain my own balance. i need healthy food, fresh air, some hours every day alone, and maybe 20 minutes of yoga/breath. i need to have a good night of sleep without being pestered for sex. i need peace in my home, even if it is mad out in the street.

i am just beginning to be able to verbalize these needs, as i have always been so busy cleaning the stinking socks.

what i have described is the minium i require to keep my balance. i am just learning how to make sure i have what i need.

what are your needs?

naive

p.s. i totally empathise with the lack of interest in intimacy when your basic emotional needs are not being met. we deserve better!

tigger11

It continues to strike me that men can have sex anytime. But women need their emotional needs met, or sex seems like a violation. Although I'm lonely now, you helped me to remember how much I appreciate not having to "put out" to a stinky, selfish, abusive man. Thank you!

TakingCharge999

Thanks to therapy I am quacking less and doing more. I settle for less in every aspect of life. My dad was poor as a child and my mom quacks a lot but does nothing. Guess where I learned? but that is them and not me.

It is priceless to realize one is NOT all the sick patterns learned from childhood...

TakingCharge999

My therapist says there will be more actions as I improve my sense of self worth.