New here, in the midst of insanity right now
 

Hi,

I need this forum for so many reasons. I was going to go to a face to face alanon meeting today. But, my ex isn't picking up my son. I will go on Wed.

I have two issues that I am dealing with. My son 18 years old, went to detox in Oct for heroin addiction. He and all of his friends, the friends he has been with since kindergarten, were smoking it. He had a recent relapse. He is now living with my ex, and seems to be doing ok. Time will tell.

My insanity at this moment comes from my boyfriend. He was an ex from when I was 18-20. We met up again on fb last winter. He told me about his history, and how he is an alcoholic in recovery and is very committed to recovery. He has lost a lot over his alcholism. He said, he has to put his sobriety first or he has nothing. We live about 2600 miles apart. We got engaged, been traveling back and forth, he has started shipping his belongings here. All was great. I was so proud of him for being sober. He was going to meetings 5-7 nights a week. He got a new job in the spring, and it took over his soul. He was stressed and upset, and all he could do was talk about how he loved his job, but his boss was an jerk, etc. 6 weeks ago, (5 days before I was going out to visit), I was blindsided. His behavior changed in a flash. He wouldn't answer the phone, turned it off. Then started sending really crazy text messages about 6 am, accusing me of cheating, etc. Well, I asked him if he was drinking, he denied at first. But, he was. Three days into it, he calls me in the middle of the night. He was in jail. He got in a fight with his roommate. He called crying, and pleading for me to help him get out of there. I had no ability to do it. But, he sobered up in there, and was remorseful, and begged me not to cancel my visit. He did get out and has a court date on July 16. He is supposed to move here on Aug 15th. As soon as he got out, he went to AA, got a new sponser and started working the program. He was happy, and kind, and loving. We went back to planning our wedding and honeymoon and such. Well, two nights ago, he flipped again. He turned off his phone, and in the morning yesterday, like clockwork he started sending me really mean texts calling me a cheater, and all kinds of mean stuff. I told him not to call me again until he was sober. He said, "K, bye", of course a few hours later nice texts, then I answered. Immediatelly they turned mean. I put my phone setting so his calls go straight to voice mail. But, between yesterday and today, I have been all over the map with my reactions. I tell him I love him, need him, cant believe that he would do this to us. Then I tell him, to go away, he says "No", then he tells me I am not the girl for him. Then he tells me that I'm untrustworthy and a cheater. The last text was 3 hours ago, he said, 'You can't get rid of me yet." I got a weird vibe that there is another woman. But, I doubt that is the case. I think the other woman is his booze. He must be passed out now. Because no contact for three hours. I need direction right now. I just read some articles and pretty much, I am doing everything wrong. I haven't set boundries and stuck to them. I threaten that I won't talk to him until he is sober, and then I get sucked in to some text. I haven't answered his calls, but I keep engaging in these insane texts. I just looked back at my phone, and we have texts every 2 to 30 minutes apart from 0300am til 1230 pm. Today. Reading them, we both sound crazy. We both say, that we love the other, and then say, we are through with each other. I get angry, and he is nice, then he gets angry, I get angry again. Then he asks me how long I will love him for, I say "forever" ugh. WHAT IS WRONG with me? I know I need to go to alanon. But, for today, what do I do to make my insane brain, mellow out. I know God lead me to this board. I have been praying non stop. I'm thinking I should not reply to another text until he says he is sober? I dont know. Right now I feel like the man that loves me has been replaced with his evil twin, and I so desperatly want my man to come back, but I can't get through to him. Does that make sense?

Thanks for reading.

Katfshh:c020:

Welcome.

Yikes. He sounds nuts. You can't really know a person when you are in a long distrance relationship with them. Thank goodness you found out that he is mentally ill from his alcoholism and no where near stable before he moved to your town and made your home a living hell. Because if you think it's bad now, just wait until it's in your house.

Your story hits way to close to home with me. I was you once. I'm so glad I'm not living in that self-imposed nightmare anymore.

Being in a relationship with an active alcoholic or addict can make you act as crazy or crazier than them. You are not going to get through to him - no matter how hard you try. He has his own demons to battle. He's an alcoholic. He's sick. You cannot fix him or make him better.

You also have your own demons to battle. How are you going to help yourself?

I got better by working a program of recovery, by focusing on my personal goals and values, by setting boundaries for MYSELF. And living by them.

You can get better too.

Keep reading and posting.

Kat, welcome to SR! I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm glad you found us.

I hope you do make the Alanon meeting on Wednesday, and please continue to attend for your own sanity.

Get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Another one I recommend is "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Amazon.com often has used copies for a decent price.

I would also recommend you go no contact for now, including the texting. Trying to reason with an active alcoholic is nothing but circular, frustrating, and fruitless.

You won't get through to him.

You didn't cause his alcoholism.
You can't control his alcoholism.
You can't cure his alcoholism.

It sounds like he's a far cry from any semblance of real recovery and stability.

Let's get the focus back on you, and grounded in today, okay?

Keep posting if that's what it takes to quiet your mind for a bit. I know what that is like to be lost in someone's alcoholism emotionally.

:ghug3

Welcome, glad to meet you, wish it was under better circumstances.

It might help if you break it all down in simplier terms, answer these questions:

What are you accomplishing by talking to him while drunk?
Do you understand that he is in active addiction?
Do you understand that there is no cure for alcoholism?
Do you understand that you are codependent?
What are your bonderies?
Can you enforce your bounderies?
Are you ready to marry an alcoholic?
And, if so, why?

Don't just sit back and do nothing, keep posting, keep reading others posts, and, get on the recovery train, go to meetings.

My Best,
Dolly

Thank you. I need this support right now. I have had a previous active alcoholic in my life 5 years ago. It was hell. He was physically, and emotionally abusive. He went to jail three times for hurting me. I finally had enough the third time. He was a great guy sober, but evil drunk. I can't do that again. I am just so disapointed, because this A was in recovery, and it felt so good to me that he was! I had no idea that he wasn't stable, or was going to relapse. I guess it's always a possibility. But, to me when I committed to him, I was so proud that he was strong enough to admit he had a problem, and to be in Recovery. I feel so stupid though. Because now my heart is broken, and I am so sad to see that this will not be what I had hoped for.

Katfshh, Welcome to the forum. It has been a lifesaver for me. I saw enough insanity before I married my ex that I should have run but I thought things would change. That was a severe miscalculation on my part. It got much, much worse. My advice is to go to AlAnon, keep reading here and don't marry this man or let him move in with you. If you think you've seen crazy now just wait until he's there all of the time. Your intuition seems to be telling you what you need to know. I wish I had listened to mine.

Life is a learning process, we all make mistakes, the idea is to learn from them.

Don't accept abuse, drunk or not...that is a deal breaker!

Were you going to Alanon during any of this?

If you can take a stance like this with your son, you have the ability to take the same stance with your alcoholic fiance'.

My man-picker was broken for a long time.

After I left my abusive and psychotic EXAH, I thought the biggest portion of the problem was solved. That wasn't the case.

I continued to repeat the same pattern over and over for 13 more years, only with different men.

I rationalized that they weren't like the EXAH.

Because I never deal with my codependent issues, I would seek out relationships that were unhealthy for me when I was at my lowest, my most vulnerable.

I was looking for my knight in shining armor.

One of the worst relationships I ended up in was during the period that my oldest daughter was rampant in her addictions.

That relationship was a distraction from what I didn't want to deal with in regards to my addicted daughter.

I finally hit my codependent bottom in July of 1999 when my then fiance walked out on me.

My bank account was depleted, and I was bankrupt emotionally and spiritually.

Please know you are not alone in your struggles.

I've been where you are at, not the exact same circumstances, but I do understand how you are feeling. :hug:

I am the mom of a heroin addict 1(8 yrs old as well) yikes! Been there. As for the ABF, apply all you've learned with your son and "tough" love" this guy right out the door. You have the benefit of distance on your side. Go for a walk, call a friend, watch a non-triggering movie. This is only a crisis if you participate. I would try to disengage for today. Then I would try to disengage again 2morrow. One day at a time. Do the next indicated thing. Let go or be dragged.(Some of my fave alanon slogans!)Hang in there.

Why do you need him? Once you answer that you will know what's "wrong" (your quote) with you.

Why shouldn't he? He's done it to others.

It's easy to get rid of him. Turn off the phone, stop texting and ship his stuff back to him.

This can be taken two ways:

I need direction can = I need instructions. If that's what you meant, then turn off the phone and ship his stuff back, that's that.

If I need direction = I need to set a course for myself in life, a goal and a path that will give me the life I want that is personally fulfilling, once I figure out what that is, so I don't grab on to the first man that seems to give my life definition and purpose, whereever he may lead me, then do the above and take yourself to Al-Anon and therapy.

Why desperately? What happens to your life if he doesn't 'come back'?

And what makes him 'your' man. He's his own man. He owes you nothing.

How about you not reply to another text until he's been sober for a year? Aren't recovering alcoholics supposed to not engage in new relationships for their first year of sobriety?

How about not replying to another text, until you've figured out why you 'need' him and are 'desperate' for him? And how you can meet your own needs and leave desperation out of your relationships.

You two seem like poison for each other right now. You destract him from his recovery work, if indeed he's really serious about it. A big 'if'. And he distracts you from finding yourself.

OK lots of "Ouch" comments there. Is it not possible that when he is sober he is real,and he is a good person? If he had Cancer I would be a bad person if I turned my back. So, why is this a disease, If the way I handled it is to just give up?

Katfshh, yes, lots to absorb here and lots of things that feel hurtful. Maybe a little too much for right now. How about just for today, not texting him or reading his texts? Because what you describe you two are texting is really toxic for you. He is in the midst of a full-blown relapse and you will accomplish nothing bit more pain, chaos, drama and confusion by being in contact with him. Try not to worry too much about what you are going to do about this relationship and just focus on today, or this hour or this moment. Use the serenity prayer as much as you have to. Focus on getting yourself to that Wednesday meeting. Make a firm commitment to make it to that meeting and focus your energies on making that possible.

OK, I hope something I said here is helpful. Be strong, you can get thru this.

would you let a person with cancer refuse treatment?
would that make you a "good" person? allowing them to do it their way?
despite the fact that treatment would improve their chances of survival?


hello, katfshh, my name is beth and i am an alcoholic.
what helped me decide to go to treatment was my career (in the Army) was at stake, and I would lose my children.
lucky for me, that was low enough for me to go.
no one says you have to give up, just get out of his way to make a decision.

i, too, just had to put my heroin addicted son out of my house.
he had 4 years sober (3 years in prison), he was going to college, tutoring other students in math, and doing so well. it is heartbreaking.
I am not giving up, but I cannot watch him choose this life again.

I am deeply sorry for the pain you are suffering. I feel it too.

Beth

"Is it not possible that when he is sober he is real,and he is a good person"
Yes, he likely is a "good person" when he is sober. But he is not sober and the way he is treating you is not good.

"If he had Cancer I would be a bad person if I turned my back."
Not true. First, heis NOT your child and there is no moral obligation of you to stay with him because he has the disease of alcoholism. Second, Alcoholism is not anything like cancer. He has a choice to drink or not. He chooses to drink. People with cancer have no choice.

"So, why is this a disease, If the way I handled it is to just give up?"
You do not need to decide this right now. If you really want to understand the disease nature of alcoholism, you should get a book that explajns it. I did and I learned a lot.

Hey Katfish,

I know where you are even though my X is female. Absolutely with out a doubt same behavior, isn't that weird? I won't go into a long story about what I went through(I think it would make one hell of a mini series). I will let you know that I remember those feelings that I had, and what it must be like for you. Agony.

From my experience I can tell you this. Going to AA is an absolute must in the equation. I have learned so much and just being with other people who do understand, is a spiritual experience for me.

I picked up the copy of Codependence No More, when I was just about at my lowest point. It saved me as well.

Fortunately for me I was saved, born again Christian during the time that I was in my relationship with her. My relationship with God is what is ultimately responsible for my sanity today. I use man's tools such as Al Anon and information on where other people in my situation have been.

I haven't spoke to my XAGF in a month. No contact is one I almost forgot, you must completely remove yourself from the drama, because as long as you continue the dance with the addict, the addiction always wins.

You can do this, and if you want it bad enough and I do believe you are heading in that direction, you have all the tools available for you, so does he, but who is going to use them first? You may suprised to see what happens, I am just looking forward to a better me and letting God take care of the rest.

Katfshh,

I read you loud and clear! My relationship started out as a lond distance. Only about and hour and a half long, but that's still hard to do when I work Monday to Friday. I never saw how severe his addiction was until I got a job about 20 minutes from his house, and moved in with him temporarily. Before, we saw each other on weekends, and his drinking was measured, and only got out of hand maybe two or three times in the year we were dating before I moved in. I know now, from living with him, that it was a whole lot worse. The little things I never thought of before were actually his lies about where he was going and what he was doing. He really started to resent me because I was with him 24/7, and he was unable to hide it anymore. Then I became the heavy, and the target for all of his drunken abuse. I was the one stopping him from having a good time. When we broke up on Sunday, he said it ws because he needed the 'freedom' to go out with his friends, play rockband all night with his parents, and be able to go out and dance. The funny thing is, I never stopped him from doing any of those things. And after all this time, I have been able to decode what this means. All of the things he said I won't let him do all come down to one thing, and they always have in the past. DRINKING. He has never done any of those things without getting smashed. When I said I would try to do them again, without the frinking, he got mad and said that I didn't trust him. Well guess what, I DON'T. I have never been given anything to base some trust on. He just didn't like that I asked him to limit his drinking if he wanted me to be around. I told him that if I saw it getting out of control, I would have to leave. And then the usual guilt trips started. I didn't love him, I was just there because I wanted to control him, yadda, yadda, yadda. Based on what you are saying, and what I have been through the last 16 months, I have to say think very hard about living with him. When I moved out about a month ago, because he was violently drunk, and throwing bottles around, and screaming, and crying, and talking about suicide, I had to pack all of my belongings at 3AM and sleep in my car at the YMCA parking lot so I could have a shower in the morning and go to work. And of course I got a guilt trip about that too. Leaving in themiddle of the night. I was told I was inconsiderate and a drama queen. After being screamed for over an hour, I WAS THE DRAMA QUEEN and I WAS INCONSIDERATE!!! A few days after, when he got in his "sober phase" when he was ready for counceling, and needed help, he apologised and blamed everything except the fact that he was drunk. Last night he sent me a text, saying if drinking was the only reason we broke up, then I had a lot of thinking to do. Well, I was up until 4AM think, and writing things down, and no matter what I wrote, my lack of trust, my anger, my sadness, any event we had a fight, guess what it all came down to??? DRINKING DRINKING DRINKING.

But please, weigh the consequences of living with this disease. I know you love him, I love my Dr. Jeckyl, but I can not live with Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde has hit me, screamed at me, called me all sorts of names, and thrown bottles at me.

Hi katfshh and :welcome to SR! I'm glad you found this place. It's been my rock for the past 10 months.

You've received a lot of awesome advice.

Let me add something to it:
You boyfriend is one whole person...both the drunk and the sober person. You cannot separate the two. Do you love him wholly and completely as he is *right now*? Because that is the only person he's willing to be.

Regarding the disease aspect of your post, as Learning2Live says, there's a CHOICE in this disease. Every time he picks up a bottle, he chooses it. Every time he doesn't call his sponsor for help, he chooses it. When/If ever he chooses recovery, it'll be entirely HIS choice. There's really nothing you can do, say, or not do or not say, to change that.

It seems like you're in a bit of a pickle right now and that you're struggling a great deal with doubt. When in doubt, do nothing. Just wait. Take a few days for yourself, away from him, his text messages, his calls, his emails, whatever. A few days will not kill you nor him. It will however give you some space and time to think.

One of things I struggled a great deal with while married to an alcoholic was the constant sense of URGENCY! Everything had to be done right away, every text HAD to be answered, every plea for help HAD to be responded to with my running across the city with my Saviour Cape on. It was all an illusion I created and that my husband helped reinforce. I thought it was MY responsibility to save him from himself, and that if I responded quick enough, with enough passion and verve that somehow things would change. They never did. They only got worse.

In a way, you're very lucky to see your boyfriend's true colours before you make the big move to be with him full-time and to be totally trapped in his dance of madness.

So: deep breath. Turn off the phone. Go have a coffee with a friend. Do some yoga/read a good book/get a pedicure/do whatever relaxes you and just breathe.

Oyah and keep reading here on SR. :D