Can you all please help me
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 66
Can you all please help me
I am so tired of this I can't even find the energy to type what I need to out.
I had a death in the family and had to go out of town. I can't leave the kids with him, so I had to take the kids. Meanwhile, he stayed home. He didn't do anything. He was called for overtime and didn't go because "he had no ride."
The morning the kids and I left, he had come home from working a double shift...supposedly. He snuck in the house all weird. I looked at his phone and there were pics of porn. Long time ago he told me he used to go to those peep show things where you put in a quarter or whatever. I am assuming it was that as it looked like he was taking pics of a t.v. screen. So gross.
Anyways, the kids and I left and returned 2 days later. He had done nothing the entire time. I came in the house and he hurried and hid something behind the house (I looked an 18 pack of beer). I went into the garage and sat in the car. He walked into the garage (not seeing me) and went to hide a beer...saw me and went ahead and drank it and hid it from me. My rule is no drinking in the house. He knows that.
I went upstairs. He had gone through my closet in my office...probably looking for the money from selling the truck. Before I left, I hid what I needed to because last time we left for days he wrote checks for beer. But he went snooping around.
I can't stand being around him. He is so far gone. Today he left for 3 hours...said he needed to go to an AA meeting to find a sponsor. I know that isn't true. My neighbors say he drinkins behind the CVS in the alley.
So...he has porn on his phone gross stuff, hidden underwear, and drinking in front of me. Which really pissed me off, the drinking in front of me. I felt like he was saying "screw you." Isn't that crazy? But he sat there and drank in front of me? He doesn't do that. I find the beer cans, but he doesn't drink in front of me.
So...I need a game plan. He is crossing so many boundaries and I want him out. My divorce paperwork hasn't come yet, but I don't want to wait. I want him gone. So how do I get him not to come home?
I had a death in the family and had to go out of town. I can't leave the kids with him, so I had to take the kids. Meanwhile, he stayed home. He didn't do anything. He was called for overtime and didn't go because "he had no ride."
The morning the kids and I left, he had come home from working a double shift...supposedly. He snuck in the house all weird. I looked at his phone and there were pics of porn. Long time ago he told me he used to go to those peep show things where you put in a quarter or whatever. I am assuming it was that as it looked like he was taking pics of a t.v. screen. So gross.
Anyways, the kids and I left and returned 2 days later. He had done nothing the entire time. I came in the house and he hurried and hid something behind the house (I looked an 18 pack of beer). I went into the garage and sat in the car. He walked into the garage (not seeing me) and went to hide a beer...saw me and went ahead and drank it and hid it from me. My rule is no drinking in the house. He knows that.
I went upstairs. He had gone through my closet in my office...probably looking for the money from selling the truck. Before I left, I hid what I needed to because last time we left for days he wrote checks for beer. But he went snooping around.
I can't stand being around him. He is so far gone. Today he left for 3 hours...said he needed to go to an AA meeting to find a sponsor. I know that isn't true. My neighbors say he drinkins behind the CVS in the alley.
So...he has porn on his phone gross stuff, hidden underwear, and drinking in front of me. Which really pissed me off, the drinking in front of me. I felt like he was saying "screw you." Isn't that crazy? But he sat there and drank in front of me? He doesn't do that. I find the beer cans, but he doesn't drink in front of me.
So...I need a game plan. He is crossing so many boundaries and I want him out. My divorce paperwork hasn't come yet, but I don't want to wait. I want him gone. So how do I get him not to come home?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
have you tried asking him to leave? not in a confrontational way, but perhaps express that this situation is unhealthy for the children.
of course, we all know it is best to have a plan that doesn't count on the alcoholic doing anything.
if he won't leave, then you still have the option of leaving with the children yourself. didn't you say you could go and stay with your parents? less than ideal but at least it gets you out of the toxic environment.
naive
of course, we all know it is best to have a plan that doesn't count on the alcoholic doing anything.
if he won't leave, then you still have the option of leaving with the children yourself. didn't you say you could go and stay with your parents? less than ideal but at least it gets you out of the toxic environment.
naive
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Sorry you're going through this. It's a hell of a rollocoaster ride, in my experience it doesn't end until you put a stop to it yourself.
NOthing changes if nothing changes. As sad as it is your AH has no reasons to change anything at this point, I mean of course he does, but since he's not ready for it, it's a same thing, so that leaves the ball in your court. What are you going to do?
It's a very simple question. I ask it, as I've learned, it is only the simple questions and simple answers that can get us moving in the right direction. All the rest is just an unnecessary agony that is distancing us from the plain truth.
As much as I couldn't get how my AH can keep doing what he was doing without realizing how wrong that was, I guess in the same time he was amazed with the fact how I don't get it. How I keep expecting him to change when he never gave me any reason to hope for it. In my experience, him hiding his drinking from you in his mind is respectful thing, like he's protecting you from it. They can't figure out the respectful and protective thing would be to stop drinking. They can't do that as that would mean they'll have to do something they're not ready to do. It's a vicious circle, hun, and the only thing you can do is remove yourself from it.
From my experience, I'd say he was thinking he'd hide it for your sake, for the peace in the house, but once he saw he was caught, he thought to himself well he can just as well have it. It's is not personal. he's an alcoholic = he needs a drink.
The way I see it, you have two options: you can either accept him for who he is and find a way to live with it, or you can decide this is not acceptable for you and leave/make him leave (since you're the only one who knows him you're the only one who know how can you acctually make him leave, or leave yourself), until you chose one of these options you're stuck in misery, in expectations of him he can't fullfil.
I really hope this doesn't sound harsh, I said it all in utter understanding of how you feel, I've spent far too many years of my life in the same position you're in now, and I just wanted to share what I've larned and what was helpfull for me.
I wish you well
NOthing changes if nothing changes. As sad as it is your AH has no reasons to change anything at this point, I mean of course he does, but since he's not ready for it, it's a same thing, so that leaves the ball in your court. What are you going to do?
It's a very simple question. I ask it, as I've learned, it is only the simple questions and simple answers that can get us moving in the right direction. All the rest is just an unnecessary agony that is distancing us from the plain truth.
As much as I couldn't get how my AH can keep doing what he was doing without realizing how wrong that was, I guess in the same time he was amazed with the fact how I don't get it. How I keep expecting him to change when he never gave me any reason to hope for it. In my experience, him hiding his drinking from you in his mind is respectful thing, like he's protecting you from it. They can't figure out the respectful and protective thing would be to stop drinking. They can't do that as that would mean they'll have to do something they're not ready to do. It's a vicious circle, hun, and the only thing you can do is remove yourself from it.
Originally Posted by pear123 
I went into the garage and sat in the car. He walked into the garage (not seeing me) and went to hide a beer...saw me and went ahead and drank it and hid it from me. My rule is no drinking in the house. He knows that.
The way I see it, you have two options: you can either accept him for who he is and find a way to live with it, or you can decide this is not acceptable for you and leave/make him leave (since you're the only one who knows him you're the only one who know how can you acctually make him leave, or leave yourself), until you chose one of these options you're stuck in misery, in expectations of him he can't fullfil.
I really hope this doesn't sound harsh, I said it all in utter understanding of how you feel, I've spent far too many years of my life in the same position you're in now, and I just wanted to share what I've larned and what was helpfull for me.
I wish you well
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hugs, Pear123. I'm sorry for your loss and for everything you're having to deal with at the same time.
Do you think he'll listen if you ask or tell him to leave for the sake of the kids? Let him know that at the very least, right now, you and they need time and a calm home to deal with the death in the family. Can you have a suitcase ready - either for him to pack up or already for him by the door?
Do you think he'll listen if you ask or tell him to leave for the sake of the kids? Let him know that at the very least, right now, you and they need time and a calm home to deal with the death in the family. Can you have a suitcase ready - either for him to pack up or already for him by the door?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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I've asked him to leave many times. I talked to my alcoholic neighbors (no longer drinking) and they recommended the talk about leaving for the kids. I did this and he said he no, it was his house too.
Over the course of months, I have told him: to go to his mom's and offered to drive him anywhere. Then I mentioned going to his friend's house, but then he says "It is too small." I've asked him to live with his sister and he said, "That won't work either." I even told to take a paycheck and get a place near work and he can do whatever he wants. He said, "That's not what I want."
If I change the locks, he can still get in through our back slider. There is no lock on it since we put the doggy door in. I could also unplug the garage door so he can't get in that way, but there is still the slider issue.
Another option I thought about is he usually texts me at the afternoon to pick him up from the train station. I could ignore the text. Or I could respond back, but I don't know what words I could say since nothing matter before.
Over the course of months, I have told him: to go to his mom's and offered to drive him anywhere. Then I mentioned going to his friend's house, but then he says "It is too small." I've asked him to live with his sister and he said, "That won't work either." I even told to take a paycheck and get a place near work and he can do whatever he wants. He said, "That's not what I want."
If I change the locks, he can still get in through our back slider. There is no lock on it since we put the doggy door in. I could also unplug the garage door so he can't get in that way, but there is still the slider issue.
Another option I thought about is he usually texts me at the afternoon to pick him up from the train station. I could ignore the text. Or I could respond back, but I don't know what words I could say since nothing matter before.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You could respond back: Text Your Mom
About the slider door. I have one on my ground floor apartment. It has a wooden stick in the inside track. The stick prevents the sliding door from moving in its track.
You can go to your local big box hardware store with the measurements for the inside track, minus an inch, and ask them to cut a piece of board to fit that slot.
About the slider door. I have one on my ground floor apartment. It has a wooden stick in the inside track. The stick prevents the sliding door from moving in its track.
You can go to your local big box hardware store with the measurements for the inside track, minus an inch, and ask them to cut a piece of board to fit that slot.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Can you speak with your lawyer about getting him out of the house during the separation? That is something I could have done in this state, although I know the rules are different everywhere. Regardless of what is or is not signed off on in the actual divorce I could have sought temporary and exclusive use of the marital home and then he would have had to leave, even if I had to call the sheriff to escort him out. It is a much easier process then the divorce because judges will do that with much less evidence/debate then they will make a permanent ruling like with the divorce.
I'm sorry you have to be in such a nightmarish situation. I remember how awful the last few months were here. My xah also refused to leave or let go but did eventually give in and leave a few months later. I think his sister was the one that finally got through to him and told him to move out. He also waited until he got a free welfare apartment so, gawd forbid, he wouldn't have to work.
I'm sorry you have to be in such a nightmarish situation. I remember how awful the last few months were here. My xah also refused to leave or let go but did eventually give in and leave a few months later. I think his sister was the one that finally got through to him and told him to move out. He also waited until he got a free welfare apartment so, gawd forbid, he wouldn't have to work.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 66
That's right about the slider!! Thank you. I remember my grandma having one. I will do that today. I probably will measure the ground level windows we have and get those too.
I was thinking of ways he could get in. If he gets through the back gate, that is where the slider is. It just has one of those gate locks...but I bet I could get a bike lock and push it through the holes?
The train is 5 miles from our house uphill. One I didn't respond and he still rode his bike all the way home. So I could just not pick him up and text him back something. like "Don't ever come home I'm done with your drinking." And leave it at that. But he will probably ride his bike home or pay a gardener $5 to drive him home (he's done that several times before).
I was thinking of ways he could get in. If he gets through the back gate, that is where the slider is. It just has one of those gate locks...but I bet I could get a bike lock and push it through the holes?
The train is 5 miles from our house uphill. One I didn't respond and he still rode his bike all the way home. So I could just not pick him up and text him back something. like "Don't ever come home I'm done with your drinking." And leave it at that. But he will probably ride his bike home or pay a gardener $5 to drive him home (he's done that several times before).
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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The 2 attys I talked to said the same thing...put in the final paperwork he "has 30 days from the date of signing to leave. If he doesn't leave, then a Writ will attach." I guess after the Writ then I call the Sheriff.
But I don't have the final paperwork yet. 3 weeks ago I filed it.
But I don't have the final paperwork yet. 3 weeks ago I filed it.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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Not sure about your state, or your petition for divorce papers.
Did your petition for divorce state that you were to have possession of the marital home now and after the divorce?
My petition for divorce gave me temporary use of the marital home. (My name was not on the mortgage or deed) I could use the home until I made other arrangements.
My lawyer told me that I could not bar my husband from the home because his name was on the mortgage. However, I was advised if he showed up intoxicated - call the sheriff and have him removed.
Did your petition for divorce state that you were to have possession of the marital home now and after the divorce?
My petition for divorce gave me temporary use of the marital home. (My name was not on the mortgage or deed) I could use the home until I made other arrangements.
My lawyer told me that I could not bar my husband from the home because his name was on the mortgage. However, I was advised if he showed up intoxicated - call the sheriff and have him removed.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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Originally Posted by pear123
The 2 attys I talked to said the same thing...put in the final paperwork he "has 30 days from the date of signing to leave. If he doesn't leave, then a Writ will attach." I guess after the Writ then I call the Sheriff.
But I don't have the final paperwork yet. 3 weeks ago I filed it.
But I don't have the final paperwork yet. 3 weeks ago I filed it.
it looks like the end could be in sight pear123.
do what you have to, get those slider stops.
and hold your ground.
you are doing great.
:ghug3
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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When do you expect the paperwork to come in? Methinks several follow-up phone calls are in order.
If I remember correctly, he currently has a legal right to be in the house, so changing the locks might create some legal hassles for you later on. Are you able to take the kids someplace else until you receive those papers? It seems that currently, you have two options: a) live with him until you get the papers or b) leave until you get the papers and then work to get him out of the house.
*hugs* I'm so sorry you have to deal with this crap.
If I remember correctly, he currently has a legal right to be in the house, so changing the locks might create some legal hassles for you later on. Are you able to take the kids someplace else until you receive those papers? It seems that currently, you have two options: a) live with him until you get the papers or b) leave until you get the papers and then work to get him out of the house.
*hugs* I'm so sorry you have to deal with this crap.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by pear123
The 2 attys I talked to said the same thing...put in the final paperwork he "has 30 days from the date of signing to leave. If he doesn't leave, then a Writ will attach." I guess after the Writ then I call the Sheriff.
But I don't have the final paperwork yet. 3 weeks ago I filed it.
But I don't have the final paperwork yet. 3 weeks ago I filed it.
In order to remove him without legal paperwork, he will have to agree to stay with his mom, friend or relative temporarily.
I appealed to my ex by asking calmly for some space. period. No ranting, raving, accusing, crying. Just calmly told him I needed some space, could he make other arrangements.
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Exactly. I asked for the home and gave up the other stuff. So until I am given the home by the court, he technically has a right to be here.
So we are back to where I was before which I am not getting for some reason or another....the kids and I have to leave. But my dogs. I can't trust him to take care of the dogs and one needs meds. My parents can take my kids and I, but not my dogs.
So we are back to where I was before which I am not getting for some reason or another....the kids and I have to leave. But my dogs. I can't trust him to take care of the dogs and one needs meds. My parents can take my kids and I, but not my dogs.
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Yes he has 30+ days to stay here. I put in my paperwork that any visitation he has with the kids needs to be monitored due to his duis and that he can't be alone with the kids.
The one atty I talked to thought that the judge might call a hearing on this. That the judge would want to hear it from my own mouth since dh never responsed to the paperwork. Which kinda upsets me, but if that is the case, then I suppose longer. And I guess I suppose the judge might not sign what I asked for. Who knows.
The one atty I talked to thought that the judge might call a hearing on this. That the judge would want to hear it from my own mouth since dh never responsed to the paperwork. Which kinda upsets me, but if that is the case, then I suppose longer. And I guess I suppose the judge might not sign what I asked for. Who knows.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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It sounds like you are still in Reaction mode. Are you going to Al-Anon to learn the tools you need to learn in order to deal with the alcoholic? I understand you are fed up and want something to happen NOW, but this man is not cooperating and he is not going to change. Unfortunately, you have children with him, which means you are still going to have to deal with his nonsense even after a divorce. It sounds also like you cannot afford the mortgage PLUS another place so Unless you have some drastic, dramatic ideas of how
to get him out of the house, IDK what you can do immediately other than learn how to deal with him and still find peace. It is possible but it means working on you.
to get him out of the house, IDK what you can do immediately other than learn how to deal with him and still find peace. It is possible but it means working on you.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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pear...as for the dogs, is there someone (like a friend) who could take them temporarily? I *know* how heart-wrenching it is to have to figure out what to do with the furbabies when leaving. When I left XAH, I left behind my two cats and knew he'd mistreat them. A month later, he told me to come get the female or "he wouldn't answer for his actions". I found a solution and she's now living with us. As for the Main Coon, I never knew what happened to him. XAH liked him so maybe he's still alive. It breaks my heart but I had to choose between DD and my safety and the cats. I chose us 
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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Originally Posted by pear123
So we are back to where I was before which I am not getting for some reason or another.
Exactly!
You are still trying to get your active alcoholic to do what you want him to do.
Yet, he keeps doing what he wants - drinking.
My resentments and frustrations over trying to control my alcoholic were off the chart. I was always the victim of his drinking.
The truth is:
My alcoholic was not doing these things to me, but was doing these thing for himself. I needed to release my feelings of being his victim.
As soon as I released my role of victim, I was able to regain my power over my own life. I was able to take steps to regain control of my life.
You can leave and go stay with your parents, and you can resent every minute of that time away from your home because you are a victim of anothers actions. OR you can leave and go stay with your parents and feel good about yourself for taking care of you and your children. The choice is yours.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I would call my local womens shelter and any private animal shelters that are around. Leaving animals is definately a reason that women stay in jeopardy. I am wondering if the shelters may have people willing to foster your dog for the time being. How about the neighbors in recovery? If you put the word out, this may be easily remedied.
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