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Anyone have a very very functional alcoholic SO?

Old 06-29-2010, 10:47 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by bluebelle View Post
I'm concerned about the fact that you do not want to see him when he hasn't had the beers.
I dont know for sure what you mean by this. I DO like to see him when he hasnt drank. And I do get to see him when he has had no alcohol for hours. We've done whole day trips on weekends where he doesnt drink until night time.
Some weekends we go out and he doesnt drink until we're home. Those days I'd see him from 2:30 or so until 8 or 9 with no alcohol. Tonight Im at his house. He was home around 2:30 and didnt open a beer until 6 or so.. had a few ( didnt count but I'd say surely no more than 3-4) and went to bed around 8.

I'll admit, myself, that all sounds excusing. But I just wanted to point out that it isnt that there is NO time where he hasnt had alcohol.
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:37 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by incognito70 View Post
if he has drank to much he knows and stops. he never stays up just so he can drink or anything.
As an alcoholic, I will say that is very weird.
There is no "too much" for me.
I will not stop at any time while drinking, no friggen way. I start, I don't stop.
I 've never come across an alcoholic that could stop drinking because they "have drank too much".

Originally Posted by incognito70 View Post

He does. Most nights it does not become an issue of "feeling bad" before he stops. Many times its not even spoken of, he has beer and its no big focused on deal. I guess I was just saying that I have never ever seen him throw up or pass out or anything. But there HAVE been nights where he will say, "I dont want that anymore" or "I had enough" and I always have a feeling its because he's at a point of not feeling 'good' drunk anymore, its because if he DID drink more, he'd be sick.
I've been talking about this at a Big Book study, that alcoholics feel good when they're drunk, in control, on top of the world.
Normal people stop drinking when they're starting to feel out of control. Alcoholics don't have that ability, to simply put down a drink after starting.
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Old 06-30-2010, 08:28 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by incognito70 View Post
It makes it kinda hard to realize how bad/ not bad things are.

My boyfriend does not lie, cheat, say mean things, never comes home drunk, never leaves and goes off with friends, never goes to the bar. I never have to wonder where he is.

He has good freinds, well respected at work, good family..

As a matter of fact? He's more functional than the NON-alcoholics I know.

He works every day, has had the same good job for 15 years. He gets up at 3 am, ALWAYS makes sure he's in bed by 7-8 pm .. never like.. goes out drinking and ends up missing work.

He always comes right home. He doesnt have anything to do with other women.

He's very nice looking and very clean. Showers twice a day. His house is very nice and clean. He pays all bills responsibley.

He never drinks and drives. ever.

He's a good cook and makes decent meals even if its just him home and I am at my house that day ( I do not live with him).

He's very sweet, affectionate and thoughtful to me and my kids.

He's just... honestly very perfect. Very responsible. . Aside from the beer attached to his hand.

But even after I know he's had 8 beers or so? He isnt annoying or loud or slurry or stumbling.. he doesnt get overly all, "Oh gaaawd I love yooou" like some drunks are. He never gets mean. He doesnt get mouthy. Just... nothing, almost nothing is different. If I had to pick something that changes its that he'll tell the same stories.


I wonder why he choses to drink? Habit? I wonder how things would change if he quit.

He has told me he wants to. He didnt drink one night and he told me how good and clear headed he felt the next day. He has very good control, meaning, he doesnt drink at all during the day all week. he quits when its bedtime. if he has drank to much he knows and stops. he never stays up just so he can drink or anything.

Does anyone else have an alcoholic SO like this? I want him to quit because.. you just cant drink that much every. single. day for 25 years and have no medical consequences.

But Im kind of scared it might change him.
I'll be brutal here: I simply don't believe you. You list all these wonderful things about your man and yet you are typing on a recovery site instead of beeing there enyoing all the beautiful things this man does for you.

Till you are not 100% honest, nobody can help you even yourself.
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Old 06-30-2010, 08:46 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Round, that's what I was trying to get at. He doesn't seem like an "addict"
But there is always that knee-jerk reaction to "you're a codie, leave him, he'd a drunk, it's progessive and will get worse". That is such BS!
Not everyone who drinks is an addict.

This guy sounds like a great guy (from what I read in this post, I've not read in details the OP's other posts)
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Old 06-30-2010, 09:22 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Adepitice View Post
I'll be brutal here: I simply don't believe you. You list all these wonderful things about your man and yet you are typing on a recovery site instead of beeing there enyoing all the beautiful things this man does for you.

Till you are not 100% honest, nobody can help you even yourself.

I am being honest and I do enjoy my time. Every day I feel great love from him and that has caused me to feel great love back. I care about his health and I care that the kids dont learn bad lifelong habits.

After spending an entire week and a half at his house last week, I was home for a few days, the kids happened to be with their gramma and I had time to delve deeper into finding out information about this.

I spent last night at his house.. still there now. I checked and posted after he had gone to bed and he's at work now.

Its all a little bit confusing because on the one hand what you just said makes me feel like "Hey, if he's so great, who cares if he drinks beer. If he really does all those good things.. enjoy it".

Other posts would have me believe "Hey, he's an alcoholic, run!"

Im admitting honestly, Im very torn. He really IS everything I have said, yet he really does also drink beer every day.
I dont care and aint arguing whether he really is an addict or not. I know that this amount of beer cant be good for his health and it cant be good for children to see someone crack a beer every day after work. Maybe Im just being picky.
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Old 06-30-2010, 09:31 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I remember well when Mel was in her "functional stage". She however moved quickly into non functional and that story has a pretty crappy ending. But that's not the only ending.

I know lots of people who have a glass of wine with dinner or one cocktail/beer every night but would not call them addicts.

I'm curious and forgive me if it's already been answered, just how many beers does he drink a night?
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Old 06-30-2010, 09:32 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Now you're getting somewhere.

It really doesn't matter if he's an alcoholic or not. And there's no way a bunch of people on the internet can tell you whether he is. What matters is what you want in your life. I would venture to guess that most of us were/are in relationships with people who had both good and bad traits. In my case, my husband definitely progressed from "not so bad" to totally unacceptable. That's not to say everyone who drinks will.

The problem for me was that I compromised my values. In the beginning, only a little bit. But, as time went on, I accepted more and more unacceptable behavior. Have you heard the story about the frog in the pot of water? That was me.

So, the key question here is not whether he is an alcoholic, heavy drinker, alcohol abuser, or whatever. The key is what are you willing to accept in your life. If drinking every day is unacceptable to you, you have every right to feel that way. There's nothing wrong with "being picky" when it comes to a partner. In fact, I wish I had been a lot more picky. The rub is, you don't get to change him. You can only decide if he is who you want based on who he is, not who you wish him to be.

L
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:13 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by incognito70 View Post
Maybe Im just being picky.

No! Hold on tight to your values. Do not let anything compromise them. Don't you think this might be the crux of your unease? Trying to ignore that little voice inside? The answers to your questions here, or about the future, are unknown but to get rid of the unease you have to walk through it, values intact.

You are addressing that unease, that little voice inside, right now. Keep moving in that direction and you'll be fine.

You can't predict the future or read his mind. You can only honor that little voice inside, and work hard at letting your values lead you and trust that they will get you to the right place.

It was a switch for me because what I had done was make a picture of the 'right place' with all the 'right characters' in my mind and that vision was leading me - and I was compromising values left and right. Let go of the outcomes. Do the right thing for your inner voice today, and again tomorrow, and again the next day. It will lead you. Take your time. You don't have to act this instant.
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Old 06-30-2010, 11:47 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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My AH at one time could have been described as a very functional alcoholic. In fact - the first seven years of our marriage he rarely drank at all and would leave beer in the frig unopened for weeks, only drinking it when we had guests.

For my husband, the change from casual drinker to alcoholic started when he began drinking a few beers after work everyday with a new neighbor. In a short time, my AH drinking “a few beers” became his priority.

Something significant in my husband had changed during this time. On the surface it appeared to be social drinking. It was hard to put a finger on - but a dynamic in our relationship was altered. When I looked back over the years - this was the time my AH subtly crossed over to addiction.

Under the pretention of social drinking, he had in fact quickly developed an obsession for alcohol in his life. The difference was that having a few beers no longer became a casual “take it or leave it” attitude ... it became a necessity for him every evening. There became more and more incidents he would become offensive and obnoxious after these “few beers”. It quickly became clear, those few beers became his daily focal point.

To put it simply, I did not like the person he became when he drank. The very essence of who he was changed when drinking those “few beers”. He would become too giddy .. or too overbearing ...or would get obnoxious ... and many times would become nasty or rude for no reason.

Whether I was unhappy or not with this offensive behavior seemingly no longer made a difference to him. In a matter of a few weeks, nothing could stop his nightly drinking of “a few beers”. He was not himself many nights when he drank. Most importantly - in hindsight I realized I had moved to into second place in our relationship - alcohol became number one.

For many, many years he kept up the pretense of casual daily beer drinking. He drank far more than he openly displayed ... always trying to convince me that I was just imagining his strange offensive behaviors. Eventually, he could no longer hide his addiction, he grew worse, he grew angrier and less giddy... all while living in denial. Finally all this took its toll and ended tragically with his many alcohol related illnesses and eventual death.

For me, after years of trying to understand what went so wrong ... I learned that for my AH, those “few beers” changed who he was, changed his priorities, changed the way he treated me. He was once a person that never lied, yet became someone that lied to me everyday about his drinking. That is the core of what made drinking for him unacceptable. It changed him in very negative ways. Yet nothing anyone could say or do could change his self destructive direction.

Not everyone that drinks daily becomes obsessed with drinking .. or becomes offensive or obnoxious ...and repeatedly engaging in hurtful or negative behaviors that damages their lives and relationships. He may be one of those rare lucky few that have a few beers just to relax everyday without transforming into someone else - someone other than being the good decent person you have come to know and love. The distinction can be difficult - but only one you can make.

Keep coming back and reading... this forum is filled with knowledge and wisdom. The more you understand, the easier it will be to find peace in your choices.
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Old 06-30-2010, 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
Round, that's what I was trying to get at. He doesn't seem like an "addict"
But there is always that knee-jerk reaction to "you're a codie, leave him, he'd a drunk, it's progessive and will get worse". That is such BS!
Not everyone who drinks is an addict.

This guy sounds like a great guy (from what I read in this post, I've not read in details the OP's other posts)
I know, slightly envious haha He seems pretty great
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Old 06-30-2010, 04:10 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Now you're getting somewhere.

It really doesn't matter if he's an alcoholic or not. And there's no way a bunch of people on the internet can tell you whether he is. What matters is what you want in your life. I would venture to guess that most of us were/are in relationships with people who had both good and bad traits. In my case, my husband definitely progressed from "not so bad" to totally unacceptable. That's not to say everyone who drinks will.

The problem for me was that I compromised my values. In the beginning, only a little bit. But, as time went on, I accepted more and more unacceptable behavior. Have you heard the story about the frog in the pot of water? That was me.

So, the key question here is not whether he is an alcoholic, heavy drinker, alcohol abuser, or whatever. The key is what are you willing to accept in your life. If drinking every day is unacceptable to you, you have every right to feel that way. There's nothing wrong with "being picky" when it comes to a partner. In fact, I wish I had been a lot more picky. The rub is, you don't get to change him. You can only decide if he is who you want based on who he is, not who you wish him to be.

L

This is a very good response! I agree.
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Old 06-30-2010, 04:30 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I've always said that the term "functioning alcoholic" is an oxymoron.
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Old 06-30-2010, 05:11 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
Round, that's what I was trying to get at. He doesn't seem like an "addict"
But there is always that knee-jerk reaction to "you're a codie, leave him, he'd a drunk, it's progessive and will get worse". That is such BS!
Not everyone who drinks is an addict.

This guy sounds like a great guy (from what I read in this post, I've not read in details the OP's other posts)
Great people can still be alcoholics.

XABF fit the OP's list to a T, and there's no question he's an alcoholic. He's a functional, responsible alcoholic, but still, an alcoholic.

I have no idea how bad it will get though, because I won't be around to watch it.
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