Anger Issues
 

Hi everyone...I finally made it to my alanon meetings this weekend...I feel much better...I figured out what is bothering me, and unsure of what to do about it. I'm very angry at AH...We have a child so I do have to talk with him on occasion...I keep it as short as possible. But the few times we have discussed issues, I have been very mean to him...I'm not proud of it...In fact a bit ashamed...Because I am not a mean person. I try to live the golden rule..I'm usually good at Killing people with kindness, but :a108: When he starts giving excuses....His big saying lately is that this is not what his intentions were...He didn't intend for any of this to happen...That doesn't change the fact that he has destroyed our family.....

How do I let go of this? He's gone...This is how I want things to be....But I want to get to that point of indifference.....I'm consumed with the hurt and anger....I don't want to kill him or anything...lol....But I need some advice on how to work through this...

My qualifier is my daughter and my anger shifted one day in therapy. I was telling my therapist how angry I was about something, and then he shocked me when he said "and you're more angry with yourself for allowing it."

Only you can decide if this applies to your situation, but it sure was the truth for me. I ended up laughing out loud on the drive home when I thought about him busting my chops. Reminded me of that saying "when you point a finger at someone, three fingers point back at you."

I learned all of my emotions were there for the good reason, including the ones I disliked having and wanted over with ASAP, as I considered them to be negative, as they made my pain even worse. I found out I can learn from my emotions, if I face them with openess and honesty. If I answer all the why questions. But why questions about me, not my AH.
It's a process, hard one, but worhtwhile.
I'm afraid there is no shortcut through this process, but it can be a learning experience, and what you learn from it is how to be happy again, as you finally realize your happiness is internal thing. For me the big step in a good direction was to stop blaming my AH for my unhappiness. His actions were making me miserable in my life, so I had to decide whose fault was that: his for doing it, or mine for letting it happen. With first desicion I'm stuck in misery and can't do anything about it, but if it's second than there is so much I can do about it and move on.
Also, very important for me was to let go of what I considered normal and right and moral in terms of how other people should behave to me, and I started only doing things that were right and good to me. So to say I let go of expectations and went for action instead, but action in regard of things I can control.
That freed me of my resentment and anger, and that is something I'm very grateful for in my life.
Judging by what you said I think even though he's out of your life you still have expectations of him, that you kind of expect him to change something that has happened or gives you some kind of appology that will make it all up, but you know there is no that kind of appology, nothing he can do or say to change it, and I think you know it and it's making you angry. So IMHO the only way for you to move on is to stop expecting anything of him, even more to stop holding him responsible, as it is only hurting you.
I guess it's a forgivness thing, forgiving doesn't mean forgeting, but it means setting yourself free.
This is my honest opininon, and I really hope it is not too much for you at this point, and i really hope you might consider it.

For me, I've found writing it down helped me get it out. I'd started writing a journal, but I've found it much easier to get it all out if I write a letter to my STBXAH, writing down what I felt about him, his excuses, his lies; every thing he did that hurt me, or angered me... A letter that I will never mail. When it was cold and we had a fire going, the letter would go into the fireplace.

Wow...Not exactly what I expected to hear...But Chino....It makes perfect sense...I allowed this to happen....Again...I allowed this to happen....I've said it out loud about 50 times....Thank you....I honestly hadn't realized...Guess I was too busy blaming him....

And sesh....You wrote a bookful of stuff in those two little paragraphs...I didn't think I was still expecting anything of him, but maybe I am...And you are right...There is nothing he could say or do that would fix this....Absolutely nothing....Forgiveness??? Hopefully I will get there....You have given me much to think about.....So..I'm going to go figure this out...It's me...not him.