HealingWillCome

My friends/family aren't available to talk right now and I am falling apart at the moment.

Just saw XABF and his live-in GF pack up to go camping while I was out mowing my lawn. A couple of weeks ago I posted that he had contacted me, saying..."She is NOT the person I want to be with. This will be over VERY SOON. All I think about is you and how I want us to be together. I am in AA and have a sponsor." On and on and on.

I told him not to contact me becuase it was wrong for him to be with her and be telling me how much he loves me. I haven't heard from him since.

Inside, I wanted to believe him, that he really was ending it with her. And that he wanted me. It's not that I even want to be with him anymore. I don't. I just wanted to believe that he didn't want to be with her, and that his love for me wasn't all a big lie.

I wanted to believe him. It is still sometimes hard for me to understand that any human has the ability to hand out powerful words that mean nothing in the end. Those words are crushing when the person's actions don't match the words.

I get that I don't need his love. I get that I deserve honor and respect in a relationship. It is why I left him to begin with. IT JUST HURTS and right now I'm feeling it terribly. The lies are so painful.

PieRat

I do not know what to say healing other than you are in a better place. One day nothing like this will bother you much. It hurts now yes, but in the end it will be worth it. You can be you now, and not have to worry about the XABF anymore. Keep NC, and try to avoid him contacting you.

Just remember there is a season for everything. You are still hurting, but this too shall pass. Like a bad burrito you know...it is a terrible journey but it will clean you out and make you feel 100% better once it is all over with.

Hammerhead

Remember actions not words... that's how they keep us sucked into their drama... you are 'seeing' what he wants to do and that does suck. I'm thinking a little further on down the road tho... there will be a time when what he does or says will not matter... you will have healed.

Remember some one asking... when will this stop? It stops when WE want it to. When you've bloodied your heart and soul enough... you will stop... stop believing what he says or does.

Believe in yourself... Love yourself... now that is a real investment of your time and effort.

Actually you do need love... just not this 'kind' of love.

Self love on the other hand..... makes you strong and self confident...

Healing Will (definitely) Come ... give it just a lil more time.

((Big hugs))

*Ditto PieRat on the burrito

HealingWillCome

Thanks you guys. I am breathing easier right now.

I realized in my misery today that HE has no idea that I am miserable. I am the one who let him go, I didn't bite when he tried to lure me back in, and I asked him to not contact me anymore.

As far as he is concerned, I have moved on and am feeling no pain. I am proud of myself for that, but I also have to accept that I SENT THE MESSAGE that I don't care. Therefore...of course he is going to keep her around, even if he is using her, because he can't stand to be alone. If it weren't her, it would be someone else. It proves his lack of respect for others...it is about meeting his insecure needs.

Today, and nearly every day really, I let myself get worked up about his words not matching his actions. I hate that I do it, but I haven't learned yet how to get past that point. I still remember the good in him and the hope we had for a healthy future. I still struggle with fantasy versus reality.

But, I love what you said, Hammer, about the pain stopping when WE want it to. When we've bloodied our hearts and souls enough. I pray that I can allow that day to come sooner than later for me. When I start believing in me more than empty words from him. Some days I think I'm there. Other times (like today) I want to curl up, fall asleep, and not wake up.

Thank you, PieRat, for reminding me that one day I won't care. I know that it's true and I know this is a better place. I'll never think about burritos the same way, BTW.

Thanks for your encouragement...I am calmer, breathing easier.

Thumper

You might like this post. I read it many many times. I'm having some issues with the link. If it doesn't work it is in the recovery section of the stickies at the top of this forum.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

HealingWillCome

Thanks, Thumper. I read it and bookmarked it. Some of it is hard to read, even if many of the points listed are ones that I have already reached. There are a few that are going to take some time. Good stuff...just hard to accept.

tjp613

Healing - I was in a place very similar to that at one time....and for a long time. I just tortured myself trying to figure him out. Didn't understand how we could be sooooo close when we were 'together' but he had a penchant for other women the whole time we dated (soooo sick that I stayed). His words were perfect but his actions were perfectly insane. I had a real hard time figuring it all out. Guess I was just plain naive. Then a friend said something to me that finally struck a nerve: "He simply doesn't have the capacity to 'love' the way you do." When I realized that not everyone operates on the same level of emotional intelligence that I do, that he's not necessarily "evil" or "sick"..... he just didn't have it in him....when I realized that it was much easier for me to forgive him and release him to continue on his own path.

I know how much you're hurting. I understand and I'm sorry. Trust me when I say that you will be better and stronger for the lessons learned here.

Be well. (((Hug))))

HealingWillCome

Thank you, tjp. Someone told me the same about my X's capacity to love. When I consider his background, it is understandable (he had two alcoholic parents who were never available physically or emotionally because they were always in the bar, so he raised himself and two siblings, he had a very violent father, and has used drugs and alcohol himself since age 13).

The amazing part is the way he functions in his professional and public life. He is highly respected and excels in his profession (helping youth). This is where I met him and how I got to know him. He hid his addictions from me for the better part of our first year together.

A few months after we met, he took a job as a part-time bartender, and a different picture started to unfold. I guess you could say the real him showed up. After a year, he confessed to his drug use and addiciton, but at the same time, he "wanted change and wanted me to be a part of it." He tried with counseling and quitting cold turkey but it didn't happen.

For the next year, I was 2nd place to the addictions, and just decided I couldn't do it anymore. It was too painful and my self-respect and dignity took over.

You said it well, tjp...not everyone operates on the same level of emotional intelligence. Such a hard concept for me to accept right now, because I know the desire is in him...he just doesn't know how, and nothing I can do can repair that for him, certainly not love alone.

He told me so many times in his long emails how much he misses my love. The problem is that he doesn't get that I need to have the same kind of love back. He doesn't know how to give on that level.

Thanks for your encouragement. It is comforting.

tjp613

This was the hard part for me.... realizing that I was powerless to "help" him. But boy, did I try!! For 3 years I struggled to make him into something he just wasn't ever going to be. It was so hard to let go of the fantasy! I hate to think where I'd be now if I had not let go all those years ago....

What I have learned is this: If you cannot accept your mate exactly as they ARE right now, without the prospect of changing a thing, then it's time to part ways. Otherwise you will both be miserable and bitter.

These are the experiences that will shape you into a wise and wonderful woman. Try to accept the lessons as they are given to you, even with a sense of gratitude, and just keep flowing along on the river of life without trying to struggle against the current. You may even notice that the water is refreshing and the scenery is quite beautiful.

JenT1968

you are moving forward, you are seeing the truth and dealing with it, and that is painful, but oyu aren't hiding from that, which deserves much praise, and you should feel rightfully good about yourself for that too.

There is gratitude to be found in this experience. Think of his present GF, the one who has no idea yet that he is using her, lying about and to her, on the lookout for someone better, in both his past and his future. She is still living a lie, she may have the first uncomfortable inklings and self doubt, she has all the pain you have been through so far to come. Be very glad you are not her.

dkaye26

I am having a rough weekend. It's been about a month and a half after breaking it off with aexb. I might have called it quits, but it's b/c he left me no choice...if I wanted any dignity. Somedays I'm ok. Today, I feel deeply depressed.

I've had a very hard time thinking of all the kind and wonderful gestures and words, and then thinking of the horrible treatment, insults, and no doubt other women. My ex has moved on to someone else, too. I feel completely wounded and find myself not liking men. I find myself observing them and thinking they all have secrets.

I cannot understand the lack of capacity for love, but my ex isn't capable either. He lied about his past too. Alcoholism is in his family big-time. I was very naive. I believed that he loved me and now I know it was all an act. That's hard to take.

Wish I had more words of advice, but I am struggling a lot myself. I guess all I can say is that you aren't alone.

I wonder: Do they ever really "get" the damage they have done to another human being? Sadly, I doubt it. In the end I told him he feels nothing—and I feel everything. Unfortunately.

Thanks for listening...

HealingWillCome

Tjp, thanks. Today, I have really FORCED myself to set the depression aside and stay busy. I am feeling that gratitude at the moment and it's a relief.

After a busy day around our house and in the yard, these are the things that I am thanking God for:

1) A nice home
2) The BEST neighbors (who, BTW, think XABF should pack up and move away from here)
3) Beautiful weather
4) Sunshine, clean air, trees, flowers, green grass, birds
5) Three truly beautiful and amazing daughters
6) A sense of peace, no matter how small, that I didn't feel yesterday

And, I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep after this busy day we are having.

And, a few times today, I caught myself thinking "What a fool...he gave all this up!!!!!!! He had his chance and didn't appreciate what it could have been -- ME, my girls, our home, our neighborhood, the fun we have here!" His illness has him choosing the party life and a GF he doesn't care about who has no clue what she is in for.

I miss him, but today, I am seeing what HE GAVE UP, instead of mourning what I lost.

HealingWillCome

Thank you, Jen, for your encouragement and for the pat on the back! I needed that!!!

Especially, thanks for the reminder about the present GF. It is very easy to get my mind wrapped around how great things must be for them, when in fact, it can't be. Their relationship was formed around drinking, drugging, sex... AND as you pointed out, she has to face the same pain at some point...once the lies start to unfold for her.


DKaye, I truly feel for you right now and have said some prayers for you. It is just not easy. I also wonder if they ever "get" how they hurt others so deeply. From what I have learned at SR, probably not while the addiction is active. The drugs/alcohol are priority #1.

Something I have had to face (like a huge painful kick in the gut) is that my X hurts over our breakup, but he hurts for HIMSELF...not at all because he has hurt ME. He knows what he has lost. He acknowledged all of it in two long emails to me. But was there even one sentence acknowledging my pain? Nope.

Can you pick yourself up and force yourself to do something today? Anything that will force you to focus on something besides the sadness? It even helps me to do housework...never really fun...but it keeps me busy, and it feels so great when it's done. It makes me appreciate what I have.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I KNOW the pain. Today is a better day for me because I have literally FORCED myself to participate in life! And it has helped. Take care of yourself, DKaye. You can do it!

theuncertainty

I love that insight! I am constantly amazed by what alcoholism takes away from the alcoholic.

dkaye26

I really appreciate the words of encouragement. I took my son to church, and out to eat, but afterward there was just a dull sadness to my demeanor. I finally snapped myself out of it later today. I'm taking Wellbutrin as I have for a number of years. Normally it works fine, but I've realized this kind of relationship is especially detrimental to a person like me. The whole thing has sent me into a depressive episode before. I'm going to the doctor Tuesday.

Again, thank you. I know their pain is yet to come—or buried deep within—but ours/mine is just so real and now. I wish I had a means of escape! Alas, I don't have an addictive bone in my body.

The week is usually easier than weekends. TGI—it's almost Monday! : )