I am NOT stupid...short vent!!
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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I am NOT stupid...short vent!!
He must really believe that I can not tell when he has been drinking. No he wasn't drunk last night, but when he got back from DJing it was apparent that he had been drinking...more than just one or two. I just can't believe he thinks I can't tell...there are certain things he does when he drinks that he does no other time. I'm just so angry that he thinks he is hiding it, when I KNOW he was drinking. Yes, I realize there is NOTHING I can to about it, except for take care of me.....which I will say I am proud of myself because I didn't get upset, I didn't argue, I just let it go. This is not to say that I am ok with it just that it is his life...he can do with it as he pleases....and I may do the same with mine....I just can't believe he things he can hide it...and that I am not smart enought to figure it out....
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
"I just can't believe he things he can hide it...and that I am not smart enought to figure it out...."
Does this mean you are angry? I have had to do a bit of anger work because anger really isn't good for us. I understand your frustration but honestly, is what he has done worth you sacrificing your peace and serenity? Would you be as insulted by a small child who has snuck a cookie and thinks you cannot tell? It is possible for you to have serenity by viewing him in this manner. It is amazing what they think you cannot see or tell.
Recently, I had a "BF" (he really was not my BF but he was trying to be and I let him try because I cared about him, he was like a member of my family growing up) who has been severely abusing drugs and alcohol for 30 years. He decided he was going to have an affair with his best friend's wife under the guise of helping them while the friend lay on his death
bed. For months he continued to call me, acting as though there was nothing
going on between them, while I TOLD him what he was doing. It was baffling to witness what he was doing to himself, and especially the fact that he could not see that I was onto his game.
I honestly believe that once they have progressed past a certain point, their brains just turn to mush. It is amazing though how they are still able to function in so many areas but just become so stupid in others.
If you can get yourself sufficiently emotionally detached, you will be ableto maintain your serenity to a larger degree.
Does this mean you are angry? I have had to do a bit of anger work because anger really isn't good for us. I understand your frustration but honestly, is what he has done worth you sacrificing your peace and serenity? Would you be as insulted by a small child who has snuck a cookie and thinks you cannot tell? It is possible for you to have serenity by viewing him in this manner. It is amazing what they think you cannot see or tell.
Recently, I had a "BF" (he really was not my BF but he was trying to be and I let him try because I cared about him, he was like a member of my family growing up) who has been severely abusing drugs and alcohol for 30 years. He decided he was going to have an affair with his best friend's wife under the guise of helping them while the friend lay on his death
bed. For months he continued to call me, acting as though there was nothing
going on between them, while I TOLD him what he was doing. It was baffling to witness what he was doing to himself, and especially the fact that he could not see that I was onto his game.
I honestly believe that once they have progressed past a certain point, their brains just turn to mush. It is amazing though how they are still able to function in so many areas but just become so stupid in others.
If you can get yourself sufficiently emotionally detached, you will be ableto maintain your serenity to a larger degree.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh 
He must really believe that I can not tell when he has been drinking. I just can't believe he things he can hide it...and that I am not smart enought to figure it out....
This isn't about him... it's about you... you're letting a drunk dictate how YOU think???
If you wear a black shirt and he decides to call it white ... do you waste time arguing with him? The time you spend arguing/debating with him takes the focus off of YOU... Is this ok? If not... what do YOU want for YOU?
((hugs))
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 29
I have trouble with the same thing, no don't know how to handle it properly. I know AW has been drinking because she is acting like it, but the words coming out of her mouth say otherwise. I can decide there is some approximate % chance that she has been drinking or she is telling the truth based on the events of the day. Then I find myself wondering if I should spend some time looking for evidence, because maybe I'll know for sure, maybe put my mind at ease with an answered question, like, ok she WAS lying, now I don't have to wonder if I was falsely suspicious.
I guess I have just talked myself into thinking this is crazy. We need to try to do step 1, just let go, admit and accept the powerlessness. I think I put my mind at ease more by writing this post then by searching my house for empty bottles.
I guess I have just talked myself into thinking this is crazy. We need to try to do step 1, just let go, admit and accept the powerlessness. I think I put my mind at ease more by writing this post then by searching my house for empty bottles.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I don't think he thinks you're stupid. I don't think he thinks about you at all in those terms (smart/stupid), in my experience, I was just an other obstacle my AH needed to overcome to continue drinking.
If he was to say yes, I was drinking, than he'd also have to say he knows he shouldn't and he'll stop (Likely to happen?) or he'd have to say it's not problem. Either way the disscusion follows, the disscusion he's not ready to have, as he's not ready to deal with his problem.
So, you know he was drinking. If you wish yourself well that has to be enough. Otherwise you are just spending a precious time of your life looking for him to validate your thinking. I spend too many years of my life doing that, and IMO that's straight path to hell.
So what happens if he says yes, I've been drinking. What is different than? You know that allready. For me the way to get off that ride was to accept it wasn't personal, it wasn't about me at all, or what he thinks of me. it's only about him and his desease, and by doing what you're doing now I was just making myself a hostage of his desease.
Quitting that role is I believe the hardest thing I ever did. For me it came from utter desperation, I finally realized if I continue to do it I will lose my mind.
The more I distanced myself from that line of thinking, the more I was giving up on my expectations of him and the more I was able to see him for who has really become: someone quite close to a young child, who doesn't think about how his actions are affecting others, who only thinks how he can get what he wants: drinking, drinking, drinking....
I don't know if this helps, I really hope it does.
Hugs
If he was to say yes, I was drinking, than he'd also have to say he knows he shouldn't and he'll stop (Likely to happen?) or he'd have to say it's not problem. Either way the disscusion follows, the disscusion he's not ready to have, as he's not ready to deal with his problem.
So, you know he was drinking. If you wish yourself well that has to be enough. Otherwise you are just spending a precious time of your life looking for him to validate your thinking. I spend too many years of my life doing that, and IMO that's straight path to hell.
So what happens if he says yes, I've been drinking. What is different than? You know that allready. For me the way to get off that ride was to accept it wasn't personal, it wasn't about me at all, or what he thinks of me. it's only about him and his desease, and by doing what you're doing now I was just making myself a hostage of his desease.
Quitting that role is I believe the hardest thing I ever did. For me it came from utter desperation, I finally realized if I continue to do it I will lose my mind.
The more I distanced myself from that line of thinking, the more I was giving up on my expectations of him and the more I was able to see him for who has really become: someone quite close to a young child, who doesn't think about how his actions are affecting others, who only thinks how he can get what he wants: drinking, drinking, drinking....
I don't know if this helps, I really hope it does.
Hugs
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Join Date: May 2008
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MX,
Just the other day you wrote about how sweet he had been the last few days, but said that behavior didn't last more than 5 days. Well, you were right about that ` again.
I guess you let him home again. He isn't going to change. When are you going to STOP finding yourself in Disbelief of his behavior? You aren't stupid, but given your never ending dance with him, your behavior is questionable.
Just the other day you wrote about how sweet he had been the last few days, but said that behavior didn't last more than 5 days. Well, you were right about that ` again.
I guess you let him home again. He isn't going to change. When are you going to STOP finding yourself in Disbelief of his behavior? You aren't stupid, but given your never ending dance with him, your behavior is questionable.
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