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Old 06-26-2010, 05:59 AM
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Hi, I am new

I joined this forum last night after reading posts and trying to figure out where I belong and what I should do next.

A little about me...I have been married about 6 years and have a 3 year old daughter and another baby on the way. My husband and I both have very good jobs, live in a nice house, drive nice cars and appear to have the perfect life from the outside. It's exhausting trying to keep up that facade and I think I have finally hit my breaking point. He abused alcohol before we married and he is definitely a functioning alcoholic. He can go 2 months without a drink and then will binge for 3 days straight....he drives if he has been drinking but somehow has never gotten a DUI. He has "tried" in-patient treatment several times at my urging but he's never gone on his own and he's never even stayed for a night. He was sexually abused as a young child by another man and he never told anyone, even me, until after we were married. He battles depression and is on medication. He will go to his psychiatrist off and on but not consistently.

His drinking patten is very inconsistent...he will go 8 months with no major incidents and then have a 3 day binge. The long stints with no drinking are typically after he has had a binge so he takes a month or so with no drinking and then will have a couple of beers at a party or restaurant but nothing more. I think he's trying to prove to himself that he doesn't really have a problem but then of course we always end up with a binge. The last one was yesterday. I came home from work and he had 7 beers from the refrigerator in our basement (yes, I keep inventory...sad but true) and told me he had lunch with a work friend and a few beers there. I could tell he was drunk. When he drinks, he is verbally abusive and calls me names like f'ing b**th,tells me things like he wants to have sex with other women (or sex life has definitely suffered) and last night he did this in front of our daughter. I think that's what finally did it for me. She will think it's ok for a man to treat a woman that way.

We have lost friends over his drinking and I am just exhausted trying to hide his dirty secret any time we meet new ones. He gets drunk to the poiint of falling down, unable to function and I never know when it's going to happen. He blames me for "nagging" him and tells me I'm a bad mother (I know I'm not). He tells me that I exaggerate and that he doesn't really have a problem. Sometimes I wonder if I am the crazy one but I look at things he's done and I have to remind myself I'm not.

He is responsible and mainly manages the bills in our house and he isn't drunk every day but the binging is too much for me.

I hope to use this forum as a source of strength as I move forward and make some tough decisions. I keep hoping he will make the commitement but after 6 years of this off and on hell, I think it may be time I faced reality. I'm very scared about taking the next step but reading about the liberation so many people have felt once they did leave, I feel a little better.
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Old 06-26-2010, 06:32 AM
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Hi Lovesdogs,welcome to SR, im sad when I read your post, heartbreaking! My AH was also drinking before marriage, but cleaned up and was sober for 8 years, now he drinks controlled everyday, sometimes he binges! It is so hard, we have 2 girls, but he is not abusive or rude, unless he is really really drunk, that doesnt happen often. I love him. We have been married 11 years. You have to take are of you and your child and sweet baby, it is hard for an A to come right by themselves. Remember you didnt CAUSE it, you cant CONTROL it and you cant CURE it, ultimately it goes on, what do you want for your life, to move on or stick it out? There are so many wonderful people here, who will have very good advice to give you. Read the stickies here on top of the threads. Keep reading and keep posting. Hugs xxxx
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Old 06-26-2010, 06:34 AM
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Ugh. My first thought after reading your post was, "Take action.". Don't nag, bitch, cry or complain; just take action. What action you take likely depends on how much you are willing to put up with. I personally would have kicked him out the first time he called me "bitch." (But that is me NOW, not necessarily me before Recovery). You also may want to investigate attending Al-Anon, seeking support from others, etc.

My guess is he has no reason to make any changes as long as you are covering up for
him and putting up with him. Just because his binges are not everyday or every week does not mean you are "wrong" in wanting more predictability and health in your life.
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Old 06-26-2010, 07:13 AM
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Hi Lovesdogs -- welcome to SR! (I love dogs, too!)

Your story sounds a lot like mine but I'm older and wiser (HA!) now, so I will share my experience with you. Your mileage may vary.

My (now ex) husband and I married in our early 20's but didn't have children until our mid-30's. The 10 years while we were childless were spent working, finishing school and PARTYING on the weekends. We drank on Friday and/or Saturday nights very heavily. Oh, yes, we got into our worst fights after drinking, that is for sure. Normally a very sweet man, my husband would spew all the anger and resentment he could muster, call me every name in the book, and a few times shoved me around a bit. One time our best friend asked to have lunch with me because he was concerned about my husband's drinking...and thought he was an alcoholic. I blew that off. Don't know why.

Fast forward 10 years and 2 kids later. My son was 5 and daughter 2. My drinking got scaled waaaaaaaaay back because it didn't take me long to figure out that hangovers and raising small children DO NOT work together well at all. I'd have 2-3 drinks on the weekends but that's it. My husband, however, continued to drink heavily and continued the ridiculous and volcanic verbal abuse. He'd call me such horrible names but the next day would ALWAYS be very apologetic -- as if that would make it alright. He never understood why it didn't.

One morning -- I'll never forget it -- he was erupting about something (probably hungover or still drunk) and was calling me names (fat lazy b*tch was a favorite). My 5 year old son was standing nearby just staring, frozen, and fearful my young daughter was on my hip. That's when it hit me: I had to put an end to this right freaking now!

I told him to get counseling or I'd leave. He went to one session and said the counselor told him she didn't see anything wrong. (huh?) We went to marriage counseling together and the counselor immediately focused on his drinking. He didn't like that one bit and we never went back. No matter how I tried I could not make him understand that his drinking was THE problem. He kept trying to blame ME for it all... if I wasn't such a b*tch, he wouldn't 'have to' drink. If I wasn't so demanding....if I wasn't so lazy he'd have more time to focus on sales.... if I wasn't this or that.... ad infinitum.

So I finally left and we divorced in 1997.

He still binge drinks and my kids (now 19 and 16) hate being around him, never introduce him to their friends, fear him (he has been abusive), and have very little respect for him. He's remarried to a nice woman, has a good job, nice cars, a boat, etc. But he's lost his wife (me) and his children. When we were in "family week" while my son was in rehab, he participated. When my poor son was trying to be honest about his feelings and for once confronting his dad about his drinking, the ex turned it all around and put it back on my son!!! Just like he did with me back in the old days!!! There we are with 12 people in our group listening to that BS and he didn't bat an eye. He really heard NOTHING my son said.

He is in denial, has always been in denial and no matter what losses he incurs he still sees it as being the cause of external forces. There is no hope that he will ever get it. If he hasn't gotten it by now, he never will.

I don't know if this helps you at all, but it's just something to keep in the back of your mind as you move through this decision process. Get some good support (SR), learn how to set boundaries, get the counseling of an addiction specialist and attend al-anon meetings. That's the best advice I can offer. Above all, protect your children as best you can.

Namaste.
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Old 06-26-2010, 07:28 AM
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So, now knowing that he's not going to change.. and that at this point your daughter is directly witnessing life in an abusive, and alcoholic home.. what is your plan?
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Old 06-26-2010, 07:40 AM
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"That's when it hit me: I had to put an end to this right freaking now!"
I LOVED this part TJP! Thanks for sharing.
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Old 06-26-2010, 12:17 PM
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You're not crazy and you're not inventing the whole thing. And your frequency of bitching does not correlate with his level of drinking. So many of us have felt that way before. The thing is, you can't make him change, but you absolutely have the right to take action to protect your children and to pursue your happiness. I've heard that little girls learn from their daddies about how to be treated when they are women, but I think they also learn from their mommies. If Mommy sticks around trying or hoping to change Daddy, that's what a relationship looks like to a little kid. But it's not just your kids - YOU deserve to be happy. You don't need a definite answer on whether he's an alcoholic in order to feel free to say, "I'm not happy with the status quo." If you're not happy with things as they are, you have every right to take action to change things.
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Old 06-26-2010, 01:13 PM
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Welcome to SR! You are in the right spot. You will find plenty of support here. There are a lot of wise people hanging around these parts too. Listen to the advice they give. People here will sympathize, support,and if need be...blantantly blunt.
I know the binge deal as my AW's drinking cycle can be binges. You are not alone here.
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Old 06-26-2010, 04:20 PM
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Welcome.
We understand.
Things to know? The 3 c's of addiction:
You didn't cause it.
You can't change it.
You can't cure it.

Your urging, monitoring, inventory, nagging, whatever is making you unhappy and taking the focus off you and onto him.
But he is an individual adult that gets to make his own choices.
He is making them.
He is choosing to binge and abuse you (no doubt about that).

So all you can change...is you.
Do you need to grow and change yourself? Undoubtedly. We all do.
Does he? Not our business to decide whether someone else needs to grow and change.
We just get to decide how we like their treatment of us.

I have an AH.
I don't like his choices.
I FINALLY began to realize instead of figuring out how to get him to change, I needed to accept him AS IS.
Then ask myself, do I like him as is? (No.)
We spend so much time trying to please, we forget to ask ourselves if WE are pleased!
You don't sound pleased; you sound abused.

That will stop, when you put a stop to it.
You have every right to say no.
You have every right to create consequences for his behavior. If he does x, you will do y (to protect yourself and your kids).

Stick around.
Keep reading.
Check out Melody Beattie's Codependent No More
and Women Who Love Too Much.
There's GREAT resources out there.

Hugs,
Peace
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Old 06-26-2010, 07:38 PM
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After having a light bulb moment today, and researching alcoholic's, AA, closet alcoholic's etc, as much as I hate to say it, I am glad I'm not the only one who has wondered... is it me??? I've been reading this site for about 4 hours now.... AH passed out on sofa, (he'd say he was taking a nap) and it has been helpful already. I am sorry that y'all have had to go through some of the things that you have and feel fortunate that my situation isn't quite as bad. My AH is not physically abusive, I think he knows he'd end up dead while sleeping....as I have made myself perfectly clear on the subject of abuse, how my mother went through it and it would NEVER happen to me. However, there still is the manipulation and him making me feel like I am crazy.
I haven't decided what course to take. We have had several discussions, each progressively getting more serious, the last one he promised he would never drink again because he realized that he couldn't control it, didn't know when to stop and didn't want to lose me.
He is a closet drinker, his favorite poison is vodka so I can't smell it. I don't drink but maybe 4 drinks a year, I come from an alcoholic family and know that it would be to easy for me to become an alcoholic so I have chosen to not drink.
We have been married for 27 years, it has just recently become a problem. I really don't know what happened, unless maybe it was me waking up to reality.
Thank you for the support I feel I have been given through other postings, this is not an easy thing to go through and unfortunately, knowing I am not alone makes it a little easier.
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Old 06-26-2010, 08:06 PM
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lovesdogs, I'm right next door in AL with a similar story. We were married six years. I finally had enough of the insanity and our divorce was final in Jan. This time last year was hell. If I hadn't taken the steps that I needed to change then it still would be. I finally realized that he wasn't going to change and I was not willing to live the rest of my life like the past six years had been. This forum helped me A LOT and I also started going to AlAnon about a year ago. Now I'm working on me and life is getting better every day.
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Old 06-26-2010, 08:08 PM
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Originally Posted by 3DogNight View Post
......We have had several discussions, each progressively getting more serious, the last one he promised he would never drink again because he realized that he couldn't control it, didn't know when to stop and didn't want to lose me.....
Did you have this "last discussion" --the one where he promised he would never drink again -- right before he passed out or when?

Welcome to SR!! Pull up a chair and get yourself a cup o' joe. Read. Read. Read.

We're glad you're here!
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Old 06-26-2010, 10:03 PM
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Hi LD,

Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. When I was first starting out here, I found the stickies at the top of the forum extremely helpful. I have also found that a combination of this place and therapy have worked wonders for me.

Please continue to post and know that we are all here to lend you support.

Sending you hugs.
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Old 06-26-2010, 11:10 PM
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3 dog night, why don't you introduce yourself formally in the main forum with a new post?
peace
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Old 06-27-2010, 06:40 AM
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Wow, Thank you all

Thank you all for your responses. It is truly overwhelming to get this kind of support from people I don't even know! I sat here in tears this morning reading your comments.

I don't know my next move yet but I know it's not do nothing. Luckily, I have a diary of events and I even documented one evening on video, in the back of my mind preparing for what I think is the inevitable. I don't know about others but I ultimately feel sorry for my husband. I KNOW I will be fine. I have a very supportive family who knows of his struggle with alcohol but only my sister knows the full on whole story. I have a lot of friends who I know will help me through this. I can see him much like TJPs husband in another 10 years. He will still be drinking and blaming others for his unhappiness. The sad thing for him is that I won't be comfortable with anything but supervised visitation so I worry about his relationship with our children. He travels a lot for work now (at least 2 if not 3 or 4 weeks of the month) so my daughter is used to not seeing him much.

Finding Peace, everything you said resonates with me. I have been so consumed with him that I have forgotten myself in this whole mess. I used to be a really fun person and now I feel like I am so serious because I hve to be. I've almost lost myself in his problems which are ultimately mine now.

I will definitely keep comging back for support and hopefully offer some to others too.
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