AB Sober 8 Months
 

I have not been to the board since October 2009, when my AB (alcoholic boyfriend) entered recovery and I started working the al-anon steps; mostly a function of being busy with work and having a baby. But I thought I'd give an update so I could vent what's been going on and share my experiences with others.

First, the good news - my AB has been sober now for 8.5 months and is a wonderful father to our 1 year old. He was pretty active with AA and his sponsor for the first 2+ months, but honestly has not been to meetings in quite a while. I would love if it he went more, but as part of Step 1 I do not try to control what he does. I often say to him out loud that I think it would be great if he went back, but don't press further. Not my responsibility! All I do is make clear that drinking = splitting up, not drinking and working on himself = staying together, its his choice which path to take. And the other good news is that I have really 100% worked step 1 to death! I do struggle a bit at social occasions; I find myself thinking that I should not drink lest it trigger him, but other than that my focus is myself (I continue to work on my career and maintain my own finances) and creating a positive environment for the baby who is thriving and very happy, thankfully. There are times when I actually even like the guy again and we have laughs, as opposed to when he was actively drinking when I wished he would disappear into thin air.

Of course, the line "sobriety is not all roses" is very very very true. For my AB - who was a binge drinker sort not an every day sort - the actual physical not drinking was the "easy" part. The hard part was and still very much is DEALING WITH REALITY. When he was drinking, he totally avoided 99.9% of responsibility. But now that he is sober, he is learning for the first time despite being 30 years old about adult life/responsibility/career/bills/housework. This adjustment is def our #1 issue. Truly, in some ways it is like I am his life coach sometimes and we've definitely had some big arguments about it.

So that's what its been like 9 months out. Overall, life is definitely better without him drinking, mostly because there is a lot less pain/tears, but its still hard at times. Thanks for letting me share :)

So if he's not actively involved in a recovery program how is continuing to work on himself?

Congrats on the baby, btw!

Admin... Delete please... Double post. Can only figure out how to edit.

" learning for the first time despite being 30 years old about adult life/responsibility/career/bills/housework"

I'm sure my immediate loved ones very much related to your current position. I'm on 11 months. Mom referred to me as Peter Pan for a while. I only got it recently. Just know it does take time. Does he have a program? He needs to practice new behaviors that will become automatic. The rule of thumb that really makes sense to me now is that things really start getting better ar about the year mark. Congratulations to you both in general and specifically for the new child!

Smacked - that is a good question. The main thing I see is career; he is pretty motivated re: that. He also is more physically fit/healthy. He realizes a lot of his issues come from having 2 A parents and growing up in that environment, and making sure that life is not passed onto our child. That being said, like I mentioned above I would like him to go back to AA because I think it is nothing but a positive and because sobriety still has issues. But I am not sure it is the right thing to "force" someone to go to AA meetings.

No, course you don't want to force anything, any recovery he pursues should certainly be on his own volition. I, personally, wasn't enough all by myself to keep myself sober.. I needed help.. ongoing help. Still do.. because I want to stay sober, and recovery is my new life, I live it, breathe it, and am a zillion times happier because of it. I hope your AH embraces help if he feels he needs it.

"He realizes a lot of his issues come from having 2 A parents and growing up in that environment,"

My take is that it's great to have insight as to where we ended up.... But the trick is not to use that as an excuse, but rather motivation to do the work nesc. to change the 'ole MO. You shouldn't have to life coach him IMHO. That being said healthy often couples often divide responsibilities along the lines of their respective altitudes/strengths. Seems like your guys are in a position to do some really productive stuff...