PurpleWilder

I recently set up my Facebook page and, to be perfectly honest, it is making me feel more disconnected from the world than connected. My high school reunion is coming up at the end of July (can't go but not really caring, anyway) and I am looking at the pages of all the people I used to go to school with.

I'm just sitting here crying and typing. "Married to....." on almost all of them....pictures of spouses that love them and do fun stuff with them....smiling with their children....living life....having a good time and a good life full of love.

And then there's big, fat me - wasted over 10 years of my life on worthless alkie who mistreated me and made me feel about 1 inch tall. Living all alone in a little apartment with 2 little kids and barely making it from paycheck to paycheck.

What is so wrong with me? Why can't I have someone too? What is it about me that makes me so disgusting? I can't tell you how many times I have said those same things to God, and I don't get an answer anywhere. I wouldn't care so much about the money situation if I just knew at the end of the day, someone would be around to put their arms around me and tell me "We'll work on it together. I'll be here for you. I love you."

I'm really sad today.

Still Waters

A picture doesn't tell the whole story.

Kittyboo

I'm sorry you are sad.

I actually just deactivated my Facebook page...again!lol

For me, and it sounds like it may be the same for you, the negative results of facebook far outweighed the positive.
I really waste so much time on that silly site. Yes, it's great to keep in touch with GOOD friends, but there are also many people who I don't keep in touch with and who don't keep in touch with me.
I would find myself getting irritated at other posts, or STILL looking to see if my XA was with his GF. I really allowed him to suck me back in emotionallly after he recently contacted me.
Facebook was actually making me sad.

You are NOT disguisting! I was thinking about people I have met along the way in life, and who seem to have a great life and love. I knew a girl who actually cheated on her husband, they had a very volitile relationship, and she could just be a very uncaring person over all.....her husband worshiped the ground she walked on. I recently found out she was pregnant.
For a moment I thought how is it that someone who acted like she does could have someone who loves her, she gets a baby a family and love....where's mine!!?

I had to separate myself from that, and realize that is not my path right now.
I am absolutely luckless in love. Why is that?? Well, if I am honest about my past relationships, I have not always chosen the best men to fall for. When a man lies, when he cheats, when he treats me less than what I deserve to be treated like, that is NOT a reflection of me, it is a reflection of that man. That is the most difficult thing to realize. It is so easy to put our self worth in the hands of another. It is not, it is in our hands.

I am 34, almost 35 and have never had anyone say to me "I love you". I think about that and it hurts, it hurts a lot. Sometimes I keep thinking that I will never find someone because what man wants to be with someone who's never been in a real relationship.... I feel like I have red flads all over me! BUT...those are my thoughts. They are NOT reality.
Just like your thoughts about your life is not reality. You have beautiful children! And we ALL feel like we are unattractive at one time or another. If there was one or two or three favorite physical features about yourself, what are they? Mine are my eyes. So I play them up. But I hate my butt....so sometimes I will wear spanx! Look in the mirror, and REALLY look at yourself and if you start to see yourself as the BEAUTIFUL woman you are, you will start to feel that way. You don't need anyone else to make you feel that way.

Back to Facebook...

I would say to deactivate it right now. It doesn't seem to be serving a good purpose in your life. Give yourself some space. And when you deactivate it, you can reactivate it any time.
I have to say, it's very nice today to not be wanting to check it, or obsess over it. To feel like I have some separation from any negativity that it brings my way.
It's natural to compare your life to others lives... but it is not your life. That's what makes your life special, because it is YOURS.

Move away from the Facebook and read or go out for a walk, run errands, be with your kids..... there is a better world beyond that silly social site.

Smile today.

Freedom1990

It makes me sad too.

DM, I used to feel the same way too. It seemed every time I'd go to the grocery store, or anywhere running errands, I'd see happy couples, holding hands and smiling.

My heart hurt. The thing is, I talked to God too.

There were men put into my life through the years, and I jumped in feet first, without ever addressing my codependency issues.

I was still empty inside. I still had very little self-worth. I was still looking for validation through having a man in my life.

The end result was 13 long miserable years after I left the abusive EXAH, and I was still making unhealthy choices in men.

Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Embrace your own recovery.

Don't do what I did, hon. It wasn't worth it.

When I started digging into my recovery from codependency, filling my own inner emptiness, that sadness began to subside.

I'm on FB too, and it doesn't bother me a bit that most of my classmates are married.

Big deal. That's just a tiny speck of sand on the grand beach of life.

I'm having a blast on the beach, enjoying the sun, by myself, by choice.

:ghug3

sesh

Well this pretty much sums up everything I was going to say, so I had to quote it.
It is all a matter of perspective. I'm sure all of those people with thier smiling faces have their own problems and dark secrets. And I'm aslo sure there are some of them who see you and envy you thinking: Lucky her, she got away from her bad marriage and is having nice life alone with her kids. So it is as I said how you choose to look at things. glass is either half empty or half full.

And you should see my facebook pics, the more miserable I was my profile picture had a bigger smile accross my face

stella27

Dearest, some of those people are just as unhappy as you were. Or their husbands are, or their children are out of control or they drink too much or care for a parent with Alzheimer's or they are declaring bankruptcy.

But we don't know what's really going on - just like they didn't know about us.

And it's just not our time right now. I want someone, too, but I know that the more solid and together my chidlren and I are, the more likely I will be to choose a partner (if and when!) who adds to what I already have, rather than disrupting my little family.

Enjoy only having your laundry and the kids'. Enjoy that all the mess is yours and all the discipline and policies are yours. Enjoy that YOU are the one who is stable and tehre for your kids. All these are skills you are building, and this in-between time is a gift to you.

(((hugs)))

Freedom1990

As an afterthought, how about a more positive user name here at SR? Admin can change that for you.

Hammerhead

Ditto Anvil!

Reunions aren't contests. If you choose to go... go proudly... you're a SURVIVOR! Find your best set of heels and dress and swing the night away... I bet your classmates will be posting... "Wow... she looked GREAT... and did you see her smile... I wish I was that happy!".

If anyone asks why you're not married.... smile really big and say "I guess I'm lucky"

So you're beating yourself up for wasting 10 years with an alkie... how many years do you plan on beating yourself up because you had the gonads and good sense to leave?

You have another opportunity at getting it right. So what If you don't meet someone... soon (gasp)... a relationship....is not akin to duck hunting season... that is of course... unless you want it to be.


Hugs.

hopeful4

((HUGS))...If you look at my facebook page you see a happy looking mom of two girls on various trips and lots of friends and a cute husband. What you dont see is the begging him to be sober on those trips, his upcoming court sentence for the horrible things he has done under the influence and my entire family in counseling. Believe me...everyone has skeletons! Be happy you are no longer with anyone toxic and see this as an exciting opportunity to meet new people and just be happy with yourself! Only look forward, you cannot change the past!
Good luck and God Bless!

Hammerhead

DirtRepellant

Sasha4

Just remember that people are always going to put their happy pictures on facebook and their achievements - no-one would post a picture of the smashed up family car after their husband drove under the influence or scan their divorce papers or take a picture of the debris after a drunken row the night before.

Most people always post a picture of themselves when they are looking their absolute best - bet most of profile snaps are ten years out of date anyway!!!!

I think it causes a lot of trouble personally....

You sound like a nice, genuine lady who deserves better than she's had.

You should turn that thinking around - there was not anything wrong with you. There was something wrong with him - he didn't deserve you and he was not good enough for you.

And just remember - the best things in life are free!!!

xx

PurpleWilder

Thanks, guys - I guess I forgot an Al-anon basic: We compare our insides to other people's outsides. Of course when you do it that way it is gonna make you feel like you come up short.

I guess the best way to sum up how I feel about things is this following quote from "Codependent No More"....

"According to Ernie Larson and others, the two deepest desires most people have are: to love and be loved, and to believe they are worthwhile and know someone else believes that also. I have also heard this phrased more simply, with one item added: To be happy we need someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to."

I know I have a lot to be grateful for. But I am so lonely. I sit on my balcony at night and look at the sky and wonder if I am so flawed I can't be happy no matter what. I want to look on the bright side but week after week alone and on my own all the time wears on me. Dammit.

FormerDoormat

Years ago, I was sitting with my dad watching "Wheel of Fortune." As usual, at the beginning of the show each contestant stood up and said something like, "I'm Charlie, I'm married to a wonderful woman, and I have three beautiful children." To which my dad replied, "that's what everybody says. Wouldn't it be funny if--just once--someone stood up and told the truth: "I'm Charlie, I'm married to a woman I no longer love, and I have three spoiled, ungrateful children."

My point is that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, a perfect partner, perfect children, a perfect house with a white picket fence, and happily-ever-afters. There is just reality. Facebook isn't a real place. It's virtual reality meant for show. Behind those smiling faces and claims of everything being "honkey dorey" is the truth. If everyone told the truth, then perhaps folks wouldn't have unrealistic expectations about love.

There's nothing wrong with you except perhaps you call yourself names. You don't deserve such treatment and it lowers one's self esteem.

I miss my dad.

Chino

Maybe you don't hear an answer because God knows there isn't anything wrong with you, and that you're not disgusting. Maybe God is waiting for you to ask something different, like "please prepare me for a loving relationship in my life and guide us toward each other." Maybe God is holding you and saying "We'll work on it together. I'll be here for you. I love you."

Maybe? You never know

Freedom1990

spinwc

I have asked myself that question many times.

I have come to the conclusion that God is waiting for me to get ME healthy and be happy in my own skin.

I feel your pain-its a couples world. Hang in there-God has a plan for you!

Freedom1990

There was a period in my life when I still had both girls at home, and was washing dishes at a restaurant. I did that for 3 long years.

I'd literally come home and cry because I was so tired from my job, the girls wouldn't do their chores, I had to pick up, and still had to fix supper.

I thought I would never get through that period in my life, seriously.

I did end up enrolling in tech school full-time to become a programmer/analyst because I wanted to do something more with my life.

I couldn't work as a dishwasher anymore. I was out of gas so to speak of.

What can you do to bring something new, something to give you hope in your life? Is there something you can think of?

:ghug3

Brucel

I'm sure there's a day or a time during the day that you look at those beautiful children of yours and think thankyou for such a great gift. I hope you have those thoughts about yourself today, cause I for one am glad you posted. It made me think of the the things that are beautiful to me today. God Bless

infiniti

Sweetie ... when YOU value YOU, you will exude that from your soul and others will see it and be attracted to it. When you value yourself, others will value you as well.

As hard as it may be, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worth it, you are loved, and you deserve everything good that life has to offer. Carry yourself with confidence and never settle for anyone or anything less than what you deserve.

Attend counseling or meetings, read books and do research for self-help on the internet.

I was once a broken person - extremely broken - devastated by the loss of my marriage, my whole world (or so I thought), ravaged by disorders I didn't know I had and plagued by feelings I didn't understand (bipolar/borderline personality), was suicidal many times over, and made horrible choices in partners. Because I was looking for happiness outside myself, looking for validation outside myself. I'm 40 years old, and I didn't really start growing up til I was 37, and I am STILL learning and STILL growing all the time.

Trust in yourself, believe in yourself, CHERISH yourself ... the rest will fall in place in due time.

dollydo

You walk into a room full of people, you feel self concious, awkward...then you feel someones eyes on you, you look, it's a guy...no not your dream man, just a man, balding, a little overweight, but, what a warm smile he has, he walks over and the rest is history!

My point, many times, it just happens, it's not planned, it is not organized, yet it is just the right time.....for you!

Don't be down on yourself, because others are married, it doesn't mean that they are happy, it doesn't mean that their children are perfect. They like everyone else, have problems, our world as we know it, is nothing but one challenge after another.

I do not do the facebook thing, too much BS for me, too much revealing of our every thought and moment, I like my privicy, my oneness.

You my dear, are a special person, until you stumble on Mr Almost Right, make each day a special one for you and your children.

Life is a song worth singing--Sing It!

Dolly