Why Can't I have Someone?
especially YOU, Dirtnomore.
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Sending you hugs. :ghug3
It's interesting you brought up facebook, and I see a lot of good points on here that I agree with. I do a unit each semester on social networking with my students, and every semester at least a couple of students bring up the idea that social networking allows us to be who we want to be and display only what we perceive to be our most favorable traits. So those people who are all "happily married" and whose lives are all roses all the time? Probably not so.
My take on FB...I am "friends" with people I know in real life...I have no real desire to remain in contact with those people that I didn't really know that well in high school for the same reasons I didn't want contact with them in high school! Anyone can say anything online; it's just a trait of the media. That does not mean we have to believe them and/or compare ourselves to their so-called perfect lives.
It's unrealistic to expect that you will be happy all the time in any relationship. My husband and I get along well, and I consider him my best friend and our marriage a pretty good one, but that doesn't mean we don't have our rough patches. We do. That's life. Life isn't roses all the time.
I think, too...whether or not you are in a relationship, it is important to cultivate a relationship with yourself and be happy with yourself. I like being married...but I also like my "own" time and solitude. I do things by myself that my husband doesn't partake in and vice versa. I think it's important that we have our own time to pursue our own interests in addition to pursuing interests together.
But I understand how you feel; you feel lonely, and that's okay. Don't beat yourself up about it. Focus on the positive in your life...and find ways to be happy with you.
Sending you hugs.
It's interesting you brought up facebook, and I see a lot of good points on here that I agree with. I do a unit each semester on social networking with my students, and every semester at least a couple of students bring up the idea that social networking allows us to be who we want to be and display only what we perceive to be our most favorable traits. So those people who are all "happily married" and whose lives are all roses all the time? Probably not so.
My take on FB...I am "friends" with people I know in real life...I have no real desire to remain in contact with those people that I didn't really know that well in high school for the same reasons I didn't want contact with them in high school! Anyone can say anything online; it's just a trait of the media. That does not mean we have to believe them and/or compare ourselves to their so-called perfect lives.
It's unrealistic to expect that you will be happy all the time in any relationship. My husband and I get along well, and I consider him my best friend and our marriage a pretty good one, but that doesn't mean we don't have our rough patches. We do. That's life. Life isn't roses all the time.
I think, too...whether or not you are in a relationship, it is important to cultivate a relationship with yourself and be happy with yourself. I like being married...but I also like my "own" time and solitude. I do things by myself that my husband doesn't partake in and vice versa. I think it's important that we have our own time to pursue our own interests in addition to pursuing interests together.
But I understand how you feel; you feel lonely, and that's okay. Don't beat yourself up about it. Focus on the positive in your life...and find ways to be happy with you.
Sending you hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
I sometimes feel like there are 2 people trapped in the same space inside my head. One is the old me: clingy, needy, compulsive. One is the new me: independent, boundary-setting, calm. But the one area where both of those people converge is the need to feel some real love from a nice guy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 1
I remember my biggest fear of divorce at the age of 39 or 40 was being alone. I keep journals where I wrote "Dear God" letters and I hate to tell you that each page in those journals were about wanting a man in my life.
I would go to meetings where Understanding Ourselves at the start was common and these words rang so true that I have them memorized---we felt overwhelmed with responsibility, unwanted, unloved and alone.
I tested God. I asked specifically for someone and within an hour as someone asked me out on a date and that someone made my former husband look like a picnic in comparison--only that relationship was worse--I became obsessed with him.
So I took a break. A relationship diet and concentrated on raising my daughter and working on myself.
I wish I could tell you that I found that someone. I never did.
I got something better. I realize now that relationships are work. Relationships are not about getting your needs met. Relationships are about compromise and meeting other peoples needs. I'm not saying this in a negative or bad way. Not at all. Instead of someone, I found me.
I needed to learn how to love myself. Simple to say, hard to do.
What am I looking for now? Instead of looking to a man to take that pain and lonliness away, I find myself relating to men who treat me with respect and our relationship is based on shared interests.
I have my own house, that is my home. If I want to eat popcorn for dinner, I eat popcorn. I have a life and the freedom to do what I want when I want. A full life.
Your journey is just starting. Give it time. What you got right now may not be what you want but what your Higher Power has in store for you far exceeds your biggest dreams or imagination.
I would go to meetings where Understanding Ourselves at the start was common and these words rang so true that I have them memorized---we felt overwhelmed with responsibility, unwanted, unloved and alone.
I tested God. I asked specifically for someone and within an hour as someone asked me out on a date and that someone made my former husband look like a picnic in comparison--only that relationship was worse--I became obsessed with him.
So I took a break. A relationship diet and concentrated on raising my daughter and working on myself.
I wish I could tell you that I found that someone. I never did.
I got something better. I realize now that relationships are work. Relationships are not about getting your needs met. Relationships are about compromise and meeting other peoples needs. I'm not saying this in a negative or bad way. Not at all. Instead of someone, I found me.
I needed to learn how to love myself. Simple to say, hard to do.
What am I looking for now? Instead of looking to a man to take that pain and lonliness away, I find myself relating to men who treat me with respect and our relationship is based on shared interests.
I have my own house, that is my home. If I want to eat popcorn for dinner, I eat popcorn. I have a life and the freedom to do what I want when I want. A full life.
Your journey is just starting. Give it time. What you got right now may not be what you want but what your Higher Power has in store for you far exceeds your biggest dreams or imagination.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Hey Dirt
I agree fully with the person who suggested changing your username. How did my "greeting" feel? The words you write belie your username.
No, everything you wish for is very, very healthy, I think. Sounds like you have a lot to give and that is a real source of your pain.
How do I know? Well, I'm 62,male, and a former alcohol abuser. Very different, but the same. I too, want so badly to love. I too, see couples and it hurts. I have a lot to give...
So, what can we do? I think it has to do with becoming lovable. Instead of seeking external validation, I am working on simply liking myself. We broadcast that kind of s***.
I think we who are in that position need to be aware of our vulnerability. Thus, if I have any wisdom it is that loneliness, as unpleasant as it is, is far preferable to pathology. We need do nothing but look at our pasts.
As the abuser, I also need to make certain that I do not fall for a woman who is willing to put up with anything. Someone who is so needy that she will allow me to abuse again. No, it must be "out the door." I hope that resonates with you.
Judging by what you write, you are already complete. You need to project that. A man of substance will require that. Fragile>fragile, fragile>strong doesn't work. It is doomed.
You are no dirt magnet. As long as you think you might be you have no business being in a relationship.
Feel the love within you. Broadcast it. Broadcast also that when it comes to buttheads that you will take no prisoner and suffer no fool. Only then will you get what you deserve.
warren
I agree fully with the person who suggested changing your username. How did my "greeting" feel? The words you write belie your username.
No, everything you wish for is very, very healthy, I think. Sounds like you have a lot to give and that is a real source of your pain.
How do I know? Well, I'm 62,male, and a former alcohol abuser. Very different, but the same. I too, want so badly to love. I too, see couples and it hurts. I have a lot to give...
So, what can we do? I think it has to do with becoming lovable. Instead of seeking external validation, I am working on simply liking myself. We broadcast that kind of s***.
I think we who are in that position need to be aware of our vulnerability. Thus, if I have any wisdom it is that loneliness, as unpleasant as it is, is far preferable to pathology. We need do nothing but look at our pasts.
As the abuser, I also need to make certain that I do not fall for a woman who is willing to put up with anything. Someone who is so needy that she will allow me to abuse again. No, it must be "out the door." I hope that resonates with you.
Judging by what you write, you are already complete. You need to project that. A man of substance will require that. Fragile>fragile, fragile>strong doesn't work. It is doomed.
You are no dirt magnet. As long as you think you might be you have no business being in a relationship.
Feel the love within you. Broadcast it. Broadcast also that when it comes to buttheads that you will take no prisoner and suffer no fool. Only then will you get what you deserve.
warren
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by sati 
I tested God. I asked specifically for someone and within an hour as someone asked me out on a date and that someone made my former husband look like a picnic in comparison--only that relationship was worse--I became obsessed with him.
So I took a break. A relationship diet and concentrated on raising my daughter and working on myself.
I wish I could tell you that I found that someone. I never did.
I got something better. I realize now that relationships are work. Relationships are not about getting your needs met. Relationships are about compromise and meeting other peoples needs. I'm not saying this in a negative or bad way. Not at all. Instead of someone, I found me.
So I took a break. A relationship diet and concentrated on raising my daughter and working on myself.
I wish I could tell you that I found that someone. I never did.
I got something better. I realize now that relationships are work. Relationships are not about getting your needs met. Relationships are about compromise and meeting other peoples needs. I'm not saying this in a negative or bad way. Not at all. Instead of someone, I found me.
My biggest fear for years was not having a man in my life.
Today, I am like you and cherish the freedom that I have, sans a partner.
Thank you so much for the reaffirmation of my life too!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
You are in a slump right now. Understandable (after what you've been through!) It happens to all of us in one degree or another.
What you need to do is get happy. How do you do that? By looking on the positive side of life. Be grateful for what you DO have. Start doing for others, volunteer somewhere that needs help - it will also be good for you.
To attract other happy, healthy people, you need to radiate happiness too!
You know you can't find happiness in another person. It doesn't happen, it comes from within.
Not always easy, but take my word... it's worth it! Be positive. Get positive.
What you need to do is get happy. How do you do that? By looking on the positive side of life. Be grateful for what you DO have. Start doing for others, volunteer somewhere that needs help - it will also be good for you.
To attract other happy, healthy people, you need to radiate happiness too!
You know you can't find happiness in another person. It doesn't happen, it comes from within.
Not always easy, but take my word... it's worth it! Be positive. Get positive.
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