Why Can't I have Someone?

Old 06-24-2010, 04:04 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I've become a big believer in reframing my point of view when I feel like, "Why me?" I also live in a little apartment with my two children and have felt the way you do when I see other families looking so perfect and happy. But when I feel like, "Why me?" I now try to ask, "What's the opportunity in this?" For me, the opportunity is to heal from the things in my past that have made me a dirt magnet. I can take my time to get to know myself and become solid in my beliefs and principles, so that I can quickly say "buh-bye" to dirtbags and say "hey-ayyy" to the good ones.

Having a happy marriage and all that is not my path right now. I did have to grieve that, and maybe you are going through a little bit of grieving right now. But your path is yours and it doesn't have to look like everyone else's.

For what it's worth, word got out about my H's affair, and I had several seemingly happy people on FB contact me and say, "OMG! Me too!" There *are* happy families out there, but it's not like it's everyone but you. I actually get a lot of joy from seeing the happy families out there. It's possible. I have a few different happily married couples who are my clients, and they met in their late 30s (usually online) after kind of giving up on the idea of having a family, and now they have wonderful partnerships and beautiful children! It's all possible, but maybe your HP wants you to heal yourself first.
wanting is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 04:22 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
PurpleWilder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Things have improved a bit for me on the "make yourself better" front a bit - I've been keeping my hair dyed like I should, taking care of my skin, been keeping my house clean. I just get mad about things sometimes, ya know? I do a lot of things that are good - don't drink, don't smoke, don't gossip, don't lie. Do honest work no matter where I've worked or what I am given to do.

What more is there for me? Other people just seem to know - they just do stuff and it all comes together. Maybe it is because they figure out what they want and then figure out how to get it. Like many of us here at SR, I grew up in a really bad house and have always been in survival mode. I'm getting to the point where I want to do more than just survive - I want to thrive. Soar. LIVE.

My heart is so full of dreams and hopes and I water them every day but they need some sun. I can imagine so much, and its killing me that I can't/don't have it.
PurpleWilder is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 04:30 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Aww, big hugs from me.

Can you do a gratitude list? Sounds trite, but from where I am sitting (nearly 37, no kids, no partner) your kids have got to be up there. Always makes me feel better to go from A-Z listng a gratitude for each.

Can you get practical? If there are no jobs about, can you get something going on your own? Any business idea floating in your head when you are watching the sunset? Any skills you have that you can turn into cash? Can you go back to school and do some more study to get you into a career?

I get the no partner thing. I have been on my own for over 5 years. Most people wonder wtf is wrong with me, I think, because I suppose that, on paper, there is no real reason why I am single. But, ya know, I don't want to go back where I was before. I'm not going to pander to what oter people think I should be doing and just have a partner so I can say I have a partner. Women are NOT defined by the existence (or not) of a man on their arm!
Bolina is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 04:38 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
I will also add, these past 5 years have been the hardest and most rewarding of my life in equal measure.

Only the other week, and out of nowhere, I said to myself "I am now ready to be someone's partner". I had to go through that pain, that discomfort and that loneliness to be able to be in a postion to really appreciate another person for himself, to have great boundaries, to know what I want and be able to ask for it, to let go off the little stuff and the drama and treasure the important bits of a relationship. I know that any serious relationship I have in the future will be much, much better than those that have gone before, even if they don't last. Because the crap ones will not develop beyond a few dates and the great ones will finish for grown up reasons.
Bolina is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 04:46 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by DirtMagnet View Post
What more is there for me? Other people just seem to know - they just do stuff and it all comes together. Maybe it is because they figure out what they want and then figure out how to get it. Like many of us here at SR, I grew up in a really bad house and have always been in survival mode. I'm getting to the point where I want to do more than just survive - I want to thrive. Soar. LIVE.

My heart is so full of dreams and hopes and I water them every day but they need some sun. I can imagine so much, and its killing me that I can't/don't have it.
I hear ya. I agree. Watching others - it looks like them finding their path is so easy. I have to remind myself that what I don't usually see is them when they were just as lost as I am/was. I didn't see them work through their issues to figure out what they want their life to be - or maybe I did, but I was too wrapped up in my issues to recognize it.

Hang in there.
theuncertainty is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 04:47 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
PurpleWilder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
I have a job. Child support - not so much. The state is involved in that one but the wheels roll slowly. I'm not really looking to define myself by a man. I'm just lonely. To quote a movie "I think if you put my heart up to your ear, you could hear the ocean."

I love my kids a lot. A LOT. But lets face it, it is just not the same as an adult. I need more. I want love. The kind that brings you a washcloth when you are feeling sick. One that calls home at lunch to see how you are doing. Who cuddles with you when you are falling asleep. I want someone I can do those things for as well. I feel like a fly, banging against a clear window, trying to get out. I can see what out is, I just can't get there.
PurpleWilder is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 04:54 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
I know, DM.

I get that sometimes. There are days when I just ache for a proper hug. Or just a shared in-joke. To spread the load. To have someone to cook for (or cook for me) rather than concocting a meal for one that isn't actually a meal and a half because the ingredients look so pathetic in the pan (and then doesn't help the waist-line). I get it.

I just see it as part of my training. Like I said on another thread, if I live to 84 and represent that as inches i.e. 7 feet, this part of my life isn't much. Lots happened before and there is plenty of time for lots to happen again.

Do you have friends around? I have become adept at gaining from my friends and family those things for which I used to rely on my partner. That has meant that I have closer, more real, relationships with those people and, as a result, means that I am in a healthier place to start a relationship in due course.
Bolina is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 05:09 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
And getting a job made a big difference to me. I wasn't working for a few years and I spiralled into depression and self-flagellation. I have a few days left on a 9 week contract and am sensing those old feelings coming back. But I can't tell you the lift it has given me. I really AM useful enough for someone to pay me money for my time. I really AM interesting enough for people to converse with me on a daily basis. Sheesh, some of these people even want to keep in touch after the job is finished!

Perhaps there aren't full time jobs around fot you at the moment, but maybe some voluntary work could reap the same rewards?
Bolina is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 05:49 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
PurpleWilder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
I have a job working overnights. Usually 4 shifts/week. I think that job somewhat contributes to my sense of disconnectedness from the world, as I am coming home to try and sleep when everyone else is going out into the world. But it pays more than a daytime job, and I don't have daycare expenses. The ex watches them while I work.
PurpleWilder is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 05:57 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
For most of my life, I compared myself to others. And I would alternately feel either superior or inferior. I went to my 20 year high school reunion and I remember thinking how I must be better than most of them because I was still married to my first husband, while most of them were on their second or third. Well, obviously, that didn't turn out too well, lol. This year will be my 30 year, and I am planning on going.

But, this time, I have some perspective. The older I get, and the more recovery I get under my belt, the less I compare myself to others. I'm starting to realize that we're all just humans with varying levels of dysfunction, trying our best to get through this crazy thing called life. Heck, even the so-called "experts" at oil wells can't figure out how to stop their own mistake from spewing pollution all over the place. The so-called "experts" at finance never saw an economic melt-down coming. In light of those things, I'm not doing so bad at figuring my stuff out.

I expect the reunion to be attended by a bunch of nearly-50-year-olds just like me, still trying to figure stuff out after all these years.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 06:02 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Sorry, DM, I totally misread your posts about your job. I don't know how I did that and I apologise.

I get that it must be very disconnecting working nights. Any chance of something else? I guess it helps with the childcare, though - that is such a big issue.

What about parents of your kids' friends? Or maybe sneak in an al-anon meeting to see if there are any like-minded people there?

I am focussing on the non-romantic relationships here, I know, but for a reason, as I explained above. I would suggest dating sites, but I am a bit dubious about many of those. I'm not sure it is necessarily the place for the vulnerable.
Bolina is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 06:03 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hammerhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by DirtMagnet View Post
I have a job. Child support - not so much. The state is involved in that one but the wheels roll slowly. I'm not really looking to define myself by a man. I'm just lonely. To quote a movie "I think if you put my heart up to your ear, you could hear the ocean."

I love my kids a lot. A LOT. But lets face it, it is just not the same as an adult. I need more.
I feel like a fly, banging against a clear window, trying to get out. I can see what out is, I just can't get there.
I'm hearing two thoughts...

1). I'm not really looking to define myself by a man. I'm just lonely.

2) I want love. The kind that brings you a washcloth when you are feeling sick. One that calls home at lunch to see how you are doing. Who cuddles with you when you are falling asleep. I want someone I can do those things for as well.


You're lonely and you want physical contact.

Perhaps your loneliness could be alleviated with a hobby ... photography, botany, volunteering at local humane society... all good ways to meet grown-ups.

I seldom get lonely and I'm alone most of the time... I have numerous hobbies and I'm renovating a historic home... myself. So I'm constantly scouring over new articles of "how-to" and building my computer file with "love that" photos... I can't afford many of the ideas right now... and that's ok too... cuz if I do see a "love that" bargain... I'll be prepared to snatch it right up. (it's amazing the things people throw out).

I just started reading "Codependent No More" and I'm realizing that it's starts and ends with me... so maybe that's a good place for you to start too.

Take care.
Hammerhead is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 06:27 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Maine
Posts: 43
as many people have pointed out, people tend to put their happy faces on in public. you don't really know where these people really are in their lives, but there is one comparison you can make for sure - where you are now versus where you were. you are doing GREAT - and don't doubt it for a second.
alwaysthinking2 is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 06:54 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
 
ElegantlyWasted's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
All I can say is focus on the positive... You more than deserve it. Freedom has a great idea; I've often thought along the same lines re: negatve names here. Something that speaks to positivity, your own power and the future of your choosing. Face book seem like all media in that it ultimately plays to the lowest common denominator.
ElegantlyWasted is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 06:55 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 626
While wanting to be partnered is natural and understandable, thinking that being partnered is going to magically fix everything isn't realistic. I KNOW it's tough. I had that "why not me" and "what's wrong with me" thinking going on and then when someone did pay attention to me, it didn't even matter what I thought, someone was interested and now I was whole. That strategy got me two divorces and currently separated from a RABF.

I'm now knocking on the door of old age and I finally get it. I finally have created a life that is full enough. I am enough. Me. I've created a life that is peaceful and fulfilling. It's got some joy, hope and serenity. I've worked on self-validating and not to compare myself to others AT ALL. They are not me and I am the best me that there is.

No one at that reunion, on FB, where ever is a better mother to your kids than you are. Take pride in that. When those "tapes" start playing in your head, put in a different tape. Write down your good qualities and your gratitudes and when you start to dwell in what you think you lack, remind yourself of all the good you are and you have.

Hugs - we've all been there.

When you create a life for yourself, no one can pull it away from you. Create love, peace, joy and serenity and more will flow to you.
roxiestone is offline  
Old 06-24-2010, 07:26 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
i believe the Universe will not gift to us what we are not ready or prepared to accept. when we CRAVE, we demonstrate lack....for as long as we seek completion outside of ourselves, we will empty, unfinished.
Amen, Anvil.

I'm a big fan of gratitude lists. But instead of listing what I'm grateful for on paper each day, I run through my gratitude list in my head just before I fall asleep, much like other folks say their prayers.

At first I thanked my Higher Power for the obvious things: my daughter, my mother and father, my six siblings, and my four puppies. But each night that list grew even bigger. I thanked my HP for my job which I love, for the people I work with whom I also love, for a good income that provides me with all the earthly things I need, for food on the table, a place to shelter me from the elements, for reliable transportation, a little plot of land were I can garden, for good friends, for a sunny day, for improved health, for the lessons I learned from sharing my life with an alcoholic, for the people on this forum who helped me make it through what seemed at the time like the darkest days of my life. The list just kept on growing until one night--overwhelmed with all the blessings that ran through my head, the tears began to well up in my eyes and flowed down my cheeks.

My life is abundant; there is no lack. Counting your blessings may seem to some like a silly thing to do, but for me it was an eye-opening and life changing exercise.

Why not give it a try?
FormerDoormat is offline  
Old 06-25-2010, 02:08 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
 
Jess01's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
I bet all those people on facebook with their smiling faces and seemingly perfect lives, in fact do not have perfect lives. Those social network sites are such a fabrication on what people what others to think their life is really like. I bet they have had just as much pain and crap to deal with. We all do. I know it doesn't make it any easier when you look at these pictures, but perhaps having that in the back of your mind when looking at them might make you feel better.
Jess01 is offline  
Old 06-25-2010, 05:02 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
PurpleWilder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Thanks for all of the good advice and support.

I am feeling a bit better now after a good night of rest. Fell asleep looking at the full moon, with the moonlight slanting across my pillow.

I have to try and remember that my whole life, right up the the point I decided I wanted things to change, was like an enormous blockage. Now that it has been removed, it will take time for all of the negativity, depression and stinking thinking to drain away. Still lonely and wistful, though.
PurpleWilder is offline  
Old 06-25-2010, 05:19 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
Oh gosh, I feel like this as well alot of the time. Just today I went shopping for clothes in town and there was couples everywhere laughing and holding hands and I did think "why not me?" I often wonder if I am the most unattractive woman on the planet because men avoid me like the plague.

I'm feeling a bigger void when I see babies though. It's never hit me so hard before, but I doubt I will be having them. I can't see a man in my future anywhere. Perhaps I should look into having a baby alone...i don't know.

Hugs to you lovely lady!
heavenlyone is offline  
Old 06-25-2010, 06:35 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Here's my feedback based on me and my life. I say "you" but really just reiterating my experiences. I hope something here helps.

DirtMagnet, honey, PLEASE change your SRName. Please start changing your thoughts and words to describe yourself. I for one am glad you are not in a relationship right now because we attract what we think we should and you still think you're a dirt magnet. "You attract into your life that which you think about most of the time." i think that is a Brian Tracy quote. Please go to the library and check out a book by him.

Love does not always LOOK the way WE think it should, or wish it should. Do you have a higher power? You are alone in your life for a reason. That reason is NOT because you don't deserve or are not worthy of a nice relationship with a man. Only YOU can know your reason for being alone though. For me, it was so that I could focus on college and getting a degree so that I would never have to depend on anyone again.

Whenever I have felt the way you have described, I have had to teach myself how to rebuild my self-esteem. Perhaps google that and read some articles on how to do this or get a book about it.

You say you have dreams. Are you working on making them come true? The single most impprtant thing I have ever done to make my dreams come true was to TALK about them with people I physically meet. Even complete strangers. Because the more people you tell, the greater the probability you will tell someone who can and will help you to attain those dreams.

OK, hope this helps in some small way. Scrub yourself clean of all these negative thoughts of yourself. If you are unable to do that, you may want to get into therapy for a little bit of help.

And one last thing, FaceBook is not reality. What you see there is only what is surface. Stop comparing yourself and your life to what you see there. Just go there to have fun, as a source of entertainment.
Learn2Live is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:20 PM.