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Affair with an alcoholic

Old 06-24-2010, 01:59 PM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
No, I asked a question which wasn't answered, I didn't ask to be fed a load of c**p. Everyone can think it's a typical affair but it's not. He doesn't want me to wait for him because he knows it's unfair on me. He's genuine and because of people on here who have had bad experiences with it, they think I'm going to go the same way. WRONG. I get what I want and I want him, therefore it'll happen, I don't care how long it takes. I love him and he makes me happy. I'm not asking for anyone to condone my situation, infact I think I made it pretty clear I didn't want that elaborating, I asked a question which was do alcoholics have the same feelings when sober, and I got a load of judgement or useless opinions on what they've experienced, and what they've had fed to them, well in reality, I know the craic, I'm not blind in love and I know exactly how to deal with the situation.
Several people, myself included, said there was no way for us to know the answer to your question. How can people say what someone they don't even know might do? It's impossible. Regarding the affair, yes, it is just like every other AFFAIR. Someone in a committed relationship is getting some on the side and saying whatever he has to in order to keep that going. You are falling for it. Some day you will look back on this time of your life and wonder where the heck your head was. Right now, you are in denial and nothing anyone says will convince you otherwise.

So be it. I'm leaving this thread because it is becoming absolutely ridiculous.
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:00 PM
  # 62 (permalink)  
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Fine, you're crossed off our wedding list lmfao
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
I get what I want and I want him, therefore it'll happen, I don't care how long it takes.
Then why bother wondering if his feelings will change or not?
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:01 PM
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Anon, how old are you? You act like you're still in highschool... Why did you even join this site? It's about support - and with support comes the ability to actively accept criticism, or let alone SOMEONE ELSE'S OPINION.

Maybe we don't agree with you, but it's simply our opinions. You're very hostile... and acting extremely immature. I thought you stated you grew up in five years...
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:02 PM
  # 65 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
Fine, you're crossed off our wedding list lmfao
Thank God for small favors.
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:06 PM
  # 66 (permalink)  
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I THINK I STATED ITS NOT ABOUT THE SEX!! To quote him "I';m old, I never want sex!
Yet, you also said this:
It is possible to make someone happy so they won't cheat or be unhappy with their partner! You just have to be able to satisfy a man, as cheesy as it sounds, with variety, and keep the excitment going, then he has no reason to want to stray. She is clearly not giving him happiness,
You think you can keep him happy with sex even though your relationship isn't about sex. Also something to consider - men in their 30's don't usually completely lack a sex drive & most would still like to do it several times/wk if not nightly. If he rarely wants sex this early in your relationship, then that is likely a sign of either a physical problem or an emotional problem.
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:08 PM
  # 67 (permalink)  
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There is no way for anyone else to know or to judge another person, or another relationship. But Anon, if you came here today, you clearly need something. Maybe you should begin to focus on you and how you feel, and what you want in your life, rather than him and his situation and his alcoholism, and what he will or won't do, or may or may not feel, now or in the future.
Al Anon is a wonderful place; you can even check out a meeting on line. You can just listen (well, read actually). You don't have to participate at all. And there is a wonderful book of meditations Courage to Change. You don't need anyone but yourself to be happy.
While he's clearing his head, take some time just for you, clear yours. If you are meant to be together, you will be. Nothing else for you to do, but take care of yourself.
Just 2 cents from someone who has been there.
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:10 PM
  # 68 (permalink)  
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Sorry, which was the question that wasn't answered?
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:12 PM
  # 69 (permalink)  
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I smell a troll.
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:13 PM
  # 70 (permalink)  
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Isn't it interesting that the thread with the most drama (and curse words) is attracting folks (like me) like flies to honey? That means the healthy thing for me to do is move along and not even peek back in.
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:17 PM
  # 71 (permalink)  
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Quite frankly, this is ridiculous.

You stated you came here and got fed a load of cr**.

Well, goodbye then, i'm out. You have a lot of internal growing to do before you are ready to accept any kind of support or words of wisdom. Good luck.
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:20 PM
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Heh - for the first time in a long time on SR, I thought the T word as well.

So, what questions do you want answered?
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:42 PM
  # 73 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
Everyone is basing it on the typical affair though, he doesn't slag her off, he constantly tells me how bad he feels for what he's doing and how she doesn't deserve it because she's so nice to him at home. He IS a decent man, not being biased, but he is, and everyone knows it. I lived with him for 3 weeks, I know exactly what goes on because his mate moved in when he had a row with his misus so I do have an insite to it actually, and he does practically live in the shed, but at the end of the day, he is unhappy when he's not with me, and it wasn't him who said that.
Honey ... you said he's with a different woman now than he was 5 years ago, right?

If he is so enamored with you as you say he is, why did he not, during the gap between these women (was there a gap? or did he cheat on one with the other?), choose to be with you then?

I've been on BOTH sides of this coin. I've been the cheated on, and I've been the cheater. You know what I heard from MY married man? "We only live together for our daughter and to split bills, we don't want to sell our child's home, we sleep in different bedrooms, we aren't intimate anymore, we're still friends, blah blah blah."

I wasn't even in love with this man; I was cheating on my husband at the time too because he was abusive and I was searching for someone to give me validation. When my (second) husband found out, he confronted the Mrs. ... and found out that everything the married man had told me was all LIES.

My first husband cheated on me after 14 years together and two kids. It devastated me and totally crushed my world. He's still married to her today and they have 3 kids.

I'm over all that. You know why? Because I don't look for happiness or validation in others anymore. I find validation in myself. I know who I am and I like who I am and I don't need anyone else to affirm that for me. And, I don't go shopping in other people's baskets anymore. And if I were to have a man in my life that did go shopping in other people's baskets ... that man can leave, but it will not destroy me ever again.

I don't need that kind of life. I deserve better. I deserve someone who is devoted to ME. Who cherishes ME. Who respects ME. Who is with ME. Who is honest and forthright and honorable.

Your situation is VERY typical, although it may be individual to you and him. But it is so extremely typical of the thought patterns of the "other woman" believing in the "married man" and all he says.

I sincerely hope that one day you will come to value yourself more than you currently do.
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:55 PM
  # 74 (permalink)  
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Hi Anon,

I'd like to address the alcoholism issue. We are members of this wonderful forum because we're family and friends of alcoholics and/or addicts.

You are in a relationship with an alcoholic. People in relationship with alcoholics are often caretakers, co-dependents, and often suffer greatly. I, for one, am in the midst of a divorce from my 2nd alcoholic husband, and, with much help, am learning to value myself, take care of myself, how to choose healthy relationships, and generally growing and healing. It's been a long process, but the results are good.

I hope that you will seek refuge in an AlAnon program so that you might share your heart and get tips for growing, healing, and living a good life yourself, even though you are involved with an alcoholic. Counseling might also be helpful to you.

Wishing you all the best on your journey.

Tigger
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Old 06-24-2010, 02:57 PM
  # 75 (permalink)  
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Hopefully you will realize you are worth more than this. He is never leaving. He is stringing you along for his own happiness. If he is so unselfish he would tell you he is not good for you and wants what is best for YOU! He realizes he has children and his heart is with them. Even if it is not with his wife, his true heart is not with you either or he would already be with you.
There are many people in life. Just because you are attracted to someone does not mean that person is your destiny. Look past the sparks and see this person for who he really is, someone cheating on his wife and family. Does a leopard's spots change???
You deserve more, someone who is into you and only you. One day you will have children and will want a husband that is only with you and your children, not with anyone else.

Good Luck.
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Old 06-24-2010, 03:08 PM
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Anon-I am not judging, just want to say to you that when dealing with an A, they are manipulating. They say what you want to hear. They know how to tug at your heart. They know the game. He will tell you anything to keep you on the line.

Be careful. Someone will end up hurt in this situation, they always do.

Being involved with an A is enough drama and baggage in itself. But to throw an affair on top of it? Just sayin........put your guard up!

Affairs are temporary. I hope you realize that you deserve much better than what you are getting. You deserve a man who wants you and doesnt need to think things out.
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Old 06-24-2010, 03:23 PM
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I just wanted to add that IF he gets sober, there is no way to tell how he will be as a sober man. I did like the analogy one previous poster gave about the sober horse thief. lol

My point is, if you've only known him as a drunk, you have no clue who he is sober. The sober him could be a completely different person who may actually develop remorse for his deceitful actions, regret for pain he's caused, empathy for those he's hurt, and a desire to truly make amends and not follow any path that was formed by the destruction of his drinking days. Some people, when they get clean/sober, do that.

Only time and his sobriety will tell what kind of man he will be sober. But my question, as is so many others' here, is: When are you going to care more about what this type of life is doing to you and how it will affect you, long-term, than worrying about him?
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Old 06-24-2010, 03:39 PM
  # 78 (permalink)  
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My partner started an affair when I was seven months pregnant.

We had tried for our baby for five years.

I had an awful pregnancy, I was really poorly.

I had a marathon 48 hour labour. My baby's heartbeat kept dipping really low.

I had an emergency section and she was born weighing barely nothing.

In the first three months, I never had more than two hours continued sleep as I had to feed her. I often did that alone, as my other half was out entertaining and wining and dining his mistress, although I did not know.

When he left, I struggled on my own. Miles away from my family I never felt so lonely, so tired and so sad.

But I got stronger.

Soon I preferred just me and my baby girl with no miserable other half to put up with who had really not wanted to be there. I cherished every single moment with her. I enjoyed days out and walks. My friends and family rallied round.
I also got time to myself when he had an agreed visit. I think she spent this time on her own. Pity that was on a weekend when you think they might want to lie around in bed together or go out places.

He on the other hand went into a downward spiral.

He looked like h*ll most of the time. He drank far too much as he could not cope with the guilt of it all. He developed insomnia from the guilt of what he had done to his first born daughter. He was villified by his friends, work colleagues and family. He was run ragged as anytime there was a problem in the house he had to make time to come round and fix it and this caused rows with his new lady friend. He also cried everytime he came to visit his baby girl then had to leave. He became insanely jealous when male friend showed an interest in me.

I wish I could give advice to the woman whose husband you are having an affair with. It would be - at first it's hard, then after a bit you will become strong and relish your new life and your new found freedom. Just imagine who you may meet and what may happen - what an exciting thought. The other woman - she's got her man. And what a fine speciman he is - a liar and a cheat, a mummy's boy, who lives in a shed. Who's out there for you?

His new relationship lasted no more than two months after it all came out.

Personally I could never do that to another woman. End of.

I hope it works out for you with your 'dream' man.
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Old 06-24-2010, 04:31 PM
  # 79 (permalink)  
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I really have problem with this thread. I believe many people are being very judgemental and harsh on Anon. It almost feel like she is the only "other" woman we found and we decided to tore her to pieces. Ok she did get quite a bit defensive and it provoked even more hostility. But honestly, I don't see anything so strange about her situation. She is in love with married man. It happens all the time. She souldn't be, we all know that and she knows it on some level too. That married man she happens to be in love with is an A. That's something we can offer support for, and if some of us don't feel like doing so, I don't see the need to get offensive and say things like: you should't be here (Jenny I think that was really inapropriate). The last I checked this place was for Friends and families of A's it doesn't say No mistresses included, so I believe she has a right to be here as any other person.
I personaly never had an affair with a married man. If my AH had an affair the only person to be blamed for it would be him and not that other woman. In my mind it wouldn't be a moral thing to do from her, but since I wouldn't really know that woman, her story, her troubles, her issues, her hopes who am I to judge her. Of course I wouldn't be approving of what she did, but to me she'd only be a symptom of something else that's wrong. That's how I see it.
And Anon, I think it is good you found this place. It's a great place that can help you start working on yourself and address your own issues that led you to your current situation. Maybe you don't see it right now like you need to do some work on yourself, but I hope you'll give it a try.
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Old 06-24-2010, 04:39 PM
  # 80 (permalink)  
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I'm glad your affair is so unique, because I think the current statistics say that 95% of affairs don't result in a lifelong relationship. Maybe you should tell his wife about the affair so that she'll kick him out and he can come live with you. I kicked out my husband when he had an affair, and it took him 2 weeks of living with the other woman to realize that he had made a big mistake. She had sent me an email about how super-special their beautiful love was and all that stuff we call "terminal uniqueness." Turns out it was just a regular old affair, the kind where the cheating spouse is living in some kind of fantasy land.

Any kind of "love" that makes you compromise the most important principles that you stand for, those that protect yourself and your family, is not real love at all.

Good luck to you.
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