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Affair with an alcoholic

Old 06-24-2010, 12:36 PM
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What is..."the one"? Does only ONE person exist? If he died today, would you be alone forever, without... the one?
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:36 PM
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I will start out by saying your thread is a major trigger for me, being on the wife and child side of an equation like yours, but I really want to point out a few things that perhaps you cannot see because of your proximity to the situation.

Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
Long story but cutting it short (or trying) 5 years ago I had an affair with a good as married man (not officially married but long term partner & 2 kids.) I ended up spilling it all to his missus. 5 years later it happens again only I haven't told her because I love him and don't want to hurt anyone,
Not only are you hurting her, you're hurting their children. IMO, you're also hurting yourself for settling for some one that has chosen to not break it off cleanly with his prior relationship.

Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
Don't judge me cos you can't help who you fall for!! And he's explained that I'm everything he wants but he met her first etc. and he feels awful about pursuing our affair behind her back but can't help his feelings for me, and it's not about the sex because he see's me without it!
Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
It's not a typical "other woman/married man" affair!
Regardless of the reasons you tell yourself or that he tells himself or you, it is a typical affair. He is married - he is cheating. Pretty basic. The reasons are just smoke, just justifications for behaving in a manner that is selfish and not respectful to any of the people involved.

Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
To be fair I didn't know he was until I was told, he was the one who came onto me, and even before I knew his situation I was attracted, so actually it wasn't my fault. It takes two to tango! And he wants to be with me, not her, and has said he needs to sort his feelings out, I was just asking what they're likely to be when he reaches sobriety that's all!!
It does take two to tango. You know the truth now, and are still continuing the affair, so you are at fault as much as he is.

As far as what his feelings are likely to be when he reaches sobriety, well... Generally speaking, alcoholics tend to drink at least in part to escape or numb their feelings. Generally speaking alcoholics tend to engage in behavior that is pretty darn cr-ppy when viewed from an outside perspective in order to justify why they feel like cr-p and therefore continue to drink. No one can say what his feelings are going to be when he gets done. But I would say that if he is not willing to break if off completely with his wife, he is not truly with you.

BTW, reaching sobriety is more than just detoxing or not drinking. It is not something that he can do in a few days, a few weeks, a few months. It tends to be a long road, a lot of hard work and a lot of honesty. If you're willing to wait to make a decision about your relationship until he's reached sobriety, you're going to be waiting for quite a while.

As much as I hate to be saying this to some one who is behaving the same way that affects another wife and children as another girl's behavior is affecting me and my young son: You deserve better treatment than what you're getting from him.

Since you're involved with an alcoholic and are affected by his drinking, I'd suggest checking out Al-Anon if you haven't already. Educate yourself about alcoholism and its affects on those around the alcoholic.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
I was thinking the exact same thing.


This guy is a pro.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:37 PM
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Everyone is basing it on the typical affair though, he doesn't slag her off, he constantly tells me how bad he feels for what he's doing and how she doesn't deserve it because she's so nice to him at home.
What is your source on a typical affair? Just because he doesn't talk trash about her doesn't mean he isn't typical. My guy didn't talk trash about his wife either. He just used to tell me about how they've grown apart & he thinks it is because they came from such different backgrounds.
Plus I would deserve it if he cheated
This right here is what you need to analyze. Consider why you think you would deserve to be treated in such a way. You clearly haven't forgiven yourself for past mistakes & don't love yourself enough to seek out true happiness. No one deserves to be treated poorly & you need to love yourself enough to believe you can do better than this.
but he's on home detox now, so the alcohol issue is being resolved.
Not unless he is seeking counseling to address the underlying issues of the drinking. Drinking is the symptom, not the problem.
It is possible to make someone happy so they won't cheat or be unhappy with their partner!
No dear, it isn't. You can't make someone happy if they aren't happy with themselves.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:38 PM
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Obviously for many people it's heard to believe that love can come out of an affair but if you read up on the other POV it can, a lot of people have remarried due to an affair, or had a successful relationship. Most affairs happen because they find "the one" too late, some however are not too late enough to leave their families, as hurtful and un nice as it is, it happens. I would not wish anyone to be in my position but it doesn't make me a bad person, I don't enjoy being the other woman but these things do happen.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:42 PM
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an Chino he isnt religious therefore won't address any of that bull. Sorry :-)
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:42 PM
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It's hard for me to believe a healthy relationship can develop from a character defect.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
but I am 110% sure he is, and that is based on my attraction for him
If attraction were my only qualification, I would have had about a dozen 'only ones' by now.

Just because I'm attracted doesn't necessarily equate that they are good for me.

As a matter of fact, my past experiences were just the opposite.

My attractions over the years created a lot of pain in my life because I acted on those attractions and jumped in feet first.

I wasn't healthy emotionally, so I didn't know what healthy emotionally looked like in someone else.

I wish you well, I sincerely do.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:43 PM
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Is he in the process of leaving? Is that why he is in the shed? I would have thought itwould be more comfortable at your place...
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
an Chino he isnt religious therefore won't address any of that bull. Sorry :-)
Atheists work the steps too.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:45 PM
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Anon, if you are looking for us to condone the affair, I'm afraid that just isn't going to happen. If the guy is unhappy with his current partner, he should leave that relationship before embarking on another. The line about staying together because of the children is a worn out cliche that has long since been debunked. Most times, it is better to come from a broken home than to live in one. The children cannot possibly be happy with the status quo. If you are content to live with the idea of seeing someone when it is convenient for them and taking the crumbs he is willing to throw your way, then fine. Continue on as you are. But don't expect us to say it's right.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:46 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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he lives in a f**king shed in the back garden for christ sake!!
Well, that's a giant red flag, don't ya think? And I was just about to post a link to Minnie's "So You Think You're Special" thread, but I see several others already beat me to it.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:47 PM
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He won't listen to anything to do with God etc etc. therefore no he won't, and he's at his mum's because they don't get on whether he's sober or not, fact of the matter is, he was always out to begin with because they don't get on and are in the same house as each other because of the kids. And he didn't tell me that, people around him did. He spends all his time in his shed (or did) until he moved to his mums while he gets sorted. What he does then is upto him, hence him needing to sort his head out to find out what he wants, which I truly believe is me.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:49 PM
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Yes, Anon, love can surface from an affair.
And if you are willing to settling for being on the side because you feel this is the love of your life, and you are meant to be together, and you're willing to sacrifice your emotional and physical needs to wait for him to figure it out... then that is all your choice.
I would hate for you 30 years from now to be in the same position and wonder why you wasted so much time.

I'm gonna break it down like this... this guy is a classic manipulator. He's got your wrapped around his finger and he knows it.
He tells you how horrible he feels, that he doesn't want to hurt anyone and his anquish over the whole thing so that you will comfort him about it all, and see him in a good light and think that he really is in so much pain that you just have to be here for him because your love is true.....
And that's exactly what he is getting.

The fact is, you're not going to listen to what anyone says about this guy because you see him through rose colored glasses, and are living in a magical fantasy land about it.
And that's okay...
we all stay in situations until we are really done, until we realize that our happiness comes first.

This thread has taken quite the turn though, seems to be more of a thread to defend your relationship with a taken man. Because of that, that seems to be the key issue in your life.
It would be good to really think about why that is.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
What he does then is upto him, hence him needing to sort his head out to find out what he wants, which I truly believe is me.
Then why are you here and what do you want from us?
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
I was just wondering how Sobriety affects the personality, will his feelings for me still remain? ......II was just wondering and asking for opinions on what might happen or how he might change?
In answer to the questions you posed in your OP, who knows?

Perhaps he will stop drinking and remain a cheat, perhaps he will stop drinking and leave his wife for you, perhaps he will do some soul-searching and drop you like a stone for good, perhaps he'll go back to drinking and you'll still be having the same conversations for the next 5 years.

Only time will tell. My time is valuable. Is yours?
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:54 PM
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No, I asked a question which wasn't answered, I didn't ask to be fed a load of c**p. Everyone can think it's a typical affair but it's not. He doesn't want me to wait for him because he knows it's unfair on me. He's genuine and because of people on here who have had bad experiences with it, they think I'm going to go the same way. WRONG. I get what I want and I want him, therefore it'll happen, I don't care how long it takes. I love him and he makes me happy. I'm not asking for anyone to condone my situation, infact I think I made it pretty clear I didn't want that elaborating, I asked a question which was do alcoholics have the same feelings when sober, and I got a load of judgement or useless opinions on what they've experienced, and what they've had fed to them, well in reality, I know the craic, I'm not blind in love and I know exactly how to deal with the situation.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:54 PM
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Men Cheat for Sexual Reasons, Women Cheat for Emotional Reasons


The most frequently cited reasons for infidelity among men include:


more sex (the desire for a more active sex life)

sexual variety (a desire for different kinds of sex)

opportunistic sex ( taking advantage of an opportunity to have sex without the fear of getting caught)

to satisfy sexual curiosity (about a specific female)

a feeling of entitlement (the belief that it’s a man’s prerogative to cheat)

the “thrill of the chase”

the desire to feel important or special

sexual addiction

Cheating Husbands and Cheating Wives Give Different Reasons for Having Affairs (article) by Ruth Houston on AuthorsDen
Cheating man - AskMen.com
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:55 PM
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Hi Anon,

My exA had an affair that she ended right before we got together, which she later insisted she ended "so that (she) could be with (me)". She insisted on being in touch with this person, not telling me when there was contact even though she had agreed to let me know if and when there was contact. This person she had the affair with is a devoted and "upstanding member" of the local religious community, married for over 30 years, and a person of VERY substantial financial means, who swore that they had "only ever cheated once before" cheating with my exgf...with their spouses best friend!! Somehow, that was a good reason to not label themselves a "cheater" but you know, they "couldn't help who they were attracted to."

Not unlike your situation my exgf told her mother, also, who is a devout Catholic. She told her daughter to never let anyone tell her what to do, and that she should maintain contact with this married person no matter what I wanted. And then, close on the heels of that, told my exgf that she was concerned for the relationship between the two of us. Huh, no kidding. I don't think it's a coincidence that my exgf was raised by an alcoholic father, and her mother is still solidly codependent in her behavior, years after her husband passed away. (But my exgf's sister did say to her that she would never put up with what my exgf was doing, by maintaining contact...)

I assure you, despite the fact that my exgf told me about this affair up front, it was one of the MOST damaging aspect of our relationship. I thought I was special, that I would be "the one" to save her from this pattern of self-abusive behavior (being attracted to unavailable people and drinking too much despite "in house detox" that she also tried), and I didn't want to be alone. The kicker is that all of that made me emotionally unavailable too! I was unavailable to myself as I tended to her and the emotional mess she contributed to by her affair, by focusing on her drinking, and by keeping myself in a relationship that left me unavailable for something WAY better.

Was I instantly attracted to her? Yes. Do I believe we had all kinds of things that we could have achieved in the world if she WASN'T drinking, and was willing to get into recovery programs that we could work together? YES. Do I believe we had the makings of the POTENTIAL for genuine, deep love? YES. But we couldn't get there. We couldn't get there because she has emotional attachment to unavailable people (and let me tell you, the betrayal and karmic issues around this affair STILL bother me, I still cry over them sometimes) and because she has emotional attachment to alcohol, and because at the time I was willing to settle for way less than I wanted and then be really, really irritated and p*ssed off about it. I handed her all of my personal power and was exceedingly disappointed when she didn't treat it the way I expected her to, even though she showed me who she was from the very beginning. I'm sorry to say that I would be shocked if this man that you say you love will ever be able to measure up to your hopes for him, and for your "relationship" with him.

I really miss my exgf, but I will find happiness. Thank you for posting this, it helps me to see that I have come a long way. Keep posting, there are wise words here for you, even though they can be really, really hard to hear.

posie
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Jenny1232 View Post
Men Cheat for Sexual Reasons, Women Cheat for Emotional Reasons


The most frequently cited reasons for infidelity among men include:


more sex (the desire for a more active sex life)

sexual variety (a desire for different kinds of sex)

opportunistic sex ( taking advantage of an opportunity to have sex without the fear of getting caught)

to satisfy sexual curiosity (about a specific female)

a feeling of entitlement (the belief that it’s a man’s prerogative to cheat)

the “thrill of the chase”

the desire to feel important or special

sexual addiction

Cheating Husbands and Cheating Wives Give Different Reasons for Having Affairs (article) by Ruth Houston on AuthorsDen
Cheating man - AskMen.com
I THINK I STATED ITS NOT ABOUT THE SEX!! To quote him "I';m old, I never want sex!" He's in his 30's and we rarely have sex, he's NOT with me to get his leg over!
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