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Affair with an alcoholic

Old 06-24-2010, 12:09 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I hope you fall in love with a married man then you may get just a slight idea of the other side!! I didn't ask for it to happen!
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:10 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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This thread reminded me of this:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...special-i.html

L
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:13 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
I hope you fall in love with a married man then you may get just a slight idea of the other side!! I didn't ask for it to happen!
Oh good grief. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you don't have a brain in your head. He's taken. He's a cheater. If he'll cheat on her, he'll cheat on you. Your situation is NOT unique.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:15 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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No thats b*ll**ks he hasn't once slagged her off, or said bad things about her, he's the total opposite, he doesn't want to hurt her, and he doesn't tell sob stories or nothing, it's absolutely NOTHING like that!!
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:17 PM
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They're obviously only together for the kids, he's told his mother about me and told her that they're only together for the kids sake, his missus knows that aswell, they don't communicate in the romance part, he lives in a f**king shed in the back garden for christ sake!! (Although, he's living at his mums at the moment) so think what you want, this is NOT a typical affair.

Quite frankly you don't know ANYTHING about their home life. Do you live with them? Are you a part of their daily activities from dawn till dusk?

NO ONE who walks this earth has a right to judge anyone, we all make choices, mistakes and some learn from them, some don't.
Quite frankly you are coming here with A LOT of anger, voicing things in a VERY defensive way, and getting angry because YOU FEEL that people are judging you. You are really JUDGING YOURSELF.

Everyone who is involved in an affair thinks theirs is "different". It's NOT. He's got his cake and eating it too. The man's a liar, and you love him so you want to believe him. Which is human nature.
I've been there too, many have been there. But one day you wake up and realize that you are worth more than this. When someone wants to be with you, they ARE with you.

Instead of worrying about his sobriety..... the best thing to do is to worry about yourself, and really ask yourself why it is that you are settling for this kind of relationship. What about YOUR behavior....NOT his.

If you want support here, I would suggest not being so angry towards members here. There is no need for all of the cursing. You're so worried about people judging you because YOU KNOW that what you are doing isn't healthy or right.
REALITY CHECK NEEDED.

I'm fairly certain that you have a lot of great things to offer someone, and this guy does not deserve it.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:20 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
I hope you fall in love with a married man then you may get just a slight idea of the other side!! I didn't ask for it to happen!
I was obsessed with a married man for years. I for sure thought he'd want me, and not her. Guess what, they've been happily married now for about six years. I never got with him - but I hoped and prayed that one day I would. I know what the temptation is like. You allowed yourself to fall for it.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:22 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Everyone is basing it on the typical affair though, he doesn't slag her off, he constantly tells me how bad he feels for what he's doing and how she doesn't deserve it because she's so nice to him at home. He IS a decent man, not being biased, but he is, and everyone knows it. I lived with him for 3 weeks, I know exactly what goes on because his mate moved in when he had a row with his misus so I do have an insite to it actually, and he does practically live in the shed, but at the end of the day, he is unhappy when he's not with me, and it wasn't him who said that.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:23 PM
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Kitty, great post!

"No thats b*ll**ks he hasn't once slagged her off, or said bad things about her, he's the total opposite, he doesn't want to hurt her, and he doesn't tell sob stories or nothing, it's absolutely NOTHING like that!"

Anon, He is already hurting his poor 'wife'. Like Kitty said, you most likely get what he feeds you. I'm sure he goes home to her, HIS FAMILY, and feeds her the same ol' BS. You can make excuses for as long as you'd like... but nothing is going to change.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:25 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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he's somewhat trapped in a situation he doesn't want to be in,
Have you stopped to consider this is really why he is contacting you? Like I said before you are his escape from his misery. What he fails to realize is that much of his misery & unhappiness is internal.

Even if he leaves his wife & you two get together, he won't be happy. Short-term he may be, but long-term he will face the same misery he faces now. You may love this man, but you can't fix this man anymore than any of us can fix our alcoholic spouses. As has been mentioned many times, alcoholism is a symptom of a deeper problem & that deeper problem is not his wife or kids. It is actually very likely that his alcoholism is the reason his relationship with his wife is failing. It is very possible his wife is finally pushing him away & he is seeking someone else to take her place. Don't believe his version of things, because alcoholics tend to warp the truth to fit their needs. My AH has a nice story on how it was my fault he completely trashed our house.

If you start a real relationship with this man while he is still drinking & without him (and you) getting some serious counseling, then you will find yourself on a long road with a lot of pain ahead. Read many stories on here on what people go through with alcoholic spouses & ask yourself if you really want to put yourself in that position. Don't think you are different or that your love is special or that you can somehow fix this man, because none of that is true.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:26 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I'm a firm believer in the saying If they'll do it with you they'll do it to you. If I descovered someone I was with was cheating that would send a very clear signal to me about their character and would also be a show stopper. You wouldn't even have to add the alcoholic part for me.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:26 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Well I'd be a mug then cos I love him! Plus I would deserve it if he cheated but he'd still be coming back to me so karmas a bitch but whatever!
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:27 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Holy cow that was an intensive read!

I had an affair with a married man before I met my first husband.

The ending was so ugly...

I knew better deep down inside, but I still chose to have the affair.

In the end I was left alone, with a whole lot of guilt and self-loathing to boot.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:28 PM
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Anon,

Consider this: If he'll do this to his wife, the woman who has his children, why would he change his pattern? And something else to consider is, he's "cheating" with you. So, he thinks he has an idea into your character. This isn't to bash you, I'm just sharing what I've learned over the years.

What are you getting out of this relationship? Is it worth it? Don't you deserve better? I think you do.

Love,

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Old 06-24-2010, 12:28 PM
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Would you say that he is acting like a decent man?
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:31 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MsAngel View Post
Have you stopped to consider this is really why he is contacting you? Like I said before you are his escape from his misery. What he fails to realize is that much of his misery & unhappiness is internal.

Even if he leaves his wife & you two get together, he won't be happy. Short-term he may be, but long-term he will face the same misery he faces now. You may love this man, but you can't fix this man anymore than any of us can fix our alcoholic spouses. As has been mentioned many times, alcoholism is a symptom of a deeper problem & that deeper problem is not his wife or kids. It is actually very likely that his alcoholism is the reason his relationship with his wife is failing. It is very possible his wife is finally pushing him away & he is seeking someone else to take her place. Don't believe his version of things, because alcoholics tend to warp the truth to fit their needs. My AH has a nice story on how it was my fault he completely trashed our house.

If you start a real relationship with this man while he is still drinking & without him (and you) getting some serious counseling, then you will find yourself on a long road with a lot of pain ahead. Read many stories on here on what people go through with alcoholic spouses & ask yourself if you really want to put yourself in that position. Don't think you are different or that your love is special or that you can somehow fix this man, because none of that is true.
No, he WAS attracted to me when he first saw me, which is why he approached me to begin with. And if he did leave her, we would be happy, because I would do ANYTHING to make sure he was 110% happy. I know why he drinks and no it's nothing to do with her, it's deeper than that, but he's on home detox now, so the alcohol issue is being resolved. It is possible to make someone happy so they won't cheat or be unhappy with their partner! (Google it if you have to, but most is common knowledge) You just have to be able to satisfy a man, as cheesy as it sounds, with variety, and keep the excitment going, then he has no reason to want to stray. She is clearly not giving him happiness, but I know for a fact I can, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this. Anyway, I can see my question isn't really going to be answered so it's pointless in me being here.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
Well I'd be a mug then cos I love him! Plus I would deserve it if he cheated but he'd still be coming back to me so karmas a bitch but whatever!
I'm sad to read that you are willing to sell yourself short.

I was that way for many years.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:33 PM
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Some guys stray for the simple thrill of it. The excitement of not getting caught. There is nothing in your power, that can sway him from doing what he's going to do.

Why do you think you're so almighty? Because he was attracted to YOU, and approached YOU?

because like they said, he warps his reality to make him sound good?
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Anon1972 View Post
he constantly tells me how bad he feels for what he's doing and how she doesn't deserve it because she's so nice to him at home. He IS a decent man.
When words and actions don't match up, then actions are the truth, and words are lies.

If he truly felt so bad about what he is doing, he would STOP doing it.

If he truly was a decent man, he would behave DECENTLY.

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Old 06-24-2010, 12:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
I'm sad to read that you are willing to sell yourself short.

I was that way for many years.
Perhaps, but it's true, I would deserve it because of what I'm doing now, so I'd be willing to forgive him! If I didn't think he was the one then I wouldn't even go near a married man, but I am 110% sure he is, and that is based on my attraction for him, not the things he's said to me.
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Old 06-24-2010, 12:35 PM
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If he works recovery, he'll end up addressing these things:

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Those items are from the 12 steps.

This affair is a byproduct of a character defect. If he gets sober and works the steps, your relationship won't stand a chance.
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