coffeedrinker

Ginger,

I guess my take is that I think you were doomed from the start - or at least way back.

Everything in your past, your development, led you to this point. That includes the good things that are coming your way, and also the painful things you have had to confront.

The key is breaking the cycle. As LaTeeDa, says, you need to fix what's broken. Awareness is not enough, although it certainly is the starting point.

As my first therapist said,
"Christine, if you hadn't chosen your husband (alcoholic), you would have just found another one."

This was a turning point in my recovery. After the anger wore off, that is

Learn2Live

I think you're still way too focused on (obsessed with) him. Have you gone to Al-Anon?

getr345

Great thread so far, keep it going...

LaTeeDa

At the beginning? Or in the middle? Or on whatever topic jumps out at you?

How about this:

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

L

gingercharlie

Yes, I have.

And it's only been 2.5 weeks... should I be over him and this entire experience already? Really? Should I just stop posting?

I'm trying to understand, that's all.

LaTeeDa

I don't believe the point was to 'get over it, already.' It's a matter of shifting the focus from him to you.

Instead of wondering what made him the way he is, start trying to figure out what about you led you to an alcoholic. Those are the types of questions that result in progress and personal growth.

L

Freedom1990

No, you shouldn't be over him and this entire experience already.

I think people are just trying to guide you back to focusing on yourself and starting to heal.

When I left my EXAH, there were a lot of things I didn't understand.

Losing a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, is painful. You will get no argument from me on that.

What can you do today, this moment, to help you move forward, even if it's an inch at a time?

redcrow

What about recovering alcoholics? Just because they're sober doesn't mean they lose their fear of relationships and intimacy, does it? Trying to figure out why I keep attracting the emotionally dead. Fer reals.

spinwc

I get where you are coming from Ginger....one question leads to 20 more.

The problem I ran into was it became a mission for me to prove that he is the problem, not me.Instead of asking "why" I just keep trying to tell myself "he is an A, he is bi-polar, he is unstable and I cant change it".

Trying to see the situation clearly so you dont make the same mistake is wise. Dont quit posting...I think its great to vent to people who understand where you are coming from.

Lilly Burn

You are not alone. My STBEXAH left me (after many other leavings!) I am a strong independent woman (was and am again) but in my marriage, I wonder if I would ever have left, things were terrible...my family and friends wondered what had happened to me, i walked on egg shells..i know what happened to me, i was trying to keep a marriage with an alcoholic who i still loved alive and i was absolutely blind to the major major red flags throughout our relationship and the manipulation and the downright lies, I believe in people and I still do, but we can get caught out. Dont be scared, I know i will not make that mistake again, I didnt have any previous understanding of alcoholism...i am so much more aware of what i do want now, should such a person ever come along.that goes for friendships with women too, Ive recently had problems with a friend with alcohol issues, I cant allow that in my life either, drama, Noooo! My instincts are the same as ever, I just listen more carefully now.

I know alot more about myself, my own faults, unreasonable expectations but also how things should be for me, not for anyone else..that is the really important bit - its a learning curve and we have to take what we can from that and see it just that way...an experience that adds not detracts.. Lillyx

Bolina

charlie - how do you think that focussing on him will help you?

If you imagine your life as a 7 foot line with birth at one end and (hopefully) death at, say, 84 at the other end*. Your involvement with the alcoholic is, what, 2 inches? What about the other 82?


*does my math work?!

coffeedrinker

My two-bit psychology on this question goes like this:

We have had a primary relationship early in our life - in our formative years. We have not had our emotional, and developmental NEED met, if that person was not meeting them. We cannot move on to the next developmental stage unless it is, which is why it is SO CRUCIAL for parents to be there for their children. When it is the opposite sex parent, the one we learn LOVE from, we continuously seek out the fulfillment of that need in either that, or subsequent relationships. We tend to end up with partners that have a similar make-up (in some way or other) to that primarly person.

In my case, my father met the financial needs of the household, but not the emotional ones. He did not readily show affection, or send me the message that I was loved unconditionally. He was emotionally cool, and non-expressive, non-demonstrative. I had an alcoholic mother. I have chosen addicts who are also distant emotionally, and who do not meet my needs in the relationship, who do not deal with conflict effectively, and who have regularly abandoned me when I am needy or there is conflict or something heady going on.

What I believe, is that we subconciously recreate the broken relationship, in order to mend it, to get that original need met, so we can move on. Or maybe not move on, but just because it is something lacking and we crave it.

So we choose partners who are similar in that attempt to recreate.
I don't know about the dynamic with a homosexual candidate - it would be interesting to examine.

redcrow

I totally agree with you. I am a nurturer, and attract men whose moms were always pulling them out of the fire. And I keep choosing men like my dad. So, I've decided just to work on my relationship with my dad and get that solid before dating again. Seems legit. Excellent insight, though. We all need healing, eh?

fourmaggie

that is so TRUE!! light bulb moment!!