My first boundary
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
My first boundary
Hi All,
Okay, so after a weekend of husband drinking, I have not been too chatty with him. I think he was actually mad at me on Monday because on Sunday I told him that brushing his teeth didn't make him not smell like alcohol. Beyond that comment I haven't said anything about the weekend.
Husband thinks that as long as it is the weekend, his being drunk is fine (this is updated from his drinking every day, which he agreed to limit to weekends about 1 1/2 weeks ago). I haven't figured out my next move. I feel like I should clarify that I do not like being around him when he's drinking regardless of what day of the week it is, but I don't really want to have another "the talk."
Instead, I've been thinking about boundaries, and I think I have decided that my boundary is going to be that I will not be around him when he's drinking. As in, if you are drinking, I am going to absent myself (not leaving him, just leaving the situation--for now). And, if you are going to a function/party/dinner that involves drinking, I am not going to go with you. This takes away my enabling him to drink by taking away his automatic sober ride home. (I actually think he's unlikely to drink and drive at this point.) I think my boundary is good because the consequence of the boundary affects my behavior by my affirmatively leaving the situation if he's drinking. The downside is that since he mainly drinks at home, the consequence of the boundary is that I have to leave my own home, which probably has more impact on me than him. But the point of boundaries isn't to manipulate someone into the behavior that you want, but to protect yourself and how you live. I think not being around him drinking makes the point that not only do I not like his drinking, but that I will not be around it.
Now what I'm wondering is whether I should tell him about my boundary in advance, or just say it when the situation comes up. I think declaring my boundary might start a fight. I don't want to fight, but I also want to do something affirmative and have a plan rather just sit around worrying about when he's going to drink and how much he's going to drink. I am finding myself on hyper alert to whether he's drinking, and I don't think it will take long to drive me crazy.
I have only been really alerted to my husband's problem with alcohol in the last few months (but in retrospect, I can see that it's been a problem for a while), but I want to do something different now, not wait to see how it goes. I don't want to have to get really sick before I decide to get better. I want to get better now, so I've got my boundary, and I'm just praying for the strength and wisdom to implement it.
Okay, so after a weekend of husband drinking, I have not been too chatty with him. I think he was actually mad at me on Monday because on Sunday I told him that brushing his teeth didn't make him not smell like alcohol. Beyond that comment I haven't said anything about the weekend.
Husband thinks that as long as it is the weekend, his being drunk is fine (this is updated from his drinking every day, which he agreed to limit to weekends about 1 1/2 weeks ago). I haven't figured out my next move. I feel like I should clarify that I do not like being around him when he's drinking regardless of what day of the week it is, but I don't really want to have another "the talk."
Instead, I've been thinking about boundaries, and I think I have decided that my boundary is going to be that I will not be around him when he's drinking. As in, if you are drinking, I am going to absent myself (not leaving him, just leaving the situation--for now). And, if you are going to a function/party/dinner that involves drinking, I am not going to go with you. This takes away my enabling him to drink by taking away his automatic sober ride home. (I actually think he's unlikely to drink and drive at this point.) I think my boundary is good because the consequence of the boundary affects my behavior by my affirmatively leaving the situation if he's drinking. The downside is that since he mainly drinks at home, the consequence of the boundary is that I have to leave my own home, which probably has more impact on me than him. But the point of boundaries isn't to manipulate someone into the behavior that you want, but to protect yourself and how you live. I think not being around him drinking makes the point that not only do I not like his drinking, but that I will not be around it.
Now what I'm wondering is whether I should tell him about my boundary in advance, or just say it when the situation comes up. I think declaring my boundary might start a fight. I don't want to fight, but I also want to do something affirmative and have a plan rather just sit around worrying about when he's going to drink and how much he's going to drink. I am finding myself on hyper alert to whether he's drinking, and I don't think it will take long to drive me crazy.
I have only been really alerted to my husband's problem with alcohol in the last few months (but in retrospect, I can see that it's been a problem for a while), but I want to do something different now, not wait to see how it goes. I don't want to have to get really sick before I decide to get better. I want to get better now, so I've got my boundary, and I'm just praying for the strength and wisdom to implement it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi Sasha,
Welcome to SR! There's quite a community here, as you probably already know.
I can really relate to your post. I didn't want to have "the talk", either, but I did. My now-exgf didn't like it. She didn't like any boundary that I put in place, didn't matter what it was. I agree, your boundaries are about you, and it's up to you to define them and then keep them in place, no matter who is having a fit about them. It's interesting to see who it is in our lives who has a problem with this--respectful friends and relatives will respect your boundaries just because they're important to you, and even if you have to remind/reinforce them, again, respectful people will respect your boundaries.
My exgf didn't. That's why she's my exgf.
And I have yet to meet an alcoholic, or someone who has "a problem" or "issue" or "schedule" for their alcohol consumption, who wouldn't choose the bottle over driving sober. So I'd be mighty surprised if your hubby wouldn't climb behind the wheel after drinking...you not being there to drive his drunken butt home ain't gonna make a bit of difference in his decision-making process. At least, that's my opinion.
Keep posting, and great that you're working to define your boundaries!
posie
Welcome to SR! There's quite a community here, as you probably already know.
I can really relate to your post. I didn't want to have "the talk", either, but I did. My now-exgf didn't like it. She didn't like any boundary that I put in place, didn't matter what it was. I agree, your boundaries are about you, and it's up to you to define them and then keep them in place, no matter who is having a fit about them. It's interesting to see who it is in our lives who has a problem with this--respectful friends and relatives will respect your boundaries just because they're important to you, and even if you have to remind/reinforce them, again, respectful people will respect your boundaries.
My exgf didn't. That's why she's my exgf.
And I have yet to meet an alcoholic, or someone who has "a problem" or "issue" or "schedule" for their alcohol consumption, who wouldn't choose the bottle over driving sober. So I'd be mighty surprised if your hubby wouldn't climb behind the wheel after drinking...you not being there to drive his drunken butt home ain't gonna make a bit of difference in his decision-making process. At least, that's my opinion.
Keep posting, and great that you're working to define your boundaries!
posie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by SashaMB 
Now what I'm wondering is whether I should tell him about my boundary in advance, or just say it when the situation comes up. I think declaring my boundary might start a fight.
Before I took my AD in temporarily, the boundaries were clearly spelled out to her.
I don't think anyone likes conflict. I certainly don't.
However, I like my boundaries clearly stated in advance.
If someone wants to fight over a boundary, well, it takes two to fight, no?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Hey there Sasha,
After reading your post, I so wanted to share my experiences with you. We have this in common.
Your situation sounds just like mine did when I came here. My XABF liked to really put the beers away on the weekends because he thought not drinking as much during the week meant he had his drinking under control.
When I would argue with my X about his binges I say I didn't want him drinking in the house, so he moved to the front porch and wouldn't come back in the house until he was completely wasted.
When that still caused argument, he stopped drinking at home alltogether and started drinking in his truck parked on the other side of the property where we were living. He would then drive himself back across the farm to the house thus dispelling my belief that he would never drive drunk. It's all semantics, I know but it's how the addict mind works.
When I started my boundaries, I thought not having him drinking in my presence was going to do it. Not exactly. He just drank elsewhere and returned to rant and rage at me. He would argue that he was "drinking" around me so what was the problem. When he would avoid alcohol during the week he would become an angry dry drunk, and I l would leave the room, he would argue that he wasn't drinking around me so what was my problem.
The good folks here made me focus my boundaries around my feelings and how they stemmed from his behavior. It wasn't the drinking that I didn't want to be around. It was the guy he turned into that I loathed, feared, and found repugnant whether this guy was brought on by alcohol, lack of alcohol, or the day of the week made no difference.
So I focused my boundary on leaving the conversation, leaving the room, leaving the house, and if needed leaving overnight if his behavior was objectionable. And it changed my life in so many positive ways. It was the first step in an amazing journey to gain my life back from so many years on focusing on his addiction.
I struggled, too, with whether to announce my boundary to him. I played that conversation all the way through and realized he would just try some way to work around my boundary. What were my motives anyway? If he knew would that make him stop, I had to doubt that since nothing I ever said before mattered.
I realized I should just let my actions and not my words speak for me. That's what counts when it comes to addicts, right? Watch what they do and not what they say. It was amazing how I didn't have to say a word or utter a grunt or roll my eyes. Nothing. I just had to move my feet and my point was made.
An addict used to your undivided attention will struggle with these changes no matter how subtle. Save your energy for enforcing your boundaries and focus on your recovery. He's a grown adult, he'll figure it all out on his own.
You're doing great recovery work!!!
Alice
After reading your post, I so wanted to share my experiences with you. We have this in common.
Your situation sounds just like mine did when I came here. My XABF liked to really put the beers away on the weekends because he thought not drinking as much during the week meant he had his drinking under control.
When I would argue with my X about his binges I say I didn't want him drinking in the house, so he moved to the front porch and wouldn't come back in the house until he was completely wasted.
When that still caused argument, he stopped drinking at home alltogether and started drinking in his truck parked on the other side of the property where we were living. He would then drive himself back across the farm to the house thus dispelling my belief that he would never drive drunk. It's all semantics, I know but it's how the addict mind works.
When I started my boundaries, I thought not having him drinking in my presence was going to do it. Not exactly. He just drank elsewhere and returned to rant and rage at me. He would argue that he was "drinking" around me so what was the problem. When he would avoid alcohol during the week he would become an angry dry drunk, and I l would leave the room, he would argue that he wasn't drinking around me so what was my problem.
The good folks here made me focus my boundaries around my feelings and how they stemmed from his behavior. It wasn't the drinking that I didn't want to be around. It was the guy he turned into that I loathed, feared, and found repugnant whether this guy was brought on by alcohol, lack of alcohol, or the day of the week made no difference.
So I focused my boundary on leaving the conversation, leaving the room, leaving the house, and if needed leaving overnight if his behavior was objectionable. And it changed my life in so many positive ways. It was the first step in an amazing journey to gain my life back from so many years on focusing on his addiction.
I struggled, too, with whether to announce my boundary to him. I played that conversation all the way through and realized he would just try some way to work around my boundary. What were my motives anyway? If he knew would that make him stop, I had to doubt that since nothing I ever said before mattered.
I realized I should just let my actions and not my words speak for me. That's what counts when it comes to addicts, right? Watch what they do and not what they say. It was amazing how I didn't have to say a word or utter a grunt or roll my eyes. Nothing. I just had to move my feet and my point was made.
An addict used to your undivided attention will struggle with these changes no matter how subtle. Save your energy for enforcing your boundaries and focus on your recovery. He's a grown adult, he'll figure it all out on his own.
You're doing great recovery work!!!
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Originally Posted by anvilhead
this taking care of ourselves stuff ain't for wussies!!! we just joined the Big Girl Panties club, so hitch em sister and get it on!!! 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Alice,
Thank you for sharing your experience, I appreciate it. I actually feel kind of relieved to have a plan based on action (i.e. I will leave to not be around the drinking/behavior), rather than just sitting in another room growing more stressed out. Now, I think actually enforcing the plan will be a bit harder, but doing nothing is just making me feel worse and worse.
I think I need to focus on being matter-of-fact, direct and succinct (as opposed to sarcastic, angry or hysterical) when I do actually enforce my decision. Thank you for reminding me that actions speak louder than words. This is good to keep in mind since the whole problem with alcoholism is that the actions of drinking/bad behavior speak much louder than the claims that the alcoholic either doesn't have a problem, or that the alcoholic will change/sober up/moderate etc.
Thank you for sharing your experience, I appreciate it. I actually feel kind of relieved to have a plan based on action (i.e. I will leave to not be around the drinking/behavior), rather than just sitting in another room growing more stressed out. Now, I think actually enforcing the plan will be a bit harder, but doing nothing is just making me feel worse and worse.
I think I need to focus on being matter-of-fact, direct and succinct (as opposed to sarcastic, angry or hysterical) when I do actually enforce my decision. Thank you for reminding me that actions speak louder than words. This is good to keep in mind since the whole problem with alcoholism is that the actions of drinking/bad behavior speak much louder than the claims that the alcoholic either doesn't have a problem, or that the alcoholic will change/sober up/moderate etc.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I do think this is a very positive step. I think other's have excellent responses.
I'm going to be very honest and say it did not work for me. I quit engaging with him at any level when he was drinking to much. I quit socializing with him because of the drinking. I didn't actually leave all that often (but did on occasion) because I had four kids in tow. If I'm honest though, boundaries were crashing down all over the place. I was externally ignoring and/or disengaging with behaviors I didn't like and internally I was being consumed by resentment, rage, hopelessness, and bitterness.
I have given up in trying to figure out what was/is going on in my xah's head but from the outside he did not notice or care about my disengagement. If anything he seemed to see it as a sign that things were improving because I was no longer nagging him about anything.
I did not have this board, or al-anon when I was going through that. I didn't even have the word boundary in my head. You have a lot more tools and awareness at your disposal. I just wanted to share my experience and to encourage you to continue to assess your boundaries and make sure to stay focused on how you are feeling about the situation.
I'm going to be very honest and say it did not work for me. I quit engaging with him at any level when he was drinking to much. I quit socializing with him because of the drinking. I didn't actually leave all that often (but did on occasion) because I had four kids in tow. If I'm honest though, boundaries were crashing down all over the place. I was externally ignoring and/or disengaging with behaviors I didn't like and internally I was being consumed by resentment, rage, hopelessness, and bitterness.
I have given up in trying to figure out what was/is going on in my xah's head but from the outside he did not notice or care about my disengagement. If anything he seemed to see it as a sign that things were improving because I was no longer nagging him about anything.
I did not have this board, or al-anon when I was going through that. I didn't even have the word boundary in my head. You have a lot more tools and awareness at your disposal. I just wanted to share my experience and to encourage you to continue to assess your boundaries and make sure to stay focused on how you are feeling about the situation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I've learned to make a list of things to do or places to go when I'm stressed or upset by something. I find it so hard to focus when I get stirred up so having a list ahead of time gives me serenity and a path to follow.
At the time I was starting my boundaries my list included things like going to the bookstore to find a particular title I had been interested in buying.
I remember the day I picked this one on the list. Boy, was I on a mission. I don't remember what XABF was doing that caused me to leave the house that day, but I remember getting in the car and looking at my list and picking the bookstore. I remember shaking all the way to the store I was so upset, but once I got there and started looking for the particular book title I had written down, I started to feel at ease. I sat in the book store drinking a smoothie reading the first couple chapters. By the time I finished my drink, bought my paperback and headed to the car, I had forgotten all about X's drama and even now still can't recall it.
I had other things on the list that I remember that were fun, too. I had signed up for spray-tan sessions at a local salon. Those were hysterical. I hate swimsuit shopping and that was on the list. I figured with things being inhospitable at home, it was the only way to get me to go. I never did actually buy a suit, though LOL.
Get creative. It doesn't have to be tortue to leave the house if you must.
Once my XABF caught on that I would walk away from him, I only had to leave the room to make my point. I did miss the window shopping, movies, and all-night drive-in diners for french fries, though.
Best to you!
Alice
At the time I was starting my boundaries my list included things like going to the bookstore to find a particular title I had been interested in buying.
I remember the day I picked this one on the list. Boy, was I on a mission. I don't remember what XABF was doing that caused me to leave the house that day, but I remember getting in the car and looking at my list and picking the bookstore. I remember shaking all the way to the store I was so upset, but once I got there and started looking for the particular book title I had written down, I started to feel at ease. I sat in the book store drinking a smoothie reading the first couple chapters. By the time I finished my drink, bought my paperback and headed to the car, I had forgotten all about X's drama and even now still can't recall it.
I had other things on the list that I remember that were fun, too. I had signed up for spray-tan sessions at a local salon. Those were hysterical. I hate swimsuit shopping and that was on the list. I figured with things being inhospitable at home, it was the only way to get me to go. I never did actually buy a suit, though LOL.
Get creative. It doesn't have to be tortue to leave the house if you must.
Once my XABF caught on that I would walk away from him, I only had to leave the room to make my point. I did miss the window shopping, movies, and all-night drive-in diners for french fries, though.
Best to you!
Alice
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